u/Solid-Version

The whole notion of wanting to get a glimpse or wanting to meet of your fave celebrity artist outside of what they do is pure nonsense.

Fan boys and girls waiting for ages so they see these celebrities for 10 seconds makes zero sense to. Like when a celebrity decides to walk in public surrounded by body guards whilst every clamours to see them is peak human idiocy.

For example, Kendrick Lamar is my favourite artist. I love him for his music but it doesn’t go beyond that. If he was in the same room as me I wouldn’t feel the need to go speak to him or try to ‘see’ him.

If I wanna watch him perform I’ll see him in concert by have nothing to gain from simply being in the same room as him praying he gives me a whiff of his attention.

And even he did, what the fuck would I even say to him anyways? ‘Err love your music bro.’ I know I do, he knows I do, what needs to be said?

Love the celebrity for whatever it is they do. Listen to their music, watch their movies, buy their merch. But meeting or seeing them in person outside of that is just pointless and often times ridiculous.

In my last post I talked about healthy detachment and how decentering your partner is key to outgrowing RJ:

https://www.reddit.com/r/retroactivejealousy/s/2uRCDEMVFc

However this doesn’t mean you aren’t still going to face hard challenges from time to time. I want you to imagine you have a bruise. The bruise what’s to heal but you keep poking it with your finger.

The finger is you constantly paying attention to the wound and so not letting it heal, which is what my last post covers.

With this post, we’re going to look at healing the bruise and why the bruise is there in the first place.

What assumption or insecurity is RJ affirming inside you

RJ in isolation are just thoughts. Thoughts by themselves are harmless. Just like you holding a bullet in your hand is harmless. But that bullet into a gun though and it becomes deadly.

So is the same with our thoughts, the container we put them in determines the effect they have on us.

Within all of us there’s an underlying assumption that RJ leans on to prop itself us. That assumption is bolstered by a deep or not so deep insecurity we harbour and in turn RJ becomes a representation of that insecurity. Those assumptions and insecurities can look different in all of us but the mechanism is still the same.

I’ll use my own experience as an example.

The insecurity:

I straight up do not like the fact my gf finds other men attractive. Even her gushing over celebrities sends me in to a spiral of insecurity and feeling like I’m second best.

Its irrational because of course I find other women attractive, probs more so than my gf finds other men attractive.

But the thought of her finding other men attractive is deeply threatening to me.

The assumption:

Based on that insecurity in them assume that I’m not good enough. That someone my gf finds more attractive is waiting in the wings and it’s just a matter of time before my gf encounters him and will jump ship or at worst, cheat. And I’ll be left helpless and humiliated. This is admittedly a deep fear of mine.

RJ role affirmation

And this is where RJ comes in. It’s our own in built (and faulty) threat detection system. RJ scans the past as evidence of the above insecurity and assumptions I harbour. If she has slept with other people (outside of a relationship for me) that is evidence enough that she can find someone else attractive enough to sleep with them outside of relationship.

This is why I myself am not bothered about her ex bf of 8 years at all but bothered about a guy she briefly dated.

Retroactive jealousy is confirmation not the source

As with all problems you tackle them at the source. There’s no point in my trying to fight the RJ thoughts themselves. That’s like trying to mop the ocean.

Instead, it is wiser to explore and examine the underlying insecurity and assumption.

For me it was learning to be ok with the fact that my gf finds other men attractive. That her finding other men attractive doesn’t diminish my value. That finding people attractive is not some supernatural pull of helpless desire but a natural human behaviour that most people never even act on.

I also had to learn to value myself on my own merit, without needing to compare myself to other men (this is game changer, I’ll write about this in the next post).

I found I had a lot more power in reshaping these assumptions than I ever did trying to squash RJ.

A simple exercise you can do:

1. When you’re next triggered by RJ, write down exactly what it is you are feeling. Could be your second best? That you’re not special?

