u/veronica09834

I work as an independent contractor, so I'm always working with new teams. There've been a handful projects I've worked on, all with different white women, where I've been targeted and scapegoated as the only WOC.

I'm currently working on a project with a narcissistic white woman who attempted to gaslight and pin her mistake on me today after I addressed it with her; I immediately and very firmly shut it down. Thankfully, all of our interactions have been over email, so I had the evidence to back it up. Keep in mind, I hired this woman for this project, so I'm technically her employer. The audacity and lack of gratitude to speak to me like this when I've hired her for a huge project... She's been a narcissistic nightmare every step of the way, and the racial dynamic makes her behavior especially gross to me.

For context, I'm West Asian, born and raised in America. I believe I'm intelligent, smart, competent, empathetic, genuine, and good at my job. I am also considered physically attractive and get a lot of male attention, especially from white men. I share in case it's somehow relevant.

Why do they do this? Why am I, as the only WOC, always the target? I think it's in part that this is how narcissism manifests in white women in America: they're childish, jealous, insecure, competitive, happy to blame shift and throw temper tantrums, etc. Are they threatened by me/us, do they do it because they think it's easy to get away with it, what is their problem?

I'm curious to hear others' thoughts.

I killed three adult rodents (I think they were mice but unsure). Turns out there was also a nest with babies in the ceiling. Two of the babies fell out on back-to-back days and died on the floor. There's a horrible rotting dead animal smell now, so I'm certain there are other babies in the ceiling who died. Thankfully the smell is localized to the closet/bathroom where they are located, but it's still really disgusting when I'm in the bathroom.

It's incredibly difficult to get into the ceiling with my home's construction, so I don't have an option to remove the rodents, plus I'm renting.

How long can I expect for them to decompose and give off this smell if they're trapped inside the ceiling? The two I saw were about 2 inches or so long, but I don't know how many more there are in the ceiling. I'm in the desert, it's been really hot in the high 80s/low 90s which I've heard will expedite decomposition?

Also, maybe a dumb question but is there a concern about mold growing with the decomposing bodies? I saw something online, but I recognize it may have been fear-mongering.

I have bowls of vinegar, baking soda, and activated charcoal out, plus a fan and air purifier running. There's no window in the bathroom/closet unfortunately, but the house is small and I have all the other windows open.

I'm really stressed about this. Thank you.

I received an alert that the Ecosia Browser app can’t be used with my version of macOS, however I was using it without issue until recently. I don’t remember updating the app. My computer can’t be updated anymore to newer versions of macOS as it's a 2015 MacBook. I'm using macOS Monterey Version 12.7.6. Is there any workaround?

I have a very basic grasp of the alphabet and can currently only read/write by piecing together letters, but would like to learn to read/write more fluently. What book is best for those who can already speak Farsi fluently?

Thanks in advance!

She told me to just "not look" because it's distressing and I can't do anything about what's happening personally. It didn't sit well with me when she said this. It seems like a harmful, individualistic perspective, to "protect your peace" and just not look.

However, I originally come from a collectivist culture. Sure, I, as an individual, can't snap my fingers and make the genocide stop. However I do feel responsible as a member of humanity to pay attention to what's happening, to hold space for the horrific experiences that I cannot imagine, and to do what is within my power to do. Collectively, humans can create change. It's an incredibly difficult effort, but I feel we're already seeing changes in the way the world is moving forward on this issue.

If we had all just looked away because it's "too much" then how would change have ever happened?

I guess I'm really disappointed in her perspective on this.

Curious what you all think about this.

I am a West Asian and Muslim woman in America. I was born and raised here. I was a child during 9/11, and I see that the exact same American narrative is presently repeating itself with another country in West Asia (Iran).

My narcissistic white male boomer chiropractor told me with confidence that women in Iran are treated like animals that only exist to breed children. I was horrified. There are human rights issues, but my goodness, this statement is just not true. Women in Iran are highly educated.* How does this fact fit with the idea that they're only seen as having value as animals for breeding children? Why would animals bother getting university degrees?

