u/theythemthen

40NB

The title question is basically it. I’m curious how having breast cancer might complicate a trans man’s pursuit for top surgery.

My background is that I am 40 years old and want top surgery. If you live in the USA and have breast tissue, 40 years old is when you get your first routine mammogram. I got my first mammogram 2 weeks ago. There was a questionable spot, so today I had a more thorough mammogram and an ultrasound. The questionable spot is still questionable. I think the doctor called it a nodule. I’m scheduled for a biopsy this week on Thursday. The doctor said he would numb the area then do a needle aspiration (not sure if that’s the right word) the nodule, then leave some sort of marker so they will know in the future where the last biopsy was.

I’m expecting it to be benign, but hypothetically if it is malignant, how will this impact or change my plans for top surgery.

I’d be cool with a full and complete mastectomy. But I think with top surgery, some breast tissue is left to ensure what’s left looks like a natal man’s chest. But a full-on mastectomy removed ALL breast tissue, right? I think I’d be chill with that…

Anyway… I’m just thinking thoughts and wanted to ask random internet strangers to chime in.

Please be kind.

(Also, I’m not too worried; I expect it to be benign, but I’m now curious)

What can I do to remind myself to turn my device off?

Hello! I am the survivor of a crime committed by an ex-partner. I want to share the crime because I want the recommendations to hit that note. It’s was a >!drug-facilitated sexual assault!<, >!false imprisonment!<, >!sexual battery!<, and >!harassment!<.

I have filed and was granted a domestic violence temporary restraining order. The hearing to finalize the restraining order is this week 7/30/2026 at 08:30 PDT.

A songs that are already in rotation:

• “Praying” by Kesha

• “Body” by Jordan Suaste

• “The Place Where He Inserted the Blade” by Black Country, New Road.

—-

The energy I’m feeling is more the “The Place Where He Inserted the Blade”, it feels chaotic in the way my body feels chaotic. I like “Praying” because of how it emotes strength and growth. But I don’t like “Praying” because I don’t give a fück about my perpetrator, so I don’t want songs that are nice. What I mean is that I am not praying for my perpetrator. I hope they are scared, idgaf if they are changing.

Like, I want to scream, “Fück you! You thought you could hurt me but you didn’t!” But I also want to scream “I have been >!raped!<!!! My body feels foreign to me! I hate you!” And finally I want to scream “I am in charge of my healing process. You broke me but I am not unfixable. I take my power back. And you are going to get what you deserve!”

——

I don’t know if this helps with recommendations, but some more information about me:

I am 40 years old. A millennial’s millennial. I was emo in high school. My chemical romance was my jam, but actually incubus was my favorite band (I actually have a crow left of the murder themed artwork in my house). Um, I’m also a transgender MAN, so even though I know that most >!rape!< survivors are women, I am not a woman. I don’t mind songs from a female perspective, but gender neutral or first person perspective is A+.

Um… okay, that’s all. I know I gave a lot of information, but it was intended to give multiple points of inspiration for you. All the info is not intended to create a super narrow far too niche request for recommendations.

I’m located in California. The question is in the title.

I’ve seen a status that says “Open” “Active” and “In Progress”, and I can figure out that the Restrained Party has not been served yet, but what is the difference between “Open” and “Active”?

Also, the particular sheriff department that is serving my TRO (I am the Protected Party), will attempt to serve the paperwork three times before they return the paperwork back to me, so if an attempt is unsuccessful, what would that status most likely show as?

Notes:

• I understand that each jurisdiction is different, so maybe slightly different words will be used.

• I’ve been all over the agency’s website and cannot find an explanation on the status. I could be blind (figuratively).

• I’ve also used search engines to find an explanation for the different statuses, and I must not be using the best search terms or phrases.

~~

Thank you in advance for your help, please be kind. If you don’t know the answers, but can point me in the right direction that would be helpful.

Many of those babies would be adults now. I am so curious if they knew they were on Maury as babies and/or if the results aired on the show ended up impacting their life significantly.

Is it possible to have lab orders canceled after they have been released?

Alternatively, can the expiration date for the orders be updated after the orders were released?

I had inappropriate labs ordered, and for reasons that are not necessary (and to avoid a long story) I will not be doing those labs. I have a few medical conditions that require regular lab work (every 90-120 days), so I don’t want to have to tell the check-in staff every time that “I am here to do these labs but not those labs.”

