u/SkwerlPawz

Yesterday I officially became Jewish after several years of studying, attending shul, and exploring Judaism & Jewish culture! I would like to share a bit about my experience if anyone’s interested :)

I finished the Intro to Judaism classes back in February, but it took a while for me to talk to my rabbi about proceeding with my conversion because my rabbi was pretty busy with other stuff, and also I have trouble reaching out to people because of my anxiety, and I was worried I’d come across as pushy or rude (I’m autistic so I do have to be extremely careful about how I come across). When we eventually met up to talk about it, one of the things we discussed was the possibility of writing a spiritual autobiography for the beit din to read. I am much better at writing than I am at speaking, so I was very glad to have this option, and as soon as I got home I got to work. It was actually really nice to reflect about everything that got me to this point—I already do a lot of reflection in my mind, but something about writing it out like a story just hit different. I sent it to my rabbi right before Passover started, but it took a while for us to discuss it and schedule the beit din meeting & mikveh because of the timing. Eventually though we decided on July 1st, and I was counting down the days until it finally came.

On the morning of the big day, I very carefully followed the instructions I had been sent. I got there early, and the lady who owned the mikveh gave me a tour. Something about that place smelled wonderful, particularly in the room the mikveh was in, and I have no idea what it was. Once all of the rabbis got there we went into a different room and started talking. I had been told by several people that meeting with the beit din would be more-so a conversation than a test or anything, but I was still nervous because I’m not very good at conversing. I’m not gonna lie, I feel like my answers weren’t as good as they could’ve been if I had given myself more time to think, but it was actually quite a nice discussion, and they brought up some topics that I was especially passionate about, which was awesome. One of the rabbis said that I had already covered a lot of what they usually ask people in my spiritual autobiography, and he said it was beautifully written, which I was happy about. Also I got to ask questions to the rabbis, and it was nice hearing all of their different answers.

Then my rabbi asked me to stand outside the door while they talked. I didn’t intentionally listen in on their conversation, but I did catch bits and pieces of it. I heard one of them say “…which I don’t love, but…” which made me worried that he was talking about something I did/said and that I had did something wrong. Ngl I’m still worried about that, but even if it is the case, it couldn’t have been anything too bad since they called me back in and had me answer some yes or no questions, and after that we recited the shema and then proceeded to the mikveh portion. At this point I realized I should be happy/excited, I’d been approved by the rabbis, and I was happy I think, but I was also still kinda taking it all in. It wasn’t until I entered the changing room to wash off again & change into the robe that I finally really processed everything and got super excited. It was probably for the best that I didn’t get super happy until I was alone in there, because I was flapping my hands like a lunatic and I probably looked really stupid.

When I was ready, the mikveh lady took me into the room with the mikveh, prepared me for how it would work, and sang a beautiful song about Abraham and Sarah leaving their pasts behind in the book of Genesis. The water was so nice and warm, and when I was done the rabbis sang “Siman Tov u’Mazal Tov“ to me, and the lady let me stay in the mikveh for as long as I wanted, which ended up being a while because the water felt really nice. I once again got really happy and excited as it sunk in that I was officially Jewish now! Eventually I went back to the waiting room area where I got my certificate of conversion, which I plan to frame.

When I told my Jewish friends that I’m officially Jewish now, they were super happy for me!! My non-Jewish friends & family were a lot more nonchalant about it though which made me feel kinda embarrassed for having such a huge reaction compared to them😅 I started to question if I was reacting too strongly until I talked to my friend whose mother had converted and she told me about how hard her mom studied & stressed to complete her conversion, and I realized that I also have so much to be happy and proud of myself for. Sure, I’ve been living Jewishly for a while, but this is still a huge deal and opens up lots of new opportunities for me! So I allowed myself to be as excited as I wanted to be.

Part of me is worried that I don’t deserve this and that I’ll be an embarrassment to the Jewish community, but I’m trying not to let that ruin my joy. Tomorrow evening will begin my first Shabbat being Jewish, which I’m super excited for, and in the meantime I’m gonna hang my mezuzah and make a tallis for myself!

Also I’m just now realizing that I’m pretty sure I never actually verified this—since I’m the only Jew in my household, do I only need to put a mezuzah outside of my bedroom? Or should I also put one on the main doorway? Or is this optional?

