u/blueberries-Any-kind

I think it's time for me to donate all of the baby clothes. I have decided to apply for graduate school this year, and I can't imagine using the clothes for our next baby if we ever try again. They are unworn, many still on the hangers.

I live in a country with a lot of refugees and I would like to give them to a mother who needs them. know there are many. I just want them to bring joy to someone like they did for me. I have an entire suitcase full of them. I could give them to a charity shop but I just can't imagine not knowing who they are going to. I feel selfish saying that, but I want to make someone happy. I am also worried about them being sold for profit after donation, which is very much something that happens in our country as there is a lot of corruption.

Is it wrong for me to pick one person to give them to simply because I want to feel happy about gifting them? about making someone happy and giving them relief? I dont want my privilege to get in the way here.. I also dont know how I would feel taking clothes meant for a baby that didn't survive. I know if I were pregnant I wouldn't like that feeling. I dont want to burden a pregnant woman with my story, but I also can't stand thinking about anonymously dropping them off at charity shop.

I want to post on Facebook about it, but I dont know how to explain why I have a giant pile of free unworn baby clothes—and forbidding resale? It sounds insane.

I know that no one can tell me what to do here, but I just feel super lost. Has anyone else felt like this while being abroad permanently? What would you pick in my shoes?

Background: I was moved around extensively as a teenager. I have lived in six different states, and four different countries. This started around the age of 14 and extended into my 20’s. I love all of the adventures that I have had, but now I feel completely untethered and I am almost 35. I am not a shy person (or at least didn’t used to be), and I do have friends, but I am still so lonely. 

I work hard at developing friendships, and I go through spurts of being in friend groups that last a few years, and then it dissipates, usually due to people moving. 

Currently: I live in Athens, Greece, with my husband and our puppy. We have an incredible house with a backyard and a pool, in one of the most desirable areas in the country. I absolutely love Athens–the beach, the weather, the food, and many aspects of the culture. It genuinely feels like home. But still.. I feel so lonely. I am not unhappy per se, I like my life, but I feel alone. I text and FT with friends and family, but I really crave conversations with people in person.

I made a group of close friends here, and that lasted two years and was lovely. Then they all moved. Literally, ALL of them. Even the Greek ones! Now I am finding myself daily asking if I should move back to America. I keep concluding that I want to stay, and then something triggers me back into hinking maybe I should move back to America. Note, I previously felt this way living in another country, moved back to America, and regretted it.

My brains arguments for going back: 

• Being able to get a mortgage to finally buy a home. 
• Doing a different job instead of continuing to build our family business.
• Being close to family and old friends
• Being able to go to a good gym again
• Being able to park easily (is that one even real?)
• Cute brick downtowns
• Speaking English again
• Miss my aging father a lot

Arguments against going back: 

• Food quality
• Health care quality and expense
• Expensive housing
• Won't be able to afford a pool or maybe even a backyard
• My family all hates each other, and my in-laws sort of suck. My family hasn't even gathered together in 10 years, and on one speaks to one another.
• Can’t afford the cities I really want to live in
• Don’t have any family or friends in the cities I want to live in
• Family and friends live in expensive places that I will struggle in, and I don't want to live in those places, but would for the people.
• Could move back to home town and afford it, but very high cancer rates, and tons of traumatic memories.
• My family is split between literally all 4 sides of the US, and friends are even worse, even spread across different countries than the US, so I have no idea which place I would even choose.
• I am applying for grad school in the UK this year (part time in person that I could easily commute from Athens to). While I could switch to US applications, I'm already down this path and looking forward to it.
• The US news breaks my heart constantly.

The plan was that I was going to start my own family and build the family/community I wanted. So we got pregnant, and it ended in a still birth. It turns out I have some serious reproductive issues that will make it difficult to carry a pregnancy. The whole thing has just made me feel so…alone.. and like the future I was going to MAKE isn't actually what I thought it would be. I am almost 35, so I have some time to figure this out, but not a lot. Please internet strangers, tell me what to do with my life lol.

Edit: I am in therapy, but expats/immigrants are kind of the only ones who really understand expat life and wondering about others view points.

