u/Advanced_Method_2275

انا محتاج شغل ف اسكندرية يكون قريب من العجمي و دورت كتير اني اشتغل كول سنتر ملقتش اوفرز للطلبة ياريت لو حد عنده رقم مقاول لمصنع او اي حاجة حتى يبعتلي

First of all, I'm not going to act on suicide. If I were capable of doing it, I wouldn't be writing this post. I just want one reason—other than religion (which is the only thing that's stopped me so far)—to keep living.

I am 18 and I live in Egypt. Everything has been going wrong one thing after another. I used to have huge ambitions and hopes for my final year of high school. I wanted to do something special, but it all fell apart after the very first exam. There were moments where I genuinely felt like my heart was going to stop from how devastated I was over the mistakes I made. The exams are over now, but I still can't move on.

I also got back in touch with the girl I loved more than anything. We'd had a falling out before. She's from Belgium, and I've known her for almost three years. I reached out to her again, but it ended with her deciding to end everything between us. I had always told her—and I truly believed it—that no matter how long it took, I'd make it to her one day. I'd eventually move to Belgium to be with her. Instead, it ended with me blocking her.

She was literally my reason to keep going. She made all the pressure and the exhaustion feel a little lighter. My family is basically absent from my life. My mom is there physically and supports the house, but there's no emotional support, advice, or affection. My father isn't part of my life at all, and neither are my siblings. I grew up learning to suppress my emotions, but she was the only person who ever made me feel like I could express them, even if only a little. Now that's gone too.

On top of that, I've started seriously wondering if I'm on the autism spectrum. It would explain why I've always struggled so much with social situations and expressing myself in real life. Thinking about it has made me feel even more isolated and depressed. I can't even get evaluated because seeing a therapist is too expensive for me.

I started looking for a job just so I could bury myself in it because I don't have the luxury of sitting around after finishing my exams since our financial situation isn't really great. I speak English, so I applied for call center jobs, but the hiring process takes a long time, and I probably won't get accepted.

That means I'll most likely have to go back to working at the port, which is literally hell on earth. It's 12-hour shifts every single day with no days off, and an hour and a half of commuting. Last summer, when I worked there, I barely had a life. I'd get off the bus and literally run home so fast just so I could sleep long enough to wake up for work the next day. Getting enough sleep became the highest thing I could hope for. Back then, at least I still had her. She was always there to make the exhaustion feel bearable.

Now I'll be doing everything completely alone. I really wish that some kind of accident would happen to me at the port so it would all finally be over and I could rest.

Hi everyone

I'm 18 and turning 19 in about 3 months, I've been trying to understand myself better recently. I'm not asking anyone to diagnose me, but I've been reading about autism and a lot of things seem to fit my experiences.

Some things I've noticed about myself:

- I often feel like I've had to "learn" how to act around people instead of it coming naturally because if I was going to be myself around people, I would just stay silent and observant all the time which would always make people raise questions that made me uncomfortable.

- Social situations are exhausting, even if I can hide it.

- I always think very logically and notice patterns in things.

- I develop very intense interests and can spend hours researching topics I enjoy such as doing maths.

- I've always felt different from other people, but I could never explain why.

- Understanding other people's intentions isn't really difficult for me because I believe I'm emotionally intelligent.

- I also have sensory sensitivities at times (sounds, textures, light.), although they aren't always severe.

There's also that thing about me that I always tend to hide from everyone as I'm ashamed of it which is craving a mommy figure, not in a dominant way just in a caring kind way, and I can never sleep without listening to "mommy ASMR", I heard from someone that wanting a mommy figure is an autistic thing so I recently took the AQ questionnaire and scored fairly high, which made me look into autism more, but I know online tests aren't a diagnosis but I don't think I'm normal or let's say "Typical"

For those of you who were diagnosed as adults, did you go through a period where things suddenly started making sense?

I'd really appreciate hearing about your experiences. Thank you. And yeah sadly I don't think I'd be able to go to therapy since we aren't really financially stable at the moment.

