u/FormalMarzipan252

I work in a small operations team where everyone's role is pretty critical. About three weeks ago, my team member (we’ll call him Dan) went to our manager in tears, saying his mother was diagnosed with a severe, late-stage illness in another country and that he needed an extended paid leave under our compassionate care policy. Naturally, everyone felt terrible for him. Management instantly approved his time off, paid him out, and split his duties between me and one other colleague.

Since then, I’ve been working 60+ hour weeks. The stress has been immense, but I pushed through because I genuinely thought I was helping a grieving friend through the worst time of his life.

Here’s the problem: yesterday, I was setting up a shared desktop directory for a client project using Dan’s old work profile. When I opened his logged-in personal browser tab by mistake, there was an active travel itinerary open for a month-long luxury vacation in Bali, booked weeks before he ever made the request to management. To make matters worse, I saw a WhatsApp Web message on his screen from his mom, sent yesterday asking him if he remembered to water her plants back at her house down the street. She isn't sick at all. He literally fabricated a dying parent to take a paid beach holiday while I burn myself out doing two jobs.

If I go straight to HR or my manager, it’s going to trigger a massive investigation, Dan will almost certainly be fired, and it will create nuclear drama in a very small team where people still think he’s grieving. But if I say nothing, I’m stuck drowning in his workload for another month while knowing he’s lying to everyone’s face.

I can’t keep doing this hours-wise, and the resentment is eating me alive. How do I handle this without destroying my own standing or looking like a snitch who went digging through someone's personal stuff?

Hi everyone,

I’ve been using various Tide powders (and now warm water washes, Biz when needed and Downy Rinse and Refresh again thanks to this sub; perimenopause and preteen funk is now no longer an issue in this house!) almost exclusively for over a decade now - started while cloth diapering, stayed afterwards. I like Tide a lot but after my car died unexpectedly over the weekend I’m purchasing a new one and freaking out about my finances a bit. 😩 Thinking about giving Ariel a try to save a few pennies. I know it’s highly recommended here aside from people’s personal taste re: fragrance, so I’m wondering if anybody who has used both Tide powder and Ariel finds they compare in terms of cleaning. If Ariel isn’t as effective I’ll cut costs elsewhere as a box of Tide shouldn’t send me to the poorhouse but I figured it was worth the ask!

Hi! Was doing well on keto for awhile but fell off the wagon at the end of this school year (teacher here) and looking to get back on it. After a beach day yesterday with plenty of typical junky stuff packed in the coolers to cater to the kids, it got me thinking about good keto beach snacks and I’m not sure why but I’m struggling a little to think of much besides eggs, cheese, cucumbers, and deli meat/cold cuts/jerky. What do you find works well if you’re at the beach all day? Suggestions welcomed! The summer teacher brain drain is in full effect over here 😵‍💫

Preface: Don't tell me I need a vasectomy, please. I already know. I’m asking for a referral at my next physical. And I've already told my wife I'm a hard "no" on any more kids after this one and will be scheduling a vasectomy before the baby is born. And I'm also in therapy. God knows I need it.

Preface 2: Please don’t shame me for my poor decisions that got me to this point. I already fucking know. No matter how hard you’re judging me, I’m already judging myself twice as hard. It’s not helpful. Also you’re probably breaking the sub rules.

Preface 3: My wife did not and would never intentionally sabotage or “forget” to take her birth control. She is a good person and does not deserve to be accused of this even by random people online. She’s also extremely Type A and routine-oriented and rarely forgets to do anything.

My marriage to my wife of 12 years has been almost all good. We have personalities that complement each other well; I'm very attracted to her; she's very supportive of me in ways I need; she's just been a great partner to have in life. But the exception has been the issue of how many children to have. She has always wanted a big family; I have always wondered if I even wanted children at all. It's been a constant point of tension in our relationship even dating back to before we got married. In hindsight, we honestly both should probably have married other people, and I should have gotten a vasectomy at 21 or some other young age.

Well, we got settled into our careers, days turned into months and months into years, and soon we had been married for 6 years without really deciding whether or not we were going to have kids. She brought up the topic occasionally, and I would think about it for a while, but I never could really come to a firm conclusion one way or the other, and life is stressful and makes it easy to not think about it.

Then, despite being on birth control and taking the pills religiously, she got pregnant. I wasn't happy about it, but I put on a happy face to the best of my ability and am a loving dad to our little boy.

She gained 55 pounds while pregnant. I love her with all my heart but I'm just not attracted to large women. I tried my best to enjoy our sex life but it was just hard.

Then when our son turned 1, she left her job (long story but she didn't have much of a choice unfortunately). She wasn't getting rich or anything, but she was making $45K with free healthcare. So now I was thrust not only into fatherhood (about which I was ambivalent at best) but also into being a sole provider, which I had been explicit about not wanting.

Almost immediately after our son was born (I'm not even sure he was a month old yet), she was already on me about having a second one. I didn't react well to that, so she asked me to please not make a decision about it right then. But she'd make these passive aggressive comments every now and then about how I was willing to sleep with her but not willing to get her pregnant.

I stupidly thought there was a chance I might come around to the idea of a second child eventually. I thought about it and just couldn't seem to come up with any reasons why I would want one. But I thought maybe in time somehow I would change my mind. I tried to think about 25 years from now when I might wish there were more people around my table at Thanksgiving. I spent time in communities like oneanddone and fence sitter.