This is a little bit of a vent because why do people do this, and also how are y’all finding writing groups that are actually serious about writing? I am trying to get ready to apply for grad school this winter, and I joined a paid class thinking the workshop attendance would be better than the self organized ones I've been in this year.

But no...people still disappear? It always seems to be right after their work has been workshopped and I kind of cant believe it. Do I just have bad luck or is this common place?

After the most recent workshop I couldn’t really believe how little attendance there was by the last week! The instructor was fantastic, and we were doing writing exercises, lectures, and light readings on top of workshop. I really enjoyed it.

There were a total of 4.5 people in the class by the last session, and we started with 12. I say 4.5 because one member shut off their camera for the rest of the meeting after their piece had been talked through, not offering any feedback to the rest of us. I felt ridiculous for giving everyone so much of my time and energy when I got a TOTAL of three people's feedback.

The group was a range of writers from beginners to published authors (most helpful classmate), to self published authors, and others who had finished their MFA’s already. My (in person) writing group has been pretty much the same.. 25 people joined, about 5 people actually submitted work, and only one person gave me feedback on my work and we've been at this for four months.

I know my work needs critique, that’s why I am in the groups—but it is readable! And even if it wasn't, that’s why we’re in the groups! I am feeling rather down about it all as I am craving artistic community so badly.

I was thinking about the Common Wealth short story prize controversy this year over Ai usage. While they ultimately stood behind the authors work as original, it was still flagged as Ai by many checkers (apparently).

it just has me wondering how academia deals with this in the application process. I decided to run one of my stories through an AI checker (although it's not even remotely Ai), and it was flagged as Ai. it even listed the exact reasoning (apparently the relationship between two characters raised the flag). Then I ran it through another checker that said it was fully human written. I have many fears of the reasons I may not be accepted to grad school, and the latest one is being disqualified due to Ai flagging my work as Ai when it isn't Ai.

also I know even posting this makes it appear as if I am someone who uaes Ai, but I'm not. I would equate this fear to something like the common fear of being sure that the stolen merchandise detectors are going to go off when you walk out of a store even though you didn't steal anything. I truly I believe in "what would the point of creative writing be if you're using Ai" and yadda yadda.

I have noticed that in my relationship with my husband, I nearly always say "should we" or "maybe it would be" instead of saying "I want".

For example, when we take our dog out to the park, and I want to take her off the leash I say "should we take her off the leash?" instead of "I want to take her off the leash now".

Or today, I was at a cafe in the city center finishing up some work. We had plans to go somewhere and I was down the street from where he was. Instead of saying, "Could you to pick me up from here so I can finish my work", I made some long blithering text being like "maybe it would easiest if you picked me up from here because I need to finish my work blah blah blah". It's really an annoying dynamic that seems to be slowly eroding my sense of agency. It's so ingrained in me that I dont even realize I am doing it until I have done it!

Another maybe more normal example would be, "should we make XYZ for dinner?" instead of saying something like "I'd like to eat XYZ for dinner, what do you think?".

TLDR: It's driving me crazy because I am softening my words and EVERYTHING that comes out my mouth is a question of permission instead of a statement of my desires.

This year a friend of a friend let us stay in his apartment for a normal rent price for 2 months while he lives abroad.

We took really good care of the place, and he was happy with it when we returned it. Today (four months later) he sent us the bills and it came out to 500 euros! Part of it is that he wants us to pay for the electricity bill from a month before we moved in because the company "adds a fee and he can't figure out how to prorate it".

But the bigger charge is from an elevator repair in one month. It feels a little unfair for me because we were never planning to live there full time. It was always a temporary situation while our apartment went through repairs.

We are foreigners, and in our country something like this would be paid for by the owner of the apartment because it is a repair they will use in the long term, but I recognize this may not be the same everywhere. I'd like to know what is the usual situation here in Greece for who would pay for it?

I have a job, and it's fine. I run my own business with my husband and we do well enough to exist. Life was batshit insane for most of my life, and I've had about 6 years of relative goodness (minus a tragedy), and basically I'm ready to go to graduate school.

