It’s been two years and several months since drug induced psychosis
No friends
No social life
I don’t go out
Extreme isolation
Alone
I just wake up every morning then
Force myself to walk for like 5 min then come back inside and go on my phone while laying down until night when I go to sleep
Almost 25 yrs old
I can’t take it anymore
No matter how much pain or suffering i experience
I will try till my very last breath
To make the life of my dreams come true
…
Which means getting a JOB
Making FRIENDS
and trying new things like maybe joining a GROUP of some sort
I think ima try customer service 🤔🤔
…
I thought I could do this forever (stay a shut in) but the pain is to unbearable
Im integrating after 1 year and 5-6 months
I can’t take it anymore
No matter how much pain or suffering i experience
I will try till my very last breath
To make the life of my dreams come true
…
Which means getting a JOB
Making FRIENDS
and trying new things like maybe joining a GROUP of some sort
I think ima try customer service 🤔🤔
…
I thought I could do this forever (stay a shut in) but the pain is to unbearable
I literally lay down all day and night on my phone
(Phone off at bedtime tho before sleep
Going on 1 year 5-6 months
I literally lay down all day and night on my phone
It’s literally just me and my phone
No social interaction
Shut in
Isolated
No social life
No friends
Only very minimal talk with mother (like very very rarely - and if not at all )
(Im quiet like all the time + dont speak unless spoken to basically)
It’s been this way so far for 1 yr and 5-6 months …
Im 24 about to be 25 next month
It’s literally just me and my phone
No social interaction
Shut in
Isolated
No social life
Only very minimal talk with mother (like very very rarely - and if not at all most of the time)
(Im quiet like all the time + dont speak unless spoken to basically)
It’s been this way so far for 1 yr and 5-6 months …
Im 24 about to be 25 next month
There is literally no one to teach and or guide you back to your normal self in the healthcare system
After I was lost in the streets for months after dug induced psychosis ,
I fear that my mind is different
But it all may just be in my head if that makes sense
Idk the psychosis reality was a terrifying reality of that in which I had no control over my body and mind at some point …
I have asked my psychologist for a brain scan but she is currently looking into if I can get one
I just wanna be normal back to the self I knew that didnt give a shit about anything and would just do things such as get a job chase my dreams and also just be livin life without overthinking shii really
If literally do so many things on my own like catch the bus go to the beach go to the library the stores , shopping, working, skating etc all by myself and my mind didnt stop me Thats for sure
It was weed meth or some other substance and I just wanna know if my brain will be the same again
I probably have to do some research on it
I don’t understand how doctors all thwy have to offer is pills medication yea yea
But what about the training of the brain kind of like physical therapy ?? Like guiding a muscle or something
Clearly im not that knowledgeable on the brain lol
But shii I just wanna stop worrying if my mind will ever be the same from drugs cause of placebo effect and also idk if it’s all just in my head
I just want the definitive answer
Maybe something only I can give myself
But I have tried the there is nothing wrong with my mind reality
Im so tired
So I just lay down on my phone all day .
I only get up to brush my teeth shower do dishes dump trash - which only lasts for like 10min total ….
And then the only twice a month appointment
It’s been like a year and a half so far of doing this
Are there really people out there that do this to?
I feel like the only one who lays down literally all day and ofc night when I sleep
Should I sit up
I just feel like there’s no point cause I’ll be looking down on my phone then anyways…
Are there people who have gained mental clarity/stability , or “sanity “ aka recovered fully
After drugged induced psychosis ?
From weed / meth mostly …
or other drugs ???
What would we even be doing fr if we didn’t have phones or devices….
On my own…
Thinking about venturing into the forest and learn to forage.
Plus learn to grow my own food because you never know what you’re gonna get.
Im thinking that if I learn to SURVIVE,
I can face homelessness like a BOSS
I live in an island but I have access to plenty forest and also the ocean
If I learn the spots to fish and can be able to catch them skillfully, then I can be set for life
I mean the ocean is right next to me!
