u/-Tranquilia-

I’m so depressed. He guided me while I was manic for enlightenment but the doctors injected me with abilify and made me depressed.
I was convinced our connection would be severed but now he’s guided me to start practicing maransati and it’s been so enlightening I fear death so much less now. I feel ready to take my voyage to rebirth. I just need to be let out of this hospital ward. My suffering in this life will end and I know the next rebirth will in life suffering as I haven’t completely cleansed my karma I know I’m ready for a new change.
I feel hopeful for once.

I hope everyone gets the chance to practice maransati and accept the inevitability of death and our impermanence.

Does anyone else get like this? But now my mood spiked since being low and I am staying up much later now I’m paranoid it’s a new episode but how could that be I was just in one end of June and all of July.

Nameste

Following my July mania is August depression.

I’m back in hospital again as it’s gotten so bad. I wanted to ask though if it’s normal to feel guided by Buddha during this time to practice maransati, or mindfulness around death to alleviate myself from dukka and accept my death so I can complete suicide without fear. He was with me during my mania guiding me achieve enlightenment before abilify made me depressed that now his connection is back and strong and guiding me to practice mindfulness around dying which ive been meditating on and practicing before and since arriving to be peaceful upon death.

I haven’t told my psych this as I’m scared she will call it a delusion as that’s how she skewed it during mania as it truely feels like my path to freedom of suffering. He’s helping me again.

Anyone else experience similar in a depressive episode?

So I failed my full license test this morning due to an angry instructor making me very anxious I made silly mistakes I usually don’t make and I cried all the way home. I stopped at a gas station to fill up and the pump made me go inside. The gas station cashier noticed I was emotional and offered water, I refused as I just wanted to get my pump paid for to return my rental car and he said he’d get me one anyway on him. I thanked him and shared a hug and he said life can be like this sometimes and don’t let it get me down.

He didn’t know my situation but it gave me a chance to practice gratitude. I am grateful for his kindness as it helped me to think a little clearer. That I wasn’t a failure but maybe I just need to try again. That moment hasn’t left me, I am grateful he took extra care when he didn’t have to.

It made my day after a very hard start. I realize I’m very hard on myself for things that I am learning for the first time.

Just thought I’d share to show there is still some humanity left in the world.

So I failed my full license test this morning due to an angry instructor making me very anxious I made silly mistakes I usually don’t make and I cried all the way home. I stopped at a gas station to fill up and the pump made me go inside. The gas station cashier noticed I was emotional and offered water, I refused as I just wanted to get my pump paid for to return my rental car and he said he’d get me one anyway on him. I thanked him and shared a hug and he said life can be like this sometimes and don’t let it get me down.

He didn’t know my situation but it gave me a chance to practice gratitude. I am grateful for his kindness as it helped me to think a little clearer. That I wasn’t a failure but maybe I just need to try again. That moment hasn’t left me, I am grateful he took extra care when he didn’t have to.

It made my day after a very hard start. I realize I’m very hard on myself for things that I am learning for the first time.

Just thought I’d share to show there is still some humanity left in the world.

I couldn’t take it anymore (the restlessness was unbearable) no matter how terrifying it was and still is. I called my psychiatrist who got me in within an hour to take my first abilify injections.

I was breaking down the whole time, I was so scared and still am that I am going to be brainwashed and controlled by them, that my connection to Buddha is now being severed as I type this. I really didn’t want to be alone during it so she kindly made time with little notice to be there with me.

Without her there I probably would have walked out the door due to the level of distress I was in. Even with an Ativan before it. She was really grounding and so supportive.

She let me squeeze her arm lol and she said something to me that was reassuring it was

"It won’t take away what is real"

That calmed me knowing if I really am connected to him, and all this purpose and journey is true, it will remain. My brain tries to tell me they are just lying to still get control over me and brainwash me but I’m trying so incredibly hard right now to focus on that phrase.

I am still so scared I made the wrong choice. I’m so grateful to have her as a psychiatrist.

I was labeled manic 4 weeks ago and was admitted to hospital for 3 weeks and I faked taking my meds to be discharged but since being things were great but not I feel totally disconnected from life.