I have wanted to go to graduate school since I was in kindergarten, literally. I think the idea came from my parents originally so that complicates things possibly, but also possibly not. I come from a seriously academic family, and I guess there's also part of me that feels like I won't truly be part of the family unless I pursue higher education like this.

All that being said, I also just REALLY want to. I do emotionally well being involved in programs, and I like it a lot. And, this route of graduate school is a very natural route for anyone who is interested in what I am interested in.

I am at a place in my life where I can make grad school work, and so I have been taking baby steps to applying for about 1.5 years now. I am older, 34, but I am really passionate about what I want to go to school for. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to live a life that allowed me to pursue it that much, even though I have really high marks in all of the courses I've taken in it.

So I've signed up for elective courses, seminars, and groups over the last few years to supplement my lacking resume (and to learn more). But, each time I engage with these groups and try to share myself, I am literally SHAKING with anxiety and excitement. When I sit down to write my personal statement/statement of purpose for grad school, I start to shake.

I keep going to my groups, and I am proud of myself for that, but It's really uncomfortable. It's also not getting better after YEARS. I end up not being able to contribute to the conversations in a way that I would like to, and I just want to be able to focus and not become a shaking mess.

I assume it's probably because I am trying to fulfill a lifelong dream, but the mindfulness doesn't change the reality. I end up feeling like I say something dumb or awkward or both half the time, which isn't great for meeting colleagues or networking.

Has anyone else been through this? any insight?

This question came up while talking with my husband a few weeks ago.

Backstory:

We had a still birth this year and live far away from family. In the early weeks after it happened we survived off of delivery from one particular restaurant. We live in Greece and we got Gemista every day (baked tomato and pepper stuffed with rice, potatoes on the side). it was literally our lifeline for about a month as we didn't have the strength to cook

The experience made me remember being on the other side of this (maybe). I am from a small town in the Midwest and when I was 19, I delivered for a dirt cheap pizza place. Every few weeks I would deliver food to a younger guy. His order was bread sticks and free dipping sauces, our cheapest item. His apartment living room only had a TV on the ground and a single armchair. The place was clean but he was clearly not doing great. Fifteen years later I still wonder about him.

I was thinking about all of this the other day, and I felt so struck by the idea that restaurants never actually know how they are there for someone. I mean I felt so grateful for this restaurant that I nearly wanted to write them a letter, and it made me curious about other people's stories too. I'd really love to hear yours.

i have been abroad for three years. this is my fourth time living abroad, and also my longest. it's not in a country I ever thought I'd live, but my husband's family is from here so we decided to try it out. it was only supposed to be a year, but here we are now very settled. my husband's family are almost all in the US now but totally spread out across the coasts.

I am getting dissatisfied with life here--all the typical hard things ppl don't like about living here are weighing on me--but I really don't want to go back to America as the trade off doesn't seem worth it. I also don't want to live anywhere near where my family lives in the US so moving back seems pointless--i might as well be living abroad if i'd have to spend like $700 for flights to see them from across the country.

I feel like I'm going a little crazy. part of me feels like I'll never be satisfied anywhere ---but the truth is that I've been very happy in other places at other times in my life. I'm just not sure what to do. I also do miss family but we were also very abused and since have a very fractured and unhealthy family. mostly I only talk to my dad out of a family of 7.. and again I hate where he lives (extremely expensive and depressing). im just not sure what to do, and i'd like to hear about other people journeys

edit-- I have a therapist but looking for a new one. I have done 15 years of therapy due to my past abuse that helped a lot but this isn't exactly about myself being here. For example it's things like calling my landlord nearly daily to fix my literally non functioning shower for two months due to a disfunctioning system. not having a proper sanitary gym to go to, or dealing with smog and getting stuck in elevators 3x this year alone, or my neighbors physically abusing their dogs with no one to call to report them. this stuff just exhausts me. I've lived in a thirdworld country before (which this place isn't) so I was prepared in that sense.

Είμαι αλλοδαπή παντρεμένη με Έλληνα και δεν μιλάω ελληνικά — απλώς χρησιμοποίησα το ChatGPT για μετάφραση. Δεν θέλω αυτή η γυναίκα να δει τι έγραψα. Δεν νομίζω ότι μιλάει ελληνικά.