The only thing though is I’ll be doing this ON MY OWN.
Yes I have my parents , but we basically never talk and there’s an unspokeness amongst us that shows me welp im truly alone .
Basically what my CARDS are is I have a shelter, food, and water. Just no money 😂 just gonna have to catch fish w my hands I guess 🤷🏽♀️ climb a coconut tree like my ancestors 😂😭
I don’t feel like working because really? What am I actually building for myself if I slave to money, but come home and have no time to BUILD things that will actually substantiate me…
It means I would be reliant on the system …
Ive never identified with not having friends before but that’s where i am right now
24
Another card I have to deal with, is having had weed induced psychosis and also drugged induced psychosis before plus suicide attempts so I am unknown currently on my mental state
But tbh?
Ima have to make do
Cause if I can’t escape pain
Minus well logically speaking , build shit everyday Thats gone make my life more comfortable in every way
even if it’s …
Alone
This is one of my goals to be self reliant and trusting of my own hand
And if I can accomplish this
I’ll really just be fine fr
Cruising on a beach with a coconut 🥥
Thinking about venturing into the forest and learn to forage.
Plus learn to grow my own food because you never know what you’re gonna get.
Im thinking that if I learn to SURVIVE,
I can face homelessness like a BOSS
I live in an island but I have access to plenty forest and also the ocean
If I learn the spots to fish and can be able to catch them skillfully, then I can be set for life
I mean the ocean is right next to me!
The only thing though is I’ll be doing this ON MY OWN.
Yes I have my parents , but we basically never talk and there’s an unspokeness amongst us that shows me welp im truly alone .
Basically what my CARDS are is I have a shelter, food, and water. Just no money 😂 just gonna have to catch fish w my hands I guess 🤷🏽♀️ climb a coconut tree like my ancestors 😂😭
I don’t feel like working because really? What am I actually building for myself if I slave to money, but come home and have no time to BUILD things that will actually substantiate me…
It means I would be reliant on the system …
Ive never identified with not having friends before but that’s where i am right now
24
Another card I have to deal with, is having had weed induced psychosis and also drugged induced psychosis before plus suicide attempts so I am unknown currently on my mental state
But tbh?
Ima have to make do
Cause if I can’t escape pain
Minus well logically speaking , build shit everyday Thats gone make my life more comfortable in every way
even if it’s …
Alone
This is one of my goals to be self reliant and trusting of my own hand
And if I can accomplish this
I’ll really just be fine fr
Cruising on a beach with a coconut 🥥
I MISS MY OLD SELF or brain before drugs
I really didn’t give af about no one’s opinion and constantly went towards my goals regardless of any adversity . I started working as soon as I got my workers permit at 15, and at around 17-18 I developed a talent by then at cashier, and did great at my job. In fact , I held two jobs by 17-18 and enjoyed working after school after I’d skate there after the bell rang. I took my own initiative to get a job. I was quick witted funny, and ambitious . I had great customer service , and I worked in food industry at subway as a sandwich artist and at a smoothie shop. I made many friends and enjoyed making money . I was good at what I did . And I had no doubt in my mind that the world was my canvas. I was constantly told about how smart or brilliant I seemed, and I had no problem holding long detailed conversations….i myself was youthful full of life and always happy or optimistic in the midst of anything .
— This was before I stumbled across some weed at aeound 20, that changed my thinking patterns at that time …
I was having delusion and
I ended up in a different state after being on the streets for several days and a stranger offered me some drugs there that I had no clue what it was. It ended up being meth and I basically low-key , lost control of reality and ended up lost in psychosis on the streets for around a month! I was also drugged with possibly other unknown substances there
It was TRAUMATIZING
When I finally grasped reality to the fullest and gained control of some of my senses , I dialed my moms phone number and somehow my family from the other state found me and was able to send me back by plane
When I came back to the home
There was no help no brain scan or no guidance
NO ONE HELPED ME LEARN HOW TO LIVE LIFEOR GAIN INSIGHT on how to get my mind back
The only thing I could think of to do was to create an imaginary family to support me in my current reality so I just imagined visually a mom and dad around me or thought about them aeound me
I mustered up whatever strength I had and for myself added some social life by meetup aps
And ended up getting myself a job
I got myself a job and rented a spot for 900 a month for around a year while paying my own way …
I got caught up later on tho in some meth some other drugs also and idk if my mind will be the same . They’ve said schizophrenia after the drugs but I don’t believe it .
