u/sososweet2

I think I'm obsessive but also avoidant. I tend to become obsessed with someone in particular and want to know everything about them. I want them to be mine, and for only me to know them well and make them happy. But when this person shows they love me, I don't like it very much. I don't like the idea of ​​someone knowing all my flaws. I want this person to love me; I fantasize about them loving me and giving me their attention. but, when it becomes real, it causes me a feeling of rejection because I don't want them to know what I'm really like. Honestly, I think this comes from my self hate

I feel intensely, but ironically, I often don't know what I'm feeling. I feel rage; I want to scream, to hurt the people who anger me, but I manage to restrain myself. I also feel sadness, a sadness so intense it suffocates me. These are the two emotions I can regularly identify, It's exhausting that the emotions I feel most, or at least recognize, are the most negative. This makes me feel like a tornado, messy and disastrous. Even when I think I feel something purer, like love, I realize it's not real. I like knowing that someone loves me, wants me, but when it becomes too real for me, I distance myself. And when I distance myself, I end up with a strange feeling of contradiction. I don't know myself, and I don't want anyone else to. Even when I try to be genuine, I always feel like I was fake, that I wasn't authentic.

Do you have a s/o that isn't a real person or character in this reality? Something like an oc (original character). In my case, I have one! I would love it if you could tell me about a s/o like this if you have one.

My s/o is a kitsune who is fully aware that I am a shifter and is completely okay with that :D

Sorry if my english is bad

Every time I'm doing a method, some part of my body itches unbearably or I feel the need to move. Does this happen to anyone else? My leg also sometimes spasms and moves on its own

I've noticed that many autistic people experience a type of loneliness they can't explain. I discovered that this experience is called epistemic loneliness, so I wanted to share this information so you can understand what many of you go through. Epistemic loneliness occurs when, even surrounded by affection and other people, we feel that a part of us remains alone this is because listening isn't always understanding. Sometimes those who love us listen, but they don't understand us; they don't follow the mental map that led us to a certain conclusion or idea. Epistemic loneliness doesn't disappear when more people appear, but rather when we feel a connection, when we feel mentally understood.

I recommend researching this if you identify with it, as it can help you understand yourself better.