u/AzureRipper

I'm currently working through a lot of grief related to my parents being emotionally immature, neglectful, and pretty shit at parenting. They did a pretty good job of providing financial and material things, which I'm grateful for, but that's all they did. I grew up in a family devoid of love, affection and real human connection.

I've come up with the metaphor of being an "emotional orphan". That I had people providing for me but they were just caregivers, not real parents. That comes with a weird mix of grief and relief. I feel sad at the idea of being an orphan but it also gives me relief because I can finally let go of expectations. If I'm an orphan, I won't have any parental expectations.

Then I remember that I used to imagine this as a kid too. I had this story in my head that my real parents had died and left me with a foster family. And that that's why no one loved me. Now of course I'm starting to realize that they're completely incapable of loving anyone, including themselves.

Anyone else feel like this?

I'm currently working through a lot of grief related to my parents being emotionally immature and pretty shit at parenting. They did a pretty good job of providing financial and material things, which I'm grateful for, but that's all they did. I grew up in a family devoid of love, affection and real human connection.

I've come up with the metaphor of being an "emotional orphan". That I had people providing for me but they were just caregivers, not real parents. That comes with a weird mix of grief and relief. I feel sad at the idea of being an orphan but it also gives me relief because I can finally let go of expectations. If I'm an orphan, I won't have any parental expectations.

Then I remember that I used to imagine this as a kid too. I had this story in my head that my real parents had died and left me with a foster family. And that that's why no one loved me.

Anyone else feel like this?

I'm 32, currently re-playing Halo CE (through MCC) as "preparation" for playing the remake (Campaign Evolved). I want to re-play the original before the remake to have a frame of reference for what they changed.

I played the original Halo CE when I was a teenager. I think my first attempt at the game was when I 10 or so but I couldn't finish it then. I finally managed to finish it when I was 15-16.

Now, while replaying CE, the game feels much harder than it felt when I was a teenager, even though I'm playing the same difficulty (Normal). It's not that the gameplay difficulty has objectively changed but my tolerance for experiencing any kind of setbacks or mistakes feels different. I feel scared and stressed out in sections that I don't remember being scary. And I'm relying on a lot of video walkthroughs for shortcuts to get through the game. These didn't even exist when I was a kid! I just played through the game through trial and error and had to figure things out. That's why it took me so long to finish it - there were limited resources if you got stuck. So why do I need to look up shortcuts now?

Even with some other games, I start to get frustrated and agitated if I have to repeat a section more than twice. As a teenager, I remember several missions (in different games) which took 10+ tries to finish, but I would just practice and get through it.

Anyone else experience this? I can't tell if it's just age, lack of time, other adult life stressors, or it's just my nervous system/stress tolerance that is completely fucked.

I'm 32, currently re-playing Halo CE (through MCC) as "preparation" for playing the remake (Campaign Evolved). I want to re-play the original before the remake to have a frame of reference for what they changed.

I played the original Halo CE when I was a teenager. I think my first attempt at the game was when I 10 or so but I couldn't finish it then. I finally managed to finish it when I was 15-16.

Now, while replaying CE, the game feels much harder than it felt when I was a teenager, even though I'm playing the same difficulty (Normal). It's not that the gameplay difficulty has objectively changed but my tolerance for experiencing any kind of setbacks or mistakes feels different. I feel scared and stressed out in sections that I don't remember being scary. And I'm relying on a lot of video walkthroughs for shortcuts to get through the game. These didn't even exist when I was a kid! I just played through the game through trial and error and had to figure things out. That's why it took me so long to finish it - there were limited resources if you got stuck. So why do I need to look up shortcuts now?

Even with some other games, I start to get frustrated and agitated if I have to repeat a section more than twice. As a teenager, I remember several missions (in different games) which took 10+ tries to finish, but I would just practice and get through it.

Anyone else experience this? I can't tell if it's just age, lack of time, other adult life stressors, or it's just my nervous system/stress tolerance that is completely fucked.

I picked up this cheela mix when I last visited India. It's a mix of oat flour, chickpea flour, flax seeds and some other stuff. It's a ready to use mix - add equal parts mix and water and it's ready to go (supposedly). However, it never comes out right when I actually try to make it.

