u/coursesand

I try to share my honest experiences and preferences and I always get downvoted if it doesn’t fit the groupthink.

Like for example, I was sharing how I’ve learned that I prefer lively resorts over secluded resorts, and get downvoted. Or will say how I think luxury all inclusives are the best value and often better than the luxury resorts like One&Only and Four Seasons, like better service and hard product and you don’t get nickled and dimed. Again, downvoted.

It feels like there’s this attitude that you‘re “poor” or “not classy” unless you let a hotel extract money from you. I make over $500k a year, but I don’t like paying $34 for a small minosa, I don’t like being asked to tip after a mediocre workout class. I don’t like being charged $40 for an appetizer.

Some of these things I didn’t know until I visited. I posted just so some people know. I just share things that I wish I had known, and then people in those subs are like “well you should have known” or “why would you book that resort if you don’t like X.” How was I supposed to know? I’ve enjoyed 9/10 resorts I stay at. Sometimes things don’t click. People were dogging me for saying I didnt like O&O Mandarina because it was too secluded. How would I ever know I don’t like that type of resort until I try it? I was just warning people like “hey FYI it’s not a great resort for extroverts or solo travelers.” I did a ton of research on the resort and never saw anyone talk about that aspect.

If I share anything about all inclusives, I also get downvoted. Like we are “beneath“ the people who spend $20k at a Four Seasons. If someone loved four seasons, that’s awesome! it’s not really for me personally, but I respect that it’s a good fit for someone with a family or someone that enjoys the brand. I’m speaking as a solo traveler that enjoys talking to people when I’m on vacation and appreciates value. It’s like people don’t want my perspective because there’s only ONE perspective. and it seems to be whatever perspective the travel agents push to make more money.

Anyways, done with my rant. Just annoyed at the lack of voices for extroverted solo female travelers. Not everyone has a partner or has kids or wants to be secluded alone for a week!

I went in skeptical but I’m absolutely loving it at Xcaret Arte. I’m going to do a deeper dive review when I’m home but I’ll do an AMA while I’m here!

My two bucket list resorts were O&O madarina and Xcaret Arte. O&O really fell short of my expectations and I felt it was subpar in a lot of ways and overpriced.

I was worried going into Xcaret Arte that I would feel the same way, but I don’t. I actually think it’s my favorite resort I’ve been to, everything has been incredible. I know it’s gotten a lot of mixed reviews, but I personally think it may be a 10/10 resort (at least for all the things I like).

I’m going to do an in depth review later but I’ll do an AMA while I’m here if anyone Has questions!

As someone with a “loving mom that would never hurt her children” who was actually awful behind closed doors. It’s so frustrating to see people insist there is NO WAY a MOTHER could do this.

My mom was the same way… appeared like the perfect loving mom in public. Posted on Facebook about how much she loved me and how proud she was of me and how beautiful I am. But behind closed doors, she was a raging narcissist. Constantly yelling at me, extreme monitoring of my eating and weight to the point where I developed severe binge eating disorder and body dysmorphia, read all of my texts and emails secretly, mocked me and put me down, claimed she was better than me, told me I humiliate her, etc etc. The fact so many people are saying “how could a loving mom ever hurt their child, she must be innocent!” is a slap in the face to every child that suffered at the hands of abusive mothers. Lindsay Clancey isnt a victim, she BRUTALLY MURDERED her own kids.

I get the impression she wanted the picture-perfect family and the kids didn’t live up to her expectation of what “a perfect family would look like” aka had kids that actually acted like kids, and she was upset and resented them. And she felt like a victim because motherhood wasn’t “what she expected.” But what actually happened is she centered the idea of motherhood around herself instead of her kids and she couldn’t handle that it was hard and not about her. 

So she brought the kids into the world to serve her needs. And when they didn’t fit the box she wanted, she took them out of the world and wanted to leave it.

I think NPD makes the most sense out of everything but I know I’m speculating. 

I have very mixed feelings about One&Only Mandarina. I spent 5 days / 4 nights in a treehouse Villa. It was the #1 resort I’ve wanted to go to for over a year. What captivated me were the treehouse experience, treehouse architecture, pools, and overall luxury.

I reaaaaaaally underestimated just how remote and jungly the place is and how almost everything would be open air. So some of my negatives may not be an issue for you, this is all from the perspective of a social city girl that is scared of bugs!

The Great:

- Treehouse Villas are stunning, they are impeccably designed and the most unique experiences I’ve ever had at a hotel/resort

- Views are incredible, great place for a photoshoot. I would literally just stare at the resort from the pools and beaches and question if this was real life

- Best beach I’ve ever been to, that alone was worth going (even saw a dead puffer fish lol!)

- Carao dinner was amazing (fish chorizo was a standout)

The Good:

- Treehouse bar: unique bar experience overlooking ocean and jungle

- Housekeeping

- Pools: views were nice and pools were beautiful but I felt like they were a bit too calm / could have don’t better with some of the pool furniture or something. Very few people used the pools so they always felt dead/ extremely quiet.