I never will
I feel that whatever happened is drug induced and it just takes time to get my mind on track
I just don’t know how to
Hospitals and psych wards dont do shit
And forcing meds doesn’t guide or train my mind
I had it all going for me
A nice job my own spot
Indipendence
Then I decided to do some drugs
And don’t know how it affected my brain
Because of this unknown state of mind , I am undecided on my decisions forward
And so therefore I have chosen the life of a recluse
The isolation and not aiming for my goals causes feelings that are unbearable like im about to explode
Im so used to just heading in the direction of my wants and needs regardless of pain
Now I feel like a lion in a cage
There’s no freedom
When ironically i built the walls myself
All because I can’t suicide
I just gotta know
So like am I the only one who literally didnt talk to anyone besides my specific friends at school ?
I remember every period which was 7, I basically didnt say anything to anyone in class .
I’d wait until break or lunch to speak with my best friends which was 2 people
Now Im like wait a second ….
Is this bad?
Tbh when I recall highschool I honestly don’t feel like I identified myself as a loner because to me - I had friends
But now looking back , im like wait a minute
I was literally the quiete not click with anyone just there person (in my classes)
I never took the initiative in those classes to speak to others unless I had to .
Ironically thankfully i don’t recall having anxiety in classes and also I was never bullied but ,
I question if it’s because in my mind I was loyal to my friends so i had no need to make new friends which made me that way ?
I’ve done the unthinkable
Ive managed to isolate myself for 3 years
Im 24
It’s still ongoing
It’s hard when Ive seen myself at my best
So excuses be like welp
no matter how low I go I know I’ll know who I am …
I literally lay down all day everyday up until I have an appointment . Which is a few appointments monthly
I literally only walk when I get up to pee or have to eat, or stand and do dishes , or shower
Which means ?? Im horizontal like predominantly 😂😭
Horizontal for 23 hrs a day around plus…
I have no reason to get up, yet have a nagging feeling of not wanting to feel crippled when I have to go to certain gatherings, or I don’t want to be crippled when time calls for me to move to a new environment
Not wanting to feel like a corpse either
Yet I don’t know why I can’t just accept it as it is
I have nothing to get up and workout for besides health reasons yet for some reason even thats not enough to get me moving - im like yea im Alive Thats enough
Tbh Ive never witnessed myself “rotting away before”
I wanna accept all things opposite of what my feelings and desires want me to uphold
But everything in me doesn’t feel ok with being idle and giving my life away to this lifestyle
It’s only been 7-8 months so far…
I must be in the beginning stages
Cause everyday is a constant reminder of who I am “becoming” and the feelings and emotions that scream at me to change
Yet I have no reason to change
The reasons just arnt big enough
Alone alone
I wanna to know if someone has mastered aloneness to the degree im thinking of…
Like a person who can sit on the beach alone, with the food he got himself, staring out into the sunset, and just chillin But alone alone for like 5 10 20 30 years + kine
Whose homeless yes (or doesn’t have to be)
But can actually function
As in doing ok
Has enough to get by
And has no problem meeting his basic needs
Im not talking in the dessert or forest alone kind isolated
Im talking like someone alone while others pass by (like a city park or beach)
I’ve seen a bruhduh once who was homeless , and it amazed me to some degree because I realized whenever I went out to the park , im like why do I always see this guy collecting cans?
