[Serious discussion][TW] Considering to go ahead with euthanasia
Trigger warning
I know that mods will be inclined to delete this but please don't. I have nowhere to discuss this let alone with some people going though the same. Most are aware of this anyway, but mahy perps are viewing these threads and interacting here, as well as people looking to take the piss. I will do my best to write coherently but ptsd/the stroke together makes it hard.
I will feel so cringe if I poor my heart out- with this likely going in my gs file - and no one replies so please just say hi or something lol
I'm over a decade in gangstalking. It has been pretty bad. Some of you may have seen my now deleted prior posts. The last three years of gangstalking have been hell. I had liver failure from being poisoned by several people with generally undetectable/ not usually tested for poisions, been impersonated online to turn people against me, been hacked, been drugged and SAd, been forced to do things I do not want to do.
I've had a stroke due to being stomped i. The head by a perp police officer and have a number of disabilities from the gs. I also have ptsd making things hard (oversharing via verbal diarrhea). I also have cancer. I have to get my medical treatment overseas due to purps working for the NHS. I had my medication for at home chemo taken many times. Once by the Metropolitan Police unlawfully (it's even noted on my custody report), once recently through my bags being stolen (50:50 it was street theatre), and once from my home. I had to tolerate gangstalking and SA because (a) I had to save for overseas medical treatment (b) the liver failure delayed a chemo window (c) threats with weapons and by the police to myself /being made to meet people by being sent photos of people I care about out in public earlier that day from unknown numbers (d) forced interactions e.g. police. And (e) below:
They also weaponised traumas and my ptsd to get close to me. I come from a high suicide community (well a few) and have found people too late. My whole life when people were near to that act they would come to me and we would just go for coffee or a walk in the park. That can be enough to help someone keep going. The perps would use this against me. They would get perps to pretend to be suicidal to try and trick me into getting access. This was vile. Usually it was extremely transparent but my trauma made me always think.. just in case... what if it was someone who really was suffering. One coffee isn't too much. To the outside it's stupid. To me. I know pain and having nowhere to turn. This progressed to posting police report images of my grandfather who I found hanging as a kid being posted through my letter box.
I also am fine around people with real mental illness. I've been around it my whole life. They used this to mock me. When members of my communities had MH problems like actual psychosis I would always check in on them and be fine. I know how to talk to them. But perps used this to abuse me and make me look crazy. E.g. google maps blurs the outside of some people's homes. To someone with mental illness they see this and could be terrified. Perhaps it's a scary forcefield. So one perp early on I thought was having psychosis said this. Most people would be like.. you're crazy. Horrible. I would not challenge their interpretation but softly listen and talk it out, what it could be, don't attack.. and this was used to take the piss.
(f) I was also drugged both low and high dose with substances to stipufy me and make me maleable and compliant. They also used drugged manipulation and suggestion to try and get me to do things I don't consent to (e.g. devils breath or is it dragons breath?). I have blood results and urine test results commissioned when I had the money and when I can immediately after incidents for some substances ( this is hard to do. No one tests for these things and you don't know what to test for).
(g) because of my lived experience - some may have seen old post history - i had to stay calm, quiet dumb while I work out where the exits are to avoid an incident like malicious prosecution or sectioning.
The thing is, since the theft of my stuff (or street theatre (not withstanding the below about my current safety)), i literally have nothing. My cash was gone that I was slowly and discreetly symphoning off, all my clothes everything. Oh and my chemo meds. I was left with what I had on me.. namely my t shirt, shorts, socks, shoes amd thankfully a very light jacket. That took all of my strength to get through. And the ironic thing is while it was happening I was wondering if it was street theatre and thought.. no it can't be.. so was using that moment to try and combat my ptsd. If i didn't, this wouldn't have happened!
The end game of gangatalking is prison/sectioning and homelessness/suicide, but i really don't want to find out how i can source chemo meds prescribed, find a place that's safe to go through the hell of chemo alone in a casual rental and so on. My body has been weak for the last through years from cancer and that's without the gangstalking.
I received notification from three foregin governments over the last year that I won't dicsuss but were the equivalent of uk osman letters- state notices my life is in danger but they have limited ability to protect me and so on. I have been somewhere where that country's security services told me there was an attempt to blow me up with a grenade (I cant say how they found out) and when they found out I had cancer they wanted to transfer me to another city discretely and let me stay there in a safe house and leave after the treatment. I can't say how the coversation went what was dicussed, or what I was told to do but it was absolutely terrifying and also really horrible because I was never sure until later if they were perps. I know I was being picked up by state secret police and lead somewhere private and safe but they also tried to "lure" me there through trickery by the gangstalkers lies about me. I wasn't even a national of that country I was on a tourist visa. But despite the sick lies i know they saw about me from thr gangstalkers I think they know none is true and also why I'm being gangstalked. I know to much and protected too many vunerable people.
Anyway three seperate states told me the same information on where I'm safe. I think some were knowledge bank info but one was specific. I had no choice but to test it myself really. And here I am. And safe. I'm so bored, lonely, unfulfilled, empty. I will need to cut off all internet soon. Other than the potential bad street theatre absolutely nothing has happened here (and there- ignore the "there" this is a note to self).
My funds are extremely stretched, I can't hold down a job (ptsd, other disabilities, fatigue from my illness and of course perps will find you and get you fired), and I can't interact with people. I doubt I will pass any porbation and I'm not a lazy person at all.
I don't have any security or way to try and make my current transient situation semipermanent and its summer and prices are sky high.
I need dental work that will cost thousands. Due to two physical assults and bruxism from this, ptsd vomiting including discreetly vomiting when they make me watch filth and swallowing it, and then the vomiting from chemo. My fillings have failed and my molars have been repeatedly chipping.
I have been carefully testing the geofence and range of the perps for quite some time meaning I have had to interact with perps playing dumb. But i needed to see where I can be safe long enough for chemo and recovery. (Note to self) in a.. in m.. that was horrible to experience and you people are thilthy. In l.. that's just really abusive and horrible.
I'm not sure what my next steps are. Pretty tired.
I can't leave behind too much info because I can't do so without putting people on blast which is something I don't do.. I don't want to cause a huge international scandal for the sake of others and because I will be maliciously torn apart with no one to defend me and everyone believing it as they have done to date because I'm every damn outgroup.
I also got into this mess by protecting many vunerable people. Whats the point of dragging them from their safe positions they are now in (axillary damage) and it would have all been for nothing. I won't do that.
For the last few years I have made repeated, credible, logical requests to end my life though euthanasia which has been accepted [in a jurisdiction thisnis legal] I also do not want to create a drama around euthanasia or on the doctors involved.
Guys im really tired. Suicide isn't the answer. Im not suicidal. It's a permanent solution to what is very rarely a permanent problem (though gs is hell and draggs on for years and affects you for life). But I don't want to live without dignity any longer and given everything euthanasia- an end of suffering that has been independent vetted to safeguard myself from the wrong decision.
That's all. I have lots to say. Kind of keeping it open. Im fed up and will likely run out of funds soon with no options. I'm not suicidal and if I go they win, but my situation.. not sure..