u/ItsAllComingUpRoses

It’s been a weird couple of days in my process.

My husband of eight years and the father of my two toddlers went to public with his affair partner earlier this week. We are five months into our required year separation before divorce. Most people did not know that we were even separated because we have kept it pretty quiet. He went and blew that up by posting a picture of them together. I have known about her for a while. Since right after he left. But we had never talked about or acknowledged the fact that he was leaving me for someone else. In fact, he outright denied it several times though admitted to cheating on me previously in our marriage. So it was a bit of shock to literally everyone, especially me, when he posted a picture of him and his affair partner online. There were several people who reached out to me when they saw it. Over and over I had to explain that yes we are separated and yes, he cheated on me with her. It was awful feeling like I had to be the one to yet again manage him and his choices.

But at the same time, I’ve been so supported by people that I’m genuinely surprised even reached out to me. So many kind words and love from people I haven’t spoken to in a long time. Or know him better than me. Even members of his own family. I’ve really kept all of this to myself for months now and now that it’s out there and everyone knows it’s like a weight has been lifted.

What he did to me was and is horrible. It’s devastating. It’s disgusting. He betrayed me in the worst possible way out of pure selfishness. I carried his children. I loved and supported him through his addictions. It’s painful to know that I meant so little to him when he meant everything to me. That he was able to toss me aside like I was nothing. Especially since it wasn’t even a clean break. Especially since we still have to coparent. He didn’t just destroy our marriage but he took half of my motherhood too now that we are 50/50 custody. That’s going to carry with me for a very, very long time.

That’s why it feels so weird to say the next part. I feel so free. The secret is out there. There’s nothing to hide or protect anymore. I don’t have to worry about literally anything or anyone except for me and my kids. I can do what I want. I can talk to who I want. I can go where I want. I can wear what I want. I don’t have to consider him or his feelings anymore. I can go to bars and clubs. I can wear high heels and short skirts. I can sing karaoke and go to trivia nights. I can watch TV in my freaking living room again. I can open the curtains and turn the lights on. I can decorate the house however I want. I can buy my kids stickers and toys that make crazy noises. We can be loud and messy and spontaneous. I can take my kids out to eat and to parks. I can invite anyone I want to my house. I can have friends. I don’t have to worry about the food I’m cooking or the music I’m listening to or the pictures I’m posting or the show I’m watching or where I’m going and what time I’ll be out until.

I would have never left him. I would have stayed in that marriage forever and told everyone how happy I was. I would have quietly forgiven him over and over, convincing myself that I was being a good wife and fighting for our family. I would have loved him for the rest of our lives not ever truly realizing that no one was really loving me. It’s not until I’m looking back now that I see how unfair my life has been. How much of myself I gave up for his comfort. I was begging to be loved without even knowing it.

But I deserve better than that life. My boys do too. I’m a better mom. I’m a better me. Hell, I’ve even lost 70lbs. I’m actually enjoying life. Sometimes through tears, sometimes through painful thoughts and memories. But I am LIVING. And honestly getting out feels like one of those neglected animals being let out into a field feeling the grass and sunshine for the first time. I didn’t even know what I was missing out on. The path to get here has been hell. And I know there’s certain to be more hell to live through. But there is so much more now too.

I’m gonna be okay. In fact, I think I already am.

My co-parent and I have 50/50 custody of our toddlers on a 2-2-3 schedule. Half of the exchanges happen face to face with us because of schedules/daycare/their ages.

Over a week ago, I told him that we needed to have a talk about some upcoming things with the kids. Such as the holiday schedule, some daycare closures, health insurance next year, pre-k transition, splitting costs, etc. This is our first year of co-parenting so there are still some kinks in our schedule to work out/figure out. He said he’d let me know when he’s available. Several days later I mentioned it again that we still needed to chat. He again said yeah I’ll let you know. It’s been a week now since I brought it up initially. No conversation yet. No plan to have one.

