u/DistinctBridge1741

I did a visualization exercise where i tried to picture an apple in my mind. My apple was pretty vivid, the problem was it would keep moving around, change color, change size, grow skinnier and larger. I think this may be part of my adhd? Possibly anxiety issues as well. Anyone else?

Like if I talked to someone via zoom, would a ritual work for me even if I’m not there with them

I feel like I don’t have an actual personality. I never talk to people, I don’t do anything besides doomscroll because I can’t get any joy from other activities, I don’t have a real personality either

It feels like every time I try to improve my social life, I’m preyed upon by manipulative people due to my childish demeanor and evident lack of social experience. The few friends I’ve had treated me like an empathy dispenser then never returned the favor, and my last FP was a manipulator. It seems like the only time someone wants to talk to me is to manipulate me, and it makes me want to not talk to anyone at all. Ive hate having FPs, id rather die in isolation than have an FP ever again. I just don’t know what to do about this shit untreated disorder.

I have both BPD and SZPD, and I am not functional. I have tried therapy, reading, habit building, research, exercise—nothing sticks. I always end up back where I started. So now I have no hobbies, no friends, no life skills, because I have been using internal projections of idealistic fantasies to self regulate, which removes me from the real world and my real emotions. There were multiple points in my life where I would have a full on break down in the middle of a job, but never processed why because I steamrolled whatever emotion I was feeling with the familiar fantasy-world where I was famous or adored or extraordinarily talented. Now this internal fantasy world has collapsed, so I’m stuck with not only the initial unprocessed trauma my child self had constructed the fantasy world specifically to repress, but also the dissolution of false ideas of grandeur.

That same internal projection which once protected me has now begun to turn inwards in self-defeating self attacks, to the point where it is extremely challenging to even conceive of a solution to my life’s problems without my introjects morphing into the voice of my abusive mother.

Now, I am stuck in what feels like an impossible situation, because I am dealing with all of these things without a support network: I was recently manipulated by someone who turned by BPD FP dynamic against me, tainting the fantasy world to revolve around them and effectively ruining my internal coping strategy. I was also infantilized heavily by this person and their friends which made me paranoid, reckless, and thrill-seeking—I simultaneously sought these people out for the adrenaline rush of exciting experiences they provided, while also growing more paranoid and on-edge as they tried various tactics to get me to sleep with them. I was overly focused on trauma, and those people instead of work, lost thousands of dollars on rent, and moved back in with my abusive parents. The combination of these events caused me to go into psychosis, to which my parents responded by throwing me in a psych ward and then complaining that my symptoms were inconvenient for them.

So basically I’m trying to cope with the collapse of the coping mechanism I’ve had since childhood, without therapy (insurance issues), without a support system, and without a brain that can hold and process information in a meaningful way because of depression, maladaptive daydreaming, unmedicated adhd, and suicidal ideation.

I’m curious as to what other people here have done when they hit rock bottom and had no support.

26NB schizoid borderline dealing with extreme dissociation and I’m not sure how to manage anything at all whether that be taxes bills friendships money etc. I can’t do any of it and I don’t even want to learn because I don’t see the point. It makes me miserable living here, and doing stuff like that only adds to the misery. I’m not the person I want to be but I can’t get proper help for whatever I’m dealing with because therapists aren’t shit. I spend most of my time in my head arguing with internal voices that overtake my reality. I try meditating to calm it down but I can never get them to fully quiet. I went into psychosis recently and my parents just started berating me over it gave me 0 empathy and got mad I didn’t put them first. I’m losing my mind over my situation but my dissociative mental illness makes me feel like I can’t do anything to change. Or even if I did change circumstances I’d still be the same person. Idk what I’m trying to say really—I’ve tried to change, to implement a better routine, and I fail every. Single. Time. Because of the dissociation. I don’t know what to do: I’m unmedicated I don’t have friends and I can barely keep my job

Read the news, the orange Cheeto man is still committing crimes and for whatever reason maga idiots still support him

Go outside, the planet is on fire, and what are people doing? Using AI datacenters to further destroy the environment so they can make .0002 cents off an AI fruit video

Go to therapy, therapist is narcissistic, victim blames me for everything, tells me I’m lazy because she’s frustrated that my CPTSD isnt an easily solvable problem but is too proud to give me a referral. Go to another therapist, get ghosted

Get an apartment, all studios are over $1000 and I’m too schizoid to find a roommate

Go to my narcissistic parents house, they’re still being passive aggressive about not getting enough attention and then worsening my psychosis while living there because they’re mad the shit they did in my childhood has consequences and they’re too emotionally immature to have a genuine discussion without deflecting it back to me and worsening my already crippling mental health

Talk to people outside: they’re manipulative weirdos who masturbate in my room after I invite them over for soup

Try to focus on my mental health by myself: I can’t because my brain is always attacking itself after years of self isolation, quick dopamine releases, and lack of genuine support for my trauma. I struggle to even read the books I’m trying to, let alone retain any information and generate a viable solution. I’m dealing with depression, autism, adhd, probably BPD, schizoid/avoidant tendencies, depersonalization, all after I went into a psychosis and my parents just kept whining and moaning and exerting control over me

I don’t know anymore guys. Even if I did get better I’d still have to live in this shithole of a country. Life is a fucking joke, and nobody will say the punchline.

Something that tackles his narcissism, his cowardice, the racism he indoctrinated from his family, the fact that he was a bully—all of it. I want an emotional rollercoaster where he’s forced to face all of his problems and isn’t easily forgiven. Preferably under 100k

I’m trying to keep a more organized schedule. But usually I get up 8-10am, feed the dogs, check any medications, then tend to my drop ins/walks if I have any. I like to take the dogs on walks or let them out in the back to play if they have a fenced in yard. I wind down by reading, feed them again and give them medication, then wind down for bed.

If for whatever reason I can’t walk them or let them out I like to throw toys down the stairs (it tires them out faster). Occasionally I’ll have issues with an overactive dog, probably because I’m just one person and they’re used to more family action (I live in the suburbs).

Curious as to what other people’s schedules look like.

I prefer it when they absolutely hate each others guts but are still obsessed with each other like they are in canon. Any suggestions?

The most I ever made in a year was $20,000 and that was when I was really grinding to the point of burnout

Mine usually meditation, doomscrolling, sleep, work, then more doomscrolling while I eat whatever from the fridge.

I’m just curious

I haven’t been able to still my thoughts completely and end up in this weird state where I’m dreaming but not. I don’t think that it is helping ground me but it happens everytime

Of course there’s the classics like the thing, but I want something that’s really out there. Crumbling realities, mad Gods, infinite torture, crying angels—real fantastical, lord of the rings but existential kinda stuff.

I have trouble finding good horror movies like that. Where do you guys look?

I’m trying to manage all my mental illnesses with no friends no therapist no direction while my mind deteriorates from psychosis symptoms and chronic social isolation. I don’t know if I can get through this.

The only reason I’m not homeless is because I live with my parents and have money saved up but I have no ability to manage finances. I can’t care for myself at all.