Why are the white racists so quick to point the finger at other countries and cultures when we have LITERAL PEDOPHILES RUNNING AMERICA WHO WANT WOMEN TO BE SUBMISSIVE AND WITHOUT RIGHTS? Why do they always fail to look in their own backyard, before pointing the finger and judging issues that may or may not exist in other places?

I AM SO TIRED OF BEING DEHUMANIZED BY THE WORLD, MY COUNTRY, THE MEDIA, MEDICAL PROVIDERS, COLLEAGUES, PEERS, ETC. WHY DO I HAVE TO JUSTIFY TO THEM THAT I TOO DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE A HUMAN BEING?

But also, why are they so obsessed with us?? Leave us alone, stop talking about us, stop fixating on us, stop bombing us, just stop.

*From my research, I learned that in Iran, over 60% of university students are women and 70% of STEM students are women. Meanwhile, in the United States, 57.3% college students are women and 35% of STEM students are women.

I filed a dispute with my Chase Sapphire card, after I contacted the merchant with a major issue I was having with the product and they chose to ignore me. After the merchant received the dispute, now they've contacted me with a good solution to my problem. They would like me to withdraw the dispute before they proceed with sending me the new product and repair service.

However, I'm concerned if they don't follow through, would I be able to re-submit the dispute with Chase? I do have their solution in writing, but I'm having a hard time trusting them because of how it went the first time before I filed the dispute.

I called Chase with my question, but the customer service rep I got was a bit vague and unclear about the process. I'm going to call them again on Monday to clarify. Just curious if anyone has had experience with this as I'm anxious about it. It was an almost $1k charge.

The other day I had a white employee behave passive aggressively towards myself and my white colleague. We're all women. She's clearly unhappy and resentful about something, but instead of being direct about it, she chose to try to treat us like we're stupid and inexperienced. She just made herself look like a fool in the process. We're employing this person on a freelance basis, and we were both shocked by her behavior towards us as her employers.

To take it a step further, the interaction felt reminiscent of racism to me, but my colleague is white so I don't think this employee's behavior was racially motivated in the moment. I have been targeted by white women in the past in other workplaces, as the only POC, but this situation felt different with my white colleague equally as involved, maybe even more so.

I saw a video recently about one white person policing another with passive aggressive behavior, and even though everyone was white, it still felt like racist behavior somehow?

Do I feel this way because this action in this moment was somehow racist, or is it because I'm picking up on the type of behavior I expect from one who would utilize victimhood to avoid responsibility for their racism? I'm aware of the idea of systemic racism, but I'm still learning more about what this looks like and how it affects our societies. Maybe that's what I'm picking up on?

I'd love to hear others thoughts as I feel confused and stuck on this. Or if there are any resources to point me towards I would be so appreciative.

I don't know if this flair is really right because she didn't necessarily come across as racist. She completely validated me in what I shared, but I got the sense that it brought something up in her, like she seemed a tiny bit frazzled and insecure, as if this isn't something she has lived experience with (which obviously it isn't).

I've been seeing her for 4 years and she has helped me change my life after I was abused by my mom. So I trusted her enough to bring this up finally, but I ended up walking away feeling awkward. Maybe that's also because I've never felt comfortable sharing about this in this way with a white person, so I was definitely feeling insecure too.

I'm not sure what to do. Should I try to bring it up again but in a more confident way? Again, there wasn't really anything wrong with her reaction, she completely vaildated me, just an insecurity I felt I was picking up on, but maybe it was my own that I was projecting?

I'm Iranian-American. I don't support the Iranian regime, I also don't support the American government being the world bully and bombing other nations then playing the victim, putting its own citizens at risk as a result.

I was devastated and disgusted to hear about the bombing of the Minab school, and further disturbed when I heard AI (Palantir and Anthropic/Claude) were involved in the attack. For context, with the information I currently have, I am not in support of AI and avoid using it where I have a choice.