The OK:

- I hate to say this, but the service really left me underwhelmed. It felt very robotic and stiff at times. It almost felt like I HAD to be happy or they would be pushy. For example, I was so full that I didn’t finish a dish and the head chef came by to see what was wrong. They tried to convince me to change into beach clothes when I got there and I was like… no I’m fine with what I’m wearing. I think I’m just very independent and don’t need this kind of “service“. It sometimes made me feel very constrained to have to deal with it all. Also, It was bizarre how literally every single staff member asked me multiple times a day what I think about the weather, as if they were all trained to ask that. I can fell they were trying to make it feel personal by remembering your last name and having the butler but I’ve had much better service and experience at Excellence resorts and they are a fraction of the cost (plus food/drinks included). At times it felt like they were bugging me more than they were helping me. It just felt like “flashy” service more than actually helpful service. Everyone was very kind and nobody did anything bad. It just felt inconsistent and felt “off” to me in some ways.

- Spa: I expected a lot more. It’s not bad at all. But I’ve been to much better spas with more impressive facilities for a lot less. The massage was good but I’ve had better. The cold plunge always had dead bugs in it. I get that it’s outdoors and in the jungle, but it’s hard for me to consider anything luxurious when dead bugs are involved. But if you’re really into nature, you’ll love it. Some of the architecture was very austere and felt like a prison more than a spa. The sauna was very cool.

- Gym: There were THREE pieces of broken equipment in a small gym. That is totally unacceptable for a place of this caliber and at that cost. The gym is stunning. It has some weird Technogym equipment that isn’t really that useful but looks “impressive” for the instagram influencers to post. Overall you can get a basic workout in but again, I’ve seen more impressive and comprehensive gyms at cheaper places. It felt like a great place for a fitness photoshoot more than a place to actually workout.

- Breakfast: It was a bit underwhelming. Not bad, but I’ve had much better and more impressive breakfasts at other resorts.

The Bad:

- Almost everything is outdoors (no AC, bugs everywhere, I expected more indoor spaces for an expensive luxury property). It was extremely hot and humid, even during dinners and breakfast, there was basically no respite unless you were in your villa or in the gym.

- BUGS EVERYWHERE. yes yes I know I know, I should have known… but I would wake up to 20 but cicadas on my screen door, and would have to run through a swarm by my front door every night. I started scheduled dinners early and going to my room early to avoid it. I asked my butler to have housekeeping and turndown service to NOT turn my lights on outside to avoid bugs but they did turn them on every time. Again, I know I’m in the rainforest, but it was stressful as someone who’s scared of big bugs to deal with them everywhere, especially since everything was open-air.

- The buggies made the experience really tough at times. It sometimes took an hour to get a buggy. I would schedule them myself ahead of time multiple times and nobody would come. The butler himself would confirm they were scheduled, but nobody came. Was very surprising. Sometimes I’d want to go somewhere and it felt like they were convincing me to go somewhere else or they would assume I’d be In my villa at certain times when I wanted to go to the treehouse bar. I gave up on going to the gym everyday because of the buggies.

- The costs: it feels like you’re getting nickled and dimed and upcharged for everything. They quoted me nearly $700 for one hour of jet ski. They charged be $34 for one very small mimosa. It felt like every day, I was blowing so much money despite me trying to be conscious about it. There’s nothing luxurious about being “monetized”. Made me feel like I was a cash cow more than a customer to them. I think the beach was absolutely stunning but the cost of the whole trip feels more than what I got in value.

CONCLUSION:

Who should go here?

Overall, it felt like a place that is ideal for instagram influencers, rich families that aren’t budget-conscious, couples that want privacy, people that enjoy exclusivity/status, people that enjoy remote resorts, and nature lovers. If you aren’t comfortable with bugs and wildlife, I probably would not recommend this place… literally had to run through a swarm of cicadas some nights to get into my room every night. But the views are stunning and would honestly be incredible for a photoshoot. I don’t think I’d recommend it for a solo trip unless you just really love being isolated/alone.

Overall Impression:

Despite the impressive villas, views, and beach that left me in awe, I felt that the resort’s execution in amenities and operations were lacking. It just felt like it was lacking in personality or substance. It felt like they prioritized the “flashy” aspects of the resort over the necessities (gym equipment broken, but you have a guy to an unnecessary 3 minute energy cleansing ritual for you before your massage.)

Would I go back?:

I definitely enjoyed aspects of the resort but other aspects left me feeling both underwhelmed and confused. I could see myself maybe coming back in the future because the villas and the beach are truly spectacular. But of all the resorts I’ve been to in Mexico, this was the most expensive and my least favorite (somewhat due to my extreme hatred of bugs, so your mileage may vary).

I have very mixed feelings about One&Only Mandarina. I spent 5 days / 4 nights in a treehouse Villa. It was the #1 resort I’ve wanted to go to for over a year. What captivated me were the treehouse experience, treehouse architecture, pools, and overall luxury.

I reaaaaaaally underestimated just how remote and jungly the place is and how almost everything would be open air. So some of my negatives may not be an issue for you, this is all from the perspective of a social city girl that is scared of bugs!

