u/Flaky_Study3353

I'm not ever coming back because you traumatized me too much. Safety and peace are my priorities. So please don't wait for me, just in case you intended to. I plan to disappear completely this time.

Ouch and all i wanted was to be enjoyed and some basic affection and all would be in the past

TL;DR

I'm at the end of my rope, and I honestly need help.

I'm going to call her "Cilla." People who know us will know who I'm talking about, and I'm hoping someone who cares about both of us can help get this message to her.

This isn't about making her look bad. If that was my goal, I could have aired a lot more than I ever have. This is about asking to be treated like a human being.

For two years, I've loved her. I've bent over backwards to be there whenever she needed me. Rides, favors, gifts, support, time, loyalty—you name it. I never stopped showing up.

In return, I've asked for seven things that truly mattered to me over those two years. Not one of them has happened.

From December until we separated for three months, I endured some of the most hurtful treatment I've ever experienced. I was insulted, degraded, told I was ugly, disgusting, that I'd always be alone, and even told I should go lie down and never wake up. Those words don't disappear.

Then I helped get her out of a dangerous situation, and I was assaulted, spit on, and my vehicle was damaged.

I never wanted any of this to become public. I kept trying to talk to her privately. Two days later, she disappeared without an explanation and ghosted me for over a month and a half.

When she came back, she told me she loved me and wanted a relationship with me. You can imagine how excited I was. After everything, I still believed there was hope.

But for over three months since then, I've asked for only the smallest things: one phone call, one visit, one hug, one genuine smile. That's it.

Nothing.

No birthday wish. No effort. No meaningful apology. No attempt to make right what happened. No gesture to show I mattered.

Then, on the day we were finally supposed to see each other, she cancelled at the last minute for someone else.

That broke me.

Now I'm being portrayed publicly as the problem—as someone she's afraid of, someone she needs closure from—while I'm still sitting here wondering why I wasn't worth even ten minutes of effort.

I'm the only person who doesn't have her phone number. I don't know where she lives. Every conversation ends the same way: she gets the last word, blocks me, and I'm left with no way to respond.

Meanwhile, she knows this is the hardest period of my life. I'm dealing with medical problems, legal problems, housing problems, and more. My life has nearly ended twice recently, and she hasn't even asked if I'm okay.

I'm not asking for pity.

I'm asking for fairness.

If you tell someone you love them and want a future with them, your actions have to match your words. Love isn't breadcrumbs. It isn't ghosting. It isn't public humiliation while the other person begs for one conversation.

Cilla, if you ever meant what you said, then please show it.

I don't need perfection. I don't need grand gestures. I need effort.

A phone call. A visit. A hug. A conversation. A reason to believe I matter.

I've spent two years proving I would stand beside you through anything.

Now it's your turn to show me whether I ever meant anything to you.

Because relationships take two people, and I can't keep carrying both sides by myself anymoreThe hardest part isn't the insults, the ghosting, getting punched in the nose on my birthday instead of hearing "Happy Birthday," or even being left behind for someone else. It's realizing that after everything I've given, I've never once been made to feel like I was truly important to you.

For two years, I gave you affection, loyalty, patience, forgiveness, my time, my energy, and every chance I could. When you told me you loved me and wanted a relationship, I believed you. I wasn't asking for the world. I was asking for one phone call, one visit, one hug, one moment where I didn't have to wonder whether I mattered.

Instead, I've spent months chasing someone who said they wanted me but has never shown it with their actions.

Cilla, if you ever meant what you told me, then please stop making me fight alone for something that's supposed to belong to both of us. Come talk to me. Show up. Make even the smallest effort so I know those words were real.

And if you don't want me, then please have enough respect to tell me honestly instead of leaving me holding onto hope while watching you give your time and attention to everyone except the one person who's never stopped choosing you.

I don't want revenge. I don't want people to hate you. I just wanted to feel loved by the person I loved. I wanted to matter. If I never did, then please tell me. But if I did, then it's time for your actions to finally match your words.

