u/tonyway7293

Both suck.

With ghosting, you know where you stand (once you accept).

With breadcrumbing, it is prolonged abuse.

I met this girl through a friend of a friend. We went on a few dates, had sex, pretty good vibes. She eventually (and no, not immediately after we had sex), started to increase the silence between text responses. Eventually, it would go days. Then, she would come back around with some BS excuse about being busy ("Hey!! How are you? I'm sorry I was super busy lately, wanna grab a drink tonight?"). Would just pop back up out of no where and expect me to just grab drinks with her that same night. At first, I did this. We would grab drinks, "catch up", and then days turn into weeks. Very minimal contact.

I learned not to chase. To match that energy. Eventually, she would come back around ("Hey!! Sorry I have been so busy with helping my mom with things, how are you?"). I would stupidly respond, only for conversation to drift, and drift, and then drift right back to days of silence.

Self-respect people. I find this behavior extremely inconsiderate and toxic.

I was riding some back country roads today and I was on a 45 mph road. I was probably doing 55. A Jeep Grand Cherokee came right up on me outta nowhere. I check my mirrors frequently. This one came up quick.

Jeep is right up on me but it’s not a regular tailgater. This person would back way off for a bit and then come right up. Swerving, back, forward. Very erratic. They were not flashing their lights. But when they got close they got CLOSE!

I swallowed my pride and pulled over. I notice them continuing to drive very erratic almost crashing into the car in front of them now.

This was around 9am. Not sure if they were drunk, on drugs, having some disorder or what. It didn’t seem like a road rager but someone under the influence possibly.

Regardless, it felt like this person was trying to kill me. Keep the crazies in front of you if you can!

Almost every time I go out riding some nice country backroads, some idiot in a cager crosses solid yellow on a blind corner. Infuriating!

Friendly reminder to hug the outside on those blind corners. These idiots want to kill you!

A good friend of mine asked this question after my divorce. It's a great question.

Honestly, I don't even know why. I had to pay her half the equity of my home, lost the dogs, lost other assets, lost time and took on a bunch of emotional damage after discovering her affairs. The wedding was like $30k or so.

I could have just had FWBs situations or a long term gf.

I feel so much for you guys going through the bullshit with children involved.

For me however, I feel like I made a very costly dumb decision to get married without having any intention of having children anyway.

Wasteful.

How do you guys feel about this?

More than a year out since my now ex-wife ripped the rug right out from under me. 10 years together and 5 married. I asked for transparency and complete honesty when I gathered several pieces of evidence that point towards infidelity or I would not want to continue any longer. She instantly filed for divorce, painted me black, implemented DARVO tactics, and that was that. Divorce finalized this past March. I'm assuming my firm request for transparency was perceived "abandonment" and I was now an "enemy".

Something I am reflecting on that I believe makes it so hard for us to move on from these abusers is not so much the cheating, lying, etc. It's the intensity of the *friendship*. Let me explain:

Forget the marriage. Forget being sexually active together etc. Just look at this from a pure friendship/companionship dynamic.

My ex-wife had no friends. None. A few acquaintances that she may see 2-3 times a year but that was it. I was her friend. I was her world. Her wedding party consisted of her sister as the maid of honor and my two sisters (whom she never even really ever connected with) as her bridesmaids. At the time, I never really cared. Now, it is another piece of small evidence that comes together to paint a big picture of dysfunction. I am not saying if you have a lot of friends that makes you a better person.... that can be a problem in other ways. But I believe that by 30, if you failed to make at least one solid meaningful friendship with someone.... that may reflect poorly on you. My ex-wife had constant problems with co-workers, family members, neighbors, patients at work.... the list goes on. Always the victim.

However, the dynamic we had (again, not from a marriage or sexual aspect but purely friendship) was pure bliss. Ying to the yang. It felt natural. It felt alive. It felt pure. She just "got" me. She got my humor. She understood a lot about me. I have had a few people since the divorce, throw out the "P" word at me. That word is Pedestal. People were just as dumbfounded as I was when the marriage ended. Several thought she put me on a "pedestal" and I could do no wrong. She kept me up there for quite a while.

She latched onto my identity as she had really no hobbies or identity of her own. In the very early stages of our relationship, she did try to latch onto my friend groups. Slowly overtime, she detached.

Nearly every single one of my family members and friends admitted to not really liking her demeanor. They always felt something was off with her and that she wasn't a very warm person to be around. Something I honestly didn't notice in the moment.