The Great:

- Treehouse Villas are stunning, they are impeccably designed and the most unique experiences I’ve ever had at a hotel/resort

- Views are incredible, great place for a photoshoot. I would literally just stare at the resort from the pools and beaches and question if this was real life

- Best beach I’ve ever been to, that alone was worth going (even saw a dead puffer fish lol!)

- Carao dinner was amazing (fish chorizo was a standout)

The Good:

- Treehouse bar: unique bar experience overlooking ocean and jungle

- Housekeeping

- Pools: views were nice and pools were beautiful but I felt like they were a bit too calm / could have done better with some of the pool furniture or something. Very few people used the pools so they always felt dead/ extremely quiet.

The OK:

- I hate to say this, but the service really left me underwhelmed. It felt very robotic and stiff at times. It almost felt like I HAD to be happy or they would be pushy. For example, I was so full that I didn’t finish a dish and the head chef came by to see what was wrong. They tried to convince me to change into beach clothes when I got there and I was like… no I’m fine with what I’m wearing. I think I’m just very independent and don’t need this kind of “service“. It sometimes made me feel very constrained to have to deal with it all. Also, It was bizarre how literally every single staff member asked me multiple times a day what I think about the weather, as if they were all trained to ask that. I can tell they were trying to make it feel personal by remembering your last name and having the butler but I’ve had much better service and experience at Excellence resorts and they are a fraction of the cost (plus food/drinks included). At times it felt like they were bugging me more than they were helping me. It just felt like “flashy” service more than actually helpful service. Everyone was very kind and nobody did anything bad. It just felt inconsistent and felt “off” to me in some ways.

- Spa: I expected a lot more. It’s not bad at all. But I’ve been to much better spas with more impressive facilities for a lot less. The massage was good but I’ve had better. The cold plunge always had dead bugs in it. I get that it’s outdoors and in the jungle, but it’s hard for me to consider anything luxurious when dead bugs are involved. But if you’re really into nature, you’ll love it. Some of the architecture was very austere and felt like a prison more than a spa. The sauna was very cool.

- Gym: There were THREE pieces of broken equipment in a small gym. That is totally unacceptable for a place of this caliber and at that cost. The gym is stunning. It has some weird Technogym equipment that isn’t really that useful but looks “impressive” for the instagram influencers to post. Overall you can get a basic workout in but again, I’ve seen more impressive and comprehensive gyms at cheaper places. It felt like a great place for a fitness photoshoot more than a place to actually workout.

- Breakfast: It was a bit underwhelming. Not bad, but I’ve had much better and more impressive breakfasts at other resorts.

The Bad:

- Almost everything is outdoors (no AC, bugs everywhere, I expected more indoor spaces for an expensive luxury property). It was extremely hot and humid, even during dinners and breakfast, there was basically no respite unless you were in your villa or in the gym.

- BUGS EVERYWHERE. yes yes I know I know, I should have known… but I would wake up to 20 but cicadas on my screen door, and would have to run through a swarm by my front door every night. I started scheduled dinners early and going to my room early to avoid it. I asked my butler to have housekeeping and turndown service to NOT turn my lights on outside to avoid bugs but they did turn them on every time. Again, I know I’m in the rainforest, but it was stressful as someone who’s scared of big bugs to deal with them everywhere, especially since everything was open-air.

- The buggies made the experience really tough at times. It sometimes took an hour to get a buggy. I would schedule them myself ahead of time multiple times and nobody would come. The butler himself would confirm they were scheduled, but nobody came. Was very surprising. Sometimes I’d want to go somewhere and it felt like they were convincing me to go somewhere else or they would assume I’d be In my villa at certain times when I wanted to go to the treehouse bar. I gave up on going to the gym everyday because of the buggies.

- The costs: it feels like you’re getting nickled and dimed and upcharged for everything. They quoted me nearly $700 for one hour of jet ski. They charged be $34 for one very small mimosa. They made us sign a “sign in sheet” for the free workout class and it asked us to add a tip for the instructor, which really annoyed me. It felt like every day, I was blowing so much money despite me trying to be conscious about it. There’s nothing luxurious about being “monetized”. Made me feel like I was a cash cow more than a customer to them. I think the beach was absolutely stunning but the cost of the whole trip feels more than what I got in value.

CONCLUSION:

Who should go here?

Overall, it felt like a place that is ideal for instagram influencers, rich families that aren’t budget-conscious, couples that want privacy, people that enjoy exclusivity/status, people that enjoy remote resorts, and nature lovers. If you aren’t comfortable with bugs and wildlife, I probably would not recommend this place… literally had to run through a swarm of cicadas some nights to get into my room every night. But the views are stunning and would honestly be incredible for a photoshoot. I don’t think I’d recommend it for a solo trip unless you just really love being isolated/alone.

Overall Impression:

Despite the impressive villas, views, and beach that left me in awe, I felt that the resort’s execution in amenities and operations were lacking. It just felt like it was lacking in personality or substance. It felt like they prioritized the “flashy” aspects of the resort over the necessities (gym equipment broken, but you have a guy do an unnecessary 3 minute energy cleansing ritual for you before your massage.)

