u/pinkestpenny

WOW that title sounds stupid I do apologise but I fear I’m absolutely abysmal when it comes to summaries whoops!!
But anyways, i genuinely feel like I’m an absolute mess and like a literal shell of myself, but I don’t feel like i have any right to feel that way or really any justified reason??

Like I’m just about to go into summer before year 13, I’m very unemployed so all I do is frolic around all day and revise?? Like my only pastimes are sixth form, studying, my sports, and a house party or some kind of function every Friday or Saturday night, what do I have to be sad about?!??

Like I’m actually a mess! I haven’t been able to do an exam without my heart rate going about 80 above its usual resting rate at 130, having palpitations prior, and genuinely throwing up and crying like a literal child??? Like at my big age should i really be doing that, I think not!! I’ve gone from never getting below an A in anything to literally leaving half way through every day and crying into exam papers, I was supposed to be applying to Cambridge but I doubt that’s happening!!

Like yes I think my only issue is the odd issue with food which I wouldn’t really class as a problem because I don’t think that it’s that serious 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ like occasionally I’ll binge and then throw up, or just throw up when I’ve eaten something that I regret - so i probably need to kick that habit, but I eat enough anyways so I don’t think that this has a huge huge impact on anything or impact on my quality of life as a whole since it’s kind of my own doing! Same with the cutting issues, I don’t think that it’s that bad and I don’t even have an actual reason to do it - like I just feel like some wierdo because why am I so sad when I don’t have a good reason, and then if I have no reason what is there to change??

I literally cry every single day over absolutely anything, my mum didn’t say that she’d drive safe in the same tone as usual today before she left and I had a cry over that since I’d convinced myself that some horrible accident would happen - like what in the world led me to that conclusion??? And this is like a constant thing with feeling like I’m going to hurt people because of things that I’ve done and I don’t even know what’s causing it???? The only time that I’m not an absolute mess is when I’m either running or cycling since you can’t really have a good cry while dying through tempo sessions 🙈

If anybody has any advice on what I can do about this it’d be greatly appreciated because I fear that I’ve genuinely tried everything, like I cut out processed sugars, tried exercising more, took a deep breath - and nothing is working lolll. Thank you so much in advance for any input!!

Oh my LORD I hope to god that this isn’t just me but lately I’ve been absolutely tweaking out in the middle of every exam that I sit in class, like I’ve gone from getting A*’s in everything to C/B and i literally haven’t had an essay that I haven’t cried in since mocks in April 😝
Like I’m literally leaving sixth form early because I’m having heart palpitations and feeling sick prior to an exam that I’ve revised for and I’m NOT getting into uni at this rate?!
Like is this just a me thing or is anybody else the same because I’m actually getting a tad concerned omg 🙈🙈🙈

I’m constantly always anxious about everything and all I do is cry the second that I’m alone, today was the day that I realised that I need to just get on with it and finally do what I’ve been planning for years, I’m probably going to do it soon, I’m really scared - I don’t even want to die but I feel that this is the only way to escape how I feel.

I can’t put any of how I feel into words face to face, I just resort to saying that everything is all good given the opportunity or I just cry. I want to talk to the school counsellor who i already have a pretty good relationship with due to him working with student leadership which I’m a part of, but I don’t know what I’d say when I walked into his office or how I’d even start talking. I’d like to tell my friends but I’d rather confess to a crime than admit how I feel, I just feel so helpless

I had a panic attack over an exam on Monday and left sixth form early and missed said exam, I went to ask about resitting it and to apologise today and not a word of a lie I just started sobbing and I’m so so embarrassed, like at the ripe old age of 17 should I really be crying like a child over a psychology exam?? I think not. It’s getting so bad, I’m having constant chest pains and throwing up from how anxious I am and I feel like I have no personality anymore and I just want to die. I’m ruining all of my academic potential. I was supposed to be applying to Cambridge later this year but now I can’t even force myself to study and i probably won’t apply to uni. I’m having panic attacks every day now too, which isn’t fun - and then I just cried through the psychology exam when I was resitting it.