We've had an online relationship for 3 years and she was smarter than anyone I've known, more kind than anyone I've ever encountered and she was just perfect. We really had a good thing and i was so attached to her, we kept calling and texting everyday and i really really loved her more than anyone and i promised her that very soon i was going to travel to her country and finally meet her, i even had a dream in my sleep doing so. All of a sudden she texted me that she wanted to end this saying that it's so unrealistic for me to travel to her and i really tried, i tried so hard to convince her otherwise because i was actually intending to go to her after I've finished highschool but she js said that she didn't want to argue anymore and then nothing, she never texted me ever since. I really don't know what to do I've never been with anyone before and never touched a female and she was the only one I've ever felt these feelings with and i just can't let it go like that. I really don't know why she did that but maybe she just got bored of it and wanted to experience something irl but why couldn't she just wait:(((

If i ever hear that she's with someone in her country i would be so fucking heartbroken im js so scared to text her i hate rejection and i would be so torn apart if i hear from her that she's with someone:(( i js don't know what to do right now

We've had an online relationship for 3 years and she was smarter than anyone I've known, more kind than anyone I've ever encountered and she was just perfect. We really had a good thing and i was so attached to her, we kept calling and texting everyday and i really really loved her more than anyone and i promised her that very soon i was going to travel to her country and finally meet her, i even had a dream in my sleep doing so. All of a sudden she texted me that she wanted to end this saying that it's so unrealistic for me to travel to her and i really tried, i tried so hard to convince her otherwise because i was actually intending to go to her after I've finished highschool but she js said that she didn't want to argue anymore and then nothing, she never texted me ever since. I really don't know what to do I've never been with anyone before and never touched a female and she was the only one I've ever felt these feelings with and i just can't let it go like that. I really don't know why she did that but maybe she just got bored of it and wanted to experience something irl but why couldn't she just wait:(((

If i ever hear that she's with someone in her country i would be so fucking heartbroken im js so scared to text her i hate rejection and i would be so torn apart if i hear from her that she's with someone:(( i js don't know what to do right now

ياريت اي حد عنده اوفر يبعتلي انا مستوايا B2 فوق و الاكسنت كويسة

بسرح بشكل مش طبيعي و بتفصل عن الواقع لمدة كدا كل شوية و بقعد افكر بحاول اوقف الافكير مش قادر

انا حاسس بقهرة و وجع ف صدري و ضيق من الحياة و مهموم بشكل مش طبيعي، بعد اللي شوفته ف امتحانات الثانوي و اللي حصل معايا من غلطات ف أسئلة انا عارفها بجد حزين حزن مش طبيعي و محدش حاسس بيا انا طول السنة كلها بذاكر و انا اصلا شخصية طالب دحيح و الأول ع مدرستي ف تالتة إعدادي و كنت طامح اكون من اوائل الجمهورية السنة دي و أڤورت ف المذاكرة و جيت ع نفسي جدا، بس استحالة احقق دا و مقهور جدا

لسة الامتحانات مخلصتش و ليالي الامتحانات بنامها معيط بس بردو بذاكر عشان اكون عملت اللي عليا بس انا بجد معنديش اي رغبة ف الحياة و نفسي ف قطر يدوسني

I was always the best student in class and the top one student at school, it was pretty much everything i was good at, but now 'the last and most important year of high school ' i kept studying for a year hoping that i would achieve my dream, but after every exam i realized i made many mistakes and i feel so horrible, my heart hurts so much all the time and i have that sharp pain in my chest and i can't breathe well, i don't eat or drink i keep thinking of the mistakes i made and keep replaying them in my head. I can't sleep but when i do i feel peace but once i wake up, that chest pain comes again and it is so bad I've been crying my eye balls out, I want to die so badly just to rest. I try to not think of them but i feel like im in deep grief i wish things went differently, im not as i used to be:(((((( I don't know what to do

يجدعان انا قلبي واجعني فشخ من ساعة العربي و زاد كل دا بسبب الكيميا انا طول السنة بذاكر و بقفل شوامل و الأول ع المدرسة ف تالتة إعدادي و يححصل معايا كدا ف اهم الامتحانات و عندي غلطات ف العربي و الكيميا، قلبي واجعني اوي و حاسس اني مش قادر اتنفس من امبارح و مش عارف انام نمت خمس ساعات بالعافية و مكلتش من 36 ساعة غير مرة و حاسس اني مفصول عن الواقع و مش حاسس بأي حاجة حوليا، حاسس اني قريب اوي من الموت او اني اعمل ف نفسي حاجة كل شوية برجع افكر ف الامتحانات اللي فاتت و الغلطات و اندم بشكل مش طبيعي و مش بقدر ابطل بسبب الوسواس القهري انا مش عارف اعمل ايه ارجوك انصحني او لو تعرف دوا او علاج او اي مهدئ من غير آثار جانبية قولي