Would I go back?:

I definitely enjoyed aspects of the resort but other aspects left me feeling both underwhelmed and confused. I could see myself maybe coming back in the future because the villas and the beach are truly spectacular. But of all the resorts I’ve been to in Mexico, this was the most expensive and my least favorite (somewhat due to my extreme hatred of bugs, so your mileage may vary).

I’m really big on value at a resort. I don’t mind paying more if I’m getting my money’s worth or getting a unique experience I can’t get anywhere else. I hate overpaying when I can get something comparable or better somewhere else. Are there any resorts you were surprised how nice it was for the money? Or resorts you thought were totally worth the splurge?

This resort has been on my bucket list for a long time. Its been amazing in some ways and a let down in other ways. It feels very flashy and misses some substance.

Pros:

- Treehouse rooms are spectacular

- Beautiful environment and views

- Food has been excellent

Cons:

- Upcharged for everything (was charged $15 for water at restaurant…)

- Need golf carts to get anywhere and they can take a long time

- Three machines in the gym were broken

- Cicadas are everywhere (I’m not a fan of bugs and I personally underestimated just how remote it would be, may not be an issue for everyone)

- It’s VERY quiet. Almost too quiet (I’m more social and it feels more like solitary confinement than relaxation)

I have been no-contact with my nmom for almost 2 years. The guilt at times has been unbearable, especially with my dad being an enabler and flying monkey for my mom and ultimately a lazy coward.

I was working with my therapist and realized that I keep feeling guilty if I think or feel something that COULD hurt another person. This became evident as I was cutting things off with a guy I was dating that was blowing me off and criticizing me. I was very confident about it until he said to me “I don’t want to stop seeing you, I feel bad about how this is happening.” And I completely spiraled, in a way I knew was more about trauma being triggered than my relationship with him.

I worked with my therapist on the pattern where I prioritize other people’s emotions over my own. She helped me see that I was expected to do this my whole life in my family. I started just saying things like “I am mad at my dad.” Without feeling this need to suppress how I feel to avoid “hurting him.”

I felt a lot of guilt as I did this exercise, like being mad was hurting them. I started to dig into the idea of guilt, and explored “what kind of guilt is good and what kind of guilt is bad?” the articles showed that good guilt leads to acknowledgment and repair for a single scenario.

I thought, what would the guilt I’m feeling need to go away? And then it hit me, the only way to absolve my guilt was with COMPLIANCE.

It was such a big epiphany for me. I realized that the guilt I’d been struggling with for so long was only there because I wasn’t complying with what they want. They haven’t done anything to repair and expect me to just COMPLY.

It put everything together for me in my childhood and life: nmom cared about appearances, and expected me to comply so she would look good. If I didn’t comply, she’d use guilt and gaslighting and coercion to get me to comply. If I resisted, she’d resent me or try to punish me for it.

Realizing that her ultimate goal was to get compliance has really helped me disassociate with the guilt, knowing that its sole purpose is to get compliance. Its disturbing to realize how my parents stole my ability to really connect with my own emotions by making me feel guilty for having any negative emotion about them so they could use whatever means necessary to abuse me and control me until I complied with little resistance.

If you are struggling with guilt with your families, just think: what would you need to do to resolve the guilt? If the answer is “Compliance,” then it’s artificial guilt used to control you.

I have been no-contact with my nmom for almost 2 years. The guilt at times has been unbearable, especially with my dad being an enabler and flying monkey for my mom and ultimately a lazy coward.

I was working with my therapist and realized that I keep feeling guilty if I think or feel something that COULD hurt another person. This became evident as I was cutting things off with a guy I was dating that was blowing me off and criticizing me. I was very confident about it until he said to me “I don’t want to stop seeing you, I feel bad about how this is happening.” And I completely spiraled, in a way I knew was more about trauma being triggered than my relationship with him.

I worked with my therapist on the pattern where I prioritize other people’s emotions over my own. She helped me see that I was expected to do this my whole life in my family. I started just saying things like “I am mad at my dad.” Without feeling this need to suppress how I feel to avoid “hurting him.”

I felt a lot of guilt as I did this exercise, like being mad was hurting them. I started to dig into the idea of guilt, and explored “what kind of guilt is good and what kind of guilt is bad?” the articles showed that good guilt leads to acknowledgment and repair for a single scenario.

I thought, what would the guilt I’m feeling need to go away? And then it hit me, the only way to absolve my guilt was with COMPLIANCE.

It was such a big epiphany for me. I realized that the guilt I’d been struggling with for so long was only there because I wasn’t complying with what they want. They haven’t done anything to repair and expect me to just COMPLY.

It put everything together for me in my childhood and life: nmom cared about appearances, and expected me to comply so she would look good. If I didn’t comply, she’d use guilt and gaslighting and coercion to get me to comply. If I resisted, she’d resent me or try to punish me for it.