You’re trying to crawl your way back in like a snake. Trying to manipulate everyone with your acts of service, gifts, affection and empty words. Nobody is buying it, bro. You fucked up and have so, too many times to count. All that respect is out the door. Go manipulate somebody else and stop trying to mess with her head. We‘ve pulled the wool of her eyes and now she sees. You are toxic af and incapable of basic decency. We don’t wanna see you. Get out of our sight.

Ashamed of myself

For driving you to that point

For not thinking twice

For making you think I wasn't on your side

For taking you for granted

For forgetting to appreciate you

For losing sight of us

For not being patient

For losing myself

For letting grief take over

For not knowing how to communicate with you

For making you feel like you were wrong

For letting my insecurities make you feel less than

For not healing soon enough

For asking to much

For not knowing how to fix things sooner

For letting other people influence how you think of yourself

For not letting you know you are everything and more

For failing you

For losing your trust

For losing your respect

For being so sh*tty at the end

But most of all

For being afraid and letting go of our future together

Choosing what I thought was a sacrifice when really it was just selfishness out of being scared

I know this means nothing but I needed to say it.

I love you and I will always love you bobobxb

You stopped seeing me as someone who loves you.

You started seeing me as the enemy. Everything I said could and would be used against me. There was no litigation. The verdict had been made and there was no appeal.

I tried, I really did. But your mind was made up and the shackles you placed on me where too heavy for me to carry after being tired from everything else life had thrown at me. The patience you asked of me was never reciprocated. Your struggles and goals were always the priority, you said it was all for us, but all I ever wanted was the person I loved by my side. I know there where times when you tried your best for me and compromised. But that compromise turned into resentment. Resentment that had no mercy and was all hatred. So how was I to stay with you after being told I was the most disgusting person in your life, that you hated me and more?

The sad part is that I would've.

The only thing that stopped me was seeing how that resentment was eating you alive and I couldn't continue being the cause of it. The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you, so I ran.

I'm sorry.

To you, My dearest lover.

To you, The Unknowing keeper of my heart.

To you, My better half.

Right now, we're at a crossroad. We need to knuckle down and decide what we want. You need to decide what you want. I love you, but these games, the push and pull, this isn't what we're meant for. And if you don't realise that, I'm not going to wait around any longer for you to. I've waited long enough.

I will hold out my heart for 1 more week. I need some sort of sign. I need something from you, or else, I will assume you are just happier without me, and I will find my happiness elsewhere, and love you from a distance.

I'm not going to beg, I'm not going to force you into something, give me your hand, and I'll give you the world, my world. All I am.

Or walk away, and atleast ill know I did all I can, and wish you the best, until we meet again.

You've broke my heart more times than I can count, but you've given me life just as many. So now, I'll take one last chance on us. Here it is.

I look forward to hopefully hearing from you.

Hey you,

Tonight I wanted to ask you something that would have made you proud.

How do you fight the rebellion inside yourself? How do you live with two opposite truths fighting in the same chest?

One part of me knows I have to move on without answers. The other part still waits, as if answers are some kind of mercy.

They are not. I know that now. An answer would not undo the hurt. It would not go back in time and soften the parts of me that broke while trying to understand you. At best, it would settle the embers. And maybe that is why I still want it sometimes.

Not because it matters. Not because it changes anything. But because some small, tired part of me still wants to know why you looked at the possibility of us and chose the odds instead.

I tell myself whatever happened, happened. Maybe it could not have happened any other way. Maybe we were always walking toward this ending, even when I thought we were building something.

Still, my curiosity sometimes dresses itself as anger. It stands inside me and asks: why not us? Why not once? Why not even try?

I guess I will never know. And maybe that is the lesson I did not want. Not every wound comes with a witness. Not every ending gives you a reason. Not every person who hurts you stays long enough to explain the damage.

Someone once told me being hurt does not make us right. I hated that, then I understood it. Pain can make you honest. It can make you raw. It can show you things you avoided for too long.

But it does not always make you right. And it does not always make them wrong in the clean, simple way you need them to be.

Maybe you were scared. Maybe you were selfish. Maybe you were just human. Maybe all three can be true.

I hope you are better off. I hate that I mean that. I hate that some part of me still wants peace for you, even after losing so much of mine. But maybe that is not weakness. Maybe that is the last soft thing I get to keep.