Could be one thing, could be several. Write them all done

2. Collate them and look for patterns. Ask yourself what assumptions am I basing these off. What story am I telling myself based on what’s written down

3. The heart of it, what insecurity am I basing these assumptions off. There will always be at least one.

This is the jewel(s) you’ve been digging for. This is what you have power over. Write down. And everyday, find ways of challenging it. It won’t be clean, it won’t even make a dent some days. But my chilling away that the insecurity or belief everyday you start to see that it is not downtime absolute or set in stone. You start to form cracks. This thing is not invincible after all.

This type of internal work has helped me immensely. Along side my heathy detachment work too.

Both combined, I’m no longer poking the bruise as much and also letting it heal at the same time by undoing the underlying assumptions and insecurities that fuel RJ

I’ve always been curious about this. My gf always tells me she loves when I do things or anticipate her needs without her having to ask.

For example, she was busy today working with clients and me knowing her, knew she forgot to eat something. So I ordered her some food just because.

I hear this a lot from social media/other women I know. It seems to be high on the list of desirable traits women want in a man.

Of course it would be nice if someone did something like that for me but it’s not necessarily something I look for in a partner myself. But I know women really love it.

Why exactly is this? As a man I can’t say I’m really bothered if my needs are anticipated by someone else or not as I feel I’d always try and fulfil them myself before leaning on anyone else to do it for me. What is the specific mechanism/thought process behind loving this trait so much. Someone please enlighten me? 😊

I saw on a job application. Like why do we have to pretend that we live and breathe for this shit lol. No one ever woke up dreaming of smashing out excel spreadsheets their whole life.

Yet we’re supposed to do this dance and pretend it’s all we ever dreamed of.

We are brainwashed lol

I wrote a post about how healthy detachment is key to minimising RJs hold over us

https://www.reddit.com/r/retroactivejealousy/s/kZv6s4NzU8

I would like provide more insight as to how this is working for me and what I’ve discovered upon my most recent visit to my gf.

We’re long distance, so I only get to see her every 3 months at least. This means long periods apart. Historically RJ is always strongest when I’m away from my partner. When I’m with her RJ barely registers. It almost doesn’t exist and I enjoy our relationship a lot. It’s when im not with her RJ was strongest.

But since practicing healthy detachment, RJ has been a minimal aspect to my life. However I was terrified that I’d cut myself off emotionally from my gf by doing this. All my fears fell away when I saw again.

All the love I have for her, the raw passion was still there perfectly in place. We’ve had an amazing time, amazing sex, formed a deeper connection than we’ve ever had.

My detachment didn’t shut these feelings down permanently. It just turned the volume down enough so I’m not preoccupied with my partner.

The preoccupation is threat scanning in disguise.

Many of us think it’s normal to be preoccupied with your partner all the time. We place them at centre stage in our mind because it gives us a sense of control and vigilance over the relationship. We become afraid to not be consumed by our relationship because we’ve come to depend on the attachment of our partner to feel a sense of security.

To elaborate on my metaphor, imagine our relationship was music. We need to have the volume to turned all the way up all the time. When we’re with our partner and when we’re without. This stops us from hearing anything else and so gives RJ room to manifest.

You need to get comfortable with turning the volume down…

…when you’re not with your partner. This is the scary part. Because turning to volume down feels like letting go. Like your hold over your partner is getting slack and that by not being preoccupied with them, they’ll fly away.

But just like with real music, turning the volume down doesn’t mean the song isn’t still playing.

Trust in your partner, trust in the love you share. Trust in yourself, that you have a complete life without your partner. That you are a whole valuable person just on your own.

Like music, there’s alway an appropriate time to turn the volume up, all the way if you wish. Be it your room, your car, your headphones.

So it’s the same with your relationship. When you’re with your partner, turn that shit all the way up if you like.

But do not be afraid to turn it down when you are away from them. There are several other songs in your life you can listen to that are playing at the same time.

I’m writing this at the airport on my way back from seeing my gf. We’ve had an amazing time and are even more in love with each other. But when I get back, she’s my favourite song for sure, but I’m gonna have to turn the volume down.

High enough so that I can still hear it but low enough so I can enjoy other aspects of my life when she’s not around 😊

Someone posted something similar a while ago and I thought I’d expand on it.