As expected, none of my white colleagues or friends bothered to check on me during the conflict. This past week I've been asked to use Claude multiple times on a work project, and I was in a meeting where my colleagues were talking about how great Claude's new design feature is.

Especially with AI entering the mainstream more and more, I feel increasingly disconnected from some of the people in my life. I feel sick whenever I'm asked to use AI/Claude, especially when I remember its connection to America's psychopathic military agenda with West Asia and Iran and the harm that's being caused.

Maybe this is a stretch, because it sounds like the AI itself didn't make the decision to bomb the school, though I don't know if anyone has admitted exactly the capacity in which AI was involved in the supposed mistake. Although, I'm curious as to why Anthropic is involved in war efforts at all, considering most think they're somehow more ethical than other companies.

I'm also deeply concerned about AI's harm to the environment; water use; data centers being built around America including in areas struggling with drought (I live in the southwest, it's a huge issue here, and the local communities are fighting the data center projects); the impact on humanity, mental health, and human connection; the job market; and so on.

It feels like many white Americans just don't see themselves as being apart of the global community. They don't care if something doesn't affect them directly. They don't care if it's not "cool" to support the cause (for example, I've seen others note here that they've just started caring about Palestine not that it's "relevant", even though the genocide has been ongoing for decades).

Sorry if this isn't cohesive, or if I'm rambling. I was feeling disconnected and frustrated and wanted to get some thoughts down.

I'm in my 30s and lost my father to cancer seven months ago. It's been such a difficult time, and only in the past few weeks have I felt like my health is bouncing back. I'm sleeping better, trying to make sure I'm eating enough, more willing to socialize, etc.

However I now look in the mirror and feel like something has changed. I just look tired, older, and like there's a loss of plumpness suddenly. I know this isn't the most important thing in life, but for some reason I'm tearing up writing this. I used to feel attractive, and now I don't. I've actually been consistent with my skincare since I lost my dad, but I'm sure this is more internal/emotional.

I've lost weight and have become very underweight, so I'm sure that's contributing too. I'm trying to put on weight but it's always been hard for me, even more so right now.

I have a therapist and am getting good support.

My question is - once I return to better health will my appearance bounce back? I'm worried that this is a permanent change and I'll never recover.

I got a futon frame from them, I tried assembling it and the instructions were so shockingly nonspecific that I messed it up and had to start over. I even called the customer service rep twice during assembly for help.

As I started disassembling the frame, the wood immediately broke/cracked, and a piece of wood fell on my arm where I'm now bruising and welting. I'm so incredibly frustrated. Basically the entire thing has to be taken apart (except for the slats which I hadn't put in yet), but I don't feel comfortable doing so considering it feels unsafe to do so and I'm afraid the wood will break/crack in more spots. I'm confident that this wouldn't have happened had they included proper directions for assembly, and I've assembled many pieces of furniture from other companies like Ikea and Grain Wood with no issues.

I've emailed my customer service person, but as I wait, I'm curious if anyone has had issues resolved with them? I'm stressed because I paid a ton for the frame + delivery.

I'm experimenting with a minimalist DIY latex mattress setup. I'm 92 lbs (trying to strengthen my body and get back up to 95 at least) and a side sleeper. A bit wider/heavier in my hips than upper body. 

Here's what I've tried:

1. Started with 2” extra soft talalay over 1” coco coir. Obviously very firm, almost like sleeping straight on the floor. Pushed me out of alignment so my mid spine was hurting. No pressure relief on my shoulder at all.
2. Added a 2” medium dunlop latex layer in between. Feels so much better but shoulder pressure is still too much and arm falls asleep. My alignment is nearly perfect though and no more mid spine pain.
3. I’m now thinking to do one of these below, but I want to see if they will help with shoulder pressure without throwing off my alignment. Are either of these a good plan, or is there a better alternative? I can’t return the extra soft talalay anymore, but I can return the medium dunlop layer if needed. I've been loving sleeping on latex so I'd like to try to make an all-latex mattress work, though I've heard others have had issues with this.