So no, I am not moving. Not yet.Not in the way people mean when they tell you to move on, as if grief is a room you can simply leave.

I am not running. I am not pretending. I am not making a clean story out of a messy loss. I am standing here, learning how to stop waiting.

I am learning how to stop asking a locked door to become an answer. Learning how to stop mistaking silence for a place I can still knock.

Maybe healing is the moment you stop bargaining with the past. Maybe it is staying still long enough to hear your own heart without their absence speaking over it.

And now there is no explanation that returns me to who I was before you. There is only me, this hurt, this stubborn little hope, and the slow work of becoming someone who can carry all of it without turning back.

Maybe it's just that I miss having someone that intimate or it's just nostalgia of the time we spent together last summer. I haven't seen your face in a while, and it's because i have never stalked you after that day we officially broke up. I think it's better this way, your face may revive more memories and potentially my feelings too.

I actually think i have moved on but deep down inside i kinda hoped it was different because we did use to have a lot of fun physically and intellectually although you were a bit uncaring and too selfish at times that you overlooked some major and minor things like imposing yourself on me when i wasn't really in the mood and even though I clearly said no multiple times clearly and respectfully, you kept at it until you got what you wanted. I know that reading this would make you go spiral, and that is why I chose to not bring it up again since i have already seen you acting like the victim and saying that it was unfair to hear these words.

I think I do not miss you afterall, i miss the space you occupied. I need to find a better person to occupy that space.

I hope that one day, you are able to see my perspective and recognize how hard I tried, how much I would have worked for, and how a little bit more patience with me would have made a difference.

I was genuinely so hurt. I still am.

I know it’s for the best, you’re a bad person but i couldn’t help falling in love with you. I’ve never felt this way before and you made me feel happy for a time even if you didn’t feel the same. Please take care - i can’t keep you unblocked knowing i’ll be fighting every urge to message you. The thought that you hate me and don’t want to talk to me hurts me more.

I ain't fw nobody fr. 👀🙄😒

(Correction- *Subject: *be)

glad you finally said it bro respect the truth. ill keep that close and you closer done expressing useless words aha no hate just gotta collect this love. I gave miss you already never was the one aha all g g

Midear, BB!

You were here... and it felt... Too comfortable... I'm such a weak piece of shit. I can't believe that I let myself do that again... I thought I was never going to see you again. Here I am, still pining for the one that hurt me so badly... I'm paper-thin ceramic, strong on the surface, but brittle and ready to shatter at any moment...

I couldn't resist it... It was everything I wanted it to be, and that scared me even more... Although, if I never get to see you again, at least this "last time" was something special, and my last memory of us screaming at each other isn't what I remember about you anymore... Which I don't know if it's a good thing actually... It's hard for me to remember the abuse this point...

I know you're working on yourself and I know I am too, this just feels like I've taken steps backwards. I was doing so well... I was making progress towards being well... Now I feel like I've never escaped your clutches.

She was right, and I'll never forgive myself... You're attached to me in such a way, that I just can't shake you, no matter how hard I try...

I know we're not good for each other... You took accountability, which is something I've been begging for from the start... I don't know if you're just saying it to make me feel better or if you genuinely believe it, but it felt nice to hear... Your attention feels like a summer rain,when the heat index is in triple digits. The immense sadness remained during our tryst though, and I kept asking myself why... Why would I do this to myself, why would I do this to you, and why did I do this to her...

I don't know what I'm doing... Everybody I know would disown me for doing that... Everybody else knows what's better for me than I do... Gerald likes to cloud wisdom with his bullshit... I'll never know what are my thoughts versus his... I'm never going to be okay... I've been crying since yesterday morning, because I know how wrapped up I'm getting into our bullshit... How I let it hurt someone else that I really cared about... I'm such a coward...

The saying is "hurt people, hurt people..." and I'm the living embodiment of that now... The handsome, silver-tongued devil with blue eyes... I'm a siren that sings a song so sweet, that it lures everyone to shipwreck... I'm unavailable and avoidant of true love... I can't keep my dick in my pants though... I'm too want of the attention of people that hurt me the absolute most...