Making your partner and sex life with them your whole world is prime breeding ground for RJ. Centring your relationship in a such a way makes your partner an extension of your ego and thus anything attached to them, like their past gets treated like a threat.

I want to give you a little thought exercise.

I want you to imagine breaking up with your partner. What life would be like after them. Do you feel like:

A. My life will be in shambles. I’ll never meet anyone who will love me the same way and they’ll probably meet someone better than me whilst I’ll be lonely. My life won’t be great without them.

Or

B. It will be tough to get through but I have a lot to live for outside of my relationship. My life is great with or without my partner. A break will hurt but it won’t end me.

If the answer is closer to A than B then this could very well be part of, reason you have trouble with RJ.

Healthy detachment imo is necessary for keeping RJ at bay. That doesn’t mean disconnect emotionally from your partner. It’s means engaging more meaningfully with aspects of your life outside your relationship.

Your partner shouldn’t always be your propriety, especially at the expense of your own needs.

What I’ve learned over the years is that you can’t scrub RJ away. You outgrow it.

RJ is weakest and sometimes no existent when I’m able to detach from my partner where we still hold a great emotional bond, connection and intensity but it isn’t all consuming.

I’ve learned to allocate my emotional energy to my relationship in a way that doesn’t take away from the rest of my life. This doesn’t mean becoming emotionally distant or cold. Just balanced.

Real healthy love doesn’t revolve around intensity. It revolves around mutual respect, care, trust and understanding that whilst we love each other, we have our own lives and inner worlds that we need to tend to.

Ultimately it’s not about loving your partner less, it’s about needing them less to regulate your sense of self

I believe finding that balance is fundamental in keeping RJ at a minimum.

I plan on seeing getting a feather for some foreplay before I see my gf next. Wanna do some blindfold, feather play type stuff.

I’ve never used one before. I just wanna know if rubbing it lightly on the labia and clit is stimulating or do I keep it for other sensitive parts?

I’m the middle of a 4th or 5th draft of a novelette (I’ve lost count lol) and I’ve had to re do the third chapter go include new plot elements.

Yesterday was probably one the worst days of writing I have ever had in my life. Everything I wrote for this chapter SUCKED. I was siphoning parts from the previous version whilst clumsily slotting in the new elements, like I was slinging mud a half formed sculpture and missing. I’m talking literal vomit on the page.

Every single doubt I’ve ever had about myself with regard to writing came bubbling to the surface. ‘Is this worth it?’ ‘I’m so trash.’ ‘Who’s even gonna read this shit.’ ‘I’m not a writer.’

It truly was a sobering experience. I got to the end and just shut my laptop and held my head in my hands for 10 mins before going to bed.

Today after work and gym session I decided to open my laptop and get working on again.

And guess what?

**It went so much better than the previous day**

Because now I was in editing mode. I wasn’t creating and editing at the same time. The putty was on the table. I was just shaping it now. Metaphors were coming out thick and fast. Dialogue got sharper, observations and descriptions tighter.

I couldn’t believe this was the same slop I was crying over yesterday. I’m half way through the revision and it’s looking a million times better already.

**You just have to push through the pain**

It’s the worst feeling but keep the faith. New thoughts and concepts are never going to be perfect when they come out.

Think of each one like birthing a new child. You have to nurture and feed that child to let it grow.

Then you can start ‘teaching it’ which is the editing process. This is where you’ll get to really shape your story into what you want it to be, you just have TJ wade through murky waters first to get there.

When you’re going through the sludge, keep the faith. The difference between yesterday and today was a revelation and I’ve learned a lot from the experience

I’m the middle of a 4th or 5th draft of a novelette (I’ve lost count lol) and I’ve had to re do the third chapter go include new plot elements.

Yesterday was probably one the worst days of writing I have ever had in my life. Everything I wrote for this chapter SUCKED. I was siphoning parts from the previous version whilst clumsily slotting in the new elements, like I was slinging mud a half formed sculpture and missing. I’m talking literal vomit on the page.