I've tried making it twice so far. First time, it stuck to the pan. Second time, it didn't stick but it's dry and rubbery, instead of being crispy.

I'm basically using a non-stick pan and trying to make it the way I would make pancakes. Medium-ish heat, pour batter, wait until the bubbles come up, then flip. But it just doesn't work. I've experimented with low heat, medium heat, and high heat. Different results each time, all mostly edible but not exactly appetizing. What am I doing wrong? 😅

Also, I have a waffle iron at home, which I use with store bought waffle mix. It's a similar kind of ready to use mix - just add milk and a bit of butter and add it to the waffle iron. Has anyone ever tried using a cheela mix in a waffle iron? Would you recommend or should I avoid? 🫢

EDIT: Forgot to mention. I'm using a tiny bit of olive oil to coat the pan before I pour the batter on. About 1 tsp of oil which I spread around with a silicon brush. Also, the cheela batter doesn't spread around as easily as the pancake batter does.

I've done a lot of work on CPTSD, 2+ years of EMDR and now coming up to nearly 1 year of managing life and triggers fairly well. I still get triggered but symptoms are much more manageable now.

I'm 32, single, low/no contact with most of my family. I speak to my mom every week, but it's very superficial conversation because she has the emotional maturity of a 5-yr old. The few close friends I have are away. Therapy appointments are now less than once a month.

One of the things I'm really missing in life is just the simple low-key everyday conversation. Someone asking "how was your day" when I get back from work. or catching up with someone on the weekend and being able to share the most mundane things.

Anyone wants to buddy up to just hvae those low-key conversations? I don't want serious talks or trauma discussions, just the everyday stuff. Work was busy, I tried a new recipe today, I had a headache and slept early - that sort of thing.

I'm in Central Europe time UTC +2, but can be flexible around time zones as long as it works out within my after work hours. We can start with reddit DM and then maybe move to discord.

I just picked up Halo Campaign Evolved and planning to start the campaign this weekend. Anyone in similar time zone (EU, UK, or able to match timings) want to do a co-op run? The game supports cross-platform play, so even if you're playing on PC or PS5 it should work.

I just picked up Halo Campaign Evolved and planning to start the campaign this weekend. Anyone in similar time zone (EU, UK, or able to match timings) want to do a co-op run? The game supports cross-platform play, so even if you're playing on PC or PS5 it should work.

Practical context: I've been doing EMDR for CPTSD since around October 2023. It was with Therapist #1 until February 2026, when she had to get a new job for various reasons. Since then I've continued with talk therapy + EMDR with a combo of different therapists and some self-guided work. I haven't been able to find one person who is EMDR trained and who I feel safe with, so I do a lot of bouncing back and forth, which makes the process cumbersome and not as smooth as it was with Therapist #1.

Past few weeks, I've been working through the realization that my parents are emotionally immature. For various reasons, including probably generational trauma, their emotional and relationship capacity is stunted at childish levels. This realization has brought a sense of finality and acceptance to the broader attachment related issues I have, including a fear of abadonment. Until now, somehow, I always had this hope that things would eventually change. Either they would finally learn or that I would finally be able to communicate better or that I would find some other figures (parental figures, mentors, romantic partners) who could fill in that gap. In a recent therapy session, I reached the realization that - that is never going to happen. The needs that were not met when I was a kid are never going to be met. My parents are never going to change, and no other relationship is ever going to fill that gap.

This has brought out a lot of grief and also a strange kind of fear that I think is coming from a younger part. That if I accept that this will never change... that would be a sort of catastrophe. This is also one of those things that I'm finding difficult to reconcile with since there isn't a clear-cut story of "that was the past, but the present is different". With several other topics, the work in EMDR has been around processing how things have changed or how I have more capacity as an adult. Here... all I can do is accept that nothing will ever change. Therapist #1 used to tell me that there is a difference in context - that parental abandonment is not life threatening for an adult as it is for a child. But the emotional weight still feels very heavy.

For anyone who's worked through something similar - what was that like? What came up during the work? And how did you eventually (if ever) reconcile with these forever-lost experiences?