Ive seen this guy outside throughout 15 years (like seen him collecting cans)
This guy has a strong suntan and big belly but overall looks healthy …
Got me thinking
If he can do it maybe so can I …
I am 24fm rn but was 21-22 when …>>
I’ve accomplished renting out my own spot for $900 a month , on the 23rd floor of a building , and bought myself everything I needed, for a year while working , and biking there or skating as transport . I managed to buy myself also, a tv, iPad, egg chair, computer, clothes + food etc . I was alone yes , but I had a best friend only through online tho . Also, I had family in my contacts although i basically never spoke to them but they lived like 30 min away by freeway. and I’d meet up with random people best I could on meeting apps to add a social life as best as I could / find my circle….
Eventually my work schedule lessened i feel as more people were entering the job, so I couldn’t afford rent but my parents wouldn’t take me in so then I decided ima live on the beach….
Yea I guess I could be considered alone alone at that time like physically besides my online people on my phone . I did it on my own by buying a storage unit near my job which is near the beach which was cool lol. There was a laundromat nearby and I knew where the bathrooms were and water was. I basically survived alone outside and low-key it was fun asf . I slept on the beach after work, and sat on a sports chair , with my phone on the sidewalk when they closed the park. I biked to and from work and bathed at planet fitness .
But how did I mentally survive? Welp I had an imaginary family existing in my reality 24/7 by my side and honestly ?
I’d say I had amazing memories whilst not struggling as much as one would think
also there was casual familiar faces who’d hang w me also sometimes but also
A part of me thinks like…
I wanna try see if I can do it alone alone (as in without imaginary family) because rly?
Im just tired and don’t feel like fitting in with anyone I don’t like , and I don’t feel like trying at all neither …
So I wanna see if someone mastered aloneness to the highest degree cause so far Ive witnessed a little bit of life alone and I fuckin loved it
\- I just had an imaginary family w me tho…
To make this easier to understand I guess what i want to be is self reliant on myself to the extent of being able to be reliable on me without a single Person in my life. A fear I want to conquer. Because if I can conquer that, I feel I can conquer anything …
Tbh if money wasn’t an issue
We’d all be out their living our best life
Not afraid to fuck up and make mistakes
Love and get hurt
Just to find your true people
In reality,
After school, we were left to the cold harsh truths of society,
That made us believe we weren’t anything based upon what is “ideal” as success and happiness in our minds
But truth is
No one is where they wanna be, if they a wage slave
I think many of us just have high ambitions, goals, and dreams that we were gonna amount to greatness, in school growing up as the backseat of what kept us hopeful for a “perfect” future.
But the cold hard truth?
All humans need is shelter , food, and water
Just like every animal
And all day everyday? Mfs are surviving to stay alive
Fuck all the ideas and concepts created to heal a mother fucker to bring them to their “true self”
It is another way for mfs to come together and waste time believing they are healthy and happier as time goes on but in reality ,
It is all an illusion and state of being that people come up with to distract them from the true nature of things
Which is bitch you broke and forever a slave to the system
- until you come up with a genius way to be financially free and finally able to do things ,
But this time, doing so from a place of contempt
But mfs arnt,
(Arnt contempt) -
the only life they experienced or fathomed is through the Disease in life
And what disease is this?
One created by man
Called a non functional system that doesn’t even cater to the basic human need
Because you know what ?
It is human -
Our species-
In where it is only natural for
A mother and father to want to give everything to their child through
Love
Yet if a system, made by humans
Throws his child into nature,
without a single thing to his name
and only knowledge from the system itself (school) is what this child has to go by
Welp America?
You don’t love your people
You failed , fucked up and are destroying innocent lives of real living people
How dare you be selfish
And practically force children into the wilderness
With nothing but random gibberish and nonsense to go by
And with what ?
Not a single thing to his name . That being the basic necessities such as
Food ?
Water and ?
Shelter ?
To America:
What you have done is basically talked your ass off all day for years while we sat payed attention and listened
But rly?
What the fuck did WE THE PEOPLE >> DO!?!
Yes I said it - DO !?!?
Because in realness no one talking his ass off All day to someone is gonna get him to UNDERSTAND how to live life
A Mf will have forgotten basically everything you said dumb ass bitch
Some system we have