Every single doubt I’ve ever had about myself with regard to writing came bubbling to the surface. ‘Is this worth it?’ ‘I’m so trash.’ ‘Who’s even gonna read this shit.’ ‘I’m not a writer.’

It truly was a sobering experience. I got to the end and just shut my laptop and held my head in my hands for 10 mins before going to bed.

Today after work and gym session I decided to open my laptop and get working on again.

And guess what?

It went so much better than the previous day

Because now I was in editing mode. I wasn’t creating and editing at the same time. The putty was on the table. I was just shaping it now. Metaphors were coming out thick and fast. Dialogue got sharper, observations and descriptions tighter.

I couldn’t believe this was the same slop I was crying over yesterday. I’m half way through the revision and it’s looking a million times better already.

You just have to push through the pain

It’s the worst feeling but keep the faith. New thoughts and concepts are never going to be perfect when they come out.

Think of each one like birthing a new child. You have to nurture and feed that child to let it grow.

Then you can start ‘teaching it’ which is the editing process. This is where you’ll get to really shape your story into what you want it to be, you just have TJ wade through murky waters first to get there.

When you’re going through the sludge, keep the faith. The difference between yesterday and today was a revelation and I’ve learned a lot from the experience

I noticed sometimes I can go a whole week without thinking of RJ until I think about the fact I haven’t had RJ a thought lol.

However I’ve identified a number of situations where RJ is minimal. The following is a list of moments, situations or actions I take that make my RJ almost non existent.

Indulge in a creative passion project with a goal and self set deadline

This helps me the most. I’m a budding writer. Writing fantasy is my passion. I love creating worlds and bringing them to life. I mostly write short stories for now and set a goal and deadline with each one.

As it’s a creative passion captures and invests emotional energy into something positive and meaningful. Emotional energy I would others spend on ruminating with RJ.

I can literally feel the RJ trying to break through. Like a wasp at my window trying to get in but it can’t get through the glass.

If you have a creative passion, pursue it with seriousness. Even if it’s for a short period. You like to draw, say you’ll draw 5 portraits in 1 week.

Creativity is a very cathartic process and really assists in emotional regulation.

When I laugh with my gf

Me and gf have an awesome relationship where we make each other laugh a lot. She is honestly one of the funniest people I know. When we’re belly laughing and finding each other hilarious RJ simply has no room to flourish.

I guess it reminds me of how great other aspects of our relationship are that doesn’t revolve around sex. What we share is ours and ours alone,

When I’m cultivating positivity

Being a positive force in the world goes along way. Positive energy is often reflected back and can alter your perception of the world.

Smile and tell the cashier to enjoy to enjoy the rest of the day. Offer compliment to a stranger. Wish someone a good morning, day or evening with genuine enthusiasm.

I’m not saying be in peoples faces all day and do all these things at once. Just occasionally make someone’s day and you may find, you’re making your own too.

Acts of kindness and connection pull my attention outward and remind me I’m part of a world much bigger than RJ.

When I revel in good memories from my past.

Look at old photos, adventures and experiences I’ve had. Occasionally it’s good to remind yourself that you are a whole person outside of your relationship.

RJ tries to isolate you mentally. As if your whole life revolves around solving it. Reminding yourself of who you are as a complete, autonomous person is powerful in relegating RJ to background noise.

Now these aren’t cures or things you can keep up with all the time. Or things you should force as some kind of iron clad routine. They’re just habits I’ve formed over time that keeps that RJ wasp forever at the window. Buzzing but beneath my notice so it’s just background noise.

If anyone else has anything they can share where they keep their RJ at bay, go ahead.

I’d love to see other perspectives

This may sound like I’m stating the obvious but stop watching porn.

Watching images of other people having sex will stimulate your mind to think about it more and eventually started ruminating again.

All it takes is one errant thought. ‘Did she like it the way the woman does in this video?’

‘Did she make the same face?’

‘Did she suck his dick like that?’

Porn is fuel to the RJ fire. Stop watching.