I think that I’m probably going to hell over this because I’ve just wasted my life, I’m not even religious but I have a sneaky feeling that I will. I’m most scared about that than anything else. I know that life is beautiful and I’d love to live and to travel around Europe after I finish a levels like I planned but I can’t keep feeling like this. It’s so selfish, I hope that everybody is angry at me rather than upset that I’m dead so I can feel a little less guilty.

My parents think that I’m just being moody and my mum keeps saying “oh your grumpier than usual today” and I don’t have the balls to tell my parents that I think that there’s actually something wrong. I literally don’t leave my room apart from to make myself lunch & dinner and to train - literally the only thing that I’m good at anymore is my sports and that’s the only time when I don’t think.

I’ve given up on my appearance too, i literally haven’t done my makeup for class for literally weeks when previously I hadn’t not any since like year 7, so now I look like an absolute mess as well as feeling like one. There isn’t much point in doing it anyways because it won’t be staying on my face, but nevertheless I quite like to feel pretty but I can’t even fathom bothering to put myself together at this point.
I think that this is the last that people will remember me looking like too, I used to be so fun and now I’m just this.

None of my friends have noticed thankfully, they just think that I’m a little bit stressed with exams and that me constantly looking like an absolute mess is allergies. The only thing I’m allergic to is mushrooms?!!!?? I love them so much and i genuinely just live to love everybody in general but I don’t think that they like me as much now given how I am, so I don’t think that there’s really anybody who can put up with me anymore.
I have a butt ton of cuts on my leg that are infected which I don’t have a clue what to do about because I can’t tell anybody but I’m really scared that it’s going to get worse omg

My grades are tanking and I’m going through the motions of everything now, I only feel normal and like I can communicate properly when I’m drunk - I’m terrified of becoming an alcoholic. It feels so horrible that I’m going to leave everything behind. I know that my parents will be upset - probably not for long though, I don’t think that they like me anymore, I remember their faces when they found out about how bad my eating disorder had gotten a few years back - so this probably won’t feel any better. I’m hoping that my friends aren’t too upset about it and I’m half way through a research paper that I was writing that I won’t end up finishing.
I’m just as miserable as ever but I think that everything looks a little brighter now I know that I won’t see it for much longer.
I don’t think that it can to get better anymore. I think I’m going insane and I just want my mum to like me again and to not be like this, as pathetic as it sounds given that I’ll literally be eighteen next year.

I’m sorry that this is a whole rant and a little incoherent my head is all over the place and the diary factory clearly burned down or something

Hi all! I’m currently posting as I’m having some trouble working out what my maintenance calories are in order to get into a deficit to drop from 130lbs to around 120 ish by mid august ish as I’ve gained quite a bit of weight and I’m currently very insecure of how I look. I’m mainly having trouble since I’m clueless as to what activity level I’d be at on said calculators, since I’m kind of tentative about putting moderate activity since i don’t know what they’d constitute to be moderate???
I haven’t really ever been one to count calories and have usually just maintained my weight by eating whatever, but I kind of crashed out and started stress eating during exam season and gained 10lbs in like 2 months omg

Currently I cycle around 200km/week and get between 8-10k steps most days. Aside from that I’m sat down quite a lot since I’m currently at college. I’m looking to get into running & swimming too, but unfortunately for me I’m lazy and I fear cycling fitness doesn’t feel like it transfers over very well to either of the two 🙈🙈.

If anybody has any advice on what my activity level would be classed as in said tdee calculators it’d be greatly appreciated, thank you!!!!

Hi all! I’m currently looking for a little bit of advice on how I can get over myself and wear the shorts that I’ve had in my wardrobe for months and not just wear my running shorts when I go out at 5am because I’m actually going to boil to death 😇

Ok so essentially I have quite a lot of scarring from cutting on the front of my thighs & going down kind of where your quadriceps stick out a little at the side which goes down to just below half way down my thigh and a lot of them are lowkey purplish for some reason(????), so you can’t really miss it to my dismay.