Βρήκα μια γυναίκα online που πρόσφερε υπηρεσίες καθαρισμού σπιτιών και βόλτας/φύλαξης σκύλων. Ζει σε μία από τις πλούσιες συνοικίες. Ο άντρας μου κι εγώ νιώσαμε πολύ ανήσυχοι αφού μιλήσαμε μαζί της. Την προσέλαβα για μια μέρα βόλτας με τον σκύλο μέσω της πλατφόρμας, και μετά με πήρε τηλέφωνο. Είναι Βρετανίδα από το Λονδίνο, οπότε δεν υπήρξε πρόβλημα επικοινωνίας αφού είμαστε και οι δύο φυσικοί ομιλητές αγγλικών.

Μου είπε ότι ζει με 11 Φιλιππινέζους τους οποίους στέλνει να κάνουν τις δουλειές, και ότι χρησιμοποιεί αυτές τις πλατφόρμες για την επιχείρησή της. Είπε περίπου τρεις φορές ότι είναι όλοι μια μεγάλη ευτυχισμένη οικογένεια. Είπα «αλήθεια; ΔΩΔΕΚΑ άτομα σε ένα σπίτι;» και μου απάντησε ναι, ότι το σπίτι της έχει 4 ορόφους, οπότε υπάρχει άφθονος χώρος... Είπε ότι διευθύνει μια επιχείρηση καθαρισμού σπιτιών και βόλτας/φύλαξης σκύλων και στέλνει τους Φιλιππινέζους στις δουλειές. Όλο αυτό με έκανε να αναστατωθώ, αλλά δεν ξέρω αν το παρεξηγώ. Ο άντρας μου είπε ότι ακούγεται σαν εμπόριο ανθρώπων, αλλά δεν ξέρω αν πραγματικά είναι έτσι. Νομίζω ότι αυτό που το κάνει να φαίνεται τόσο περίεργο είναι ότι μου έδωσε το Instagram της και είναι γεμάτο φωτογραφίες της να ζει την πολυτελή ζωή, να οδηγεί ακριβά σκάφη, να ταξιδεύει παντού, μισόγυμνη με έντονη πλαστική χειρουργική. Επίσης φαίνεται να είναι μεγάλη υποστηρίκτρια φιλανθρωπίας και διευθύνει τη δική της φιλανθρωπική οργάνωση. Δεν θέλω να βιαστώ να κρίνω, αλλά μήπως φαίνεται περίεργο και σε άλλους;

Sorry this gets a bit into sex.

We had a hard year besides our loss, but with that on top it's just flattened us. It's been 5 months since our loss. I want my marriage to work out, and I will stay with my husband because I married him and he is a good person, but we are both so..tepid about life now. It feels like we are roommates or friends who get along okay enough but aren't taking good care of ourselves or our home, or interested in one another beyond surface level stuff.

I also almost died in my loss and was awake for the surgery that saved me (epidural had me numb), and for some reason that has really impacted our sex life. I have always had a really high sex drive, and we've had a great sex life, but I am literally not feeling the same pleasure/sensations that I used to. I don't even want to be sexual when im alone, but I know it's in there as I have a lot of sex dreams (thankfully about my husband), but when I wake up, the desire is gone.

Has anyone reclaimed their sex life? worked out their marriage issues?

We do have a marriage therapist who is great and helped us in the early days a lot, but she's extremely expensive so we are putting off seeing her for the time being. We also aren't really fighting, so idk what there is even to talk with her about at the moment.

Sorry, I had to write that title in third person for clarity lol. 

I am the wife.. we had a hard year. Lost our baby around 5 months pregnant, almost died, and found out that I’ll never have a pregnancy go to term without serious medical intervention. We live abroad and away from family, and we went through this entire loss alone. We also both have a trauma history. 

IDK what to do because it feels like we both aren’t doing well and are so isolated. It’s a testament to our compatibility that we aren’t down each other’s throats, but life isn’t going well since our loss. We had a period where we fought a lot, but we got over that and now life is just really apathetic for us both.