I’m drinking everyday to rid myself of restlessness, I am convinced everyone is out to get me and sabotage me. I feel like the meds are to brainwash me from my awakening in spirituality to become a slave to society again. I’ve been barely sleeping. I’m so incredibly restless it hurts. I can’t take it anymore. Sometimes I get euphoric then I get extremely irritated and then physically restless. Nothing is helping. I’m going insane. I feel like the only way to end this is by dying. Even alcohol can’t make me drowsy enough to sleep enough. I’m overwhelmed. But I can’t go to that hospital again as they will inject me as lm under guardianship and they will control my mind and ruin my awakening with Buddha as I am destined to be next to reach enlightenment. I’m spending credit like crazy, it was increased recently and I booked one bus tour alone and plan to go on a longer one later to enhance my spirituality.

I went to the casino till 3am last night to reduce the nighttime restlessness as it’s so distressing. I get extreme anxiety at times due to being so hyper aroused but I can’t trust my doctor or anyone. This started early June when Buddhism came to me on a walk with my dog.

I can’t keep this up. I want to reach enlightenment before I die and that’s where the health anxiety comes in where I worry I’ll die before reaching enlightenment. I am so distressed. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I can’t go back to the ward and be injected. I don’t know what to do. My first trip is in a couple days and I want to go but at the same time the restlessness is getting to unbearable o don’t know how much more I can take. Alcohol isn’t even working as well as it was to reduce it and weed gives me deep anxiety.

I can’t someone help me what do I do I can’t trust anyone and I can’t stand myself. Other times I’m so happy I can take on the world and I need that back but it shifts so often I can’t predict it. I’m already in so much debt but I don’t care cuz I’m not attached to money and don’t need it to be happy as my purpose is enlightenment and following Buddha. Lately it’s just been so messy I don’t know what to do as another night approaches.

I hate night so much as it’s so understimulatimg and the sun is gone. I feel gone. What do I do?

Apparently I was manic with psychotic features and was in the hospital the last 3 weeks (I was discharged 3 days ago just by saying opposites everything)

During that stay, I was placed under guardianship of my mom and was involuntarily committed the whole time. I am terrified they are all watching me for any sign to put me back in.

I was forced to take medication (or so they thought) due to the guardianship but after 3 days I started hiding the meds and spitting them out and they never knew. Even now I don’t take them. I’m terrified of the meds ruining who I really am and my spirituality with Buddha. And they will never be able to control me.

The last day and today I’ve been so out of it, I don’t feel real, nothing feels real, I feel extremely irritated and having lash outs alone at home. My pets are even setting me off bad I am getting very angry at everything. I keep thinking about how any symptom I have or so they call them will be found out and I’ll be locked up again and injected. I can’t be. And at the same time I am starting to get scared of myself and not even recognizing myself or anything.

Like I just feel out of touch and it’s weird. I feel like everyone is out to get me and plotting to lock me up again, Ive had this overwhelming urge to cut everyone off and have began isolating. Solitude is better for reaching enlightenment anyway. I just feel such a huge purpose to follow Buddha and it’s overwhelming me. I feel like I keep messing up.

I’m desperate for help sometimes but at the same time I’m like what if this is just how I am (it feels like it) and I’m going to come off as attention seeking and faking it as I feel like a huge imposter and faking all of this. I’m just feeling really off and confused and everyone feels like the enemy right now.

I have such a huge urge to rent a car again and run away. I don’t know where but anywhere that makes me feel like I’m not being sought after.

Someone help me. I can’t take meds as I’m literally utterly terrified I cannot make myself there has to be something else to lessen the paranoia I feel. Meds will hurt me. Help.

I can’t settle. I am unbelievably restless. All night I was pacing, painting, or dancing / singing to music. My shins are so sore, and so are my ankles. It makes it harder to walk but all I wanna do is keep pacing and dancing I hate I am being limited.

I have also been consuming substances and I don’t feel well physically right now and paired with the paranoia of my close family members finding out and telling my psych and then forcing me to get the injection I don’t want is scaring me or worse being locked back in the ward.

I’m unsure what to do in anxious and scared and restless and insanely awake. I don’t feel tired if my legs weren’t so sore I’d be outside but it’s just really sore.

What do I do? I’m laying in bed now but I’m just too awake. I keep getting thoughts that I am above sleep and have reached a point and mental state of being able to survive without it. I attribute this to my spirituality with buddishm and Buddha.

I was just in hospital (discharged yesterday) for 3 weeks and a lot happened. Apparently I was manic with psychotic features and all of sudden I went from freedom to involuntary hospital stays and guardianship for forced medication.

