Abandonment by FP
I screwed up.
I had finally found my safe person, someone who accepted me as I am. Nothing to hide, nothing to mask. And then an incident happened and I screwed up.
Yes, she was at fault as well, but I needed her more. I was fine being a tool she used as long as I got some care from her. I should have thought it through before reacting. I've been able to control such behaviors in the recent past, but this time I could not.
I could not fix it. Apologies, repentance would not fix it.
It's been 24 hours. I've been cutting myself. It helps.
I truly am a man unworthy of being accepted or cared for. The sad part is she was the one I could talk to when I was spiraling. Now she's not there.
In retrospect, the equation only worked when I had my BPD symptoms under control. No human can possibly handle my BPD symptoms.
I had a rule that I would never call her. It had to be her to call me. I did not want to be clingy, needy etc. It worked.