Realizing that her ultimate goal was to get compliance has really helped me disassociate with the guilt, knowing that its sole purpose is to get compliance. Its disturbing to realize how my parents stole my ability to really connect with my own emotions by making me feel guilty for having any negative emotion about them so they could use whatever means necessary to abuse me and control me until I complied with little resistance.

If you are struggling with guilt with your families, just think: what would you need to do to resolve the guilt? If the answer is “Compliance,” then it’s artificial guilt used to control you.

I have been no-contact with my nmom for almost 2 years. The guilt at times has been unbearable, especially with my dad being an enabler and flying monkey for my mom and ultimately a lazy coward.

I was working with my therapist and realized that I keep feeling guilty if I think or feel something that COULD hurt another person. This became evident as I was cutting things off with a guy I was dating that was blowing me off and criticizing me. I was very confident about it until he said to me “I don’t want to stop seeing you, I feel bad about how this is happening.” And I completely spiraled, in a way I knew was more about trauma being triggered than my relationship with him.

I worked with my therapist on the pattern where I prioritize other people’s emotions over my own. She helped me see that I was expected to do this my whole life in my family. I started just saying things like “I am mad at my dad.” Without feeling this need to suppress how I feel to avoid “hurting him.”

I felt a lot of guilt as I did this exercise, like being mad was hurting them. I started to dig into the idea of guilt, and explored “what kind of guilt is good and what kind of guilt is bad?” the articles showed that good guilt leads to acknowledgment and repair for a single scenario.

I thought, what would the guilt I’m feeling need to go away? And then it hit me, the only way to absolve my guilt was with COMPLIANCE.

It was such a big epiphany for me. I realized that the guilt I’d been struggling with for so long was only there because I wasn’t complying with what they want. They haven’t done anything to repair and expect me to just COMPLY.

It put everything together for me in my childhood and life: nmom cared about appearances, and expected me to comply so she would look good. If I didn’t comply, she’d use guilt and gaslighting and coercion to get me to comply. If I resisted, she’d resent me or try to punish me for it.

Realizing that her ultimate goal was to get compliance has really helped me disassociate with the guilt, knowing that its sole purpose is to get compliance. Its disturbing to realize how my parents stole my ability to really connect with my own emotions by making me feel guilty for having any negative emotion about them so they could use whatever means necessary to abuse me and control me until I complied with little resistance.

If you are struggling with guilt with your families, just think: what would you need to do to resolve the guilt? If the answer is “Compliance,” then it’s artificial guilt used to control you.

I have been no-contact with my nmom for almost 2 years. The guilt at times has been unbearable, especially with my dad being an enabler and flying monkey for my mom and ultimately a lazy coward.

I was working with my therapist and realized that I keep feeling guilty if I think or feel something that COULD hurt another person. This became evident as I was cutting things off with a guy I was dating that was blowing me off and criticizing me. I was very confident about it until he said to me “I don’t want to stop seeing you, I feel bad about how this is happening.” And I completely spiraled, in a way I knew was more about trauma being triggered than my relationship with him.

I worked with my therapist on the pattern where I prioritize other people’s emotions over my own. She helped me see that I was expected to do this my whole life in my family. I started just saying things like “I am mad at my dad.” Without feeling this need to suppress how I feel to avoid “hurting him.”

I felt a lot of guilt as I did this exercise, like being mad was hurting them. I started to dig into the idea of guilt, and explored “what kind of guilt is good and what kind of guilt is bad?” the articles showed that good guilt leads to acknowledgment and repair for a single scenario.

I thought, what would the guilt I’m feeling need to go away? And then it hit me, the only way to absolve my guilt was with COMPLIANCE.

It was such a big epiphany for me. I realized that the guilt I’d been struggling with for so long was only there because I wasn’t complying with what they want. They haven’t done anything to repair and expect me to just COMPLY.

It put everything together for me in my childhood and life: nmom cared about appearances, and expected me to comply so she would look good. If I didn’t comply, she’d use guilt and gaslighting and coercion to get me to comply. If I resisted, she’d resent me or try to punish me for it.

Realizing that her ultimate goal was to get compliance has really helped me disassociate with the guilt, knowing that its sole purpose is to get compliance. Its disturbing to realize how my parents stole my ability to really connect with my own emotions by making me feel guilty for having any negative emotion about them so they could use whatever means necessary to abuse me and control me until I complied with little resistance.

If you are struggling with guilt with your families, just think: what would you need to do to resolve the guilt? If the answer is “Compliance,” then it’s artificial guilt used to control you.

I have been no-contact with my nmom for almost 2 years. The guilt at times has been unbearable, especially with my dad being an enabler and flying monkey for my mom and ultimately a lazy coward.

I was working with my therapist and realized that I keep feeling guilty if I think or feel something that COULD hurt another person. This became evident as I was cutting things off with a guy I was dating that was blowing me off and criticizing me. I was very confident about it until he said to me “I don’t want to stop seeing you, I feel bad about how this is happening.” And I completely spiraled, in a way I knew was more about trauma being triggered than my relationship with him.