8.5/10

This book had been on my radar for the longest time. Word of it came to me whilst in the middle of a my second Malazan read through and so it was a while before I could get my hands on it.

My darling gf bought it for me as a gift since she knew I’ve been wanting to read more African flavoured fantasy stories.

After a dizzying start I’m thrilled to say that this was one of the most breathtakingly original and thrilling fantasy novels I’ve ever read.

We follow the first person view of Tracker, who at the start is being interrogated by an invisible inquisitor which is essentially your surrogate as a reader. This serves as an invite to scrutinise and absorb every word with a healthy amount of suspicion as it will become clear later in the story, not all is as Tracker says or believes it is. The story is framed by this narrative.

Written in the style of African oral traditions, the whole thing reads like fever dream, especially at the start where we’re given a number of seemingly unrelated stories from Tracker himself regarding his upbringing and reason for ending up where he is.

At first I found this a little off putting as I was thrown left, right, up and down and sideways piecing together different aspects of Trackers life without having any firm grip as to what the overall narrative is. However after one particular chapter that serves as a street level “council of Elrond” scene that story straightens out with a clear narrative and direction and the adventure begins in earnest.

And what an adventure it is. The tagline describes it as an African Game of Thrones. There’s a story element that I can kind of see why some would make that assertion but I would say it leans more in Lord of The Rings myth making with the gritty, grimdark violence of Berserk. And when it comes to violence, this novel does not relent.

We are slapped in the face with graphic violence throughout. Physical, sexual, emotional and everything in between. I usually consider myself quite hardened to violence in media but even I had to pause for breath a few times mouthing a silent ‘WTF?’ before continuing.

Underneath it all there is a heartfelt, softer element revolving around the novels protagonist. I really enjoyed Tracker.
As the vehicle for most of the story he serves as very robust protagonist.
He is stroppy, sarcastic, argumentative, jealous, guarded, angry, horny, vengeful whilst also being caring, deeply loyal, anxious, romantic. His world is one full of betrayal, violence and mistrust which he navigates whilst also harbouring deep traumas from his past.
Gifted with a preternatural ability to smell he can track anything anywhere over vast distances and locations. He makes use of it as a small time mercenary, employed by suspicions wives looking for adulterous husbands or parents searching for lost children and many other pedestrian tasks. His encounters and experiences often lead him to see the very worst in people, reaffirming his cynical worldview.
Underneath it all there is a tender heart wanting to really be seen but has walls around him high as mountains he only allows not even a handful of people to get close. He’s learned closeness has consequences, often deadly ones.

The side characters are equally as alluring, each with their own mysterious motivations and backgrounds. Among them, we have Trackers best friend the Leopard with whom he is frequently at odds with to the point where you wonder if Tracker loves or hates him. A man hating witch, a gentle giant (but don’t call him a giant or you’ll regret it) with a tragic backstory, a slippery conman of whom makes Tracker froth at the mouth with anger, just to name a few

Upon his adventures we are taken across the northern part of the unnamed continent. The story moves from location to location at a break neck pace so we get to explore much of the stories map. One thing that stood out to me is how much character every location has. Marlon James does such a fantastic job of making every location feel unique, original and wonderful.
He draws a lot from African mythology which is very under represented in the realms of fantasy but makes the story all the more original. From bloodsucking, lightening birds to giant lake turtles the plethora of fantastical beasts fills out the fantasy element to perfection.

The authors descriptive style really adds to the flavour too. Locations are often described as to how they make Tracker feel more so than overtly physical descriptions, lending each place it’s own sense of personality as if they were characters themselves.

As I mentioned before the scattered starting chapters may feel like turn off many readers who prefer a more straight forward narrative and nearly being deterred myself, I understand that. But upon finishing I realise how much they lend to Trackers psyche later on in the story.

Black Leopard, Red Wolf is a very dense read. Things move in a way that doesn’t permit lazy reading. Characters often talk in near riddle like forms of speech that can feel jarring at first but as you settle in so many lines have a poetic quality to them that often found myself smiling at how beautifully something was said.

