u/SmeXy-midgett

Hey, we are recruiting members, especially for CWL starting soon. We need active attackers who communicate when necessary and do their part in the clan.

We do wars back to back and take all COC events seriously. We maintain a friendly atmosphere and having active members always.

Interested? You can join our discord at https://discord.gg/C44rZhXRz

Hi! We are friendly and active here, we also take all clan events seriously. We are looking for more strong, active, consistent players to join us! We do wars back to back, so we ask that you always communicate your availability through the chat and/or war sign up!

We do well in wars, and want to keep getting better as a clan! Just make sure to try your best with us for every war you partake in. We need those members who engage with us, stay active, donate eachother and really want to become part of a clan.

We are intentionally focused on getting higher town hall members, especially for CWL! We also have a discord which isn't mandatory to be in our clan, but is available to join and chat in! We'd like it to be more lively, so if you're interested to join us we do encourage you to join it > https://discord.gg/C44rZhXRz

Join WorldDomination. : )

Sorry, I don't know a better way to phrase it. I have been with him for about 2 years now, but it feels very much like we have not made much depth with each other or become familiar, like how relationships are supposed to be.

He asks me questions about why I am the way I am, which I don't know how to answer because I've never really thought about myself with the purpose of defining how I am with reasoning.

I have been failing to understand him sometimes, which leads to me being seen as having no empathy or care. I've been feeling very frustrated with this, and there is no one I can talk to irl to understand better.

I will admit that something is probably wrong with me and I am difficult, but I don't try to make it his problem. Like, when I am feeling off, I say that I need to be on my own for a day, so no talking, but he acts like if I am hurting him even if I ask nicely.

Like, "You already got 2 days last time, I'm not doing that again," but then when I am unable to conversate better he gets upset and says goodbye anyways which makes me very sad! Because I feel like I am being rejected for trying to pay attention to him like he wanted.

He wants there to be more physical affection, and I do too, but I don't know how to begin that and where I am supposed to put my hands normally. I asked him, and he said he didn't know either. I do want to be more familiar with him physically, but when I try, it feels very odd, and my mind goes blank. It feels foreign and like if I am a pervert and my movements feel rusty, which makes me feel embarrassed.

As for the empathy, I say "mean" things but I feel like I am just stating my feelings and thoughts but then he gets shocked and acts like he is realizing I am an evil person which confuses me because I was just saying my thoughts and sometimes my thoughts are bad.

For example, I told him he isn't funny because he makes the same jokes only which are jokes I never found funny in the first place, like jokes about him being autistic and having a "CT" or something. Apparently, I was mean for that.

I also don't like to hear about his body issues anymore cause they are always brought up when I mention my body and well? He is built very normally? He is 6'2 and fit because he has always been sporty but says things like "tell me about it, I know about that" or "Yeah, it's hard for us" but I have been anemic and underweight basically my whole life and I am still losing weight which makes people say weird things to me so much which he doesn't relate to.

I talk about how sad I am that I can't get clothes that fit me and people just tell me to wear children's clothes, how I can barely remember things etc and then he starts talking like he can relate and being sorry for himself which I am ashamed to say makes me feel jealous because he looks so normal and strong.

Well, I respond, "This is frustrating me, and we can't relate to each other so it's time to change the subject," but apparently I was wrong for that even though I thought I said it very respectfully.

And sometimes I don't want to speak, not because I am upset but I just don't feel like using my mouth and looking as content as I feel (my face) or thinking for conversations which I know he won't have fun dealing with. Therefore, I decided we should only talk over text from 9am. to 9 p.m., so we will still be in contact, and I have time to be quiet on my own every day, but there will be no physical meetings.

Apparently, that is also unbearable for him, and he said we were done when I decided on that arrangement. I accepted, "Okay, understandable. Thank you for trying," but then he changed his mind immediately and begged me not to leave, saying he was just emotional and can't actually handle not being with me.

I do feel or think I love him a lot, and he is the only person I want to be with and stay with forever, but due to me being very awful like this he says I don't really care or love him which confuses me because I feel like I do but I don't think I can defend myself because I have been told I don't love or care for people since I was a child. That makes me think that it can't be a coincidence, and I may have been treating everyone with no love or care while lying saying I do love them.

If I don't love him, I want to love him, and I want to be like a person in a relationship that loves and cares for their partner. But the ways I see it is shown in relationships feels very foreign when I try to do it.

I don't enjoy making eye contact at all, especially when in conversation, because it feels like I can't maintain eye contact and use my mouth at the same time. When I try, I feel like my body automatically makes me look away as I talk or look down at their mouth, which feels awkward.

I also dont feel everything the same way he feels it or others, and I feel like I should be sorry for it, which I can't do because I just don't feel remorse or apologetic for that in particular. I do say the words sorry, but he says it is not sincere. I have explained already that I can't create the sincerity out of nothing. I also can't make my tone of speaking seem very sincere, or make my expression show it when I want.

I honestly do want to stay in this relationship and love him, I also want to be normal in the relationship. I am always daydreaming of myself being affectionate and talking normally, but it's not me, and I can't copy what I do in my daydreams naturally. This feels very humiliating to type.

Is the only right choice leaving and practicing being better alone because I am not fit to be in a relationship even though I want to be? I have searched online to see what is said about learning how to be in a relationship but it is just generic stuff which does not help me understand. I'm starting to think I am an abusive person in some way.

I am just so sad cuz I just want GAY attention from women, noooooot men. People are not drawn to me much anyway, men even. But whenever someone is, it's always a man, and it's never nice.

It is NEVER nice, it's men driving by and asking me if I need a drive when their funky car is stacked with garbage and they are snickering at me or old men staring me down like if they are trying to intimidate me.

I just want to meet a woman and go on dates and by gay, I love all types of women as they come, and I see so many beautiful women every day here cuz the women here are just stunning but it feels impossible here. I think I'm beautiful anyways, why are all these women only interested in the men here who won't even wear anything other than a vest and skinny jeans that is always sagging, like HELLO I'M RIGHT HERE! Maybe I am just not their type, so they don't look my way even if they are queer but never? Not even once.

This complaint probably isn't new, but I have no one irl who wants to hear me ring their ears off about this. I feel sorry for myself, I think I might be lonely and feeling left out of being celebratory over pride month stuff since it is barely anything of importance to people here. It's not taken well. I think I'll delete this soon if I don't feel any better getting this rant out cuz these petty feelings need to go.

I feel like I am barely growing out of the effects of being brought up this way. It feels humiliating. I can barely travel, and I do try, but I really struggle with directions. The fact that I barely have experience makes it worse!

What's worse, my parents straight up deny or act oblivious to how sheltered they kept us but also take every opportunity to shame me for the "adult" things I struggle with and for not being good at doing things on my own??

I literally went home from school every day in the backseat of a wannabe groomer's car until I was 18 because my parents decided that was safer than me traveling home myself. And when I was finally allowed to travel, they stay BAFFLED that I... don't know how?

I still have trouble with being too shy and getting nervous in public, but at least I am making progress now. Still, I have a lot to be upset about. I missed out on so much, I didn't even know how to make friends, and low-key got bullied without even being aware till way later. And my parents, of course, didn't care that I had no real friends because for some reason, they felt like I was "better" than the other children and felt like me being friendless was a good thing.

I'm just very angry about this, I want to just have normal motor skills and feel calm being an adult. I need a break from being nervous and feeling lost constantly. I cannot wait until I am fully independent!