All today and yesterday I've felt nothing but utter dysphoria and want to have something to smile about, so what's something good that's happened to you today?
I feel like I'm stuck in terms of dysphoria. Not just due to costs either. I feel dysphoric about the fact I even need HRT to look like or sound like a man.(Though due to current circumstances I am pre HRT) I feel dysphoric about the idea of needing top surgery or having top surgery scars. I think the worst part is I feel dysphoric about bottom surgery since it's a lose lose lose situation.
I just wish I was cis. Idc if I was a cis guy or cis girl, I just wish I was cis.... How much of this goes away after hrt? Will it go away at all?
I find making art about my fears, my sadness, guilt, etc is very helpful. I don't do it frequently but when I do it helps. They're also always symbolic in a way. Id show you guys but one of them involves gore (fear of dying, especially pain) and the other involves nudity (gender dysphoria. It wasn't sexual.) wbu? Has vent art helped you
Gender dysphoria doesn't always get in the way, but it does very frequently. And when it does, even if I still feel unsatisfied, I don't keep going because I just feel fucking disgusting afterwards.
Especially a kid who attempted suicide less than a year ago!(In December)
Like seriously. My dad said that the stress my school schedule was gonna put on me was gonna make me kms. And he said this as a **joke**. It was very uncomfortable and I have no idea why the fuck he'd say that.
Idk what to say here.
What I currently hate most is my brain saying "what if you're not really trans but just a fujoshi? Hmmm other people think you're a fujoshi, maybe they're right."
Even though I knew I was under the trans umbrella far before I even started reading or shipping BL. I used to mostly read mainly BL books or straight romance books with a male main character. Usually BL because that guaranteed the main character would be male and also I just wanted to read LGBT+ fiction and that was mostly what I could find.
In fanfiction I don't just read or write BL either. A lot of my ships aren't bl, (I'm not big into shipping culture)
Granted I will say a lot of Webtoons I read are BL but certainly not all of them.
And on top of all this... I AM NOT A WOMAN! I am a non binary man. (Well, almost. I'm 17) I am in no way a fujoshi because I am not a woman.
Buty brain won't listen and decides to let imposter syndrome get in the way.
I'm bored so I'm doing this
The duality of man
I wish I was cisgender. I wish I was a cisgender woman so I didn't feel like I was hurting women by just wanting to transition. So I didn't feel like I was letting them down somehow. Especially sapphic women since I am pretty sure if I was cisgender I would be sapphic(I'm pretty sure I'm asexual bi-romantic)
I wish I could provide more solidarity. I wish finding love was something to be confident in instead of worrying if they will like me post transition or if they like me pre transition.
I wish I could my tits removed. I wish cutting my breasts up with scissors didn't relieve dysphoria.
I wish I could find my stupid binder
I wish I could come out and transition
I wish that I didn't exist. I don't want to suffer anymore.
I wish that I could look at my naked body in the mirror and feel proud of it instead of feeling like the body isn't mine.
I wish I had a stronger community and stronger solidarity in how I feel about my gender identity.
I wish I had a bi or pan girlfriend or boyfriend (preferably girlfriend) who would love me both pre and post transition and I wouldn't have to worry.
I wish I could relate more to sapphic women or achillean men. (Achillean is the male version of sapphic) Instead of being transmasc but non binary and relating to neither community fully.
I wish I related to the non binary community more, especially because I know non binary people irl but I don't fully because I'm on the thin line between being binary trans man and non binary. (I'm genderfaun). I feel like I'm too binary to relate to non binary people but too non binary to relate to binary people
I wish I was a cisgender man so I felt more confident in my own masculinity and more confident in who I was as a person.
I wish that my parents picked a better name than Charlesworth for if I was born with a dick and balls so that I could take the name would have picked as my chosen name with pride.
I wish for so many things. But I feel like no matter what happens I will always feel like an outcast in every community.
I bet if I was a cis woman I'd feel like an outcast because I don't fully expierence romantic attraction due to being on the aromantic spectrum and feeling no sexual attraction as far as I know.
The aroace community is genuinely the only place online or irl is the only queer community I've really felt connected to and felt like I belonged in. I wish I could feel that way with other communities.
What does this say about me? Idk.
I personally do, however I do know a few people who worship the Greek gods but do not believe in the myths beyond what the gods represent. I am curious to what others believe because I see the myths as important to my practice and my worship
edit: when I say believe I am not talking about 100% myth literalism. I mean that there can be truths, I mean there is a piece of literalism but it is not fully accurate.
People I know who say they don't believe in the myths, usually disregard them completely seeing no point or purpose to them, including not even bothering to read the myths
I do not believe in them being fully accurate, but still holding truth and pieces of accuracy. I believe in them the same way I see fanfictions of media where there is true and they do try to stay accurate to a lot of things, while also making changes.
I'm scared to tell her. She's accepting but I HATE coming out. Unfortunately I need to come out to get any sort of treatment.