Practical context: I've been doing EMDR for CPTSD since around October 2023. It was with Therapist #1 until February 2026, when she had to get a new job for various reasons. Since then I've continued with talk therapy + EMDR with a combo of different therapists and some self-guided work. I haven't been able to find one person who is EMDR trained and who I feel safe with, so I do a lot of bouncing back and forth, which makes the process cumbersome and not as smooth as it was with Therapist #1.

Past few weeks, I've been working through the realization that my parents are emotionally immature. For various reasons, including probably generational trauma, their emotional and relationship capacity is stunted at childish levels. This realization has brought a sense of finality and acceptance to the broader attachment related issues I have, including a fear of abadonment. Until now, somehow, I always had this hope that things would eventually change. Either they would finally learn or that I would finally be able to communicate better or that I would find some other figures (parental figures, mentors, romantic partners) who could fill in that gap. In a recent therapy session, I reached the realization that - that is never going to happen. The needs that were not met when I was a kid are never going to be met. My parents are never going to change, and no other relationship is ever going to fill that gap.

This has brought out a lot of grief and also a strange kind of fear that I think is coming from a younger part. That if I accept that this will never change... that would be a sort of catastrophe. This is also one of those things that I'm finding difficult to reconcile with since there isn't a clear-cut story of "that was the past, but the present is different". With several other topics, the work in EMDR has been around processing how things have changed or how I have more capacity as an adult. Here... all I can do is accept that nothing will ever change. Therapist #1 used to tell me that there is a difference in context - that parental abandonment is not life threatening for an adult as it is for a child. But the emotional weight still feels very heavy.

For anyone who's worked through something similar - what was that like? What came up during or after EMDR? And how did you eventually (if ever) reconcile with these forever-lost experiences?

I'm 32, 5'3" and 128 lbs (160 cm and 58 kg in metric).

Background story but non-critical info:

I will add that this is the lowest weight I've ever been in life. I hit around 132 lbs when I was barely 10 or 11 and was teased for being fat throughout my teenage years. Most of my adult life, I've hovered between 145-150 lbs. I finally ended up coming down to around 134 lbs during covid by focusing on my diet and managed to stay there. Then, over the past 10 months or so, I re-started my fitness journey (after a lot of injuries) and have now come down to 128 lbs. For me, this has been the good kind of weight loss. I feel fitter, stronger, and my clothes fit me so much better.

Food has, of course, been a huge part of this journey. I grew up in a vegetarian desi household, where we had a mix of North Indian and Tamil Brahmin food at home. In other words, high carbs, high fats, not enough protein. When I was doing the covid weight loss, I wasn't working out a lot, so my resting metabolism was quite low. I managed to achieve the weight loss by replacing carbs with fiber (salads and veggies) and just cutting portion sizes.

Critical info:

However, in the last few months, I've found myself needing a lot more protein to make up for my gym workouts. So far, I've been relying a lot on ground beef/chicken and whey protein but I'm starting to get bored with those same few meals. I also miss having some of my favorite Asian foods - Indian as well as more East Asian. I'm scared to eat rice, rotis, parathas, or noodles because I'm worried it will make me fat again 🙁 Dal has a poor calories to protein ratio compared to lean animal protein. I'm also afraid of eating too much butter and cheese because of the high fat %. And then I see white people eating lots of cheese and butter and bread (I live in Northern Europe) and still being so fit, and I don't understand how they do it 😭

Main questions:

For anyone here who's done research into South Asian fitness / diet / metabolism, how are South Asian genes different from white people? Is there a significant significant difference in how we process bread, cheese, butter, etc, compared to ethnic Europeans? Or is it more about the lifestyle? Are there any specific foods that are more likely to make me fat compared?

For general audience, what kind of foods do you enjoy eating which makes you feel happy AND stay fit? Are these twists to Indian/Asian food you follow? Portion control? Or rely on more boring steak/chicken and potatoes and whey protein (as a supplement)?

I have never very limited experiences of being love and comforted in life. I never experienced love in my family while growing up. I used to think there was something wrong with me but, over time, I've realized that my parents (and the family in general) was simply incapable of love or connection. Both my parents are emotionally immature, have non-existing emotional regulation, and are unable to connect with people. I never felt loved or comforted or even safe growing up.

