u/venusplutoangel

I’m so chronically depressed. I lost people when I came out as a lesbian last year. I lost people when I came out as transmasc this year. I lost someone when I set boundaries. I hate when I try to communicate something that’s bothering me and then I’m made to feel wrong for doing so. Idk if this is a bad thing but I after someone does 1 or 2 things that turn me off I want nothing to do with them. I feel so miserable and now I’m left all alone. The only supportive person is my brother but everyone else is kinda iffy about it after I came out to them.

I didn’t anticipate that coming out about a deep hidden truth within myself that makes me so happy would cause me to feel so misunderstood and alone by others. I used to get so much attention in the friendship subs when I was a cis woman and as a transmasc nobody wants to talk to me. I was about to break and shatter like glass until I texted the Trevor project chatline. They gave me sources for finding support in transmasc organizations and groups. I’m nervous bc they’re all zoom meetings and I don’t feel like showing myself. I feel like I’m not handsome.

I just hate going through this alone. I don’t have a therapist rn and idk how my fuck ass psychiatrist chose to see me every 2 months after I spent a whole month institutionalized in 2 different places. Like obviously I’m not well??? I start PHP in 10 days and idk how long it’ll last but I think it’ll be a while. Im supposed to start schooo in August but I honestly don’t even feel ready. I haven’t showered in a month, brushed my teeth in a month. I washed my hair the other day bc I got a men’s haircut. I just have no strength or energy. All I do is listen to music and doom scroll. I feel dead inside. Having little support makes me feel very alone and depressed. Living with my homophobic dad makes me feel very depressed. Idk what to do or who to talk to. I basically have nobody to talk to tbh.

The more I get closer to finding out who I really am, the more misunderstood I feel. I can’t even journal without breaking into a panic attack, that’s quite literally what took me to the mental hospital when I was at the residential journaling and confronting my truth for the first time. I keep seeing poetry recommended to me on twitter and every single one I read makes my heart sink so I just skip past them now. I don’t have the privacy to cry right now. And how sad is it to cry when there’s nobody there to hold you and comfort you? The tricky thing is that I’m too scared to cry in front of the person who would hold me while crying, like my mother. She freaks out too much and gets too worried which is why I don’t do it in front of her.

I honestly feel like a feral cat, I bite and I scratch. I turn into a crazy little shit when I feel triggered. I don’t feel sorry at all. I don’t curse people out but I pull out the interpersonal skills I learned in DBT and still get made to feel guilty for voicing my concerns. I feel lonely but the last person I shared my life with for the past 3 months just made my walls go up. All the way. I don’t like being objectified. I don’t like when people wear a mask. On top of that I have all this other shit I’m navigating and dealing with.

My trust issues have never been as awful as they are right now. At an all time high </3

My dad’s rejection hurts but I’m lowkey getting over it. I’m more so feeling the pain of my ex best friend being homophobic and visibly uncomfortable with me about my queer identity despite her wanting to kiss me at the club months earlier. It just really hurt me and as a person with bpd, I don’t take heartbreak lightly. It’s been over a year and I’m still like being super cautious with new people I meet bc of what my ex best friend did.

I know that new people don’t have to pay for what she did though. I also kinda exclusively only become friends with queer women/enbies/men now. It’s safer that way now. I’ve never had that space before where I was able to be myself you know? I befriended a few queer people from Reddit and I’m so excited about it. Hopefully they will help heal the wound my homophobic straight female friends left.

My electroconvulsive therapy left me side effects of anhedonia and it’s horrible. I don’t even want to watch season 3 of Euphoria. I don’t want to draw. I’m not showering or brushing my teeth. I’m not washing my hair. I have to shower soon though. I have my last appointment with CBT therapist and then I start the partial hospitalization program. After that I’m going to see a therapist that’s LGBT friendly and does IFS internal family systems. I read that going through a year and a half of EMDR when I had an unsafe environment at home is what put me in a freeze state. IFS is much gentler. I can’t wait to start IFS and for my anhedonia to subside.