We are only 5 months into co-parenting so I have no point of reference. Is this normal/expected/reasonable? This is the second time I have said we needed to talk about things with the kids and it feels like he just brushes me off. Last time was over 2 weeks before he finally was like oh right, you wanted to talk. I know I can’t expect him to suddenly be a good communicator towards me but this isn’t about me. It’s about the kids. We don’t have a contentious relationship or anything. We just simply don’t talk to each other except for the quick cliff notes at exchange. We probably closer resemble parallel parenting over co-parenting.

Still, there are joint decisions we have to make and logistics that we have to sort out. I’ve told him we don’t have to do it in person, it could be a phone call. But a week later I’m still waiting for him to tell me when works for him. I guess I’m wondering if I am overreacting by being annoyed by his lack of response to my asking or if this is legitimately ridiculous.

Almost 3 months separated. Not my choice at all. But I’m living with it.

I don’t have the kids tonight because they are with their dad. It’s a long story but this was the first night in over a week and a half that I wasn’t with them in some way for the night. So.. I drove around for a bit so I wasn’t home alone in the quiet. I ended up at a bar during karaoke night I’ve known about but haven’t gone to. I don’t drink so I just watched for a while. I sang along with everyone for a few songs. Just hung out at a table by myself. I was planning to just observe. They were about the end anyway. But, the guy who was running it encouraged me to get up there and sing one. I was nervous as hell but I did it. Afterwards, I was told by several people, karaoke regulars I think, to come back and do it again.

I have always, ALWAYS wanted to do proper karaoke not just in someone’s living room. I haven’t even done that in years. I love to sing but never really in front of strangers. I’ve always had the desire to perform but I’ve always been too afraid to actually do it. It was a whim I even showed up there tonight and yet, I actually fucking did it. I cried afterwards when I was walking back to my car. I’m not even sure why. But I think.. I think I just found a new thing that I do.

You’ve always been the rain. 
Dark, a little gloomy, but beautiful with a natural ease. 
Maybe with wild rolls of thunder and clashes of lightning. 
Or maybe just soft and quiet washing over the Earth with determined purpose. 
Giving the flowers water that they need to grow.
Filling up creeks and rivers to help them move.

It’s ironic that we’ve been in a drought since the day you left. 
Everyone in town is begging for a few drops of rain.
It’s a feeling I’ve known all too well. 
The hope of an evening storm to restore balance that just never comes.
Or does but isn’t quite enough to give any relief. 
Instead being met with dryness and cracking ground beneath you. 

Even more ironic… Today of all days the rain won’t stop. 
The roads are flooding.
Everything is soaked under the storm.
It's been hours of continuous downpour.
I don’t think it's enough to relieve the drought.
But it’s ironic it’s today when yesterday I decided to stop waiting and water the plants myself.

You’ve always been the rain. 
Dark, a little gloomy, but beautiful with a natural ease. 
Maybe with wild rolls of thunder and clashes of lightning. 
Or maybe just soft and quiet washing over the Earth with determined purpose. 
Giving the flowers water that they need to grow.
Filling up creeks and rivers to help them move.

It’s ironic that we’ve been in a drought since the day you left. 
Everyone in town is begging for a few drops of rain.
It’s a feeling I’ve known all too well. 
The hope of an evening storm to restore balance that just never comes.
Or does but isn’t quite enough to give any relief. 
Instead being met with dryness and cracking ground beneath you. 

Even more ironic… Today of all days the rain won’t stop. 
The roads are flooding.
Everything is soaked under the storm.
It's been hours of continuous downpour.
I don’t think it's enough to relieve the drought.
But it’s ironic it’s today when yesterday I decided to stop waiting and water the plants myself.

You’ve always been the rain. 
Dark, a little gloomy, but beautiful with a natural ease. 
Maybe with wild rolls of thunder and clashes of lightning. 
Or maybe just soft and quiet washing over the Earth with determined purpose. 
Giving the flowers water that they need to grow.
Filling up creeks and rivers to help them move.