I've also never had a safe loving romantic relationship (I'm 32). I've been in maybe 2 proper relationships in life - both were kinda one-sided, where I was a backup option for the other person, and both ended with me being cheated on. Other than that, I've only experienced situationships. I am trying to date right now, but almost no one seems to be interested in me, interested in something series, and monogamous. It also doesn't help that I'm queer. This is a sore point for me - seeing other people in happy relationships while I'm still struggling.

The only experiences I have of feeling loved or comforted fall into these categories:

1. Families of my 2 closest friends - who basically treat me as an extension of their families
2. Mentor-like figures, especially women who are significantly older and have grown-up kids
3. My former trauma therapist, who I lost last year when she lost her job and had to move
4. Few close friends who I would consider "chosen family" but who live far away

I will add that I have done a lot of trauma therapy to work through the emotional neglect and reach a point of internalized secure attachment. But it doesn't replace the real felt experience of being loved and comforted in real life.

So my question is - in the absence of those real relationships that other people have access to (family, parents, siblings, partners) - where and how exactly can I find those felt experiences of love and comfort?

I have never very limited experiences of being love and comforted in life. I never experienced love in my family while growing up. I used to think there was something wrong with me but, over time, I've realized that my parents (and the family in general) was simply incapable of love or connection. Both my parents are emotionally immature, have non-existing emotional regulation, and are unable to connect with people. I never felt loved or comforted or even safe growing up.

I've also never had a safe loving romantic relationship (I'm 32). I've been in maybe 2 proper relationships in life - both were kinda one-sided, where I was a backup option for the other person, and both ended with me being cheated on. Other than that, I've only experienced situationships. EDIT: I am trying to date right now, but almost no one seems to be interested in me AND interested in a serious monogamous relationship (it doesn't help that I'm queer). This also becomes a sore point for me - seeing other people in happy relationships while I'm still struggling.

The only experiences I have of feeling loved or comforted fall into these categories:

1. Families of my 2 closest friends - who basically treat me as an extension of their families
2. Mentor-like figures, especially women who are significantly older and have grown-up kids
3. My former EMDR therapist, who I lost last year when she lost her job and had to move
4. Few close friends who I would consider "chosen family" but who live far away

I will add that I have done a lot of EMDR work which involved creating internalized secure attachment. The way it played out was my younger parts looking to adult-me as the primary secure attachment figure and some fictional characters as secondary figures. Most recently, there was an image that came up of my "real mom" as a sort of "mother figure who really truly loved me but then died". It was like creating a "perfect parental figure" as a resource.

What I'm getting at that I've done A LOT of the internal work - working through the shame, parts fragmentation, creating secure attachment resources and so on. But it doesn't replace the real felt experience of being loved and comforted in real life.

So my question is - in the absence of those real relationships that other people have access to (family, parents, siblings, partners) - where and how exactly can I find those felt experiences of love and comfort?

I recently started Children of Strife, having read the entire series until now. I've reached until chapter 8.3 (page 264 on my Kindle). I can see themes of conflict and death emerging, which has been a bit unsettling for me emotionally.

I'm currently going through some stuff in life, which relates to grief, loss and sadness. And I have a trauma anniversary around the corner, which usually messes with my head.

What kind of emotions does this book carry from here on? Are there some specific points in the book where things get really creepy or horrifying? I had moments in the second book, with the Nod organism that felt really creepy and makes me feel nauseous just thinking about it. But that was a few years ago and I was in a different place in life then.

No spoilers please, just let me know what to expect emotionally and if there are some chapters where I should hit the breaks.

I recently started Children of Strife, having read the entire series until now. I've reached until chapter 8.3 (page 264 on my Kindle). I can see themes of conflict and death emerging, which has been a bit unsettling for me emotionally.

I'm currently going through some stuff in life, which relates to grief, loss and sadness. And I have a trauma anniversary around the corner, which usually messes with my head.

What kind of emotions does this book carry from here on? Are there some specific points in the book where things get really creepy or horrifying? I had moments in the second book, with the Nod organism that felt really creepy and makes me feel nauseous just thinking about it. But that was a few years ago and I was in a different place in life then.

No spoilers please, just let me know what to expect emotionally and if there are some chapters where I should hit the breaks.