We lost our pregnant in February on valentines day (also a really special anniversary for our relationship). We are barely having sex when before we had a great sex drive. We got married a year ago after 5 years of dating.  

We moved into a new house 2 months after our loss and it was our first unfurnished house since moving abroad so we have to furnish the entire thing which is pricey. At first this stopped us from furnishing, but now we’ve lived here for four months and we don’t even have any lights in the ceiling installed (which aren’t that expensive), we’ve hung up no art, it’s all just sitting on the floor, and we have no photos up. We haven’t even invested in a basic set of silverware, instead still using the 50 cent ones I got as a temporary fix. The whole house is tile and hardwood and we’ve only bought one carpet that’s in our bedroom. Our mattress is on the floor. It literally looks and feels like a sad Airbnb and why? For no reason at all? We make over 100k/yr which in comparison the average lawyer or doctor in our country makes about 65k. It's litearlly only because we don't feel like doing it, and I dont know how to fix it. We've both just had this depression hanging over us for 6 months now.

In our grief we got a puppy and she’s lovely but I am also worried because I think she’s a bit behind on her potty training because of our apathy (and frankly tile floors) and I am super sad that she is living with two obviously depressed people. She's a small breed and we have a yard so I think she gets enough exercise but we WFH and I'm worried she's developing separation anxiety because we never leave to go anywhere except maybe a coffee and groceries.

My husband has been throwing himself into his business and is essentially working from sunrise to sun down every day.. He sits on his phone in bed and starts work as soon as he wakes up, and then sits at his desk all day. He has had a habit of being a workaholic that he inherited from his dad. Neither of us are going to the gym which we used to love and we've both gained so much weight.

I have in return started to throw myself into prepping for grad school which has been my dream for a long time. It’s giving me a lot to focus on, but it’s not exactly helping the dynamic. I’m trying to be patient but at the moment it is one of those dynamics where were in the kitchen and I ask him a question and he doesn’t reply because he is on his phone working—but it’s happening multiple times a day.

He isn’t cleaning, and he will say he will cook something, but then doesn’t do it—and I then I don’t do it either because I’m just…alone and what’s the point?  

We’re both going to bed listening to things, and there’s absolutely no routine anywhere. There is laundry everywhere, and the house just feels..gross. I can’t keep up. I am trying hard to clean and cook but when we’re both barely able to clean up after ourselves, it just keeps piling up.

I dont know what to do. We are nearly 6 months post our loss now. I have so much anger and resentment at both of our families who literally cancelled their trips to come  see us after we lost our baby. No one came to our side or even offered—which I guess is “normal” maybe, but even a hallow offer would have been great. I feel sick to my stomach with worry. We both tell each other we feel completely existentially lost and alone every day. He is in therapy, and I was but it’s been really hard to find a good therapist in this country (I’ve been through 4 already that were atrocious, two of them pretended to speak English and then literally didn’t. One of them thought my baby was ALIVE at the end of our first session).

We have a nice house and a nice life, did anyone else go through anything remotely similar? Outside of prepping for grad school (art program) I feel like I am drowning

I am from America but married a greek and emigrated to greece. When getting married, I was so shocked to find out not only that registries dont exist, but it is standard to put your bank account on the bottom of your wedding invite, so people can send you money instead of giving cash.

We had to keep it off of ours because it would be way too shocking for our American guests.

I am curious what other traditions out there might shock brides from other cultures!

I did nearly five years of intensive therapies of many types and was doing so well that I decided to get married and have a baby. I lost my baby girl at five months pregnant in February and now I'm just so lost.

i try to find solace in the things in my life like friends, family or creativity but every corner of my life feels empty. I feel so so alone. lt physically hurts I feel like i lost all of my family. everyone just did a fucking fade out. it would be one thing if they all talked but they don't. I'm certain almost no one speaks to anyone else in the family anymore. most of my siblings are addicts facing homelessness often--one brother an arrested wife beating abuser, the other only an accused physical abuser.