I had called the clinic to note the problem with the order and the staff member told me that they couldn’t cancel the order, so my only option is to wait until the order expires. I asked what the expiration date for the lab was, and the staff member told me that there was no expiration date. So what am I supposed to do? 🤷🏻‍♂️

Additional question: I know that lab orders most likely have a default or automatic expiration date regardless of whether the provider enters an expiration date, is that default expiration different per office or healthcare system or is it pretty standard? And if relevant, what is that default timeline for an order to be active? 6 weeks? 90 days?

Thanks for your help!

View Poll

Okay, listen, I have been in my car since 2023. I started in a 2013 Mazda 5 and now I’m in a 2017 Chrysler Pacifica Hybrid.

Over the years, I’ve slowly started acquiring things and now my car is too damn full!

I’m trying to figure out how to approach shedding my excess sh!t! Every time I go through my stuff I justify keeping everything!

What advice can you give? What logic do you use?

I know people say only keep the essentials, but I can convince myself that everything I have is essential, so how do you decide what is essential?

Would any of y’all be interested in me sharing some pictures and then I invite y’all to help me decide what to get rid of?

I’m really struggling here. I’m not typically or historically a hoarder, but car life requires a level of minimalism that I have never mastered (even years later).

Also, perhaps not a surprise in this group, but I’m a bit of a loner and isolated so I don’t have anyone local that I can ask to help me out.

Thanks in advance for your help!! Please be kind (I know I’m not a newbie, but please treat me like a newbie)

I’ve changed insurance which resulted in having to change psychiatrists.

At my visit with my new doctor he asked me about my ADHD diagnosis and med. It seemed as if he were questioning my diagnosis.

Then he was questioning my medication. It is a stimulant. He asked if I was taking mini breaks from the med, for example not taking the med on the weekend. I told him no, I take the med everyday. My previous psychiatrist had told me that those mini breaks were an option. I didn’t understand it as mandatory.

Then he went back to questioning my diagnosis criteria and questioning what benefits I get from the medication. I answered as best I could.

At the moment I am unemployed which he knows so then he asked why I was even taking the medication at all since I don’t have work. For me, I feel like I cannot function at all without the med. I have zero focus without. I am also applying for jobs, so I am trying to put all my energy there.

He had me show when I last refilled the medication (again I was changing providers so he did not have that info easily available), and show how many tabs I had left. I refilled the medication on 4/30/26, that appointment was on 6/4/26 and I had 1 pill left. He seemed shocked that I wasn’t abusing my medications. (I could be projecting because I was getting upset but that’s what his reaction felt like).

At the end of the meeting he said that he would approve a refill this time but might not next time.

I’m upset about this, but I feel like if I argue with the psychiatrist about this then it will look like I am an addict or something. It just feels like I’m damned if I do something about this situation and I’m damned if I do nothing.

Quick background:

Hello, I’m a 40 year old nonbinary trans-masculine human. When it comes to my family of origin, I am the 5th child of 8 children. We grew up Mormon living in conservative Utah.

As I have matured as a person, I have become very sex positive, insomuch that I engage in peer-to-peer education groups. I am very knowledgeable of sexual activities, even the very rare. My personal advocacy goals are to help consenting adults do what they want safely and with intention. I’m very much about a “harm reduction” approach to adult fun activities.

Back to my family, over the years, everyone in my family has left the Mormon church, but they have not all left conservative ideas behind. I have become estranged from every single person in my family of origin. I have either no contact or low contact with my family of origin.

Last July (July 2025), my brother-in-law passed away, and I decided to attend the funeral. While there I somewhat reconnected with a few siblings. During my time with my family there were many conversations, and some of the conversations included me giving sexual health advice and sharing a few interesting facts about sexual health.

End of background.

——

Fast forward to today, my youngest sibling, “Jennifer” called me randomly. The number was not recognized on my phone, so I almost didn’t answer. Jennifer got a new phone and phone number so she was letting me the update.

Then we got to chatting, and she told me that she got a UTI which she didn’t seek treatment right away and it ended up becoming a kidney infection. The UTI was because of the kind of sex she had.

I talked to her about best practices to prevent that (specifically not going from back to front if you know what I mean).

