One the most common forms of advice I see from editors is that every chapter and paragraphs should be doing something that advances the plot.

If it’s not doing that then it doesn’t belong. With regard to flashbacks. These by nature don’t advance the plot. Is the case that flashback can reveal elements of the plot you wouldn’t otherwise see? Or am I fundamentally missing something here?

Carrying on from my last post I aim to show you how certain modes of thinking fuelled my RJ and what changed.

Ever since I lost my virginity sex has always been for the most part, a way to affirm identity in someway. Whether it be my attractiveness, my self worth, my masculinity, my need to feel unique and special.

I genuinely believe this is the case for most people in the sub as well.

When we suffer RJ it’s not just our partners past in itself that harms us. It’s the story we tell ourselves about what their past represents.

‘I’m not as attractive’ ’I’m not special to them’ ‘I’m not as good in bed’ ‘they’ve settled for me.’

Whether your partner is your first or your fifteenth it’s all the same. Their past represents a narrative that threatens your identity.

Consciously or subconsciously for many of us, sex with our partners has been a way of affirming identity of yourself and the relationship. It affirms you’re attractive, special, unique, you’re the only one they find attractive.

So is it any wonder that you find their past so threatening? Their past attacks the identity you’ve moulded from sex. Your brain scans the past looking for evidence that you are indeed ‘not special’ ‘not the list attractive’

“If she has shared this with others before, then what I’m receiving is less meaningful as validation.”

Is what you are telling yourself

Sex should be about connection more than anything

Sex should be about connection. The only thing that should matter is the connection you and your partner have. Based on that, why would even need to compare? Why would you need to look externally?

When I made this shift it took while for me to recognise what my old way of thinking about sex was doing to me and why I suffered RJ all my life.

When the mind is less focused on identity validation, the threat response tends to reduce.

Does this apply to you?

When you think about your partners past, sit down and ask yourself. What narrative/story am I forming here about me?

What story about myself am I telling here? Does their past make me feel less special?

Do I think they’re better off with someone else?

Are they settling for me?

I’m not their first and they’re mine, it’s not as special

These are just example but 9/10 there is a story or narrative you have formed because of RJ.

If there is one then that means for you, just like it was for me, sex is rooted in extracting affirmation about yourself that it is connection.

I made post last week asking if this prologue want warrant anyone to carry on reading. Here’s the post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/writingfeedback/s/4TEykvBvQo

Based on the feedback I’ve restructured things to anchor the story a lot more. Style over substance was the issue.

Here’s a revised version consisting of a prologue and the first part of chapter 1:

It’s a Grimdark fantasy story with anAfrican flavoured setting.

Word count: 4320

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ffroK\_h-kORD12keVyeX2Em-CApiN4JJwhWozUoqA6c/edit?usp=drivesdk

It’s a working draft, it’s not quite all the way there grammatically but once again I ask is this make you want to read more.

New and previous readers welcome to comment 😊

One of the most common complaints I see on this sub is that if their partner has had sex or other experiences with previous people it makes things with their partner somehow less special.

The logic being somehow your partners past experiences is somehow taking away from the uniqueness of your current relationship with them.

But here’s where the logic breaks down. Especially if you have had sexual experiences yourself.

If you have had past sexual experiences or otherwise then by the same logic no intimate experience is ever going to be unique because you have done it before.

So it makes no sense why is solely your partners responsibility to make the relationship unique whilst ignoring how your own experiences dilute the special in your relationship.

It’s very hypocritical and unfair.

You’ve had sex with other people or been on certain dates with other people. Received flowers or gifts from others. Been married before perhaps

Yet somehow this doesn’t make the relationship less special or not unique.

But your partner has done any of the above then all of sudden the blame is placed on them for the relationship lack of purity.

If you are someone that upholds that mindset and have had past experiences, your own logic will tell you that any relationship, sexual experiences or otherwise will ever be unique or special.

Often when we talk about a world divided we tend to view it through the lens of macro demographics. Left vs right, liberals vs conservatives, atheist vs theists etc.

But division of seeps its way down to micro levels. How many times have you seen someone make a hostile comment to someone’s Reddit post about being untidy or having difficulties with their relationship.

People seem treat people with differences in taste or preference with such hostility it makes me wonder why is everyone so mad all the time.