Finally my son turned 5 and was due to head to kindergarten in the fall. My wife started putting her resume out for jobs again. She was getting interviews. My days of being a sole provider were about to come to an end; I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. She'd lost all the baby weight plus another 10 pounds. I myself had lost 45 pounds and had switched to a less stressful job. And I was looking at therapists to help me deal with emotional problems I should have dealt with years ago. Things were finally looking up for us.

And then it happened. She showed me another fucking positive pregnancy test. Because I don't ever get to fucking be happy or have nice things. I think my exact words were something like "I'm going to be in denial about this for as long as I can." Ever since then I don't think I've smiled once, or if I did, I was definitely faking it. I told my boss who gave me a big smile and said "Congratulations". Hard to hear when I'm so unhappy about it.

If I knew I would have reacted this way to another child, I would have told her I was done at 1, period, don't ever ask again. But since I'm a moron instead, here we are. I sit and think about the pros and cons and reach the conclusion of "Well, then obviously I don't want another kid." But then I have to remind myself it's already happening whether I want it or not.

The more I talk and think about it, the more anger and rage I feel about this, among other (all negative) feelings. I feel violated like my choice has been taken away from me. I see attractive women on TV shows and have a mini-panic attack about one of them getting pregnant with another child I don't want (I know that's irrational, trust me). I feel that I have no constructive outlet for these feelings.

I'm just seeing a bunch of downsides with nothing to be excited about. So we're going to spend a bunch of money we don't have on healthcare/labor/delivery. My wife is going to gain a bunch of weight and then take at least 2 years to lose it again. Probably more. I'm probably spending another 6 years in financial purgatory as a sole provider living paycheck to paycheck. I'm going to have greater parental responsibilities. My existing son is going to miss out on time with us, mostly his mom, while she focuses on the baby. We're going to miss out on opportunities to travel the world, a long-term priority of mine. I'm going to have to wait until I'm 55 years old to have an empty nest. All this because of a pregnancy I didn't want to have happen in the first place. And don't even ask about pros because I haven't identified one way in which this will make my life easier or better.

I get on Reddit and look for stuff about this topic and it's almost all people either shaming the husband for not being happy because baby, or offering vague platitudes about how it's going to be OK because baby. I don't even really know what I want to hear to make me feel better anyway. I guess just knowing I’m not alone and I’m not a bad person would be nice.

Worst of all, I know subconsciously I'm blaming my wife for this and feeling resentful toward her even though I know it's not any more her fault than it is mine. I’ve been spending less time around her, though mostly to avoid ruining her mood or getting in an argument.

I dread when it's going to be time to tell other people and they're going to essentially be happy about this thing that I don't think I could possibly be less happy about. Then I also have to pretend to be happy while I slowly die inside. I picture that like the scene in “17 Again” where a woman gets promoted over Matthew Perry’s character and he has to stand in the elevator while she and her besties celebrate, or watching fans of an opposing sports team celebrate their team beating mine.

I've told my wife about my feelings, and even she is starting to lose patience with me. I just feel like I'm never going to be OK ever again. But I know I need to be OK again for my family's sake. Children, even those who weren’t planned or initially wanted, deserve two parents who give them love and attention.

TL;DR: My wife is pregnant. I don’t think there are words in the English language that are negative and dark enough to describe the way I feel about the prospect of having a second child. I don’t have anyone to express these feelings to other than my therapist. I need to be better for myself and my family.

For anyone reading this, if you’ve reached your mid-20s and have never thought “You know what would make my life better? A kid”, you probably don’t want kids, and that’s fine. Be honest with yourself, get sterilized, and don’t fuck up your and other people’s lives like I have.

And birth control is bullshit and not to be trusted.

This seems like a real big blunder on their part. As someone wisely said in a comment on another post, the VIP tier is not generally the customer you want to annoy and inconvenience. Hope they get it fixed ASAP. Shockingly, chatbot is no help.

EDIT: Looks like it’s been fixed, SUMMERVIP is the 30% off code

Long time listener, first time caller.

Anyway, after spending $25 bucks a pop for a day pass to Lighthouse Point last summer 8 or 9 times in under 2 months 🫣 - sudden realization that we loved the beach, got us out of the house - I realized that this year I need to just pony up the $100 for the season pass. (I live very close but not technically in the city, so I can’t get in for free unless I lie and haven’t had the heart to lie.) I’ve looked the info up online but for the life of me can’t figure out what I’m actually supposed to DO to get one. Do I have to go to some obscure parks department office? Can I just ask one of the dudes at the front gate? Tips appreciated because as a city employee I know much better than to ever try calling and expecting anyone to even pick up the phone, let alone answer.

Hello friends, a random question for those of you who have 87. I’ve read a couple of comments online - probably here 😂 - saying that 87 has a green tea/matcha note in it. I would love if this were true as my years-long matcha obsession is reaching a fever pitch and I have about 17 million points on the SdJ website to use. I’ve smelled 87 briefly in Ulta but never actually tried it on skin.

So what’s your opinion - is 87 just straight sunscreen or is there a green tea note in it as well? 🍵