I had previously made another post about struggling to find a middle ground with a parent who has good intentions but is clearly incapable of real emotional connection (link).

I was journaling a lot yesterday and had this breakthrough moment.

>She is not my mom.

She is a parent, legal guardian, birth-giver, relative, whatever - but she is not "mom". For me, the title of mom carries a lot of weight, which she is incapable of carrying. A mom is supposed to be someone who loves me, takes care of me, supports me, and teaches me hwo to handle life. She didn't do any of that. Sure, she provided for me in a lot of ways, but that's a different role than "mother".

I'm not going to cut contact completely, but I am stripping her of the title of "mom". The mom that I want doesn't exist. There is grief in that but it comes with some kind of closure. I'm no longer waiting for something to change, no longer expecting things from her that I will never get.

I'm basically an orphan. I have no parents, no family. I have people who are related to me, but they are not family. This somehow comes as relief, because it means I can let go of expectations and stop waiting for something that will never happen.

My dad has always been an asshole (bad intentions), while my mom has been the parent who had good intentions (she genuinely tried) but still couldn't meet my needs.

For the past 2-3 weeks, there's been a recurring theme coming up in therapy about how my relationship with my mom feels very shallow and superficial. Recently, I started reading the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents", which feels like it describes both my parents. Emotionally immature and stunted. Yesterday, while journaling, it occurred to me that my mom is probably incapable of real connection.

(Note: I am only talking about emotional & relational maturity here, not going into other circumstances that contributed to the emotional neglect.)

There are some patterns I noticed that led me to this conclusion (feel free to skip if too long):

• Me, my brother, my dad - all of us feel like we were never loved by her. Even if my dad has his own issues, the fact that the entire family feels like she didn't love us says something.
• My mom is able to bond with animals much better than with humans. I recognize this as a trauma/attachment pattern that even I have. People feel unsafe, so animals feel much safer as attachment figures compared to people.
• Whenever she talks about family, whether it's me, my brother, or anyone else, her focus always seems to be around responsibilities and keeping up social appearances. It's a lot of what "a normal family" looks like, people appearing to be happy or tigh-knit. Otherwise it's about her "fulfilling her responsibilities". I have never heard her talk about the actual emotional experience of anything, just how it appears on the surface.
• She has a complete inability to engage in any emotional topics or communciate how she's feeling. Her emotions always come out as passive aggression, or silence, or as weird facial expressions. Never words or clean communication.

I also recognize a lot of her patterns as patterns that I repeated in many of my relationships, until I worked on them in therapy. Which to me is a powerful tell - if these patterns surfaced as topics I had to work on in therapy, and she displays these patterns, then she clearly has issues that she's never worked on.

I feel like I'm now in a bit of a weird place that I don't know what to do with. I've already set very clear boundaries to protect myself from her damaging behaviors. There isn't anything she's doing right now that I need to protect myself from. It's more the absence of love and connection. She calls me every week and I just get bored talking to her. It feels like making small talk with a colleague. We talk about the weather, about what I had for breakfast or lunch, and just very superficial topics. There's nothing harmful in those conversations, it just feels like a weekly chore I have to do.

I know step 1 is probably to adjust my expectations of her. I know she's incapable of meeting my needs, so I should just mentally categorize her as a someone I have to make small talk with once a week. And that I shouldn't expect her to be able to listen to my issues or be there for me when I need her. But I don't know what comes next. Do I just accept that this is how it's going to be? Or is there any hope for change? Or do I reduce contact with her even further if she can't meet my needs?

My dad has always been an asshole (bad intentions), while my mom has been the parent who had good intentions (she genuinely tried) but still couldn't meet my needs.

For the past 2-3 weeks, there's been a recurring theme coming up in therapy about how my relationship with my mom feels very shallow and superficial. Recently, I started reading the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents", which feels like it describes both my parents. Emotionally immature and stunted. Yesterday, while journaling, it occurred to me that my mom is probably incapable of real connection.

(Note: I am only talking about emotional & relational maturity here, not going into other circumstances that contributed to the emotional neglect.)