I believe the reason is because we, more then ever…

moralise our preferences. So what does that mean?

What we like, our tastes, music, fashion etc in this consumer world often form parts of our identity. And often as humans we feel threatened when we feel it’s under attack.

How many cope is by adding moral texture to their preferences. Rather than enjoying what they like on its own merit, they insist that their taste is the right taste and the further away from that taste someone is the lower on the morality scale they fall.

Now don’t get me wrong. Sobering things almost definitely need to be moralised, especially with sociocultural issues.

But the problem is that we apply that to everything. Tell someone you like your steak well done and they’ll act you’re a monster.

Things like obesity and poverty are treated like moral failings rather than systemic issues.

Heaven forbid a female celebrity be big. Because you know most of the hate will come from men who think ‘she’s not attractive to me, therefore she is of low moral substance for not being attractive to me.’

People can’t seem to understand that their way of doing or liking things isn’t the universal truth. The inability tolerate differences and uncertainty is the root cause here.

People will use morality to justify lashing out at any perceived threat to identity

I’ve been working on a novelette these last few months that serves as an introduction into a fantasy world I’m building.

I was on the fourth draft and coming to and end, thinking I can finally add the finishing touches when it dawned on me there was a huge plot hole that undermined the entire thing.

I found the solution but it means pretty much rewriting the whole thing almost from scratch. The realisation killed all my motivation even though I know the solution will work.

Yet this huge sense of doubt has crept in that makes me think why am I even bothering to do this.

How does I get over this hurdle? Its like I’m almost there but scared to do it all again just in case I discover something else doesn’t work.

The temptation to start an another project (in the same world) is overwhelming.

How do you push past this p

This is the opening chapter for a novelette I’m working on. It’s a fantasy character driven story. The passage below serves as a mini prologue. 436 words.

——

Osimbe winced as the tip of a spear plunged into his gut. He blinked, only to see a warrior a few strides away illuminated by the fire light wrapping leather around his own spears haft.
Somewhere else in the camp, the scrape of iron on whetstone.
He blinked again.
The flash of a blade as it sliced open his throat. He could feel the hot blood spill down his neck as if it was real. With every blink, visions of violence flashed before him, so vivid they bled into his surroundings.
A sword to the gut, spilling his bowels. An arrow to the chest, piercing his heart. The demon inside was relentless. Crowding his thoughts with savagery, fuelling his lust for blood.
Sipping from his gourd, he let the spirit pour down his throat.
He welcomed the harsh rub, the flush in the pit of his stomach that spread to his limbs. Calming the spasms, diluting the apparitions. Long gone were the days where he’d scream at every phantom attack. Terror soon turned to despair, despair to indifference.
Then finally. Laughter.
He cackled as the first stars blinked their way into the evening sky.
Wayward glances from around the camp were thrown his way. It was all he could do to not meet their eyes. Oh how the demon wanted to provoke them. To invite their blades and spears so he could hear the kiss of iron and taste the spill of blood. The laughter was residual from the constant battle within.
Despair and amusement both.
The way they sat around their fires, oiling blades, tightening grips, drawing whetstone to iron in slow, deliberate strokes. Gazes lingering a moment more than was necessary. Edges tested twice, three times.
*Look at you, disciples of violence. But I know the truth of it. I long to show you all. Slay me, stick a dagger in my eye. In my fury I am already blind.*
He shook his head. Were his thoughts even his own? He could no longer say.
The runes coating his body were barely visible in the burgeoning gloom. He rubbed his arms.
*If it wasn’t for that fucking pretender none of you would come out of this alive.*
The demon pushed again. Dying screams rattled his mind. He saw his hatchets sinking into the necks of slaves from the pits. Of fleeing men and women. Of children.
*No, please no*.
A sob caught in his throat. Despair threatened to overwhelm him but the demon swallowed it up, regurgitating it into something twisted and brutal.
He threw his head back as laughter escaped him into the night.

