u/TA_reddit_0

I have so many classmates who are ignorant about my race and ethnicity. To them, I’m a “terrorist”. Many times I’ve had people speak about me as if I am one, by spreading rumors and misrepresenting what I say, do, and how I behave. I’m told as a justification to change myself because it’s up to others how they interpret me but what do I do when that interpretation is through a lens of bigotry and malicious intent? I feel so disheartened because it doesn’t just come from white people, it comes from black and brown people too. I’m the “bad” kind of brown and they are the “good ones”. I’m the “terrorist” and they are the “heroes” after they support genocide, war crimes, and more heinous acts. And the worst part is the audacity, they are so ignorant they don’t know history, the news - they watch their propaganda, call themselves informed but can’t even point their “enemy” country on the map. They can’t spell and pronounce my name either. Any criticism of Western society and politics is labeled propaganda from a “terrorist” organization. People here are vile. They treat me like I’m uncivilized but it is them who is uncivilized. They’re violent. I feel like I’m going insane. People want to murder my folks in masses, displace us, destroy our home country, steal our resources and land, and deprive us of our lives and rights. But I’m the threat? I’m the dangerous, evil one? I get ostracized and bullied in my cohort because of their bigotry and ignorance.

I’m so tired of being demonized and dehumanized. Westerners don’t know how to function without creating a made up underclass in their bs hierarchies to oppress. I’m apparently not worthy and deserving enough of life, my civil rights, to be treated equal, and more. To them, I’m less human than they are, less deserving and worthy of life and the every day things they take for granted but seek to deprive me of. I’m sick of Western hypocrisy. Western society to me is no different from Nazi Germany.

I’ve experienced so much racism, sexism, and islamophobia from my cohort, professors, and those higher up the organizational hierarchy. I’m a “safe” target for people to displace all their hate and violence. What I’ve experienced is violence - it doesn’t have to be physical. It’s mental, emotional, psychological, and yes, relational, career-wise, and financial too. I know this because I noticed the double standards: if it were any other peer or colleague in my program who was treated the way I am, it would be grounds for a lawsuit and identified to be discrimination.

I’ve had the most vile things said and done to me in this program. I’m not allowed to stand up for myself or even practice my rights because I’m retaliated against and made out to be the aggressor. And well this country has also rolled back on many initiatives to prevent this type of discrimination and to give victims means to address this. The role reversals I experienced were racist and islamophobic because they try to paint me like I’m some aggressive, dangerous “terrorist” when I’m the one who is being victimized.

One example I can recall vividly is how a peer premeditatedly recorded me for a project without my knowledge. He wouldn’t contribute anything and made me do the whole project by myself on Father’s Day. He rubbed this in my face when he knew my dad was visiting his extended family in his birth country that’s under bombardment. I didn’t get to call my dad, to see if he was okay. I was in the dark if he was even alive and if he would be able to return. My partner intentionally was trying to antagonize me to get a reaction so he could use it as blackmail and “proof”. He got what he wanted, and even manipulated the recordings to try to construct a false narrative. When I told my professor about how he didn’t contribute, she also blackmailed me. She told me she would either give me a 0, which would fail me out of my program and put me in debt as an out of state student (my partner was local so it wouldn’t have impacted him as much), Or that she would grade it as is and give us both credit even though my partner didn’t contribute. She escalated it to the director, and the director sided with my partner and was coercing me into accepting all fault, apologizing to my partner, and giving him full credit. They were trying to make me out to be the aggressor, and coercing me into admission that I am the aggressor. They got what they wanted. The racism and Islamophobia did not escape me, as a brown middle eastern woman, they painted me as some dangerous “terrorist” and cry bully.

Because of the professor and director, other peers in my program started treating me the same way. People would put words in my mouth to try to mischaracterize me in false portrayals. This was crazy making - I had peers claim I said stuff I didn’t, and engage with me as if I said something I didn’t, and professors actually co-signed this. I’ve also had professors act so dishonest and disrespectfully during my presentations where they would misrepresent what I presented and communicated explicitly and clearly. I had peers do the same where during simulations they falsely made up narratives claiming I said and did stuff I didn’t. My own peers would take advantage of me, take credit for my work, and also discredit me as if I’m stupid, did nothing, or was completely wrong. Many times I would be unfairly criticized (they would actually make up stuff that didn’t happen to criticize - this was intense gaslighting). Several peers would make me do their share of work for projects and discredit my contributions, claiming I did nothing (when I did most if not all of their share) and they would claim credit for everything by presenting my work as their own. The portions I presented (the stuff they didn’t complete or half-assed) would be heavily criticized, while the stuff they presented (what I completed) would be complimented. I’ve had peers note their name on my portions of the work I completed to make it seem they did it, to coerce me into doing their share that wasn’t completed. I’ve had peers try to shove me down the stairs. Professors and peers who didn’t give a fuck about me and would either give me dirty looks, eye rolls, sighs, and contempt for even daring to collaborate on projects/assignments. They’d also contradict themselves saying I took “too long” or am “doing too much”.