Easily my favourite read so far this year (surpassing Steven Eriksons Fall of Light which I absolutely adored), Black Leopard, Red Wolf is an unflinching, gritty, terrifically original fantasy novel that left me wanting more.

I can’t wait to tuck into the sequel.

8.5/10

8.5/10

This book had been on my radar for the longest time. Word of it came to me whilst in the middle of a my second Malazan read through and so it was a while before I could get my hands on it.

My darling gf bought it for me as a gift since she knew I’ve been wanting to read more African flavoured fantasy stories.

After a dizzying start I’m thrilled to say that this was one of the most breathtakingly original and thrilling fantasy novels I’ve ever read.

We follow the first person view of Tracker, who at the start is being interrogated by an invisible inquisitor which is essentially your surrogate as a reader. This serves as an invite to scrutinise and absorb every word with a healthy amount of suspicion as it will become clear later in the story, not all is as Tracker says or believes it is. The story is framed by this narrative.

Written in the style of African oral traditions, the whole thing reads like fever dream, especially at the start where we’re given a number of seemingly unrelated stories from Tracker himself regarding his upbringing and reason for ending up where he is.

At first I found this a little off putting as I was thrown left, right, up and down and sideways piecing together different aspects of Trackers life without having any firm grip as to what the overall narrative is. However after one particular chapter that serves as a street level “council of Elrond” scene that story straightens out with a clear narrative and direction and the adventure begins in earnest.

And what an adventure it is. The tagline describes it as an African Game of Thrones. There’s a story element that I can kind of see why some would make that assertion but I would say it leans more in Lord of The Rings myth making with the gritty, grimdark violence of Berserk. And when it comes to violence, this novel does not relent.

We are slapped in the face with graphic violence throughout. Physical, sexual, emotional and everything in between. I usually consider myself quite hardened to violence in media but even I had to pause for breath a few times mouthing a silent ‘WTF?’ before continuing.

Underneath it all there is a heartfelt, softer element revolving around the novels protagonist. I really enjoyed Tracker.
As the vehicle for most of the story he serves as very robust protagonist.
He is stroppy, sarcastic, argumentative, jealous, guarded, angry, horny, vengeful whilst also being caring, deeply loyal, anxious, romantic. His world is one full of betrayal, violence and mistrust which he navigates whilst also harbouring deep traumas from his past.
Gifted with a preternatural ability to smell he can track anything anywhere over vast distances and locations. He makes use of it as a small time mercenary, employed by suspicions wives looking for adulterous husbands or parents searching for lost children and many other pedestrian tasks. His encounters and experiences often lead him to see the very worst in people, reaffirming his cynical worldview.
Underneath it all there is a tender heart wanting to really be seen but has walls around him high as mountains he only allows not even a handful of people to get close. He’s learned closeness has consequences, often deadly ones.

The side characters are equally as alluring, each with their own mysterious motivations and backgrounds. Among them, we have Trackers best friend the Leopard with whom he is frequently at odds with to the point where you wonder if Tracker loves or hates him. A man hating witch, a gentle giant (but don’t call him a giant or you’ll regret it) with a tragic backstory, a slippery conman of whom makes Tracker froth at the mouth with anger, just to name a few

Upon his adventures we are taken across the northern part of the unnamed continent. The story moves from location to location at a break neck pace so we get to explore much of the stories map. One thing that stood out to me is how much character every location has. Marlon James does such a fantastic job of making every location feel unique, original and wonderful.
He draws a lot from African mythology which is very under represented in the realms of fantasy but makes the story all the more original. From bloodsucking, lightening birds to giant lake turtles the plethora of fantastical beasts fills out the fantasy element to perfection.

The authors descriptive style really adds to the flavour too. Locations are often described as to how they make Tracker feel more so than overtly physical descriptions, lending each place it’s own sense of personality as if they were characters themselves.

As I mentioned before the scattered starting chapters may feel like turn off many readers who prefer a more straight forward narrative and nearly being deterred myself, I understand that. But upon finishing I realise how much they lend to Trackers psyche later on in the story.