Edit: here’s part of the next chapter to show the contrast in prose

Mutumbo watched as the strange man reeled, choking on the contents of his gourd as he cackled.
‘What does he find so amusing?’
Siyandi looked up, then shrugged as she discarded her knife and stripped the skin from the rabbit she’d snared. The heat of the campfire layered her tattooed face with sweat.
‘Pup scared?’ she said in broken trader tongue.
Irritation flared. 
‘I told you to stop calling me that. I’m no child. Stand with me in a contest of strength and you’ll know the measure of my manhood.’
She hissed at him through the flames.
‘Manhood is not measured by the weight of your fist young warrior,’ Haruna said to his right. The nomad warrior’s tengaade hid his eyes in shadow as he diligently strung the gut to his bow. His voice carried softly in the gloom. His gaze shifted to Mutumbo’s weapon. ‘Nor by the swing of your club.’
‘I no play with sticks,’ Siyandi sneered as she pitched the meat onto the makeshift spit. 
Mock me one last time.
‘I throw stick, maybe you go fetch yes pup?’
He shot up to his feet.
‘You will answer for your disrespect. Stand and face me.’
Attention bristled around the camp. Activities ceased.
She stood up in answer, the play of the light casting her tattoos in ghastly visage. Tall for a woman, only half a head smaller than Mutumbo. She wore a leather bodice studded with bronze, with thick leather belt and cloth wrap around her waist.
‘Oh the pup wants to tussle,’ she said as she drew her short sword and pointed it curved edge towards him. ‘We have twelve year old girls in Kilani who have seen more blood than you. I bet my last cowrie.’
Someone laughed at that.
Mutumbo felt his cheeks burn in the dying light. 
‘Who said I haven’t seen any blood?’ he said defiantly.
‘A warrior knows,’ she said. ‘The mark. No see it. Your eyes, too eager. Your shoulders, unburdened. Innocence unsullied. You fool no one.’
My legend is only beginning, they’ll see.
‘Name your rules of engagement,’ he bellowed.
Laughter again, harsher, cutting across the camp.
Mutumbo’s eyes shifted to its source. Of his face, only a wide grin was visible in the gloom.
‘Rules of engagement,’ he cackled. ‘Violence in a pretty dress. Lift the skirt boy. Don’t mind the hair, she's a grizzly one. Beware the teeth though,’ he said before clutching his stomach in fits. ‘Don’t be so eager to step into the arena. The crowd, they thirst for blood. They’ll never let you leave until they’ve had their fill hehehehe.’
What is he talking about?
‘The woman is right, you haven’t killed shit. Walk away boy, before it’s too late,’ he said.
In a blink, Mutumbo could have sworn the laughing man's face softened. 
‘You challenge me?’
‘Is that what you think?’ His face morphed again into that twisted grin. ‘Then step this way.. Pup.’
Grease dripped into the flame, making it spit and bloom.
Enough!
Mutumbo stomped his way over to the man, reached down and hoisted him up the scruff of his leather vest. He was shorter than the Kinuin woman, broad of shoulder and slender at waist. Fire light reflected off his shorn pate. The only hair on his head sprung from his chin.
On his shoulders, the mantle of some spotted beast. 
A pattern skirt, cut off at the knees hung over his sandaled feet. 
His wide grin unsettled Mutumbo, like there was some stupid joke only he was privy to. His face seemed to stay fixed like that, more like a scar than a smile. One of his front teeth was missing. He felt light in Mutumbo's grip. 
See how easily I lift you.
‘State your name.’
‘Osimbe.’
Their eyes met. Again, changed. The grin lapsed, the eyes shifting from malice to…
He fears me.
‘By the laws of Ijakadi I challenge you Osimbe-
The man had his wrist. 
Pain snapped through Mutumbo’s arm as it was twisted outward, dragging him off balance. 
He swung blind with his free hand, hitting nothing but air.
The man was already under, grip gone.
Mutumbo turned raising his fist- 
A dull thud hit between his legs.
Nausea flashed, followed by pain that made his legs buckle. Tears filled his eyes as he wheezed, trying to force the air back into his lungs. 
The impact drew a collective hiss from onlookers.
He fell to his knees clutching his groin.
I wasn’t ready…
Osimbe stood over him. Now a giant in the way adults were to children. Mutumbo could see him pulling loose one of the axes at his waist. He wanted to move but the blow rendered his limbs useless. 
The axe head caught the firelight as it rose

This is the opening chapter for a novelette I’m working on. It’s a fantasy character driven story. The passage below serves as a mini prologue. 436 words.