As frustrated as I was in the freeze state about not being able to please my parents or my dad like I wanted to, it helped me realize who I am and what I really want in life. Before I was living for what my dad wanted me to do. I’m now finally saying “fuck it”, I already disappoint my dad so I might as well dress as masc as I want and do whatever tf I want. On the bright side, my mom is more supportive now. She helped me get rid of 5 bags of clothes that I wore back then when I really wanted to cater to the male gaze, they were hyperfeminine and slutty. My addiction to male attention has now finally subsided and I’m dressing for the ladies/enbies now 👀. My mom’s also helping me change my room bc I want it to be way less girly than it is rn. I feel so blessed.

I was really sad last night bc it’s hard for me to get go of the past but fuck all those people.

Bruschetta with French baguette, olive oil, salami, tomato, mozzarella, and balsamic vinegar on top

My homophobic dad is going to hate it but I don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m so done being obedient to a man that has already emotionally abandoned me a long time ago. I need to put myself first for once.

Btw I made brown rice with fried egg, green onion, and soy sauce and mirin coated lite sliced spam :)

I want to break free. I literally had a dream where i kept spitting out chicken bones that i swallowed and that my mom wanted to take me to a women’s retreat to get a makeover and I screamed “just let me dress like a queer”. I’m cutting my hair short and keeping it short and I’ll be enby who sometimes serves masc or femme or something in between. My dad hates when I cut my hair short bc he’s homophobic and my mom doesn’t like it but she tries to be supportive. I feel like after being diagnosed with bpd for 10 years, I did anything to please my dad and get him to not abandon me. I tried my hardest to please him but my mental health got in the way and I failed many times in life so he disowned me anyways. Might as well explore my queerness and stop trying to please a man who already abandoned me.

I keep seeing 12:22 and 7:17. My bpd has been jumping out quite a bit with new people I met but this dream gave me clarity. Trying to get approval from your homophobic dad as a queer person with bpd is so detrimental to your soul’s well being and to your bpd healing. I’m just going to find my chosen family online bc I’m too broke to meet up with people irl and to socialize. Hopefully I could have a homoerotic friendship or lesbian situationship <333. I really want to experience mutual knowing and romance with a woman/enby person. I heard that Olivia Rodrigo’s album is about relationship ocd and I can’t wait to listen to it. Relationship ocd has some similarities to bpd.

I just want to be free and I want to be surrounded by the people I love. I just want to be in love. My past actions from my bpd caused me to hurt people I love or overwhelm them with my intensity. I became so ashamed of myself that I hid for years. I entertained people my parents for like bc I prioritized their happiness over mine but I think I finally want prioritize my happiness. I’m done drowning in shame and letting it it diminish my joy and how take away fun from my life. I’m done self isolating and I’m finally going to find queer people to love platonically and romantically and I’m going to embrace every feeling on the spectrum of emotions. I won’t let someone’s treatment of mine dictate how I’m supposed to feel about myself. I get up and try again bc that’s what makes life so beautiful, to feel intensely. It’s what makes me human.

Some people walk around never letting themselves feel and that’s why they can’t connect with others deeply or get to know themselves deeply. Get help and heal but don’t hate yourself for what your unhealed stuff did. Study your behavior and learn how to act differently next time. It’ll take practice and you won’t be perfect and you’ll slip up and relapse but as long as you keep going that’s all that matters.

1. Rosalía, 2) Barbie Ferreira, 3) Rosario Dawson, 4) Shane from the L Word, 5) Zendaya, 6) Shygirl, 7) Charli Xcx, 8) Gabriette, 9) Beadobeedobee, 10) Prescious Lee, 11) Paloma Elsseser, 12) Vanilla Mace, 13) Minima Gessel, 14) Emily Browning, 15) Hunter Schafer, 16) Ayo Edibri, 17) Jamie (I forgot her last name), 18) Taylor Russell, 19) Kristen Stewart, 20) Billie Eillish