There are some patterns I noticed that led me to this conclusion (feel free to skip if too long):

• Me, my brother, my dad - all of us feel like we were never loved by her. Even if my dad has his own issues, the fact that the entire family feels like she didn't love us says something.
• My mom is able to bond with animals much better than with humans. I recognize this as a trauma/attachment pattern that even I have. People feel unsafe, so animals feel much safer as attachment figures compared to people.
• Whenever she talks about family, whether it's me, my brother, or anyone else, her focus always seems to be around responsibilities and keeping up social appearances. It's a lot of what "a normal family" looks like, people appearing to be happy or tigh-knit. Otherwise it's about her "fulfilling her responsibilities". I have never heard her talk about the actual emotional experience of anything, just how it appears on the surface.
• She has a complete inability to engage in any emotional topics or communciate how she's feeling. Her emotions always come out as passive aggression, or silence, or as weird facial expressions. Never words or clean communication.

I also recognize a lot of her patterns as patterns that I repeated in many of my relationships, until I worked on them in therapy. Which to me is a powerful tell - if these patterns surfaced as topics I had to work on in therapy, and she displays these patterns, then she clearly has issues that she's never worked on.

I feel like I'm now in a bit of a weird place that I don't know what to do with. I've already set very clear boundaries to protect myself from her damaging behaviors. There isn't anything she's doing right now that I need to protect myself from. It's more the absence of love and connection. She calls me every week and I just get bored talking to her. It feels like making small talk with a colleague. We talk about the weather, about what I had for breakfast or lunch, and just very superficial topics. There's nothing harmful in those conversations, it just feels like a weekly chore I have to do.

I know step 1 is probably to adjust my expectations of her. I know she's incapable of meeting my needs, so I should just mentally categorize her as a someone I have to make small talk with once a week. And that I shouldn't expect her to be able to listen to my issues or be there for me when I need her. But I don't know what comes next. Do I just accept that this is how it's going to be? Or is there any hope for change? Or do I reduce contact with her even further if she can't meet my needs?

I've been doing a lot of trauma therapy in recent years for CPTSD. The more I heal, the more I start to realize (or remember?) how fucked up my parents/family are.

My dad has always been an abusive asshole, there's no questions there. But recently, I've been increasingly questioning my mom's behavior.

Something that came up in therapy just a few weeks ago was about how emotionally immature my mom is. This has been a tricky topic for me to come to terms with because she's very good with practical things and with maintaining relationships with colleagues, extended family etc. She tried very hard to be there for us as kids, so I can't fault her on intent. And I can see that she's good at maintaining relationships with other people. But what came up during therapy is how shallow and distanced my relationship to her feels.

I live abroad, speak to her once a week, and visit once a year during Christmas time. Our phone conversations have been feeling like just making small talk. This isn't something new that changed recently either. It's always been like this, I'm just noticing it more now. Moreover, my mom seems to have zero capacity to engage with any emotions except happiness. It's as if I'm only allowed to share emotions if they're happy emotions. If I bring up anything uncomfortable, she somehow finds a way to make it about herself. If I tell her I'm lonely, she'll somehow bring up everything she tried to do in my childhood. If I bring up something about me being unhappy, she'll talk about how I have everything she didn't, so I should be happy. It doesn't help that a lot of my trauma is associated with the family. But even then, anything I bring up somehow becomes about her and her issues and her struggles. If she doesn't make it about herself, she'll ignore what I said and just continue talking about her problems.

A couple of years ago, she came to visit me where I live and it was an absolute disaster. We didn't talk about it afterwards, but I was journaling about this yesterday. What I wrote down was that "I never invited you. You invited yourself. And never bothered to ask me what I wanted." That entire trip was about her and what she wanted out of it.

The difficult part is that she's normally practical, logical, quite liberal and good with people. It's emotional content that somehow activates her messy side and then she starts behaving like a child who can't control her emotions but also doesn't know how to communicate properly. And then it turns into this weird passive aggressive hot & cold behavior, where I'm left guessing what she wants because she'll refuse to say anything except make snide remarks, occassionally punctured by weird facial expressions.

When I've brought this up with some cousins, they said "that's just how our moms are". And I can't tell if this just runs in the family or if it's a desi cultural norm.

Sorry for the long rant. I'm trying to make sense of all this in my head.