——

Osimbe winced as the tip of a spear plunged into his gut. He blinked, only to see a warrior a few strides away illuminated by the fire light wrapping leather around his own spears haft.
Somewhere else in the camp, the scrape of iron on whetstone.
He blinked again.
The flash of a blade as it sliced open his throat. He could feel the hot blood spill down his neck as if it was real. With every blink, visions of violence flashed before him, so vivid they bled into his surroundings.
A sword to the gut, spilling his bowels. An arrow to the chest, piercing his heart. The demon inside was relentless. Crowding his thoughts with savagery, fuelling his lust for blood.
Sipping from his gourd, he let the spirit pour down his throat.
He welcomed the harsh rub, the flush in the pit of his stomach that spread to his limbs. Calming the spasms, diluting the apparitions. Long gone were the days where he’d scream at every phantom attack. Terror soon turned to despair, despair to indifference.
Then finally. Laughter.
He cackled as the first stars blinked their way into the evening sky.
Wayward glances from around the camp were thrown his way. It was all he could do to not meet their eyes. Oh how the demon wanted to provoke them. To invite their blades and spears so he could hear the kiss of iron and taste the spill of blood. The laughter was residual from the constant battle within.
Despair and amusement both.
The way they sat around their fires, oiling blades, tightening grips, drawing whetstone to iron in slow, deliberate strokes. Gazes lingering a moment more than was necessary. Edges tested twice, three times.
Look at you, disciples of violence. But I know the truth of it. I long to show you all. Slay me, stick a dagger in my eye. In my fury I am already blind.
He shook his head. Were his thoughts even his own? He could no longer say.
The runes coating his body were barely visible in the burgeoning gloom. He rubbed his arms.
If it wasn’t for that fucking pretender none of you would come out of this alive.
The demon pushed again. Dying screams rattled his mind. He saw his hatchets sinking into the necks of slaves from the pits. Of fleeing men and women. Of children.
No, please no.
A sob caught in his throat. Despair threatened to overwhelm him but the demon swallowed it up, regurgitating it into something twisted and brutal.
He threw his head back as laughter escaped him into the night.

There was post on here from a guy agonising over the fact his gf gave a guy a blowjob prior to them being together and one thing I picked up on was how little agency he gave his gf.

This is a common problem I see in the sub, particularly with men to their girlfriends. Alot dudes in this sub really do not see a woman’s value outside of sex and it shows.

The guy I mentioned above really couldn’t fathom the fact that his gf simply wanted to have a sexual experience outside of the relationship and he’s trying to figure out exactly why she did it. Like she’d committed something so objectionable it felt like a crime.

To anyone agonising over why their partner slept with someone, or did a sexual act, or dated a certain guy or girl or whatever. If you’re spending countless units of brain power trying to dissect every possible reason as to why whatever happened. The answer is simple and will always be the same:

They wanted to

That’s it. That’s the only answer you need. They simply wanted to. The reason why is really not your business.

Some of you will no doubt think this will make your RJ worse because it means you have to accept the fact that your partner was once attracted to someone else. (Wha?? 🤯)

But when you go deeper it does something even more powerful

It gives your partner agency

RJ is often a manifestation of a deeper fear or trauma. The most common one is that your partner could harbour the same desires for the type of person she once did and so if they encountered the same situation or person they’d be tempted again.

What this does is make put your partner at the mercy of their desires. Like they’re a plastic bag in a hurricane, susceptible to the whims of any sexual advances that come their way, thus threatening your relationship.

By acknowledging that your partner chose to do whatever means they are fully autonomous people just like you, that made decisions for whatever reason. They are people, again, just like you. Not some sex robot that sells to the highest bidder (which is what a lot of you fear).

Your partner deserves the same agency and respect you give yourself

The common hypocrisy I see on this sub from guys especially is that they never, NEVER hold themselves to the same standard they hold their gfs. When they have sex with people, it’s just their life experience. But when their partners have a sexual past, it’s somehow an indictment of their agency, morals and character.

But they’ll hide behind narratives such as ‘Well it’s easier for women to have access to sex etc’

This is thinly veiled misogyny and it’s at the heart of many people’s RJ (including myself when I first struggled with it).

So next time..

… you find yourself asking why she did this, or they he did that and where they doing with xyz the answer is always the same.

