u/vanillajasminee

My ocd is really severe I want everything to be perfect from my appearance to my personality to my home to my life but I am so far from perfect I feel actually grotesque and abhorrent. I used to be somewhat beautiful inside and out but I’m ruined now. I feel gross, humiliated, and ashamed about my entire existence. I never want to be seen or known.

I have always wanted to look feminine but I have an oblong face shape. Large nose. Small lips. I’m extremely tall too and have really ugly large feet. I just will never feel feminine. I just want to feel like a woman.

Anyone else feel like when they go outside that they can’t speak and feel like they will faint or struggle to breathe or get nauseous

I won’t ever be able to be seen or loved or normal in any form

I think about this everyday I want to travel abroad and get it I can’t live this life

I truly wish I was never born

Hiki since 2022. I am a 22 year old woman. I have spent most of my life in isolation. I have a severe fear of Covid. I got sick with it in 2022. I feel like I won’t ever be able to handle the adversities of life unless I at least don’t have to worry about long covid anymore. I have so many issues. I never felt like I had the capacity for life. I don’t know how anyone does. I think this is probably the consequences of growing up extremely sheltered as well as privileged enough that I can depend on my family for the meantime. I think I am autistic. I also have severe ocd and cptsd. Even at home I am severely anxious and struggle to take basic care of myself. I look horrible. I feel horrible. I even have developed into a horrible person unfortunately. Life terrifies me. Because this world is horrifying. But I also terrify myself. My existence terrifies me. I know I will never be able to have a romantic relationship. Let alone maintain friendships. Let alone go outside everyday. I will probably inevitably need to work. But I am scared of becoming even worse of a person since I am horrible at dealing with pain. I truly hate myself. I wish I was never born.

I have been isolating myself since 2022 and I’m a 22 year old woman. I can’t even do basic things anymore. I have no desire to do anything in life besides maybe be alone at this point.

I really don’t know how to keep going the vigilance and awareness of Covid is taxing. I have lost all energy and desire I used to have. I do not recognize myself anymore at all. Masking is also very physically painful for me to due an injury. I think all the pain is too much and I have rlly lost so much of what used to make me a person. To the point I think I may have developed a personality disorder.

I wanna live forever alone it’s peaceful

I feel like I have developed into a bad person and this is making me feel unable to handle being seen by others or having any friendships at all or even talking to people in general. I feel like I don’t want to change because my existence is already so painful and stressful that I feel like the only way I can keep going is avoiding more pain and stress. Otherwise I’m scared of causing mental or emotional harm to others. I am trying to find a therapist but I don’t know if there is one I can be completely honest with. I also feel like I will be told I need to do exposure therapy and not try to isolate myself more from people. But, it does not feel sustainable for me to have connections. I do not feel like I am a safe or caring space for others. I try to hide this from others but I know my honest feelings and thoughts even if I wish those thoughts and feelings weren’t there. I’m aware of them and feel helpless in changing them.

I just need some perspective