I was her sole focus (until the infidelity). Eventually, I think me wanting to do healthy natural things like socializing with my friends and family, taking motorcycle trips (initially she did them with me but once we got married, she stopped), working on projects around the house, she started to feel that perceived abandonment. I don't think I did my best to ensure I was pulling 100% of what I could have in the last few years emotionally for her, I recognize that, but we still spent a lot of time together, had a decent sex life (although it started to deteriorate during the affairs) and were doing quite "well" (so I thought). Still doing date nights at least once a week, planning trips together etc (we booked a trip to Lake George in the very end right before the divorce... trip cancelled of course).

I have dated off/on since. Something I notice is that "connection" just isn't there. Maybe that's the lack of the "love bombing" or false self of someone that doesn't have this disorder. Maybe this bit of "dullness" in dating is actually "normal"? That connection I am referring to is that feeling of "wow, this person REALLY gets me!".

To summarize, I think what hurts the most with these relationships is that the pure bliss connection you thought you had was completely fraudulent. The biggest betrayal to me is now knowing this connection had an expiration date from the very beginning. I thoroughly enjoyed not just being her husband/lover but more-so her friend. She lost yet, another friend....

One year out from my divorce.

I know damn well I was “good supply”…. Otherwise we wouldn’t have lasted 10 years (5 of that married).

She started a GLP-1, lost a bunch of weight and started f**cking other men while still trying to act like a loving stable wife (planning trips with me, having sex with me, date nights with me etc... all the way up until the very end). When I told her it was unacceptable and I will end things if she doesn’t come clean and be 100% transparent after I started gathering evidence of her behavior, I guess that triggered her “abandonment wounds” or possibly "narcissistic injury" and she discarded me heavy and instantly filed for divorce. Implemented heavy DARVO tactics during that period. It was disgusting. Never had I ever seen her like that. It was all very quick and abrupt. The only thing she admitted to was enjoying the newfound confidence and attention from other men after she lost the weight. She never owned up to the actual cheating.

You know what, maybe those guys plowed her better…. It is what it is. That was the supply she wanted at that time. 

But, as we know, that type of “supply” dries up.

She may one day regret stomping all over what I provided and the security of what the marriage brought her. I would never know it as she is blocked on all platforms. I have been no-contact ever since the divorce finalized.

Last I knew, she was living alone in a 2nd floor rental and on all the dating apps. It appears she did not monkey branch to a man. She is probably enjoying the dopamine hits of online dating and being with multiple men. Marriage and a monogamous relationship apparently are not for her. One of the major red flags was her wanting to give me a "hall pass" to have sex with other women towards the end of our marriage.

Her loss.

Good riddance.

Curious for those specifically without children how you made out in the end with your divorce.

One thing that I guess is a double-edged sword is we didn't have children. Life can be a bit lonely at times I find.... even though I have several friends, keep myself busy with house projects, work, gym, two FWBs, etc. My now ex-wife and I agreed early on to not have children.

We had two dogs..... which I lost in the divorce. The only real good thing I can say about my ex was she cared for the dogs phenomenally to the point where it was almost her only identity (dog mom). That's why it was so surprising to me when she first announced she was divorcing me (right after I called her out on her affair(s), I asked about the dogs. She nonchalantly said "eh, you can have them". I was almost more shocked at that than the divorce. Due to my profession, I thought about it and realized I would not be able to properly care for them. She later agreed to take them.

I ended up keeping my home. I bought this house in 2017 while we were just dating (only been with each other about 2 years at that point). She was with me during the entire process. I will never forget how it was a tad awkward when she was there at the signing. For some reason, they put her name on the paperwork. I told them to remove her name.

She took a few items from the home, nothing really significant. She moved out to a 2nd floor rental. Tiny yard now which is unfortunate for the dogs compared to the acre of yard they had here. One thing I don't miss is picking up the dog shit.

In the end, we had three appraisals done battling over the equity of the home. It went all the way to trial. CT sucks, the judge looked at the home as marital property back to 2017 when I bought it (we didn't get married until 2020).

I had to give her $60k. She had to transfer $16k to me via QDRO. My attorney fees were $7400 total.

I took out a HELOC to pay her. Didn't have to refinance which is huge as I have a very low interest rate. I am using some of the HELOC to do some house projects now too (pellet stove, extending out the driveway, other odds/ends).

I think overall, I made out OK.

For those without children, how did you make out in the end?

Been reflecting on my divorce. It all came crashing down last Memorial Day weekend when I finally asked for transparency and accountability after my now ex-wife was saying and doing things that unfortunately all pointed towards infidelity after she lost a bunch of weight on a GLP-1 medication. Instead of having any discussion, she instantly filed for divorce, blamed everything on me, implemented heavy DARVO tactics and moved out a month later. Divorce finalized this past March. No kids thankfully.