They wanted to (and it’s none of my business)

One of biggest perspective shifts I’ve had on my journey through RJ is the relationship I have with the intrusive thoughts.

From my many interactions with people in this sub no matter what ‘type’ of RJ you have the one thing that everyone has in common..

It is the thoughts of the past that harm us not the past itself.

RJ only exists in our minds. The past is intangible, it cannot be touched, shaped or influenced by us in anyway. But that is what we are constant trying to do in our minds.

To elaborate on the sentence in bold, it is our FEAR of the intrusive thought that triggers the physiological and emotional symptoms we feel. The anxiety, the sleepless nights, the stress.

This is because we’ve conditioned our minds to fear these thoughts and so minds treat them as a threat. The same way it would treat a shark or someone attacking you at knife point.

It’s our fear of the thought that trigger the rumination cycles we fall into. And we all know how hellish rumination is right? So I want to try and explain this in a way that is easier to understand. I want you to think of something you have a phobia of. In my example I’m going to use the most common phobia…

Imagine your RJ/Intrusive thoughts as Spider in your room

I want to insert this a few caveats here:

The spider isn’t venomous or harmful to humans

If you kill the spider it respawns the next day.

Now if you are terrified of spiders, the thoughts of having one in your room is deeply unsettling. You’re not always gonna see it. It could be hiding somewhere, it could be on your wall.

You could try and kill it every time. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes you have to move a bunch of furniture around to try and kill it. But doing that will often distract from whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing. You could spend half a day trying to find this spider.

But then when you do find it, and kill it. It will only respawn the next day.

Sound familiar right?

Because this is what we do with our RJ thoughts. We throw so much mental resource at the thought by ruminating and trying to ‘move the furniture’ to kill a thought (spider) that’s only going to respawn again. And again. And again. In trying to kill the spider we are engaging with it. Thus keeping it important in my mind, amplifying its presence.

Yeah we might get temporary relief but we know it going to come back. And we live in fear of that each time.

This is how RJ works in our minds. We live in fear of the intrusive thoughts and so our minds make hyper vigilant towards them. So when they appear all our attention and focus goes towards ‘killing the spider’

This is engagement which is what we don’t want to do.

So what do we do now? Knowing that the spider is always going to be there no matter how many times we kill it?

We change our relationship with the spider

Now as I mentioned earlier, the spider is harmless. We’re just conditioned to fear it. Now imagine there was some sort of button you could press to turn off your fear of spiders.

You’d be perfectly ok with the spider being in your room. You could notice it on your wall and it wouldn’t trigger anything. No panic, no fear. You won’t spend time trying to kill it. You’d just go back to whatever you’re doing.

This is the ideal relationship you want with your RJ thoughts.

You want to able to observe the thought (spider) without it triggering anything and investing any more mental resource than is necessary.

The hard part

Unfortunately there is no magic off button. We can’t switch off our fears just like that but we can train ourselves slowly over time.

Holding a spider 5 mins day in your palm would be absolutely terrifying at first (I couldn’t do it lol) but over time, your body will eventually see it as harmless and stop registering it as a threat.

So it’s the same with RJ. But how do we expose ourselves without harm?

Firstly, you as an individual have to really dig deep and understand why your mind see’s these thoughts as a threat. Keep asking what and why. Why does this thought bother me? What values does this thought go against. Is it worth me holding onto these values? What does this thought say about me? Does it mean he/she is better than me? Why do I believe that?

This is to done during the calmer moments outside the spike not during.

Write it down if you need to. This is key in understanding why we fear the thought/spider.

Secondly, observe the thought but don’t engage.

This has by far been my most useful tool.

When an intuitive thought it hits I do a number of things in this order:

- I pause and do the physiological sigh (breathing technique that slows heart rate

- I say out loud ‘this is an RJ thought, you don’t have to engage with this. (Do not underestimate the power of saying things out loud)

- my mind will try drag into rumination so I’ll keep repeating the above point until I’m back to what ever it is I’m doing. Do something physical if you need (I’m boxer so I shadow box for a minute of two).

- get back to whatever it is you’re doing.

Repeating these behaviours over time will allow you to be able observe the thought without fearing it and engaging with it.

Just like you could observe the spider with being triggered and engaging with it.