(Top) 2” extra soft talalay
(2nd) 2” soft dunlop
(3rd) 2” medium dunlop
(bottom) 1” coco coir

OR

(Top) 2” extra soft talalay
(Middle) return 2” and get a thicker medium dunlop - if so, what thickness?
(bottom) 1” coco coir

Note: I have the coco coir leftover from when I was sleeping on a futon, so I’ve just thrown it in because I have it already. But definitely can remove if it’s causing issues somehow.

I lost a parent recently, and I've been feeling so much anger. I understand anger is a part of the grieving process.

I don't believe anger is inherently good or bad. It just needs to be expressed and processed in a healthy way like any other emotion. My understanding is the natural progression of anger is either: 1) telling your truth in a safe space where you can be witnessed in your anger, or 2) taking action if it's appropriate (setting a boundary, activism, etc).

When I was in 12 step, I found that they would boil down a lot of different feelings to simply "resentment", and if you expressed any anger, frustration, concern, etc, at anything, you'd be dismissed and directed to doing a resentment inventory.

My experience in grief is allowing myself space to feel the feelings as they come up, and this of course includes anger. I stopped attending meetings shortly after my parent died, because I was taken aback by the lack of empathy from some individuals and was being called resentful. I hit a wall and couldn't tolerate the bullshit anymore. My parent literally died, anger is normal and healthy.

I'm curious how these individuals will handle their grief and anger when their time comes to lose someone. Will they continue to try to micro-manage their own feelings through the program, while they're faced with immense and overwhelming emotions? I feel like that will only create further dysfunction, mental health issues, actual resentment, etc, and continue to set our culture back in how we hold space for those who are grieving to begin with.

I hear a lot about the Le Prunier oil here, but has anyone tried both of these oils and how do they compare? Torn on which to try first!

I’ve been in therapy for a few years learning all about narcissism and how to heal/deal with people like this, which has changed my life. I now know better, my mom’s behavior is wrong, and I’m not the problem in our relationship. So I call her out now, and have gone LC. She used to be more overtly aggressive, cruel, and violent (which still comes out at times). Even though she still tries to make me the problem in turn, I stand my ground and she doesn’t succeed.

I recently gave her an ultimatum about going no contact after she was especially vicious and cruel while I was the primary caregiver for my father dying of cancer and then she tried to bully me into loaning her a large amount of money.

Since my ultimatum, she’s been on her “best” behavior. Now that my dad’s gone I think she realizes I have no reason to talk to her, and I realize I hold all the cards in our relationship which feels amazing. I don’t need her, but she desperately wants a relationship with me but doesn’t know how to connect except by putting herself above me.

One thing I’ve noticed is even though on the surface she’s behaving well, she still makes very subtle backhanded comments that leave me feeling confused, because I know there’s manipulation behind her words. For example when I called her today for the holiday, she said she thought I had forgotten (I’ve literally never forgotten and it was morning where I live when I called her), and she excitedly asked me when my lease is up (she hates that I’ve found a stable place to live alone, and I just moved in three months ago, but she would never say so directly so she just passive aggressively shows dislike about me being happy about my new place or she says things like this. What a bizarre question considering it’s the only question she asked me on our call).

I just ignore it, grey rock, stay silent, etc. but it does get under my skin still and I start to wonder what she meant when she said this or that. I know that’s her intention, to sow doubt and insecurity, and the comments are so subtle that if I called it out she could easily try to make me into a problem.

I learned to oil paint in the northeast US in a more humid climate. I now live in the desert (house humidity is usually between 10-30%) and have started painting again.

I notice the paint seems to feel drier out of the tube, and I use Gamblin which I’ve heard is already more stiff. I’m not sure what to do, so I’ve been adding more medium but that brings its own issues. I learned to paint with Gamblin gel medium, and I also recently picked up some walnut oil medium to try instead.