I’m really quite insecure of how it looks and I know how obvious it is that it’s from that, so I don’t want to make others uncomfortable or grossed out even if everything that you can see is pretty much fully healed. Like yes I do feel like I’ve ruined my body a little but I’m more worried about others than what I think of it. I was on my run at like six this morning and an older guy on a bike who was going quite slowly was genuinely STARING me down, which has put me off even more lololol
I can kind of get past it when I’m doing my sports - I run, cycle, figure skate & swim - as I go with the motto that I can just go faster when I’m going past people so they don’t see & I just skate in patterned tights, but there isn’t much running away when I’m wearing a pair of denim shorts or a skirt to sixth form rather than jeans in 25°C weather🙈🙈.

If anybody has any advice on how I can get over myself or whether it’s worth bothering because i really don’t want to make anybody uncomfortable by how my legs look, but at the same time im kind of desperate to be able to wear shorts again lolll
Any advice is greatly appreciated, thank you in advance!!!!!

Hi all! I’ve recently come to the conclusion that i really do need to start strength training because of A. My knees have began giving me trouble at the ripe old age of seventeen, and B. I want to look leaner, but I kind of need some muscle there for that to happen - I’m particularly lacking anywhere that isn’t my legs lol. I also need to sort my nutrition out because eating back anything that I burn on rides with cake on cafe stops and absolutely anything I want isn’t doing much for me wearing a bikini in august lololol
My main issue is that every time I’ve previously tried lifting I got SO bored, I tried music, I tried podcasts - but I just can’t get behind it. Like yes I can cycle for the whole day on a long ride & do my long runs without headphones in but the second that I have to do something that isn’t constantly moving I literally can’t cope 🙈🙈

If anybody has any advice on how you can actually make yourself enjoy lifting and how I can get leaner it’d be totally appreciated, thank you!!

I haven’t not felt an inexplicable sense of guilt for the past year. Everything I do i genuinely feel so guilty about, I got tickets to a concert that I’ve been waiting for for literally YEARS last week and got all the way up to putting them in my basket before I gave up because I felt horrible that somebody else would miss out on going to the concert because I’d bought the tickets. I’m now severely regretting it because I was planning to go with my friends for my eighteenth birthday but now we have absolutely zero plans.

It’s the same with anything that my parents do for me too. Today they told me that they’re paying for my uni accommodation in full when I move down to London next year, and I know that we can afford it and they wouldn’t offer if they didn’t mean it, but i genuinely feel like such a horrible person even if I’m ridiculously grateful.
Like it’s literally at the point where I’m dreading birthdays because I know that people are going to buy stuff for me even if I say that they don’t need to, and i literally feel so guilty about people wasting their money on me and then I just feel absolutely atrocious every time people literally even wish me a happy birthday, and I absolutely love my birthday but I’m just so guilty about literally existing - I fear this ruined my seventeenth.

I don’t understand why I’m like this, I wish that I wasn’t because i literally can’t enjoy anything anymore without feeling like this.
My friends usually just assume that I’ll pay for stuff since I have a job & get an allowance from my parents plus additional cash from doing odd jobs for people, so i usually just pay if we’re going to a cafe since I feel too bad saying no, but I’m literally struggling to save up for a new road bike that I’ve had my eye on AND more importantly for uni, and I can’t even tell my parents because they’ll just say “don’t worry you won’t see them again in a year!” When that isn’t the point and I just feel like a horrible, disgusting person for refusing and I’m going to have like no friends?!

It isn’t even a money issue anymore, it’s an everything issue. I feel bad for getting a good grade, like i literally cried in the school bathroom last week because i felt awful that I’d gotten an A* on an essay because somebody else was disappointed that they hadn’t gotten what they expected. How is that my problem and why do I feel guilty about my own grade?? There’s no correlation?! And then that same exam I proceeded to have a meltdown about missing a singular mark and then got struck with the same sense of guilt about how others who got the same alphabetical grade being mad because I got less numerical marks but the same grade, and then had a freak out that I wouldn’t get into uni, like what is actually wrong with me oml.

