I cannot tell if I should F25 continue build a connection with M27 him or keep him at arms length?
His birthday is coming up this Sunday, this will mark TWO YEARS I've known him. In that time a lot has happened. He's Dutch, I'm American. We met when he vacationed in Guam while I was living there.
Upon meeting we hit it off exceptionally fast! He would visit me at work and I'd give him free coffees.
When he left, he tried very hard to stay in touch for two years, but I always cut things short.
I ended up visiting him in Netherlands for a few days and holy shit so much happened. We both got incredibly vulnerable, he took time off work to see me, we ventured around Netherlands, he held me when I had a mental breakdown LOL, and I after I left we continued talking and sending memes until I shut things down.
He is a bit immature im not going to lie. He doesn't always take things seriously, he doesn't really have a sense of purpose in his life, he is fearful avoidance, struggles with self esteem, and he loves novelty (which means with his women too). We have this choatic playful dynamic where we have nothing but fun together. Which irriatates me because we could be talking about a blue sky but because of our chemistry things always get intimate and I don't like that. I asked him if we could get to a point where he could see me as a friend to which he said "no but i do like talking to you". He has a big heart though.
I felt so overwhelmed that other day I told him talking to him makes me insecure but he is special to me but I needed to just coexist with him rather than immerse myself in daily conversation.
He forgives me every time I accidentally hurt him and I have never apologized. for his birthday I want to say something along these lines,
"Happy birthday! I’m sorry I’m insane and mean to you sometimes. I know you already have it hard being born under the WORST zodiac sign. Thank you for always being gentle and forgiving. I’m so grateful to know you. I hope this year brings you a lot of what you want <3".
I have a hard time seeing things for what they are. I don’t know if he sort of just uses me or genuinely enjoys me. Now the question is to send it or let things go...?
All I know if that when I’m with him I feel like I made a real friend in him, but when apart we are both a bit ambiguous.