It’s ironic that we’ve been in a drought since the day you left. 
Everyone in town is begging for a few drops of rain.
It’s a feeling I’ve known all too well. 
The hope of an evening storm to restore balance that just never comes.
Or does but isn’t quite enough to give any relief. 
Instead being met with dryness and cracking ground beneath you. 

Even more ironic… Today of all days the rain won’t stop. 
The roads are flooding.
Everything is soaked under the storm.
It's been hours of continuous downpour.
I don’t think it's enough to relieve the drought.
But it’s ironic it’s today when yesterday I decided to stop waiting and water the plants myself.

I stopped drinking six years ago. My now soon to be ex-husband struggled with alcoholism and so in solidarity with him, I stopped drinking. I have not had a drop of alcohol since.

Recently, he left me and so my reason for sobriety is now unnecessary. I’ve been able to create mocktails and such for myself in the last six years, but I’ve always missed the taste of red wine. Now that I have have no reason not to, I’m thinking I would like to get myself a nice bottle of red wine. I just have no idea what to get. I really don’t know wine or alcohol well at all.

I know I really liked red blends. I think the dryer and earthier the better. I have joked before that to me a good red wine makes me feel like I have a paper towel in my mouth afterwards lol.

I know I really liked 7 moons and apothic red. Pretty sure I liked dark horse too. I don’t want to break the bank but I do think I’d like to get a good, not $10 at the grocery store, wine.

What recommendations do you have?

I’m genuinely getting really nervous. My husband left 9 weeks ago. He moved into his parent’s house into an in-law suite and we have been doing 50/50 custody with a 2-2-3 schedule for our toddlers ever since. We have a custody agreement we did without involving court (that was notarized when we signed it). He is having some conflict with his family.. growing pains from living together as adults.. and asked me to keep the kids his second night this week because he wasn’t sure what the temperature of the house would be after a particularly rough argument over there. I agreed. I didn’t mind at all.

Now though.. he’s asked me again to keep them but this time for his whole weekend. I know there is still drama but I also know his parents are going out of town for a least a full day of the weekend. I questioned it some but ultimately agreed because it’s my kids. I will say that the conversation we had was probably the meanest he has been to me since the separation (probably even since before he left me) and he said some incredibly hurtful things to me about me as a mother. That said, it did calm down and become more cordial by the end and he did ultimately apologize afterwards.

I’m just so nervous this is the start of me becoming a full time single parent. I am scared of this becoming a norm. He’s a great dad, he really is. But I also would have said he was a great husband 3 months ago so I don’t really know if I can trust my own perception. I don’t want to be a truly alone single parent. I keep offering for him to come see them but he’s declined. By the time he’s scheduled to get them back it will be 8 days since he’s seen them. I know a lot of parents do a week on week off rotation and that’s totally normal for them but my kids are very young at 3.5 and 1.5. That’s a long time to go without seeing their dad especially when we’ve become pretty used to the schedule. I miss my kids when they are 50% with him but I also know it’s what’s best for them. Having both parents just as present in their lives is important to me even if it is on different houses. But I also know I have no control. I’m just so scared. For me, for my kids…

I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to push us away from a healthy co-parenting relationship by saying the wrong thing or pushing the wrong button but I also don’t want this to devolve into him hardly seeing the kids and I have them on my own all the time. I don’t want this to become a comfortable arrangement. I know he has issues going on and I want the kids to feel stable and secure. At the same time, the kids have to come first. It was his decision to leave our family and determine that living with his parents would be better than living with us. But that was because he was abandoning ME, not our babies. As a parent I’d hope he would do what he can to make it work over there until he can get out on his own.

Again I know I have no control but the alternative is me just being a completely single mom raising these boys by myself. I don’t want that for any of us, and that includes their dad. I have no idea how to navigate this.

I'm honestly not sure how I feel right now.