I’m sorry if this doesn’t make any sense or is pure waffle I’m so tired lols this is actually ruining my life and everything that i do and i literally don’t know what to do anymore

I’m not particularly an insecure person by any means usually, I think my face is probably the only redeemable factor for what I’ve done to the rest of myself.
But today I got a glance of my thighs sticking out from beneath my shorts before I went on a run and kind of realised how bad they actually look. I’ve been cutting for years, I started at 11 ish and stopped when I was about 14 until I was 16 and then started again. I’m currently seventeen and my legs look absolutely abysmal, even if you ignore everything that’s fresh - which is covered 99% of the time when I swim or am wearing a skirt - everything else looks disgusting. I never knew that scars could end up raised but apparently they can and don’t even get me started on the rest of them! I can’t even ignore them by wearing a longer skirt either as they literally go down to like 1/4 of the way down my thigh and omg the looks that I get when I’m at the pool are absolutely humiliating. I’ve tried getting lean and building muscle to make them less obvious, I don’t know how that would work but it certainly hasn’t, I just look exactly the same just leaner.

It’s not even what I’ve done to myself that’s visible, we’re pretty sure that I’ve made myself practically infertile from restricting. I’ve never had a consistent period due to restrictive eating going back years and I haven’t had one now for about a year and a half. I’m not dangerously skinny or anything, I just don’t really eat enough to fuel all of my sports and I can’t face actually doing that properly and gaining weight.
I even had my kids names planned out, I wanted to do something within diplomacy and have three kids with a gorgeous house, and now I’m probably never going to be able to do that because my brain feels fried and dumb as a rock no matter how good my grades are and I can’t even have kids, I’ll probably adopt as I was adopted - but it’s still sad nevertheless.

I just don’t even know what to do with myself anymore, my legs look absolutely hideous and I barely even feel like a woman anymore when everybody I know is like “oh I want this many kids when I’ve established my career in the future!” or “Oh my gosh I hate being on my period!”

Lord I’m so over this I’m sorry it’s kinda tmi

Hi all! Apologies about the topic at hand or if I just come off as a weirdo, I’m just freaking out a little lolll.
So essentially I’ve been having some issues with self harm reemerging after about 3 years of not doing it, and I fear that I need to tell my parents before anybody else gets the chance to.

I did it the other day in quite an unfortunate location height-wise on my leg, so every time my skirt for sixth form rolls up just a little when I sit down it’s in full view - not just a couple either, moreso quite a substantial amount going up my leg. I wouldn’t say that it’s that bad since I don’t go super deep and I’m not doing that badly mentally, I’m just very anxious 24/7, but I think from an external perspective (especially from my parents) it looks far worse than it is.
I think that one of my friends has gone to the school counsellor regarding them getting a glimpse before I had a chance to roll my skirt down, so I know that despite me being seventeen, there’s a good chance that my parents are going to end up finding out.

I’m just a little anxious to tell them as I don’t really come across as somebody who would do it, I look and act perfectly fine. And I don’t want them to be mad at me, but moreso I’m worried on what to even do or say since it’s kind of a strange topic.

If anybody has any advice on what to say or do it’d be greatly appreciated, thank you!!

Just a pre warning that this mentions self harm in case that bothers anybody (sorry) !!!

Anyways, I’m just wondering that if my school counsellor saw some recent cuts on my leg when my skirt rolled up a little, will this get back to my family when I’m literally seventeen? I literally got an email asking to pop in to see him tomorrow and I’m very frightened lolll.

So essentially, me and my friend popped into his office to ask about my predicted grades since I needed to see if there would be any chances before early application to get one up to an A*. I sat down on one of the chairs in the office - kind of a little sofa situation??- and after about a minute and noticing him glancing down I saw that my skirt had rolled up a little & a good couple of the fresh-ish cuts on my leg were out in the open.