This is the best way I can describe my RJ recovery. Training myself not to fear my RJ thoughts rather than trying to eliminate them. I can’t do that.

But by reducing my fear of them my mind files them where they belong, as background noise.

Just like the spider, the thought can just chill in my room without me giving it a second glance.

The spider is still there but I can still live my life

I hope this helps.



Think about the person or people fixate upon when going through RJ. What emotions come up.

Loathing, hatred, anger, jealousy etc

We view this person/these people with nothing but negative emotion. People who for the most part don’t even know you or even know you exist.

Yet you likely spend a huge amount of your mental space fixated on these people.

Your nervous system treats them as threat and so we antagonise them because in our minds they’ve wronged us somehow. They’ve taken something you feel belongs to you.

But the reality is, these people are not your enemy. They are just people who go about their lives day to day having experiences same as you.

Think of it this way. It’s kind of crazy to be fixated one someone that doesn’t even think about you at all. They don’t even know who you are.

This is probs one of the hardest things to do but shifting the way you think about these people will switch the way your nervous system treats them.

You don’t have to admire them you just have to neutralise who they are in your mind.

Holding on to the antagonistic mindset would only ever fuel RJ even more.

I decided along time ago that I’m not going to give my energy to someone that doesn’t even know I exist.

Try it

As guys, we tend to feel enormous pressure going on date. It can feel sometimes like one false move and it all implodes. Or you try and act in way that’s totally unnatural because you’ve watched some dumb YouTube videos on ‘female nature.’

Sometimes we often forget that we want to have a good time too and spend the whole date pandering to the woman we’re out with, trying to force a connection.

I made this mistake a lot of times over the years until it clicked one day.

Focus on you having a good time!

Thats it.

You’d be surprised how many guys go on dates without even a thought of them having a good time themselves. They have the mindset, if I make her have a good time then she’ll like me etc etc. the same guys always end up wondering what went wrong. They insist there was a connection but are shocked to see the text saying there wasn’t a spark etc.

The reason being is because you neglected yourself on the date and women see that.

In pandering to your date and trying so hard to make sure she has a good time you shut off the authentic version of you. When they say they feel no spark it’s because they didn’t see anything tangible to connect with.

This happened to me sometimes but I always seemed to have more success with women I was that interested in.

I finally understood why.

With the women I wasn’t as interested in genuinely went on dates to have a good time myself. I didn’t automatically assume the person I was with was the most amazing person ever. I genuinely assessed is this person worth my time. Am I having fun here? Is being in this persons company a good experience.

In doing so it enables me to be my authentic self. No act. No pandering. No putting them on pedestal.
It gives them a chance to see who you really are as well and that in turn enables them to feel safe around you.

Once I realised this, things started shifting for me big time. Before my current gf I wasn’t even nervous before dates anymore.

Not because I didn’t care. But because I always went in with a level head and knew i wasn’t going to neglect myself and go on the date for me to have a good time.

I saw quickly saw that some of the women I dated were perfectly nice but boring. Before I would have still tried to force something. But now I could look and say ‘she was nice but I didn’t have that good a time with her. Best we move on.’

So next time you go on date. Go to have a good time yourself. Don’t make it all about her. And you’ll see how much more at ease you will be out there.

Hope this helps

For context. My gf didn’t pay her water bill for six months and it got to the point where they had to turn her water off.

I had to bail her out and call the water company and pay $600

Now bear in mind I’ve had a shitload of expenses happen over the last 3 months. (Buried my grandma in another country, as well as weddings in other countries too).

I really wanted to financially recover and let my money breath for a while. Bailing her out displaced me. I’ve had to cut back and resign to just chilling this month because I want to conserve money.

She then goes to tell me she’s going to yacht party and sent me the flyer. $150 per person.

Like how is that even justified when you owe me money and I’m having to cut back myself yet you got $150 for a yacht party.

I’m feel super annoyed by this considering how much I pay for in our relationship.

AIO?

I’ve just finished a novella that originally started off as a short story set in a if fictional world I’ve been building.

My aim was to bring to world to life through a collection of short stories (of which I have a few).

It’s a fantasy setting I’ve been working on for years.

My issue is I don’t know how to play this out.