Later we were talking about Jennifer going to the gynecologist and how she was treated. She lives in small town in Utah, and she felt very judged by her gynecologist. She made a statement about women navigating the healthcare system and how gynecologists should do better because they only treat women.

Then I said, “that’s not true. I’m a guy and I see the gynecologist.”

Then Jennifer just laughed and laughed like I had said the funniest thing in the world. She seriously laughed for what felt like a minute.

I was frustrated, but knowing my family, I knew I would be wasting my energy if I tried to reason/educate Jennifer.

I just get so frustrated, I already rarely talk to my family, and part of this is because they think all they have to do is call me by my new name. There is more to being trans than just a name change. Me saying that I’m a dude who goes to the gynecologist should not be humorous.

I just needed to vent.

Thanks for reading if you read this far.

I had shared this in another subreddit, but I’m still so mad about this, I’m needing to express my feelings more. Thank you in advance for reading.

TL;DR -skip past the background info.

———

Some background first:

I am located in the USA.

I have worked in healthcare for almost 18 years (on the administrative side), and for the last 9 years I have worked with Epic EMR. Many hospital systems use this for their record keeping.

I’m very familiar with how to ensure that my medical info is accurately documented. I know way more about what providers can or cannot do. One thing that I am specifically aware of is that the provider can amend or edit their clinic notes. Because I know this, I will regularly check my clinic notes for my past visits and if I find that a provider misgendered me, I will actually call the office or message the provider that they need to make the corrections to their clinic notes. I also remind them that my gender (X) and pronouns (they/them) are documented on my profile and actually appear on the snapshot of my patient profile. Regardless of what information you are looking up or what tab you have open or what task you are trying to complete, there is a patient snapshot that appears as a column on the left side of the computer monitor. That patient snapshot includes the patient’s legal name, preferred name or nickname, legal gender, gender identity, and pronouns.

So if the hospital system uses Epic EMR and they continually misgender or deadname you, please know that they are being willfully ignorant or horribly negligent. [Edit for correction: Not all hospital/healthcare systems are required to allow nonbinary as a gender option. It is a modality that the system can choose and does not cost them extra money. I will add that if you live in a state that has passed legislation permitting a nonbinary gender option on legal documents then it is very likely that the hospital/healthcare system will include the nonbinary gender option and it will show on the patient snapshot. I worked at a catholic healthcare system in California and even they had a nonbinary gender option despite being a religious-affiliated system. A user in another subreddit pointed this out to me. So my apologies, not EVERY Epic EMR client will include the nonbinary gender option so depending on the state you live in, it may increase the likelihood of trans-inclusive documentation.]

For me, I feel a sense of advocacy for our community to call out the provider or staff member when they make that error. I am usually kind, patient and polite. I will tell them where they can find that information and I will invite them to treat me with dignity.

In my case, I have done everything I can to have my gender documented in my record. I have all the diagnoses required for gender care, I have enrolled with my hospital system’s gender care program, I take gender affirming HRT. So from a medical/clinical perspective, I try to make it obvious that I am nonbinary. Quick clarification: I do not think all nonbinary people need to do this. Everyone has their own needs and goals. I’m just sharing what I have done, and my sharing of what I have done is not intended to be prescriptive.

Additionally, I have legally changed my name and gender (X). So my legal name IS my preferred name (YAY!) And my legal gender IS my gender identity (woohoo!).

Finally, I have selected: “choose not to disclose” with regard to the question about what sex I was assigned at birth. Instead, I ask my provider to do an organ inventory. Which is: Do you have ovaries? Do you have a prostate? Instead of: Were you born female? Were you born male?

———

Now onto my rant from 2-JUNE-2026:

I saw a clinician yesterday and they misgendered me in the visit notes. Very annoying, but not a huge deal. I call the medical office and let the staff know that the clinician misgendered me and needs to amend my visit notes.

The staff asked me how the clinician misgendered me, I (slightly annoyed) said that the clinician used “she” and “her” pronouns in my clinic notes. Then the staff asked me what pronouns should have been used, and I took the opportunity to confirm that my demographics were already available in my chart. I asked “Can you tell me what my chart says with regard to my gender and pronouns?” And the staff member said, “it’s says that you are nonbinary and use they/them pronouns.” I say thank you and let her know that is what needs to be reflected in my notes.