I haven't seen any of my four siblings since 2017, and i had to "cut off" my mom as she's a literal sociopath. I text with a sister occasionally though.. but I think she has schizophrenia or something with delusions.

my mom left when I was 10yrs old anyways. I just pretend that I had a relationship with her for most of my life because I didn't want to accept it. she has tried to reach out to me maybe five times in over 7 years' and I answeres the phone...but the last time was 3 years ago. I don't even know if that counts as cutting her off--she never wanted a relationship to begin with, and she hasn't tried at all.

after my loss this year, I found out I'll never be able to carry a pregnancy without serious medical intervention while pregnant + bed rest for 6 months. I had put so much of my career on hold because all I wanted was to have a child and start over. my husband is great but he is extremely work obsessed and I feel like I don't ever get to see him right now. he's been sitting on a project for 6 weeks and even when we are together he is checking his phone every 10 minutes (literally).

I WFH but I work for my husband and I'm just melting into depression every day. I'm trying so hard to stay afloat and grasp at anything that could be mine, but I just end up counting down the hours until I can watch tv and forget about life.

I don't like the job I do for him, but I am stuck in it due to visa issues. we could go back to our home country but it feels like we can't at this point financially. our life abroad is so also much better and I truly do love the weather here. But all my friends who I had here have moved and I feel so bitterly alone and frustrated with life.

I can't find a therapist here either that speaks English will enough to help me (and isn't totally insane lol). idk I j just feel like I'm going to scream. I've been working on grad school applications I move towards something--anything-- but it's slow going.

I can't go see my old therapist who helped me so much because I can't afford her anymore.

I recently got friend dumped by a woman who I befriended because she reminded me of my mom (in a good way).. she dumped me in a brutal judgemental moment that I am sure she regrets. life is easier without her drama of I'm being honest but she was my last friend in town.

I know I have a beautiful life despite this stuff. there's actually so much good here, and I want to romanticize it but I'm so so broken by this intensely physical depression every day.

I am lucky enough to not be pouring hours into a shit job because I have no other choice. I have a safe home, a puppy, and even a yard with a pool. I have a very attractive husband who is funny and smart. I have a car and I have gas in it. I have literally in my past panhandled for gas money and needed food stamps most of my adult life. I'm free of so much abuse and so why do I feel like this still? why can't I get it together? I was doing so so well before I lost my daughter and now I feel so..tepid, alone, and sad every day. I have to fight so hard against the depression and it wins out every single day.

we've been working on barking in the kitchen/dining table for about a month. Our poodle is 4.75 months old. In general it is less frequent than it was, and if she's well slept she is pretty good at controlling herslef (maybe 1-3 episodes/day on good days), but last week she sarted barking at strangers when she wants attention!

we live in a big European city with lots of cafe sidewalk culture. it's super embarrassing and also difficult to train as many ppl want to pet her.. wondering if we should just skip public areas for a few weeks?

I'm a little disheartened that after a month it's not gotten more than 50% better. I don't think she has any developmental problems as she learns so fast and is clearly very smart--i just wonder if we are doing something wrong with the barking training.

background TLDR: I am 34 and I have capital T trauma, 3 of my 4 siblings are homeless mentally ill addicts. Lots of violence growing up, grew up in a poor place with very few people who made it "out". Both parents left when I was 15, and I barely graduated from HS. It took me 15 years to complete my bachelors as I struggled a lot in young adulthood. I earned all A's in my writing classes and have a lot of encouragement to follow it from professors which feels great. My GPA is okay ~3.4.

But, I fought to eat most of my life, and my writing and art were always in the background. I could hustle with my art and got a few little grants and had a little photo business. I've always written and it's what I've always wanted to spend my life doing (of course I know an MFA won't guarantee this), but I frankly didn't believe I could due to my circumstances.

I have done things like present my writings, and join writing groups in my free time, go to readings and festivals regularly, but it isn't much.

Now that I am a little older, and have had a super flexible well paying job for a few years, I want to do a low residency MA or MFA..but I am concerned about how I'll look stacked up against other applicants. I dont want to present myself to MFA programs as a giant ball of trauma, and nothing else (but even this last year has been shaped by significant trauma when I had a complex pregnancy, a still birth to my daughter, almost died, and found out I will never be able to carry a baby without serious medical intervention, obviously I dont want to share this stuff in the application process but also?! it was my entire year!)