I worked with my therapist on the pattern where I prioritize other people’s emotions over my own. She helped me see that I was expected to do this my whole life in my family. I started just saying things like “I am mad at my dad.” Without feeling this need to suppress how I feel to avoid “hurting him.”

I felt a lot of guilt as I did this exercise, like being mad was hurting them. I started to dig into the idea of guilt, and explored “what kind of guilt is good and what kind of guilt is bad?” the articles showed that good guilt leads to acknowledgment and repair for a single scenario.

I thought, what would the guilt I’m feeling need to go away? And then it hit me, the only way to absolve my guilt was with COMPLIANCE.

It was such a big epiphany for me. I realized that the guilt I’d been struggling with for so long was only there because I wasn’t complying with what they want. They haven’t done anything to repair and expect me to just COMPLY.

It put everything together for me in my childhood and life: nmom cared about appearances, and expected me to comply so she would look good. If I didn’t comply, she’d use guilt and gaslighting and coercion to get me to comply. If I resisted, she’d resent me or try to punish me for it.

Realizing that her ultimate goal was to get compliance has really helped me disassociate with the guilt, knowing that its sole purpose is to get compliance. Its disturbing to realize how my parents stole my ability to really connect with my own emotions by making me feel guilty for having any negative emotion about them so they could use whatever means necessary to abuse me and control me until I complied with little resistance.

If you are struggling with guilt with your families, just think: what would you need to do to resolve the guilt? If the answer is “Compliance,” then it’s artificial guilt used to control you.

I want to do a birthday trip but I’m having a hard time picking a location. I’ve stayed at all the excellence resorts in cancun and Secrets Moxché a few times.

I’ll be going to One&Only Mandarina, Hotel Mousai, and Xcaret Arte this summer.

I want to try branching out to something new. I have some on my list but can’t decide. I want to get the best bang for my buck, great views and rooms, great pools. Food and beach aren’t as big of a priority of me. I’d like a place that isn’t super focused on families and I could talk to other people at the resort.

I don’t have a strict budget, but I don’t like overspending if it’s not worth it. I’d say $1.5k per night is my absolute limit, but ideally would stay under $1k per night unless the extra cost is worth it.

Here are some of my ideas:

1. Four Seasons Tamarindo

2. Cabo (montage? four seasons? waldorf?)

3. St Lucia (body holiday, jade mountain)

4. Costa Rica (Nayara Springs)

Would you recommend any of these?

My whole life, my mom was never very kind to me. She shamed me, criticized me, controlled me, manipulated me, consistently from first grade to 30 years old. She cared so much about her “image.” She would repeatedly do things that I told her not to do and say things she knew were hurtful or unwanted. Some of her favorite catch phrases were “I know you don’t want to hear this but…” and “Wow I guess I can’t say anything, you just want me to shut up.“ (If you want more details, I have posted about her before).

About 2 years ago, I told her I was going to ask for a raise at work and was putting my strategy together. She acts very weird (always does this passive aggressive thing where she changes moods and makes you ask her what’s wrong because if you don’t, she’ll escalate.) She says “I just think you need to be more grateful for what you already have.“ I was like “wait are you upset that I’m asking for a raise?” She said very condescendingly “well when I worked, I never asked for anything. I just worked hard and was grateful for what they gave me.” I said “mom it’s really normal in today’s job market to ask for a raise, and I have the leverage to do it now.“ She says “wow, do you don’t think I know what I’m talking about, you know I had a great career before I gave it up for YOU.“ I said “mom, that’s not what I’m saying, I just don’t feel like you’re being very supportive right now.“ My mom says “Oh my gosh! I DO support you! I gave up my career for you, you just don’t respect me, I really can’t say anything oh my gosh!”

We get into a four hour long conversation after that, where I try to talk to her about why it doesn’t feel supportive, and she keeps dodging/deflecting. It was a long convo, hard to recap everything here. It goes into why she yelled at me so much, why she was so controlling, why she doesn’t listen to me. At one point she snapped at me and said “Well I know I’m a better mother than your friend‘s moms, look how they turned out.” (I‘m pretty sure she’s referencing my best friend that was gay. She wanted him and I to date and was obsessed with him and once he came out, she hated him and believes he’s only gay for attention and because I didn’t date him…).

At the end of the conversation, I was so tired, especially when we’ve had these so many times before, and told her “I can’t keep doing this, I really don’t want to keep rehashing the past. I want a relationship with you and I want to get to a better place. I’m just asking that moving forward, you can respect what Im saying about being respectful of my choices for my own life moving forward. Can you please not text me gifs or football updates, and reflect on what I’m saying, and then text me so we can have a talk about it and then move on?

Her response: well what if I want to send you some gifs? (In A patronizing tone).

I say “mom, this is exactly what I’m frustrated with, I ask you to not do something and this is your response. please reflect on this and let me know when you’re ready to talk.

A week goes by, and I hear nothing from her. Then she texts me a gif and then A football update with “LOL” in the text. I was so mad. I finally just lost it after that and cut off communication with her.