My husband left me a little over 2 months ago and I didn't see it coming at all. The discard has been devastating to me and my entire nervous system. I have been struggling with my identity, my self worth, my appearance, my value... all of it. I have wondered if I am worthy of love. I have questioned every single thing about myself. I have spent so much time crying about my now unclear future and how a man will ever want someone like me: a brokenhearted, overweight, graying 30 something year old single mother of 2 kids still in diapers. I feel completely undesirable.

And yet... Today a complete stranger just flirted with me. It didn't go anywhere and honestly I am not in a place where I think I could handle it even potentially going anywhere, but it happened. And it wasn't one of those "are they...?" type situations. It was legit flirting. This is the first time since my separation this has happened aside from the random DMs from "friends" learning that I'm single.

Part of it makes me sad. I miss my husband and I've never wanted anyone besides him. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that despite that, he doesn't want me anymore. I still love him for some unfair, fucked up reason.

But part of me feels optimistic, I guess? Like.. maybe there is hope for me afterall. Maybe there is someone out there who would want me. Probably not the maintenance guy fixing the leak in my office ceiling but someone.

Like I said, I'm not ready. I still have a lot of healing and letting go to do. But I think it's almost relieving to feel like maybe I'm not a total loss cause like I've felt.

I'm honestly not sure how I feel right now.

My husband left me a little over 2 months ago and I didn't see it coming at all. The discard has been devastating to me and my entire nervous system. I have been struggling with my identity, my self worth, my appearance, my value... all of it. I have wondered if I am worthy of love. I have questioned every single thing about myself. I have spent so much time crying about my now unclear future and how a man will ever want someone like me: a brokenhearted, overweight, graying 30 something year old single mother of 2 kids still in diapers. I feel completely undesirable.

And yet... Today a complete stranger just flirted with me. It didn't go anywhere and honestly I am not in a place where I think I could handle it even potentially going anywhere, but it happened. And it wasn't one of those "are they...?" type situations. It was legit flirting. This is the first time since my separation this has happened aside from the random DMs from "friends" learning that I'm single.

Part of it makes me sad. I miss my husband and I've never wanted anyone besides him. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that despite that, he doesn't want me anymore. I still love him for some unfair, fucked up reason.

But part of me feels optimistic, I guess? Like.. maybe there is hope for me afterall. Maybe there is someone out there who would want me. Probably not the maintenance guy fixing the leak in my office ceiling but someone.

Like I said, I'm not ready. I still have a lot of healing and letting go to do. But I think it's almost relieving to feel like maybe I'm not a total loss cause like I've felt.

My mind has been unsettled a lot lately. I’ve been trying to sort through my thoughts like organizing piles of loose paper scattered on the floor. Which pages went together? What order should they be in? And what cabinet do I file it under? I’ve found that writing has helped me identify some of these feelings and put a label on them. I don’t know what it’s ultimately doing for me but in the short term, it helps me get it out when I have no one else to talk to.

So here I am, blank notes app page, writing to you as if you can reply back and give me any direction, feedback, perspective, or comfort.

It feels weird being in this in between place. Emotional and mental limbo of who I was and who I am and who I will be. I think it’s called “healing”? I don’t know. I never thought I’d have to heal from the man I loved and the life we built over the last decade. I am still in shock. I am still heartbroken. I’m still confused. I’m still numb. I feel like I’m doing okay considering everything. I’m still alive, that’s a positive. I’m trying to better my environment. I’m trying to be present for my kids. I’m working on trying and doing new things and reconnecting with old ones. I’m still making future plans, just alone now. I’m trying to get to know myself again. It’s hard. It does still hurt.

It’s hard to try and identify yourself again when you are also questioning yourself. I poured my life into loving another person and now I’m left wondering what is wrong with me. I know the typical response is “nothing. It’s a reflection of them, not you” but honestly, that feels like a soft way to pat someone on the shoulder and feel like you said something helpful. Reality is, after over a decade together and then suddenly being discarded, it’s impossible not to feel like it’s personal. It makes you feel worthless like you just simply have no value. You feel useless like you failed at a fundamental human level. You feel ugly and undesirable like having their children ruined your body and mind in ways they couldn’t accept. You feel stupid like you should have seen the signs sooner. You lose all sense of reality.