Since she moved out last year, I have worked on myself a lot. Physically and mentally. I got myself into therapy to process WTF happened as it was very abrupt. My therapist truly believes I was dealing with someone who had BPD and NPD traits. We talked about some of my short comings (ignoring major red flags early on, some boundary issues, falling into routine, communication goes both ways and there is always room for improvement, not being as in-tune as I could have been to her love language etc). We discussed my attachment style (secure). I learned so much and there is more to learn.

I will never consider marriage again. The divorce process really opened my eyes to how unfair and unjust it is. I am one and done. I am 38, no kids, own my own home (got to keep it luckily) but, I do want to eventually get into something exclusive again.... just not marriage. I have a FWB situation going on and have been dating around.

I'm just curious as to why 2nd marriages fail at an even higher rate than the 1st. If you do the work of really analyzing what happened and YOUR shortcomings by doing self-reflection and true therapy work, how can 2nd marriages end up failing even more?

I am over a year out after I caught on to a series of behaviors, actions and comments from my now ex-wife (was with her for 10 years). When I brought it all to the table and asked her for transparency and accountability, she instead "flipped that switch" and filed for divorce. The mask was completely off. The jig was up. This was all right after she lost a bunch of weight on a GLP-1. We have no children (THANKFULLY).

Everyone's story here is unique. The end result really is the same.... shattered trust, pain, self-esteem in the toilet, the abrupt end of a future you envisioned, etc. A lot of work we all have and had to do to get out of the aftermath of someone else's extremely destructive and selfish choice(s).

I am 37m and serve in the National Guard. Every 5ish years, my unit deploys overseas. My unit was due to deploy last year. Glad to say, they all made it back after being extended due to the escalation of what is going on over there. My unit is not "front lines", but this one was as "front lines" as it has been for my unit since the early days of the Afghanistan/Iraq wars in the early-00s. They are now processing what they experienced but nonetheless, they are back safe.

We were ramping up last year and I was on the roster to go. At the beginning of 2025, my now ex-wife started a GLP-1 weight loss medication. She was shedding weight rapidly and was really having a dramatic shift in appearance...... and confidence.

"You should get a hall-pass to have sex with other women while deployed, why not.... you are coming home to me anyway". "I have a fantasy where you watch me have sex with another man". "My co-worker Paul says he pleasures himself to the thought of me". These were things she told me in the weeks leading up to D-day. Sex between us was actually increasing. She was way more intimate. We were still doing weekly date nights, planning a pre-deployment trip together. On the surface, things seemed ok..... but, those comments....

Long story short, I was away for a weekend of pre-deployment training. We had the Ring and Blink security cameras on the outside of the house. My phone chimed off at 930pm of her leaving the house. They chimed off again at 2:00 am of her returning home. Very unlike her. As I was tossing/turning trying to figure out how to approach this the best I could, I went to re-watch the footage.... it was gone. She went into both apps and deleted the footage of her leaving the house and coming home. Asked her about what that was all about, on top of the comments I mentioned above and how I was doubting trust, things didn't seem right and I wanted answers/transparency. She love-bombed me ensuring me nothing was happening. As soon as I got home from that training, it was like I was looking at a different person. Cold, cruel, dismissive. She filed for divorce the day after I called her out on the footage. DARVO tactics from her followed. Marriage over.

My world, as I knew it was completely upside down and shattered. Now, I had a legal battle to fight while preparing to deploy. Luckily, my Command realized this was heavy and it probably was not wise for me to deploy with my mental state and looming divorce. They kept me back and someone else filled the slot.

What was her plan really? Think I wouldn't have noticed? Continue the deceitful behavior with free-reign knowing I would be gone for 9 months? Maybe, send a "Dear John" letter during the deployment so she wouldn't have to face me in person. Or maybe keep it all hidden well, welcome me home and then hit me with the papers? Maybe even just have her fun without me knowing and then carry on as "wife" when I returned.

If my Command had no choice but to still deploy me, there is no doubt that I would have done the best I could, but I would have put the people I was responsible for and myself, in jeopardy, due to my personal collapse. Everyone has a breaking point, finding out my spouse was deceiving me right before a combat deployment was mine. I'm thankful for how my Command handled this and I will never forgive her for choosing to strike at a very vulnerable time of preparing to deploy overseas.

A year out of complete no-contact after my now ex-wife flipped that switch when I called her out on several series of behaviors that absolutely point towards some form of infidelity. We were having date nights and planning vacations just before this. I told her if my gut instincts were correct that I would no longer want to stay as infidelity for me is the ultimate disrespect. I guess that triggered her "abandonment fear" and she split on me 100%.