Has anyone figured out how to explain "I was a bit disenfranchised from the get go, so I didn't believe in myself, and have had to fight for the basics my whole life, but I am more complex than that and I really am passionate about writing" ?

I look at some writers who seem like they are full time journalists or others who got through college in 4 years, or a myriad of other things that make me think why would they ever even consider me when these other people already offer so much more?

I found out that I have cervical insufficiency and while I didn't manage to get a cerclage in time (despite a million symptoms that my OB ignored), I just dont know if I can mentally handle the possibility of another loss + the medical realities of a cerclage. I have had 3 first tri losses, and then a 4th late in my second trimester (4.5 months ago).

I didn't get my CI diagnosis until my 2nd trimester loss. I also almost died after that loss and have PTSD from it.

I just dont know if I can do it all again. Getting a cerclage sounds like so much, and I feel pathetic saying that as I know so many women go through it without any problems--but I just dont believe I would cope with it or the bedrest/no sex/no orgasms very well. The reality that I would never be able to have children without kind of intense medical intervention is so disheartening to me. I keep thinking about without modern medicine, I would never be able to have children.

The whole thing is making me never want to try again on a deep level. I can't find anywhere in my heart at the moment to even want a baby, which is something I've really really wanted for at least 10 years. I am almost 35 so I have some time to sort through this, but not a lot.

This loss with PPD, and PTSD has made me question my entire ability to be a mother also. I feel like I might not ever be mentally healthy enough to have a child at this point, and maybe I was deluding myself to think otherwise as I have an extensive history of trauma and a serious lack of familial support.

My husband isn't sure if he wants a baby anymore either, and so that adds another layer.

I have cervical insufficiency and while I didn't manage to get a cerclage in time (despite a million symptoms that my OB ignored).. I just dont know if I can mentally handle the possibility of another loss + the medical realities. I have had 4 losses, the most recent was late in my second trimester.

I didn't get my CI diagnosis until my 2nd trimester loss. I also almost died after that loss and have PTSD from it.

I just dont know if I can do it all again. Getting a cerclage sounds like so much, and I feel pathetic saying that as I know so many women go through it without any problems--but I just dont believe I would cope with it well. The whole thing is making me never want to try again on a deep level. I can't find anywhere in my heart at the moment to even want a baby, which is something I've really wanted for at least 10 years. I am almost 35 so I have some time to sort through this, but not a lot.

I guess I just need a reality check that I'm not losing my mind. This year has been incredibly difficult on top of my pregnancy loss and we live abroad from my family. I almost died after birth, and I found out I have cervical insufficiency.

I am 1 month from my due date. I got a puppy about 2 months ago and she's been so incredibly healing. She is literally perfect, and shes the most cuddly small dog ever.

Tonight I was watching some TV, and she came and laid on my chest to sleep. As she laid there I had this overwhelming feeling and thought that this was my baby coming back to be with me because I'll never be pregnant again. I have been very unsure if I want to go through a pregnancy again after HG + post birth complications + now I know I will have to have a cerclage stitch (I know cervical insufficiency it isn't a big deal for all women, but for me the mental load of it feels like too much). I haven't wanted to be pregnant or have a baby since about 1 month after my loss and it's been something I've wanted so badly for about 10 years, so my whole life plan and dreams feel lost.

Anyways, I just..need a reality check. I am not sure if I am going crazy, or if I am just still grieving, but for a second there it really felt like it was my daughter with me again.

My puppy's paperwork says that she was born 10 days after my daughter (which I had no idea about), but when they handed us her paperwork, they had mistakenly written my daughters birth date, crossed it out, and re-wrote the date for 10 days later, and I know it's probably a coincidence, but part of me says what if its not? I felt so close to my daughter the days after we lost her and I haven't felt like I could "feel" her with me in months. It's been so sad, and now to have this moment where it felt like I was..it hurts so much.