They also mock lgbt folks in Muslim family systems who are afraid to come out. There was this one project where we had to compile resources for a fake lgbt Muslim patient and my god it was a clearly a bunch of bs microaggressions repackaged as “diversity” and “inclusion”. It was so out of touch with the realities lgbt folks in Muslim families experience and also out of touch with Muslim families. It was actually insulting. I’m only supposed to nod my head and accept this “education” and co-sign their ignorance.

I feel so disgusted in this institution because of how blatantly discriminatory it has been towards me and people who share my identity. They use people who share my identity as a token poster-child where they can pretend they are making efforts to be inclusive and diverse but I will always remember the vile discrimination and hate I’ve been subjected to. The constant undermining, sabotage, and exploitation whilst also blocking opportunities, withholding info, and acting discrepantly biased against me… I’ve had people tell me I am “so lucky” to be here, and that I’m taking spots from poor white people. It’s not enough for them that my people are being massacred, I’m apparently “ungrateful” and “undeserving” and only deserve to be living in a tent in a concentration camp with no academic, career/financial, and social prospects. That in itself is racist. Because it infuriates them when my people express joy, are successful, or do well in life - they do not want my people to do well. They only want me and my people to suffer and be miserable. Oh I’m “falling behind” and not doing as well as my peers? It’s almost like it’s by design. Kinda hard to do well and not allow bullying to affect my performance when it’s also coming from people with authority and power.

Even on the day of my graduation, the professor couldn’t be bothered to say my name correctly. I have a small cohort. I’ve interacted with this professor multiple times throughout the program. They know and recognize my name and how to pronounce it. They said it incorrectly intentionally, so my loved ones who attended the ceremony wouldn’t recognize it, and that it wouldn’t be associated with honors.

I’m so sick and tired of blatant discrimination that’s just hidden away with plausible deniability and gaslighting. No one in my cohort would accept being treated the way I was, and if it were any other person treated like this, it would be taken seriously. People actually avoided making eye contact and interacting with me after the ceremony, when before that they were all fake-friendly and wanted to take pictures. Only 1 person in the cohort wanted to take pictures and talk with me, and was inclusive.

I’m exhausted because every new beginning in life, I come across new people and they usually end up resorting to the same antics: relational aggression and positioning, exclusion, and gossiping to portray people in a certain way.

Within the first 2 weeks NT people resort to these tactics to secure social acceptance or friends/acquaintances. I’m aware of what they do, but people think I didn’t catch the memo that I’m not welcome or not wanted/needed.

My cohort thinks I’m not aware I’m socially excluded and being bullied. They make plans with each other behind my back, and in front of me, and some will act like they don’t hang out outside of class/clinicals. Some act nice to my face but I definitely know they shit talk about me (despite being ignorant and not really knowing anything, they spread rumors and believe it). They accuse me of being distant and closed off, which isn’t true. I think this is the narrative they use to avoid the fact they are intentionally exclusive. I get made fun of a lot for being “ugly” so I know this is a big factor. In one instance, during the first 2 weeks, a group I was sitting with at a table was making plans to go out and eat at a diner. None were close, all were acquaintances. I chimed in with a suggestion and they just glared and gave me silence like “how dare you think you’re welcome or invited”. They made plans in front of me and I wasn’t invited (ouch).

I also get tons of disrespect from mean girls (and boys). They’re popular and socially liked despite not being good people and being really nasty/mean spirited. Several of them went out of their way to sabotage me, one claiming I was doing “nothing” when the only thing she did was take vital signs during a simulation (I ended up calling the provider, cardioverting etc, so no I wasn’t “doing nothing”). This person has been really mean and nasty to me for no reason and she makes so many jabs to portray me as someone who isn’t cut out for nursing.

At the start of the program, I mentioned I had NICU experience as a volunteer, because someone asked about my background experience. Next thing I know, most of the women in my cohort are aiming to be NICU nurses despite them saying they had other unrelated interests/goals and no exposure.