Aside from how constantly anxious I am about everything that’s ever happened & the whole cutting thing I’m perfectly fine (which I really don’t think is that bad, I’ve definitely gotten a little better since I used to do it every day and now it’s only a couple times/week)!! And I don’t really come across as feeling like I do and doing that since my grades are good, I do like 4 sports, & I’m still myself and you can literally hear me before you see me, so I’m not exactly isolating myself or anything. I’m kind of hoping that that’s able to plead my case that I’m absolutely fine and there’s nothing to worry about and this certainly doesn’t need to get back to my family. But I’m unsure of the guidelines for this kind of stuff given that I’m over sixteen but still a minor??

Like this is nothing against my parents - I love them dearly and tell them literally everything else going on with me and my life, I just don’t want to be seen differently or people to act like I’m going to do something worse to myself when I’m not. Also I’m rather embarrassed?!

If anybody knows what the guidelines are for disclosing this kind of stuff to family or what I could possibly do to avoid that it’d be greatly appreciated because I’m absolutely freaking out!! Thank you!!!!

Hi all! To cut to the point, I’ve been binging for the past couple months and have gained around 18lbs from it. I was initially doing it and then restricting afterwards, but that just made it worse. I’ve managed to get to the point where it’s like once weekly, but I’m actually at my wits end with it.

I think it’s caused by under eating the day prior, because yesterday I walked about 14km & cycled around 40k on about 1800 calories, but I’m unsure if that’s too low or not - but I’m assuming that it is based on today’s situation. I’m only trying to lose another 8lbs to get down to 120lbs, but I’m kind of worried that I’m ruining my progress as I went like 750 over my deficit today and I feel too much like I’m going to vomit to even go on a run like I planned to 🙈.

I’m just so baffled as to how I should work out my deficit so I can stop this and I’m kind of lost for what else to try to stop me from doing this because I’m so over it. I’m literally eating like 120g of protein and 30g of fibre and nothing seems to be working. If anybody has any advice on how to stop or how to sort out my maintenance calories it’d be greatly appreciated, thank you!!!

Hi all! I’m posting as I’m wondering if it’d be worth making a GP appointment or not, since I don’t think that I’m exactly at imminent risk of hurting myself or anybody else and I’ve kind of come to terms with everything going on in my head

So for context and to put it simply, I’m absolutely miserable and have been almost consistently since mid-covid, it’s always been something looming over me and I fear that this is something that I’ve kind of accepted won’t be going away. I don’t think that I’m making it to 21, I’m getting my degree after I start uni & then I’m done - but I’m currently 17 and have a couple years until then so I’m debating if there’s much point in making one since I’ve kind of accepted that I’ll always feel like this. I’ve attempted numerous times since this began and lied my way out of talking to anybody about this, I don’t know how anybody in my family or at A&E believed me on any of the occasions but good lord ok

I debated making an appointment about this literally last week and I’ve been contemplating and stressing over this for ages as I don’t want to be a time waster especially with people struggling to get appointments atm, but I’m quite unnerved with how it seems to be getting even worse than usual lately, but I do realise that this sounds quite concerning and I’m probably not as emotive about this as I should be?? I’m about as emotionally expressive as a fart, which probably doesn’t help 🙈🙈. I don’t want this to get back to my family either, I’m not sure if it would given that I haven’t engaged in any SH related behaviours in a few months, but I’m literally so scared since I’m not 18 until next year so I’m unsure what the regulations regarding disclosure to family is lol

Like I think the only kind of worrying thing for me that’s out of the ordinary is how frequently I’m having panic attacks lately, but I think that’s just this combined with stressing over sixth form since i literally have like 5 months until early application 🤷‍♀️. I think it’s kind of causing heart palpitations or something or maybe I’m just dying because it keeps going from 50 to like 140 while I’m sat down??? Like what????

Hi all! I’m currently about 127lbs and trying to drop down to 120 ish as I used to weigh that much but had a little too much fun over winter, but I’ve been having some trouble with knowing whether I’ve gained a ridiculous amount of fat overnight or if it’s water retention, because I’m really quite concerned.
This morning I weighed myself, I don’t usually weigh in every day - but today I was a little curious, and weighed in at around 129lbs. I ate 1400 calories yesterday & my tdee yesterday was around 2300 ish as I cycled about 25k & got my steps in.