Just reminiscing, I will never forget when shortly after she abruptly filed for divorce and my reality felt completely shattered, I told her I felt like I was literally being tossed away like a piece of trash.

She started off with "I am sorry you feel that way but here is my truth"..... what followed was a complete series of DARVO tactics I had never seen before. In that moment, I was shattered. Looking back on it now, I look at it for exactly what it was...... a bunch of straight up BS.

Don't fall for the "This is my truth" or the "I am sorry you feel that way, but....".

Unfortunately, there are so many victims I have seen post their situation here and completely doubt themselves and their reality due to this abusive tactic from the cheater.

Cheating is abuse. DARVO is abuse.

A year out of complete no-contact after my now ex-wife flipped that switch when I called her out on several series of behaviors that absolutely point towards some form of infidelity. We were having date nights and planning vacations just before this. I told her if my gut instincts were correct that I would no longer want to stay as infidelity for me is the ultimate disrespect. I guess that triggered her "abandonment fear" and she split on me 100%.

Just reminiscing, I will never forget when shortly after she abruptly filed for divorce and my reality felt completely shattered, I told her I felt like I was literally being tossed away like a piece of trash.

She started off with "I am sorry you feel that way but here is my truth"..... what followed was a complete series of DARVO tactics I had never seen before. In that moment, I was shattered. Looking back on it now, I look at it for exactly what it was...... a bunch of straight up BS.

Don't fall for the "This is my truth" or the "I am sorry you feel that way, but....".

Has anyone seen the new thriller/horror movie “Obsession”?

My ex wife who had Borderline Personality Disorder acted eerily similar to the main character Nikki in this film (minus all the killing and other gross things).

The behavior was very similar to someone with BPD: intense love bombing, push/pull, extreme fear of abandonment, discarding etc.

If you are into modern horror I recommend it to those who may have been in this type of relationship dynamic with a cluster B ex.

I am a few months out from the finalization of my divorce after a 9 month high conflict divorce (no children thankfully) after my 37m ex wife 35f brutally and abruptly discarded me when I asked for accountability and truth based on several series of patterns I started to notice that absolutely points to an affair(s).

I find myself struggling on flipping between feeling bad for her and absolutely despising her.

She had pretty bad childhood trauma to include sexual abuse from one of her mothers several boyfriends when she was younger. She was body shamed. She struggled to maintain any meaningful friendships (for example: her wedding party consisted of her sister as maid of honor and bridesmaids being my two sisters..... whom she didn't even get along with..... not one single friend in her wedding party). She would constantly discard and eventually re-connect with family members over any perceived slight. She struggled constantly with co-workers at several jobs. She treated me quite well for the majority of our 10 years together (many of my friends and family believed she put me on a "pedestal" based on their observations)...... until she started intense devaluation of me in the beginning of 2025 when she started losing weight on a GLP-1. She has had a suicide attempt before meeting me as well.

On the flip side, her abrupt discard (split) and her treatment and demeaner afterwards was absolutely disgusting. I still can't believe how cruel it all was. I won't go into all the details but it truly was devastating and a whole lot of DARVO techniques were implemented by her.

For you survivors of BPD abuse, in the end, once they discarded/divorced you and they are out of your lives forever (i blocked and have been no contact for several months now), how do you choose between they were a good person with severe flaws vs they are an awful selfish entitled person who leaves a constant trail of destruction behind them? Do we simply just blame it all on the childhood trauma/disorder? Do we simply blame it on their character?

I know it's not good to peek anymore.... but, her last TikTok post was "no one will ever choose me first.... and that's my why".

My divorce finalized in March. Ex moved out last July and she initiated the divorce last June once I called her out on a series of behaviors that absolutely was most likely an affair. I say "most likely" because I don't have actual evidence but quite a few red flags. Also, the fact I calmly brought this to her attention and her reaction was to divorce speaks volumes. This was right after she lost a bunch of weight on a GLP-1. Therapist I see highly suspects my ex has BPD based on a large list of things.

No kids, got to keep the home (did have to buy her out on a hefty chunk of equity though).

I have a solid FWB situation going on now for a few months. Great woman, she has a 13 y/o son and we are both just enjoying the moment. I have zero intention of marrying her, cohabiting etc.

The sex is way better than I experienced with my ex. We see each other about twice a week.

Still, I feel...... empty. Yes, I get it, stay active, fill up the time with friends/family/hobbies.... which I do. When it comes time to lay my head on the pillow, my mind wanders and I miss having the companionship I had for 10 years with my ex.

Anyone feel similar post-divorce?