An hour later, I check my clinic notes, and found that the clinician effectively did a malicious compliance thing. My notes went from saying something like “Patient reports that she has been prescribed a new medication and her side effects are unmanageable…” to “Patient reports that they/them has been prescribed a new medication and they/them side effects has been unmanageable…”

The clinician replaced every instance of “she” with “they/them”, and the clinician replaced every instance of “her” with “they/them”.

🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

I have actually filed an official grievance. Again, this is because I feel as sense of responsibility to advocate for our community to support the kind of changes we need. I want the clinician to receive supplementary training on how to treat LGBTQ+ patients with dignity. I don’t want him fired, just trained better. I hope filing this complaint will help.

BUT IT IS SO F’ING RIDICULOUS!! It’s basic grammar!!! How in the F has that clinician received graduate level education and not know basic grammar?!?

Okay, ranting over.

——

UPDATE from 3-JUNE-2026:

So the clinician called me. By the end of the call my clinic notes were updated; however, I left that call feeling so very frustrated. Here are my reasons:

(1) he said that the first time he did my notes that he used he/him/his pronouns because my chart indicates that I’m FtM. —Nope, he did not do that. The clinician used she/her pronouns originally.

(2) He did not understand what he did wrong because he corrected the record the way my message indicated. He said the note he received stated that my pronouns were “they/them” and he updated the chart as instructed with “they/them” as my pronoun. —— This comment pisses me off beyond belief. This makes my blood boil. I wish I could accurately express just how mad this makes me, but this summary is the best I can do.

(3) when I tried to explain how singular they/them/their/theirs work, with the hopes that he would be able to understand and independently update the clinic notes, he interrupted me stating that he doesn’t need to be educated and that I just need to dictate each and every correction. So on the phone, I read each sentence and instructed him on each and every correction that needs to be made.

(4) unrelated to the pronoun situation, I had other issues with our call, it was just horrible. He tried to gaslight me and he denied certain things were said, and tried to suggest that my expectations of him were unreasonable.

He has lit a fire in me, so I am no longer willing to give him any benefit of the doubt. I have already filed a grievance, and I am waiting for a call from his supervisor.

🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

Some background first:

I am located in the USA.

I have worked in healthcare for almost 18 years (on the administrative side), and for the last 9 years I have worked with Epic EMR. Many hospital systems use this for their record keeping.

I’m very familiar with how to ensure that my medical info is accurately documented. I know way more about what providers can or cannot do. One thing that I am specifically aware of is that the provider can amend or edit their clinic notes. Because I know this, I will regularly check my clinic notes for my past visits and if I find that a provider misgendered me, I will actually call the office or message the provider that they need to make the corrections to their clinic notes. I also remind them that my gender (X) and pronouns (they/them) are documented on my profile and actually appear on the snapshot of my patient profile. Regardless of what information you are looking up or what tab you have open or what task you are trying to complete, there is a patient snapshot that appears as a column on the left side of the computer monitor. That patient snapshot includes the patient’s legal name, preferred name or nickname, legal gender, gender identity, and pronouns.

So if the hospital system uses Epic EMR and they continually misgender or deadname you, please know that they are being willfully ignorant or horribly negligent. [Edit: Thank you abbey-sometimes for pointing out that not all hospital/healthcare systems are required to allow nonbinary (X) as a gender option. It is a modality that the system can choose and does not cost them extra money. I will add that if you live in a state that has passed legislation permitting a nonbinary (X) gender option on legal documents then it is very likely that the hospital/healthcare system will include the nonbinary (X) gender option and it will show on the patient snapshot. I worked at a catholic healthcare system in California and even they had a nonbinary (X) gender option despite being a religious-affiliated system. So my apologies, not EVERY Epic EMR client will include the nonbinary (X) gender option so depending on the state you live in, it may increase the likelihood of trans-inclusive documentation.]

For me, I feel a sense of advocacy for our community to call out the provider or staff member when they make that error. I am usually kind, patient and polite. I will tell them where they can find that information and I will invite them to treat me with dignity.

In my case, I have done everything I can to have my gender documented in my record. I have all the diagnoses required for gender care, I have enrolled with my hospital system’s gender care program, I take gender affirming HRT. So from a medical/clinical perspective, I try to make it obvious that I am nonbinary. Quick clarification: I do not think all nonbinary people need to do this. Everyone has their own needs and goals. I’m just sharing what I have done, and my sharing of what I have done is not intended to be prescriptive.