I fear if it is water retention it may be from exercise & cycling but I didn’t even go that far by what I usually do since I felt like I’d been sat down all day and needed to do some exercise, but I find it strange how something which didn’t feel particularly strenuous can cause such a huge amount of water retention??
I typically only weigh myself once every blue moon & eat whatever so I’m not sure if this is a normal thing for me or not since I haven’t been seeing this on the scale previously.

If anybody has any advice on how I can either get rid of this water retention or reduce it going forward it’d be greatly appreciated, thank you!!

Hi all!! I’m having a major kerfuffle in reaching out for help with some issues that I’ve been having lately with disordered eating.

Without going into the nitty gritty because this is gross to even think about I genuinely haven’t gone a day without purging for weeks, and it’s not that I even binge eat - I’m still restricting, but i genuinely guarantee that every time I eat either lunch, dinner or a snack that is NOT staying in my stomach. And then if I don’t and I regret something I’m genuinely just tweaking out over it for the rest of the day, like literally pacing around the house and I’m starting to realise that i actually have a problem even if I’m not THAT underweight. And then I keep having panic attacks almost weekly at this point and I don’t know if it’s related but I’m really quite scared that it might be but I don’t know
It’s at the point where i genuinely can’t focus if I don’t do it and I regret something, I’ve genuinely had lessons when I left 5 minutes in to go throw up when I tried to leave my lunch until the end of the period before to eat it so I’d be distracted enough in class not to think about the fact that I ate.
Like I’m trying to not finish myself off with this because truth be told I do actually want to go to uni next year and I’m very very excited, so I do take electrolytes and stuff & brush my teeth but I’m genuinely so scared that it’s gonna like kill me or something?!!

I’m normally far too confident in talking to people - like I’ll talk to a brick wall, I accidentally turned a 15 minute presentation into a 40 minute one the other day, yada yada basically you can hear me before you see me, but I’m probably the least expressive person ever when it comes to talking about how I feel because quite frankly I’m very embarrassed!!

I was debating talking to the school counsellor at sixth form since we already get along quite well after I went to him with my friend because we were incredibly concerned about our other friend & we’ve had encounters with me being on student leadership and etcetera.
But i just can’t face actually bringing up the topic. Like in the sense that I don’t know what I’d say when I walked in, how I’d say that I needed to talk to him, how I’d bring up the whole eating thing??? I feel like I need to write myself a script or something oml, like I’ve never been so scared of talking in my entire 17 years of life!!

While what I’m going to say is definitely my largest concern, I’m also worried about what would happen afterwards?! Like is this going to get back to my parents?? They’re not home a ton since my dad is 50/50 between here and his company’s location in the USA and my mum is in London like half of the time too, so I don’t think that they’ve really noticed how bad it has gotten and my the rest of my family haven’t either and I feel really bad worrying them and I can’t deal with people being concerned about me. I think that it’s more of an ego thing but who knows, I just don’t want anybody’s pity and them to see me differently.

If anybody has any advice as to what to say it’d be greatly appreciated, I’m probably going to go when I grow a pair and don’t give up when I’m about 20 feet from the office door 🙈🙈 hopefully before the summer holidays lol
Sorry if this is a bunch of waffle which seems very ironic when I’m stuck on what to say

This is so embarrassing because I’m not even that underweight and admitting “oh yeah I can’t stop making myself throw up!” Is just weird
But i genuinely can’t stop purging almost every day, like every single time I’m home alone and end up eating something I GUARANTEE that isn’t staying in my stomach. Like I literally just ate lunch and I’m absolutely itching to go just throw up but I’m trying not to do it but oh my god I’m genuinely tweaking out. And I know that it’s bad for me which is the scary part and I just don’t know what to do about this anymore because I think it’s actually getting out of control
I’m sorry if this is weird or isn’t allowed on here I’m just so stuck on what to do