Is it just me, or are these people really nasty, competitive jealous spirits? I feel like I’m used as a benchmark at the start, but as time progresses I’m torn to shreds and I’m positioned “at the bottom” of the social ladder. It has impacted my performance too because now I’m full of self doubt and I’ve lost focus and motivation. The worst part is how they’re now saying I’m a terrible evil person who’s insecure and jealous of them, and would ruin their life if I was allowed in it. It’s such a projection.

The crazy part is this is all “normal”. This is how they usually are, and everyone wants to pretend it’s not happening, no such thing happened, that it’s not that serious, or that I’m the problem.

I don’t know how to build and keep allies within the first 2 weeks. I think I missed the boat, or that I tried to connect but it didn’t work and I got sidelined by more aggressive, mean-girl personalities.

My parents have terrible conversational skills and I think their social and emotional ineptness has rubbed off on me, because that was the primary engagement I had in my life growing up. Now, I’m this dysfunctional being that doesn’t know how to engage and connect with people because my own parents didn’t do that with me. My parents are disconnected, and now I am too.

Whenever I try to talk to my parents, the conversations are very repetitive, dry, and banal. It’s like pulling teeth, and I find each interaction painful. They talk about unrelated stuff that’s completely irrelevant or off topic to what I’m talking about. Most of the time they aren’t paying attention to what I’m saying, and later prove they weren’t because they don’t comprehend, understand, or even know what I was talking about. They confabulate a lot of stuff claiming it was what I communicated. When I try to point out there was a misunderstanding, they get so defensive, and insist they understood what I said (but they don’t, they cling to their misunderstanding very stubbornly).

So often I feel like I’m talking to children. I don’t know if it’s age related, early signs of dementia, I suspect it is. But they’ve been this way majority of my life even in childhood.

I honestly feel like giving up having any relationship with my parents because it’s so bad, I just don’t see the point in it. It doesn’t help that my parents won’t sort out their own issues, refuse to see a therapist and doctor, so their kids are forced to live with the trauma they inflict the duration of their life until they drop dead.

Even my relationship with my siblings is shit. Everyone is disconnected from each other. My entire family is fragmented and my parents don’t even see their role in it. It’s so bad that if a family member died, no one would grieve because there was no connection built in the first place. Everyone is so distant and impersonal.

I had terrible (traumatic) experiences with men, but I’m talking about women right now.

I wish I got to experience girlhood and women supporting women, but I haven’t and I don’t think I ever will. Majority of my bullies (“friends” and acquaintances) have been women/girls who were also buddies with the men/boys who would bully me. So often women spread rumors about me to plant ideas in other people’s heads, and I would actually be harmed in the process because of those rumors. I’d go from being initially liked to shunned in 2 weeks all because a few women want to assert social dominance to monopolize social support & connections, and establish group cohesion by othering and socially undermining me. And other women would join in. I hate these social games and dynamics. I know people will say stuff like women/girls can’t be as awful as men, but in my experience women have conspired to do harm to me the same ways men have. And many times these women were successful and faced no repercussions. Like men, they were also rewarded for it. I really wish people would stop saying women are better than men, because that hasn’t been my experience. They are the same.

Girlhood and women supporting women seems to only be reserved for a select criteria of women. I mean there’s hardly girlhood and women supporting women when it comes to women who are isolated and abused. I noticed women with the least support and most vulnerable are harmed by women too. It’s women who win social desirability politics who are protected & supported. But when it’s a woman who is “ugly”, “awkward”, “shy”, “anxious”, a “loner” women will spread terrible rumors to further ostracize them and to justify their irrational hate and bias.

“I don’t know anything about this person. I just don’t like them because they’re ugly, cringe, whatever, so I’m going to spread rumors to make them out to be evil so everyone hates them with me and I can feel justified in my hate”. - NT

I think what’s the most absurd part in all of this is that I have pro-social behaviors from childhood that are now seen as ND or autism coded. But extremely antisocial behaviors are NT coded. Deception, manipulation, sabotage, bullying, passive aggressiveness is “normal” but transparency and authenticity is ND coded. Social media is used to manufacture false authenticity too - because why do I see the worst people I know preaching about prosocial behaviors and how authentic they are? These are the same people who think I’m stupid and naive for engaging in prosocial behaviors even when I’m aware of their tactics. They mock me for it, but will humble brag on media to portray a likable image. The worst part is how they genuinely believe they are entitled to treat me and others like shit because they won’t be held accountable and won’t face any consequences. They are so often smug and proud.