I’ve tried Concerta, Strattera, and as of today, Methylphenidate. It’s been 5 hours since I took it and I have noticed ZERO difference. I still couldn’t focus in school, and I haven’t gotten done anything I planned to. I can’t fucking live like this. I want to be a biologist, but I can barely even handle college. I know I have so much potential, but I’m wasting it all because I just fucking doom scroll all day. I tried deleting all of my social medias multiple times and I STILL wasn’t able to get anything done, and if anything it was worse because I was snacking more and I gained weight, which makes me feel worse than doomscrolling does (even though I know logically that my weight doesn’t determine my worth, and that my desire to be thin reflects societal standards more than my actual values, I still really hate gaining weight no matter how much I try not to care).

I have SO MUCH I want to do with my life, but I can’t even brush my teeth most nights. I’ve tried every piece of advice I‘ve been given for managing my ADHD, yet I’m still wasting every day rotting on the couch instead. This is one of the last things I wanna be doing, and it’s so frustrating that I can't just get myself to stop already. It feels like such a waste of money going to therapy every week and asking how to manage executive dysfunction, getting advice, having full intention of at least trying it, and then not even being able to get myself to try most of his advice because my executive functioning is so bad.

And even when I’m genuinely interested in something, I still can’t fucking focus. I just end up zoning out. Every story I’ve heard about trying ADHD meds is either “my first or second prescription changed my life!” or “I tried different meds for years, none of them work for me”, and I really don’t wanna be the latter. I just wanna be a normal fucking person, or at least somewhat close to that. I want to partake in my hobbies again. Or at least pass college

In high school I hung out mostly with guys because I found it harder to talk to other girls (probably cause I’m a lesbian, idk), and I’d see my guy friends roughhousing and I really wanted to do the same but every time I tried to join they just got all awkward and didn’t engage in it with me. I didn’t really understand why because I saw myself as much stronger than I actually was at the time, but now that I’m older I realize that they probably just didn’t wanna hurt me because I’m smaller and have less muscle mass, which is understandable. However, I do wish that at least other girls would roughhouse with me, but I feel like it’s one of those things that would be kinda weird/awkward to initiate verbally

i posted a tiktok where I’m wearing short sleeves (because it’s hot as hell here), and my arms were not at all the focus of the video, but somebody commented asking me to put a trigger warning in videos where my scars are visible. My scars are deep and there’s a lot of them, but the most recent ones are 2 years old. They said they felt triggered by it, and I don’t wanna trigger anybody, but also I really do not wanna draw attention to my scars or have to think about them every time I go to upload a video where it’s too hot for me to be covering my arms & legs. And it just doesn’t feel fair that I shouldn’t be able to show my arms & legs because of something I did 2 years ago. They’re being very persistent about the fact that I should add tws when my scars are visible and idk if they’re right or not. What should I do?

I have the money for a bontail, but if I can get similar quality from making a hypermotion tail with foam and stuff it would definitely be nice to not have to spend so much. I really want the movement to be realistic though!

also, aside from a mask and a tail, what are some ways I can look more squirrel-y? I’m a caucasian squirrel

I tried quadrobics for the first time the other day and it was so freeing and fun, I didn’t even realize it was causing any pain until I was done. Now I have a constant ache in my spine and pelvis, and sitting hurts, and talking/singing sometimes kinda hurts too. Is this normal? I did stretch beforehand

When my rabbi asked if there was anyone besides him that I wanted to be on the beit din, I could only think of one rabbi, so he told me he’d find a third for me. I just got an email confirming the details for the mikveh & meeting with the beit din, and it turns out the third rabbi is gonna be the dad of my ex from high school.

I’m fine with that, but I’m worried that it might be awkward for him? I’ve legally changed my first name since I met him, and I look drastically different now (I was identifying as a trans guy when I met him) so he might not recognize me at first, but also his son is the reason I started learning about Judaism in the first place, so that might be brought up, and idk if that’ll be weird for him. I’m very bad at navigating social situations, so I have no idea if I’m overthinking this or if it’s a legitimate concern that I should bring up. I don’t wanna make anyone uncomfortable.

Also I just wanna say I’m very excited and nervous to take this next step!! I’m so grateful for my rabbi, my family, my friends, and everyone else who has helped me on this journey :)