Additionally, I have legally changed my name and gender (X). So my legal name IS my preferred name (YAY!) And my legal gender IS my gender identity (woohoo!).

Finally, I have selected: “choose not to disclose” with regard to the question about what sex I was assigned at birth. Instead, I ask my provider to do an organ inventory. Which is: Do you have ovaries? Do you have a prostate? Instead of: Were you born female? Were you born male?

——

Now onto my vent:

I saw a clinician today and they misgendered me in the visit notes. Very annoying, but not a huge deal. I call the medical office and let the staff know that the clinician misgendered me and needs to amend my visit notes.

The staff asked me how the clinician misgendered me, I (slightly annoyed) said that the clinician used “she” and “her” pronouns in my clinic notes. Then the staff asked me what pronouns should have been used, and I took the opportunity to confirm that my demographics were already available in my chart. I asked “Can you tell me what my chart says with regard to my gender and pronouns?” And the staff member said, “it’s says that you are nonbinary and use they/them pronouns.” I say thank you and let her know that is what needs to be reflected in my notes.

An hour later, I check my clinic notes, and found that the clinician effectively did a malicious compliance thing. My notes went from saying something like “Patient reports that she has been prescribed a new medication and her side effects are unmanageable…” to “Patient reports that they/them has been prescribed a new medication and they/them side effects has been unmanageable…”

The clinician replaced every instance of “she” with “they/them”, and the clinician replaced every instance of “her” with “they/them”.

🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

I have actually filed an official grievance. Again, this is because I feel as sense of responsibility to advocate for our community to support the kind of changes we need. I want the clinician to receive supplementary training on how to treat LGBTQ+ patients with dignity. I don’t want him fired, just trained better. I hope filing this complaint will help.

BUT IT IS SO F’ING RIDICULOUS!! It’s basic grammar!!! How in the F has that clinician received graduate level education and not know basic grammar?!?

Okay, venting over.

——

UPDATE:

So the clinician called me. By the end of the call my clinic notes were updated; however, I left that call feeling so very frustrated. Here are my reasons:

(1) he said that the first time he did my notes that he used he/him/his pronouns because my chart indicates that I’m FtM. —Nope, he did not do that. The clinician used she/her pronouns originally.

(2) He did not understand what he did wrong because he corrected the record the way my message indicated. He said the note he received stated that my pronouns were “they/them” and he updated the chart as instructed with “they/them” as my pronoun. —— This comment pisses me off beyond belief. This makes my blood boil. I wish I could accurately express just how mad this makes me, but this summary is the best I can do.

(3) when I tried to explain how singular they/them/their/theirs work, with the hopes that he would be able to understand and independently update the clinic notes, he interrupted me stating that he doesn’t need to be educated and that I just need to dictate each and every correction. So on the phone, I read each sentence and instructed him on each and every correction that needs to be made.

(4) unrelated to the pronoun situation, I had other issues with our call, it was just horrible. He tried to gaslight me and he denied certain things were said, and tried to suggest that my expectations of him were unreasonable.

He has lit a fire in me, so I am no longer willing to give him any benefit of the doubt. I have already filed a grievance, and I am waiting for a call from his supervisor.

🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

I have recently moved* and haven’t updated my address everywhere yet. My AppleCash app is restricted because I haven’t been able to verify my identity.

*when I say I’ve moved, I am technically couch surfing and this has made my ability to verify my identity on the app a bit complicated.

I have a PO Box that I have used for several years, but I know I can’t use that.

I am not sure if I should use my old physical address.

So I guess my questions are:

• Is the address part of the identity verification compared against something, like say your address as noted with the DMV?

• If so, how long would it take the system to update? So, if I update my address at the DMV, should I wait a week before retrying to verify my identity? I hope this question and the logic behind the question makes sense.

• Are they just verifying that the address is a physical address? I’m potentially moving back with my parents, so I was pondering using their address. But that is not set in stone. I don’t want to commit fraud, so that’s why I have questions. And I do want to understand the identity verification more, specifically the address part.

Thanks for all your help. Please be kind. Please remember which subreddit we are in, so please keep comments related to AppleCash. I’m not looking for life advice. Thank you in advance for understanding.