Since then, she has sent me several emails and gifts. The first email she sent me was so infuriating (you can go back and look in the post history, it’s the one where she blames her being Italian). She just kept sending me gifts and short emails saying “I love you and I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”

I finally was so frustrated that I emailed her and said “I don’t feel like you have really reflected or apologized for anything. Gifts and short emails don’t fix the problem I’ve asked you to look at. The trust has been broken by you violating my boundaries and requests repeatedly. Please do not send any emails or gifts to me moving forward. If you can do that, then I will see you are respecting my requests and that will help build trust so we can potentially talk again.”

Well about two months later, she makes my dad bring me gifts. I told my dad. No, I specifically asked for no gifts and that was what I needed to move forward.

He’s super mad, saying mom wants to be a mom, demanding that I decide whether I’ll speak her now or never again, that they have no idea what I want and they keep trying to meet “all my demands and wishes.“ That their biggest fear is losing me and they want the family together, that this is causing them so much pain. They ask “what do you want us to do?!” and “So you’re just never going to talk to mom again? can’t you have a conversation with her? when are you going to be done processing your emotions so we can be done?”

I’m like…. HELLO?!?! I LITERALLY gave you a roadmap on how we can reconcile. I didn’t even ask you to DO ANYTHING. Just DONT SEND ME GIFTS. But you can’t even do that. And then act like the victim. Because ”well mom wants to be a mom! She can’t even contact you, how else is she going to feel like a mom?”

I just can’t even wrap my head around the irony of this whole thing. They couldn’t even pass the easiest fucking test. I feel vindicated in way, like wow my intuition has been right this whole time, but it sucks to see just how little they care and how they are blaming me for it.

My whole life, my mom was never very kind to me. She shamed me, criticized me, controlled me, manipulated me, consistently from first grade to 30 years old. She cared so much about her “image.” She would repeatedly do things that I told her not to do and say things she knew were hurtful or unwanted. Some of her favorite catch phrases were “I know you don’t want to hear this but…” and “Wow I guess I can’t say anything, you just want me to shut up.“ (If you want more details, I have posted about her before).

About 2 years ago, I told her I was going to ask for a raise at work and was putting my strategy together. She acts very weird (always does this passive aggressive thing where she changes moods and makes you ask her what’s wrong because if you don’t, she’ll escalate.) She says “I just think you need to be more grateful for what you already have.“ I was like “wait are you upset that I’m asking for a raise?” She said very condescendingly “well when I worked, I never asked for anything. I just worked hard and was grateful for what they gave me.” I said “mom it’s really normal in today’s job market to ask for a raise, and I have the leverage to do it now.“ She says “wow, do you don’t think I know what I’m talking about, you know I had a great career before I gave it up for YOU.“ I said “mom, that’s not what I’m saying, I just don’t feel like you’re being very supportive right now.“ My mom says “Oh my gosh! I DO support you! I gave up my career for you, you just don’t respect me, I really can’t say anything oh my gosh!”

We get into a four hour long conversation after that, where I try to talk to her about why it doesn’t feel supportive, and she keeps dodging/deflecting. It was a long convo, hard to recap everything here. It goes into why she yelled at me so much, why she was so controlling, why she doesn’t listen to me. At one point she snapped at me and said “Well I know I’m a better mother than your friend‘s moms, look how they turned out.” (I‘m pretty sure she’s referencing my best friend that was gay. She wanted him and I to date and was obsessed with him and once he came out, she hated him and believes he’s only gay for attention and because I didn’t date him…).

At the end of the conversation, I was so tired, especially when we’ve had these so many times before, and told her “I can’t keep doing this, I really don’t want to keep rehashing the past. I want a relationship with you and I want to get to a better place. I’m just asking that moving forward, you can respect what Im saying about being respectful of my choices for my own life moving forward. Can you please not text me gifs or football updates, and reflect on what I’m saying, and then text me so we can have a talk about it and then move on?

Her response: well what if I want to send you some gifs? (In A patronizing tone).

I say “mom, this is exactly what I’m frustrated with, I ask you to not do something and this is your response. please reflect on this and let me know when you’re ready to talk.

A week goes by, and I hear nothing from her. Then she texts me a gif and then A football update with “LOL” in the text. I was so mad. I finally just lost it after that and cut off communication with her.

Since then, she has sent me several emails and gifts. The first email she sent me was so infuriating (you can go back and look in the post history, it’s the one where she blames her being Italian). She just kept sending me gifts and short emails saying “I love you and I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”

I finally was so frustrated that I emailed her and said “I don’t feel like you have really reflected or apologized for anything. Gifts and short emails don’t fix the problem I’ve asked you to look at. The trust has been broken by you violating my boundaries and requests repeatedly. Please do not send any emails or gifts to me moving forward. If you can do that, then I will see you are respecting my requests and that will help build trust so we can potentially talk again.”

Well about two months later, she makes my dad bring me gifts. I told my dad. No, I specifically asked for no gifts and that was what I needed to move forward.