Black Leopard, Red Wolf is a very dense read. Things move in a way that doesn’t permit lazy reading. Characters often talk in near riddle like forms of speech that can feel jarring at first but as you settle in so many lines have a poetic quality to them that often found myself smiling at how beautifully something was said.

Easily my favourite read so far this year (surpassing Steven Eriksons Fall of Light which I absolutely adored), Black Leopard, Red Wolf is an unflinching, gritty, terrifically original fantasy novel that left me wanting more.

I can’t wait to tuck into the sequel.

8.5/10

There tends to be a huge chunk of gamer fan bases that advocate that capitalism is the gold standard economic system that we just can’t do without and there’s no alternative.

Yet the drama surrounding this whole Sony ‘no CD’ is ultimately a critique on the very system many of you claim is the best.

The gaming industry is not a perfectly competitive market. There’s a few big players sitting at the top of the pyramid that have smashed their competition out the water and created a high barrier to entry for any future competitors.

Ultimately this leads to monopolistic behaviour among these players because they isolate their markets and essentially rig supply and demand so as to ensure their consumers have very limited options with regard to choice.

Now the issue with Sony and CDs is snap shot of the world we are living in and wish people would pay more attention to things that actually do extend past video games.

Imagine the exact same issue but with Healthcare, housing, utilities, gas, public services.

It is exactly this type of capitalism that is destroying our society but everyone’s energy towards it only extends to game CDs?

I’m not saying you shouldn’t be mad about this but if you can be mad about this, there’s a whole lot of other important stuff you can put the same energy towards that would actually benefit in a major way.

I’ve just seen a petition has reached 120,000 signatures for the PS6 to have disc features.

Look how quickly people can mobilise and try to influence change when it’s something they care about.

Imagine that sort of energy being put against health insurance companies? Or the housing market?

Just a thought

One the most common forms of advice I see from editors is that every chapter and paragraphs should be doing something that advances the plot.

If it’s not doing that then it doesn’t belong. With regard to flashbacks. These by nature don’t advance the plot. Is the case that flashback can reveal elements of the plot you wouldn’t otherwise see? Or am I fundamentally missing something here?

Carrying on from my last post I aim to show you how certain modes of thinking fuelled my RJ and what changed.

Ever since I lost my virginity sex has always been for the most part, a way to affirm identity in someway. Whether it be my attractiveness, my self worth, my masculinity, my need to feel unique and special.

I genuinely believe this is the case for most people in the sub as well.

When we suffer RJ it’s not just our partners past in itself that harms us. It’s the story we tell ourselves about what their past represents.

‘I’m not as attractive’ ’I’m not special to them’ ‘I’m not as good in bed’ ‘they’ve settled for me.’

Whether your partner is your first or your fifteenth it’s all the same. Their past represents a narrative that threatens your identity.

Consciously or subconsciously for many of us, sex with our partners has been a way of affirming identity of yourself and the relationship. It affirms you’re attractive, special, unique, you’re the only one they find attractive.

So is it any wonder that you find their past so threatening? Their past attacks the identity you’ve moulded from sex. Your brain scans the past looking for evidence that you are indeed ‘not special’ ‘not the list attractive’

“If she has shared this with others before, then what I’m receiving is less meaningful as validation.”

Is what you are telling yourself

Sex should be about connection more than anything

Sex should be about connection. The only thing that should matter is the connection you and your partner have. Based on that, why would even need to compare? Why would you need to look externally?

When I made this shift it took while for me to recognise what my old way of thinking about sex was doing to me and why I suffered RJ all my life.

When the mind is less focused on identity validation, the threat response tends to reduce.

Does this apply to you?

When you think about your partners past, sit down and ask yourself. What narrative/story am I forming here about me?

What story about myself am I telling here? Does their past make me feel less special?

Do I think they’re better off with someone else?

Are they settling for me?

I’m not their first and they’re mine, it’s not as special

These are just example but 9/10 there is a story or narrative you have formed because of RJ.

If there is one then that means for you, just like it was for me, sex is rooted in extracting affirmation about yourself that it is connection.