It makes you question every conversation. Every shared moment. Every kiss. Every hug. Every laugh. Every memory. Was any of it real? Was it all for show? Was it just because I was a warm body that made him feel comfortable? Was I just stupid and naive this entire time?

I’ve looked back at the whole relationship like I’m looking for any kind of clue or sign or answer. I’ve been looking for anything to try and understand what happened. I’ve scrolled through old photos and read texts. Found letters shared between us. Old notes in drawers. I’ve sifted through everything just to try and see the relationship for what it really was this time and not what I thought at the time. Looking for proof that it wasn’t all fake.

It wasn’t perfect, it never was, but man.. I was so happy. I was so in love. I see the way I smiled in pictures together. The way I looked at him. I’ve read the texts so full of love and life. I can still feel the excitement in some of the messages. There was such an energy of connection and genuine desire to just exist with him. I don’t know that he ever felt that too. I don’t know that the messages he sent had the same foundation. I don’t know if the smile in his picture was real or his texts honest. I want to believe they were but I just don’t know.

Now all I have is the message I have and the photos I took. He’s gotten rid of every moment he captured of me or us. A whole decade plus of my life has been erased. Pictures I will never get back. Memories lost forever. Even photos and moments with my kids that are just gone. Pieces of me that now only live behind the delete button. Moments my kids will never get to see. And that’s why it’s hard not to feel worthless. How was I so easy to discard like that so quickly? A whole life shared together just gone. My whole life just gone. It’s so hard not to attach a meaninglessness to yourself when the person you loved with your whole heart didn’t even hesitate to get rid of the shots of you growing into an adult and pictures of you pregnant with their child or you with your newborns or playing with your kids or candids of you just living life. Years upon years of moments I couldn’t capture myself so callously trashed without even considering if I’d want them. My entirely life, deleted.

When he left, he took all of it with him. I’m grieving more than just my marriage. He is only a piece of it. I’m grieving my life. My past. My identity. My memories. My family. My entire adulthood and motherhood. My future. The little pieces of myself. Everything has been stripped away. Another “helpful” statement… “but he gave you those kids.” Yes, he did, and he took them for half their lives too.

I can rebuild myself. It’s going to hurt for awhile but I can do it. I can create a new life for me and my kids. I can be happy again. But I can’t get back those moments again. The pictures of the good days when I was naive to the truth. The feeling of being recklessly in love before my heart was jaded by reality. The naivety of a girl whose heart skipped when she was with a boy. That smile I gave him, that look in my eyes, they only live in the past now. All of those moments we shared as a young family just figuring out life. I wasn’t perfect. I would never claim to have been. I have an entire document of all the ways I can identity that I fucked up. But I loved.

I’ve given up all hope of us reuniting one day. It’s a bittersweet thought. I really truly believed he was it for me but I also see that the him I thought I knew wasn’t real. I was in love with a the man I wanted him to be, the man I thought he was, not the man he actually was. I can’t help but still feel and have memories where I believe maybe he did love me in the moment. I have seen photos of him smiling at me where maybe he was happy to be with me. It’s hard for me to accept it knowing what I know now but I would like to believe that our children were created and born out of love. Maybe that’s wishful thinking but I want that for them. I won’t delete the pictures or memories I still have because they deserve to see that too one day.

I know I’m going to be okay. I do. I know I will eventually be able to look back at my early adulthood and the beginning of my motherhood with fondness again and not betrayal. I will keep the memories in my heart even if the pictures are long gone. I will be a new version of myself. Maybe I will even love again. I miss the life I had but all I can do now is build a new one with my boys full of love, compassion, and laughter. The three of us deserve that.