He’s super mad, saying mom wants to be a mom, demanding that I decide whether I’ll speak her now or never again, that they have no idea what I want and they keep trying to meet “all my demands and wishes.“ That their biggest fear is losing me and they want the family together, that this is causing them so much pain. They ask “what do you want us to do?!” and “So you’re just never going to talk to mom again? can’t you have a conversation with her? when are you going to be done processing your emotions so we can be done?”

I’m like…. HELLO?!?! I LITERALLY gave you a roadmap on how we can reconcile. I didn’t even ask you to DO ANYTHING. Just DONT SEND ME GIFTS. But you can’t even do that. And then act like the victim. Because ”well mom wants to be a mom! She can’t even contact you, how else is she going to feel like a mom?”

I just can’t even wrap my head around the irony of this whole thing. They couldn’t even pass the easiest fucking test. I feel vindicated in way, like wow my intuition has been right this whole time, but it sucks to see just how little they care and how they are blaming me for it.

My whole life, my mom was never very kind to me. She shamed me, criticized me, controlled me, manipulated me, consistently from first grade to 30 years old. She cared so much about her “image.” She would repeatedly do things that I told her not to do and say things she knew were hurtful or unwanted. Some of her favorite catch phrases were “I know you don’t want to hear this but…” and “Wow I guess I can’t say anything, you just want me to shut up.“ (If you want more details, I have posted about her before).

About 2 years ago, I told her I was going to ask for a raise at work and was putting my strategy together. She acts very weird (always does this passive aggressive thing where she changes moods and makes you ask her what’s wrong because if you don’t, she’ll escalate.) She says “I just think you need to be more grateful for what you already have.“ I was like “wait are you upset that I’m asking for a raise?” She said very condescendingly “well when I worked, I never asked for anything. I just worked hard and was grateful for what they gave me.” I said “mom it’s really normal in today’s job market to ask for a raise, and I have the leverage to do it now.“ She says “wow, do you don’t think I know what I’m talking about, you know I had a great career before I gave it up for YOU.“ I said “mom, that’s not what I’m saying, I just don’t feel like you’re being very supportive right now.“ My mom says “Oh my gosh! I DO support you! I gave up my career for you, you just don’t respect me, I really can’t say anything oh my gosh!”

We get into a four hour long conversation after that, where I try to talk to her about why it doesn’t feel supportive, and she keeps dodging/deflecting. It was a long convo, hard to recap everything here. It goes into why she yelled at me so much, why she was so controlling, why she doesn’t listen to me. At one point she snapped at me and said “Well I know I’m a better mother than your friend‘s moms, look how they turned out.” (I‘m pretty sure she’s referencing my best friend that was gay. She wanted him and I to date and was obsessed with him and once he came out, she hated him and believes he’s only gay for attention and because I didn’t date him…).

At the end of the conversation, I was so tired, especially when we’ve had these so many times before, and told her “I can’t keep doing this, I really don’t want to keep rehashing the past. I want a relationship with you and I want to get to a better place. I’m just asking that moving forward, you can respect what Im saying about being respectful of my choices for my own life moving forward. Can you please not text me gifs or football updates, and reflect on what I’m saying, and then text me so we can have a talk about it and then move on?

Her response: well what if I want to send you some gifs? (In A patronizing tone).

I say “mom, this is exactly what I’m frustrated with, I ask you to not do something and this is your response. please reflect on this and let me know when you’re ready to talk.

A week goes by, and I hear nothing from her. Then she texts me a gif and then A football update with “LOL” in the text. I was so mad. I finally just lost it after that and cut off communication with her.

Since then, she has sent me several emails and gifts. The first email she sent me was so infuriating (you can go back and look in the post history, it’s the one where she blames her being Italian). She just kept sending me gifts and short emails saying “I love you and I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”

I finally was so frustrated that I emailed her and said “I don’t feel like you have really reflected or apologized for anything. Gifts and short emails don’t fix the problem I’ve asked you to look at. The trust has been broken by you violating my boundaries and requests repeatedly. Please do not send any emails or gifts to me moving forward. If you can do that, then I will see you are respecting my requests and that will help build trust so we can potentially talk again.”

Well about two months later, she makes my dad bring me gifts. I told my dad. No, I specifically asked for no gifts and that was what I needed to move forward.

He’s super mad, saying mom wants to be a mom, demanding that I decide whether I’ll speak her now or never again, that they have no idea what I want and they keep trying to meet “all my demands and wishes.“ That their biggest fear is losing me and they want the family together, that this is causing them so much pain. They ask “what do you want us to do?!” and “So you’re just never going to talk to mom again? can’t you have a conversation with her? when are you going to be done processing your emotions so we can be done?”

I’m like…. HELLO?!?! I LITERALLY gave you a roadmap on how we can reconcile. I didn’t even ask you to DO ANYTHING. Just DONT SEND ME GIFTS. But you can’t even do that. And then act like the victim. Because ”well mom wants to be a mom! She can’t even contact you, how else is she going to feel like a mom?”

I just can’t even wrap my head around the irony of this whole thing. They couldn’t even pass the easiest fucking test. I feel vindicated in way, like wow my intuition has been right this whole time, but it sucks to see just how little they care and how they are blaming me for it.