Also my paintings dry shockingly fast. I tested out the walnut oil medium the other day with a lighter layer of paint, and it was dry to the touch two days later. I’m not necessarily complaining but sometimes it’s nice to have a little more time to work before it dries.

I’m continuing to experiment but I’m curious if anyone has experience or solutions with painting in a dry climate.

I need to vent. I was in SLAA for a few years. Reasons why I do not want to participate anymore:

-A lot of our issues in SLAA are due to childhood trauma and dysfunctional family dynamics. I experienced narcissistic abuse. Ironically, I notice so many parallels between the narcissistic pattern and the program, like being told that I’m responsible for others’ abusive behavior, that I can't trust myself, that others know better than I do, that it’s my fault that I’m angry, and so on. Yes I’m responsible for setting my boundaries, but it’s not my fault that my parent continues trying to abuse me. Why should I make an amends and try to force a relationship with someone who enjoys harming me? 

-It’s concerning that people thought it was appropriate to give authoritative, tough-love advice regarding topics of trauma and abuse, when they’re clearly not mental health professionals nor trauma-informed.

-The solution for me getting sober was to find really good therapist, which took a few tries. I heard people assert all the time that therapy doesn’t work and the program is the only thing that works. That is such a dangerous thing to say as a blanket statement. It was never well received when I’d share that therapy worked for me and that I used the program supplementally.

-I very much disagree with the resentment inventory and the idea that we’re defective, and I decided to stop working the steps after my 5th. I noticed most people confusing anger and resentment (they are not the same thing). Growing up with a narcissist, my expressions of anger and hurt were immediately and aggressively smothered. Of course I held resentment! Resentment for me is suppressed anger that needs to be expressed or acted on (ie setting a boundary, getting involved in activism, sharing in a safe space, etc). The solution is to validate my anger, and to learn to feel and express anger in healthy ways, not to call myself defective and pray away my defects so I’m not angry anymore (what???). I'm not meant to transcend anger, it needs to be processed like any other emotion. Yet when I’d try to express anger in meetings, thinking it was a safe space, I’d get called resentful and my anger would be smothered again.

-It felt like every other person I met was narcissistic and very offended when I’d share that therapy works for me and that I no longer work the steps. I’ve been yelled at and put down. Some behaved like they knew better than I do about my own healing and experiences, and I would be dismissed and invalidated.

-When I told my former sponsor my decision to stop working the steps, they told me I would act out. That was over three years ago and I’ve stayed sober.

-I have been preyed upon multiple times by men in the program, including men who claim to be sober, men who’ve been in the program for decades, and men who are looked up to, including married men.

-A huge part of my healing as an abuse survivor is standing strong in who I am and trusting myself/my intuition, yet this strength was called “willfulness” because we're "bad people who can't trust ourselves". Someone even told me that intuition isn’t real.

-I was attacked and accused of “taking inventory” when I’d share red flags I saw in potential partners. I have a history of entering abusive relationships, so learning to see red flags is a huge part of my healing. I can’t even believe this would be shamed, by other women nonetheless.

-Self-flagellating language was celebrated and praised. The number of times I heard someone say they know nothing, that they’re selfish, and so on, and everyone was nodding along like it was the most profound thing they’d ever heard.

-SLAA tells us to avoid situations that put us at risk. However wouldn’t it be better to learn to deal with those situations? I can’t always have control over what shows up in life. Through therapy I’ve been learning how to handle my triggers, thoughts, and feelings around certain people and situations so that it doesn’t feel difficult to stay sober anymore.

-The idea that I’ll always be an addict. There’s no room for growth or healing in this statement. I honestly don’t think of myself as an addict anymore, instead I consider myself someone with childhood trauma and intimacy/attachment issues that I’m actively working on.

I could go on. I think the only thing helping people in 12 step is the community. I’m now seeking community in healthier ways.