My type, bisexual version <3

Finally, I’ve successfully weirded a man in. He’s like the male version of me (except he’s more sweet and not evil like me). We’re both neurodivergent and into the arts. He loves yapping to me about Charles Bukowski and funny art history facts and I listen to him all wide eyed and excited. We’re both bisexual so he’s queer like me and respectful about queer people. He thinks I’m beautiful just the way I am and doesn’t need me to change anything about myself. He struggles with depression and he’s open minded about my bpd and my bipolar. He makes me want to be a better person. Like a kinder and more honest person who values integrity. He’s autistic and I have adhd. I think we’re each other’s safe havens. Like we both have shitty living situations and we both make each other feel better and always cheer each other up no matter what. He’s like all the way across on the other side of the country from me but I want us both to get everything together so that one day we could live with each other. We’ve been talking since April and we’re still like in the mutual crushes stage. Like I think both of us want to be in better places mentally before we get into an official relationship together but since April it’s like we’ve become best friends. I won’t tell him any of these things yet bc I want things to unfold naturally before we become official and start planning anything. If only if 2022 and 2023 me knew that I was going to stop being the backup plan and finally be someone’s main choice <3

I’m in my Saturn return in my 7th house and I feel like I’m meeting special people for the first time in a long time. It’s a nice feeling :)

I’ve been noticing myself being looked at more when I go out. Through some people I met at rehab and online, I realized that I am very pretty. I’m starting to see myself the way others who like me, see me. I could have suitors giving me attention but there’s nothing more in the world that I want than a girl best friend. I want to pray for, protect, and love my girl best friend. I want a sisterly bond and I want a ride or die type of friendship. My insurance is still processing my rehab and psychward bills. When everything’s done being processed and a certain amount gets covered then I’ll be able to attend partial hospitalization and then intensive outpatient. I hope to make a friend there :). I want to get a job when I finish that program and then I want to go look for local girl or queer friends. I honestly want someone who’s artsy and like to watch movies like me. Maybe someone I could set up a book club with or make a zine with. It’s just gonna take a few weeks to be able to attend that program so I’m spending a bunch of time doing nothing. I just watch my country’s leftist coverage and I’ve been watching anything with good yuri in it. I think I realize with the people I’ve been attracting that I have a savior complex and I wanna stop attracting that bc I don’t want to be like the women in my family who rescued the men in my family. I’m undoing generations of social conditioning and I want to be the one that’s babied for once. I’m tired of always doing the babying. I fear that I’m just like my mother and I have to work hard in therapy to destroy that generational curse that’s passed down all the way to myself.

I’m experiencing serotonin syndrome, my psychiatrist just keeps doing the same thing (nothing) and telling me that he’s gonna see me every 6 weeks even though all of my medications just changed. I did electroconvulsive therapy for a month and I’m so antsy and can’t stop shaking. I think my meds and combination of ect is causing me to have serotonin syndrome. I don’t remember a lot of stuff and I have amnesia bc of the ect. I met a boy at rehab who kept flirting with me and he was really chill but he chose alcohol over me and he wouldn’t stop asking me for money so I curved his ass. It sucked bc I liked him but I come from a culture where the women are taken care of financially, not vice versa. I have so much medical debt it’s not even funny. All I’ve done since I got home from the hospital is chat to people, watch streamers, bed rot with my cats, sleep, and binge watch shows with excellent yuri in them (shoutout YasHarper in Industry and MaddyCass Euphoria). I also spend time with my fam and went to the movies. My first rehab was lowkey a scam and I have to wait for all my medical bills to be processed from the mental hospital I went to so I could attend their outpatient program. I lowkey need to act fast so that I could complete the partial hospitalization and intensive outpatient before trade school starts in the fall. I’m so nervous like how am I going to accomplish all of this when I can’t even sit still in a chair for one hour during therapy bc talking about what’s making me anxious makes me want to get up and shake my legs and rock myself back and forth. Like I can’t stop stimming everywhere I go and people notice it and point it out. Idk if it’s the ECT or the meds or the combination of the two giving me serotonin syndrome. I think I’m gonna change my psychiatrist and go to the one that I saw at the psychward bc he at least moves things around and would like to see me more frequently. Pray for me guys. I’m done being a lover girl I’m just embracing being messy, avoidant, materialistic, nonchalant and unserious. I’m trying to focus on dealing with my meds and mental health before I focus on anything else so I can be stable enough for php/iop this summer and then trade school this fall.