انا محرج و حاسس ان اختياري لمعالجة مش معالج دي حاجة غير أخلاقية بحكم اني ولد بس انا مش حاسس اني ممكن افضفض لراجل مش عارف ليه بحس اني competitive مع الرجالة و مقدرش اظهر نقط ضعفي، انا عندي وسواس قهري مؤذي جدا و اكتئاب بييجي كل فترة و رغبة ف الموت و ان الحياة ملهاش لازمة، طول عمري مكانش عندي شخص من اهلي اخد منه نصيحة او احكيله ولا ابويا ولا امي طول عمري بحل مشاكلي بنفسي بس انا تعبت ف عايز الاقي الشخص دا، لو حد عنده ترشيحات لناس كويسة ف حدود الاسكندريه أو نصيحة عن الموضوع حتى يتفضل

انا محرج فشخ و حاسس ان اختياري لمعالجة مش معالج دي حاجة غير أخلاقية بحكم اني ولد بس انا مش حاسس نفسي بفضفض لراجل مش عارف ليه بحس اني competitive مع الرجالة و مقدرش اظهر نقط ضعفي، انا عندي وسواس قهري مؤذي جدا و اكتئاب بييجي كل فترة و رغبة ف الموت و ان الحياة ملهاش لازمة، طول عمري مكانش عندي شخص من اهلي اخد منه نصيحة او احكيله ولا ابويا ولا امي طول عمري بحل مشاكلي بنفسي بس انا تعبت ف عايز الاقي الشخص دا، لو حد عنده ترشيحات لناس كويسة ف حدود الاسكندريه أو نصيحة عن الموضوع حتى يتفضل

هلحق؟

انا كويس دراسيا جدا و الحمدلله بفهم، مش عارف اخصص اليوم اللي قبل الامتحان بس للمذاكرة /لأول مرة/ بالنسبة للمواد اللي برا المجموع ولا ابدأ اذاكرها دلوقتي، مع العلم اني محتاج كل ثانية حرفيا للمواد المهمة

كبرت مع أم كانت باردة عاطفيًا دا غير التعنيف المستمر، وعمري ما حسيت بالأمان معاها ع طول حاسس اني هتضرب ع أقل و اتفه الأسباب، أنا عندي 18 سنة ولسه ما دخلتش أي علاقة، لكن ع طول بحس إني منجذب جدًا للستات الأكبر مني، لدرجة إني تقريبًا ما عمي م حسيت بانجذاب لاي بنت في سني. الستات الأكبر بحس منهم بإحساس الرعاية والاحتواء والأمان اللي مفتقده

أوقات بحس إني عايز “mommy figure”. حتى لو مش بشكل رومانسي لكن عاطفي . وأنا عارف إن ده غالبًا طالع من احتياجات عاطفية ما اتلبّتش وأنا صغير، بس في نفس الوقت مش عارف إذا كان ده لوحده معناه إن الموضوع unhealthy ولا لأ و مش عارف اعمل ايه غير اني اكتئب و افضل قاعد بفكر اني هعيش و اموت وحيد

أنا كمان بتعلّق بسرعة أوي بأي حد يبين بس انه "طيب" حتى الحيوانات الأليفة و القطط بتعلق بيهم جدا، وده خلاني تايه ووحيد اكتر فكنت حابب أعرف لو حد مر بحاجة شبه كده أو عنده رأي يفيدني زائد اني مش هقدر اجرب الثيرابي لان استحالة حد يعرف عني الحاجات دي ف الحياة الواقعية انا بقول هنا عشان مجهول بس

I grew up with a mother who was emotionally distant, cold, and physically abusive. I never really felt safe around her, and I think that affected the kind of relationships I crave now. I’m 18, I've never been in a relationship, but I’ve noticed I’m strongly drawn to older women to the point that I've never been attracted to a girl my age, older women feel more caring, nurturing, emotionally safe, and comforting to me.

Sometimes I feel like I want a “mommy figure” in a relationship, not just romantically but emotionally too. I know that probably comes from unmet emotional needs growing up, but I don’t know any better and i don't know if that automatically makes it unhealthy

I’ve gotten attached too easily before because I was searching for warmth and care, and it’s left me feeling confused and lonely. I’m wondering if anyone else relates to this or has thoughts on it

Edit: Reading the comments, I realized it is really that bad and shameful

هل بعد الجهد دا كله لو موصلتش للي انا عايزه ابقا كدا فشلت، و ازاي ان الاستمرارية لا تعني حتمية الوصول و ف نفس الوقت عدم السعي يعني حتمية الفشل ف حين ان ناس كتير جدا جدا ف مصر بالذات بتوصل لمكانات عالية او فلوس و معارف و هما اسفل السافلين