Even more I'm terrified that when talking with my dad cause sometimes my dad joins our sessions she'll slip up. I'm sooo scared. How do I come out
Note: I'm not looking for replies or up votes IDFK. It's late at night and I can't write in a notebook right now because everyone in my family is a night owl and writing a reddit post and hiding phone is easier than hiding writing in a notebook my dad would read. I don't want validation or shit. It helps this subreddit is not full of traffic
Every slice of me is stupid. I know that very well. I am young, I am foolish, and everyone else knows too. To the old I am ignorant because of my youth, I am a stereotype of the arrogant teen. To the young I am uneducated social matters. I try to sound intelligent, but I know it is a lie, for even with age I will have those older call me a young fool, and I still will be. I will always be stupid as I can never know everything. I will always be a fool. Why pretend I am anything else? Why pretend I have potential? I want to be someone who others look up to, but I know that is only a dream. I am not smart. I know. I am not wise either. Everything I say, everything I do, everything I will say, everything I will do has already been done and will be done better. I am not going to be important. I am going to be remembered. I am a dying leaf on a tree, waiting to fall because I serve no purpose. I am nothing compared to the thriving green bunches that people look at and stare. When they look at me, they see disappointment, pity, anger, or they pluck me themselves. When I finally fall, I am crushed, and unnoticed. Because I am a stupid little leaf.
I'll be honest it took me FOREVER to know. These are labels I went through:
Cis girl because I thought I had no other option
Demi girl because I loved using they/them pronouns but I didn't think it was an option to be anything else
No fucking clue: 14, loved being referred to as a boy but I was still a girl... Right??? And non binary
Trigender: after research
Gender fluid: just felt it made more sense
Non binary
Trans man
Non binary
Trans man
Non binary
Trans man
Gives up on labels cause I don't even know
Genderfaun: encompasses how I feel accurately. It's similar to gender fluid but without ever feeling like a woman
Though I still just say I am a trans man because no one knows what genderfaun is and I'll still frequently be referred to using gender neutral language by people who are afraid to out me but also don't want to misgender or deadname me. (I have a friend who exclusively refers to me as "Child" because she "adopted" me back in 8th grade. I refer to her as Mother.)
edit: however, try not refer to anyone with they/them pronouns if you know their pronouns and especially if they don't like being referred to as they/them (many people especially trans people who don't use they/them don't like being referred to as they/them when they stated their pronouns are something else.) ask if the person is okay with they/them if you can
I hate it I hate it I hate it. I lost my binder and I wanna cry. I want these bags of fat GONE! I want pecs instead. I don't want a completely flat chest. I want a muscular chest. Unfortunately working out is dysphoric because I can't wear my binder when working out and I can FEEL my chest move during every exercise that would get my abs.
I hate it I hate it I hate it. I want to cut them off myself at this point. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them
I am genderfaun(I don't feel like explaining, you can look it up). I DO know this much. However, I often feel like an outcast in a lot of spaces. I don't belong with cis men because I'm pretransition and partially non binary. I don't belong with women cause I'm never a woman, I don't fully feel at home with binary trans men because I don't feel like a man fully. But at the same time I feel like I don't fully belong with non binary people because I want to fully transition (I want a dick and flat chest and beard and shit)
And with my friends I'm terrified of using neopronouns even though I'd feel happier with them.
Usually I just say I'm a trans man or transmasc because that's easier for people to understand. And it is accurate to an extent. But it's not 100% accurate.
Even more I've been questioning attraction. I know I'm asexual and there's a good chance I like women romantically. I don't know if I like men and/or non binary people, if I do I'm bi. But if I'm exclusively attracted to women I don't know what that'd be. I'm definitely NOT a lesbian. And straight Doesn't feel right either but it's much better than being seen as a lesbian.
Ugghh. Why is everything so fucking complicated.
I *HATE* when people are like this. No, non binary people are NOT women. I HATE when people act like all non binary are women/AFAB (AGAB shouldn't even matter in most, if not all, contexts) especially when non binary in itself is an umbrella that encompasses stuff like demiboy and just being trans masculine. Non binary people are not, by default, similar to women. Some non binary people may feel closer to womanhood the same way I feel closer to manhood (I'm transmasc. I see myself as both a man and non binary. It's complicated.) but definitely not all.
edit: for further context of how I see myself as both non binary and a man, look up what Genderfaun is.
edit: I meant college SCHOLARSHIP applications
edit: I don't want to make another post so I'm just adding to this one. it oftentimes feels there's not a lot of spaces for me to go. Like, I'm not a woman and while I am non binary I am also a man, this means that places that say "women and non binary people" to exclude men even if they don't see enbies as women lite still feel weird/dysphoric to go in because while I am non binary, I am also a man so I don't really belong there. but then if I'm with the men it's usually cisgender men and I still feel out of place due to being pre transition and not fully feeling like a man. There is one trans space where I would normally feel welcome except there's a bunch of fighting between people, not about being trans, just in general so I avoid it
I thought self harm was something exclusive to having negative feelings. I would do stuff like pinch myself (especially my chest due to dysphoria), pull out my hair, scratch myself and that counts.
I didn't realize that picking at the soles of my feet until it bled or at least was sore was self harm. It's hard for me to count it as self harm because I don't do it out of negativity. I do it when I'm bored or when I get out of a bath or shower and the skin is easier to pull off. I've been doing this since I was in elementary school, hell since before I hit double digits (currently 17) and so it didn't register in my brain til recently that what I was doing is in fact self harm.
I am getting back into Hellenism, I stopped because I didn't really know what I was doing, didn't know how to pray or worship without an alter so I gave up (this was a year ago when I was 16. Note my family is very Mormon) Thankfully in my last post I was sent two resource videos and said my first prayer with an Owl plush I named Athena and had represent Athena from when I VERY first started.
This is also my favorite plush owl due to texture and size. Anyway, because I am going to have it represent her in the future and had it represent her in my very first prayer... Is it inappropriate for me to cuddle the owl? Do I now have to set it aside?