I don't think I'm going to be dating anybody else for a long time... You can call me when you need that good dick, and I'll give it to you darling... I just can't be out here breaking hearts anymore... Well except for just the two of ours, since we're locked into this fucking tango of death...

I'm backsliding into hating myself again... I hope my therapist has her shit together next week... Otherwise I'm going to have to find another one and that's just a fucking nightmare... My support system has crumbled, and I don't know how I'm going to keep going this way...

Take Care of Yourself,

-Daddy D

It's crazy how much you're still in my mind, how much I want to say to you and how despite all I ever blurt that I can never truly let out the absolute love I have for you. You are so patient and gracious with me. I love how you are like me and embrace my weirdness, but unlike me, you're not a mess. You are calm, collected, graceful yet warm and cozy. I adore you and treasure you so much

You really are a truly precious and wonderful person. Despite the world being a cruel place, you are great proof there are things worth protecting and staying for. I am really looking forward to seeing you again, gorgeous

I love you, always and forever

I think, if I had gotten the chance, I would have asked if I could hug you one last time before either of us said anything.
Not because I thought it would change your mind. Not because I thought it would fix what had broken between us. But because I would have wanted to say goodbye to someone I loved with tenderness instead of fear.
There are so many things I wish I had done differently.
I wish I had appreciated the ordinary moments more. I wish I had thanked you more often. I wish I had noticed all the ways you loved me while I still had the chance to hold them in my hands. I wish I had been more present, more patient, more grounded. I wish I had understood then what I understand now: that love isn’t just found in grand gestures, but in the quiet ways we choose each other every day.
I’m sorry for the ways I took you for granted.
I’m sorry for the ways my pain touched you. I know I was struggling, and I know that struggle didn’t only belong to me. I wish the ending hadn’t happened in the middle of fear and spiraling. I wish the last chapter of our story had reflected the gratitude and love I carried for you instead of the hurt we were both trying to survive.
I don’t know exactly what you meant when you said you were done.
Maybe you meant you were done with the relationship. Maybe you meant you couldn’t keep doing what we had become in that moment. Maybe even you didn’t fully know. I have spent a long time trying to understand those words, trying to rewrite them into something I could live with.
But if this is our goodbye, then I don’t want those words to be the only ones that remain.
I want you to know that loving you changed me.
You were my partner, but you were also my best friend. You were the person I wanted to tell everything to. You saw parts of me that no one else did. You were there for seasons of my life that will always belong to both of us, and because of that, there will always be a version of me that carries you with tenderness.
Thank you.
Thank you for the laughter. Thank you for the comfort. Thank you for the memories I still revisit when the world feels too quiet. Thank you for the ways you loved me, even when I didn’t always recognize the gift of it while I had it.
I don’t know how you remember me now.
I don’t know if you think of me at all, or if sometimes a song comes on and, for a brief second, you remember the life we shared. I don’t know if you remember the good with the pain, or if remembering me hurts too much.
I may never know.
But I hope, if you ever think of me, you remember that I loved you the best way I knew how at the time, even when I fell short. I hope you remember that my worst moment was not the entirety of who I was. I hope you remember that you mattered to me.
I think one of the greatest heartbreaks of my life is that I never got to say goodbye the way I wanted to.
I never got to hold you and say, “Thank you for loving me.”
I never got to say, “I’m sorry.”
I never got to say, “I understand if this is where our paths end.”
I never got to say, “I hope your life is beautiful.”
So let me say it now.
Thank you for loving me.
I’m sorry for the ways I hurt you and for the ways I failed to cherish what we had.
I understand that some loves are meant to stay in our lives forever, and others are meant to shape us and then let us go.
I hope your life is gentle with you.
I hope you laugh often.
I hope you find peace in the choices you’ve made.
I hope you are deeply loved.
And if loving you taught me anything, I hope it taught me how to love the people who remain in my life with more intention, more gratitude, and more courage than I had before.
I will always wish I could have given you the goodbye you deserved.
But maybe love isn’t only found in how we hold on.
Maybe sometimes it’s found in how we let someone go while still wishing them well.
Goodbye.
Thank you for being such an important part of my life.
I loved you.
I love you.
And now, with all the tenderness I wish I’d had at the end, I let you go.