My initial thought was to just publish the novella and short stories on my Substack and just keep bringing the world to life through that.

Until the time where I feel ready to write a full on novel which I can try and get trad published.

But I’m wondering if there are better avenues to take.

Do I try and get the novella trad published?

Do I self publish the novella in physical form?

I’d love some advice on this.

The common stereotype with people that have ADHD is that we are disorganised. On the surface it may very well seem that way.

But when you look deeper into it a different mechanic is at play. Many people seem to be able to outsource their organisation. They keep diaries, schedules, routines, reminders, calendars. This enables them to conserve a huge chunk of cognitive resource for other things.

With us folk that ability the outsource is the heart of the problem. All our scheduling, time tables, tasks, appointments, meetings, reminders stay in our heads. The sheer effort of keeping all of that up to takes huge amount of cognitive resource. Is it any wonder we get so exhausted doing the most mundane things.

Our mental capacities are being stretched fully because we can’t offload anything.

I can’t keep diary or schedule for the life of me. Everything in my life I need to do is in my head. I’m actually not bad at keeping appointments and dates because I keep things minimal for the most part. But man is it exhausting.

TL;DR GF (34F) didn’t pay water bill for six months and I’ve had to bail her out. It’s inconvenienced me financially and it could have easily been avoided.

My gf and I are long distance. She has two kids. She has a lot on her plate but sometimes she’s not the best with organisation.

She had a higher than unusual high water bill because she had a leak in the sink. This was due in December. In excess of $1000.

They turned her water off and so she called me in a crisis asking me to loan her the money.

I called the company myself and managed to get the payment down by half, the rest is paid off with a payment plan.

I loaned her the money because it was an emergency.

What’s annoying me is the fact that I’ve had a lot of financial outgoings myself, had to travel to another country to bury my grandmother, had a friends wedding in another country and bachelor party in yet another country. All the space of two months. Financially my ass has been kicked and I was hoping to recover this month by laying low and letting my money breath.

But then this comes along and I felt backed into a corner. I couldn’t leave her and the kids with no water but at the same time, this very easily could have been avoided if she hadn’t ignored the letters or taken a pro active approach to this. 6 months of not paying a bill to the point where your water gets turned off is just downright irresponsible.

On one hand I’m glad to help her and the kids but on the other I’m really bothered that this crisis could have easily been avoided and I’m the one who is inconvenienced because of it.

On top of that there doesn’t seem to be much accountability there either. I can’t help shift the feeling that she feels entitled to this payment.

I’ve been amateur coaching for going on 4 years now. It amazes me still how many boxers don’t utilise their jab their way they should in amateur boxing.

One our boys was fighting today, he has a good record but all of his bouts end up being close split decisions. For the longest time, I’ve been telling him it’s because he’s not scoring points with his jab. It finally clicked today and he got a uninamous decisions in a very tough bout. The difference being, his jab!

Amateur boxing is all about scoring points. Too many lads go in with the intention of landing hard killer shots and will often opt for big looping hooks or lunging rear hands, getting into scrappy exchanges. This makes it very hard for judges to award the exchange as they could go either way.

However I drilled it into him that he needs to throw his jab in volume in between those exchanges. Jab high, jab low. Score points.

The jab is the easiest punch to score with

It’s a no brainer. All punches score the same. The uppercut, the straight rear hand, the jab. All score the same. So with the jab being the easiest to score with. That should by far be the most used punch.

Jabbing in volume in between exchange is gives you distance in the scorecards from your opponent. This isn’t pro boxing where you’re looking to put a bit of power in your jab.

The jab should be fast and furious. Double, triple, quadruple. A jab to the body is the one of the cleanest shots to land, it’s so easy for the judges to score that. Yet I hardly see it in most amateur bouts.

Use the other punches effectively

Sitting behind a high volume jab allows you to control distance and tempo. You give your opponent an obstacle they have to work past, making their movements readable so you can time the more powerful shots rather than just flinging them out aimlessly (which often leaves you out of position and exposed).

Get drilling

In your shadow boxing, you should be throwing at least 3 jabs from different head positions before letting your combinations fly. The focus should on managing distance and having the rear hand parry ready.

When they say you can win an amateur bout with just the jab they really do mean it.

Stop trying to score highlight reel knockouts and start working the system to your advantage.