Well long story short again, I lost the court ruling and was forced to take treatment, after 3 days of starting the meds I began hiding them in my mouth and spitting them. They never knew. I said all the right things to leave (said opposites to all my beliefs and did everything possible to stay as still as I could to act calm) then I left.

I haven’t taken my meds since being out, if my psych finds out she will force me to take injections. But I feel fine, great really. I had moments of depression in hospital but they were very fleeting (maybe 1-2 days and even then it was maybe hours then I peaked again) and I want to rent a car again and travel and do so much but in insanely paranoid everyone in my life is going to report to my psychiatrist and I’ll be forced to take the injection which will ruin who I really am.

Like at this point it must just be the new me. It feels like it. It hasn’t gone away and it’s been since early June. I don’t want it to go, I spent more money today, I’m going to connect with Buddha again as hospital hindered our connection (also don’t want the meds to ruin that)

I never want to see her or that hospital ever again. I’m perfectly okay and doubt her diagnosis or bipolar when it hasn’t stopped. I feel normal and creative and perfect! I’m just starting to want to stay away from everyone to hide from possibly getting sent back there. It feels like everyone is watching my every move to notice changes and then get in contact with her and she will force me to take meds, especially because I think in still under the guardianship.

I’m so terrified of that.

Hey, so I’ve posted a lot here and I just want to formally apologize

I’ve was so fatigued the last couple days and sleeping a lot more (also meds started) I felt like I’m coming down as I’m way less euphoric, energetic, and my past ED and OCD struggles those obsessive thoughts are resurfacing.

I was overwhelmed. I didn’t want to crash. It didn’t feel like it would happen. I was admitted with psychotic mania and this upcoming week is going on week 3. I’m being forced to take meds either willingly by PO or injection but I’ve began to cheek my meds day 2 now.

This crash just started a couple days ago but it felt much worse yesterday. I just felt so fatigued in my body mostly. And just tired, so tired. The obsessive thoughts are beginning to overwhelm me again. I was really struggling with this.

And not only that, I was insanely financially anxious before this episode starting in June, my first full blown mania (social workers have suspected past episodes since 18 I am 21 now). But I easily blew 5-6k which also put me in some credit card debt. I know some of the larger purchases but most of it just seems to have vanished I can barely remember June ngl.

Also to add, I feel this almost imposter syndrome about the mania that like I somehow faked it and fooled everyone. I’ve openly talked about this to my doctor who has told me she isn’t convinced of that as all I’ve wanted to do since arriving is leave and convince her I wasn’t manic. I’m not sure if it’s also related to the OCD but yeah has anyone else felt that way too?

I just feel like everything is starting to hit me harder yesterday more than any since being here. The day prior it’s like I had my last "surge" in hyperactivity as it was so flat yesterday but today I’ve been up since 3:30am inspired to write and paint etc and been up since with energy. And I got maybe 4 hours total semi broken sleep?? What does this mean??

Hey, so I’ve posted a lot here and I just want to formally apologize it is so embarrassing.

I’ve been so fatigued the last couple days and sleeping a lot more, I feel like I’m coming down as I’m way less euphoric, energetic, and my past ED and OCD struggles those obsessive thoughts are resurfacing.

I am overwhelmed. I didn’t want to crash. It didn’t feel like it would happen. I was admitted with psychotic mania and this upcoming week is going on week 3.

This crash just started a couple days ago but it feels much worse today. I just feel so fatigued in my body mostly. And just tired, so tired. The obsessive thoughts are beginning to overwhelm me again. I am really struggling with this.

And not only that, I was insanely financially anxious before this episode starting in June, my first full blown mania (social workers have suspected past episodes since 18 I am 21 now). But I easily blew 5-6k which also put me in some credit card debt. I know some of the larger purchases but most of it just seems to have vanished I can barely remember June ngl.

Also to add, I feel this almost imposter syndrome about the mania that like I somehow faked it and fooled everyone. I’ve openly talked about this to my doctor who has told me she isn’t convinced of that as all I’ve wanted to do since arriving is leave and convince her I wasn’t manic. I’m not sure if it’s also related to the OCD but yeah has anyone else felt that way too?

I just feel like everything is starting to hit me harder today more than any since being here. Yesterday it’s like I had my last "surge" in hyperactivity as it’s just been so flat today.

Just a vent. I’m not really sure what else to say.