Now… do I file this under G for Grief or H for Healing…?

Well, we just yelled at each other in the parking lot of a movie theater.

We took our oldest to see Toy Story 5 together and honestly, it went really really great. Our kiddo had a great time, we interacted well. It was a perfectly fine experience.

All the way up until we got the kiddo in the car. Then we start arguing about the schedule for his therapy sessions I made with our kid’s therapist yesterday and how I screwed up and didn’t think about getting them scheduled for times that he could attend virtually. It just honestly slipped my mind when we were scheduling it because of all of the chaos and moving parts, but of course it led to an argument where we’re yelling at each other other fucking parking lot… I tried to be calm and just couldn’t. I was trying so hard to keep the peace. We just weren’t communicating well at all. As soon as I realized I had lost my grip I ended the conversation and now I just feel like shit. I don’t want to be the parents who yell at each other in parking lots with our kids in the car. I don’t want to be the parents who yell at each other at all. I don’t want contention. I know I have no control over how this all turns out but I want to have control over myself and my actions. I’m so embarrassed and devastated. I just want to be the best we can for our kids. I hate this. I hate this feeling. I feel like I failed my son today.

What is the point of coming to town to “help” with me with the kids if you aren’t going to help?

I have 2 instances this weekend where I need one kid watched while I’m with the other one so I guess as long as that actually happens it’s fine but damnit I was really looking forward to having another adult in the house this weekend to help me and lessen my load at least a little. But nope.. just another adult in the house who is laying on the couch asleep while I still do literally everything for both toddlers. Who literally got here an hour later than planned and only about 10 minutes before I absolutely needed them here. No distracting them while I cook. No watching them while I go to the bathroom. No changing a diaper while I stop the other one from climbing on the table. It’s just not fucking fair that my “village” is always just me. I really can’t rely on anyone but myself. Even when they are in my own living room.

What little routines have you created for yourself and your kids when you don’t have them?

For example… I do not have my toddlers tonight, but I get them back in the morning. We are doing a 2-2-3 schedule, so the first night that they are with their dad during the week I am trying to do something for me. But the second night before I get them back the next day, I have actually found that I enjoy resetting the playroom and cleaning up their bedrooms for them, including making their beds with all of their little stuffed animals for when they get back. They have little snack buckets at my house that I make sure to refill and I will put fresh made sippy cups for them in the fridge. I think it helps me feel like I’m still Mom even when I don’t have them here.

Do you do anything similar?

Ain’t nothing like getting a friend request from someone who went to high school with you and your now separated husband that immediately turns into a DM with “I heard you’re single now?” 🫠 haven’t spoken in over 14 years but damned if they don’t come out of the woodwork.

I am co-parenting my 3.5 year old and 1.5 year old with their dad.

Our oldest is in a floor bed in both houses. Our youngest is in a wooden mini crib at my house and currently a pack n play at their dad's. My MIL (who dad lives with) mentioned to me about them transitioning my youngest into a floor bed or toddler bed there soon.

Those who are or have co-parented with such young kids, how consistent is your sleeping arrangements between both houses? My mini crib can have the front removed but it's far enough off the ground in the lowest setting and my baby moves around so much that I would worry about him falling out of it at night. I don't know if I am overthinking or if I do need to be looking at transitioning him into a big boy bed at my house soon so I have one for him too. Problem is, I really really can't afford a whole new bed and mattress right now but could start trying to save if they give me enough time to.

Do your kids have the same-ish set up in both homes? If not, or if they didn't at some point, did you or your co-parent notice issues at either house because of the inconsistency? I don't really mean queen bed vs. twin bed but more crib vs. toddler/twin bed.

This is my 2 month check in. 

It’s been almost exactly 2 months since my husband’s abrupt end to our marriage and we began our 1 year of separation. We’ve been together 12 years, married for 8, and have 2 kids together. A 1.5 year old and a 3.5 year old. 

We had only just been discussing and working on our issues that started when I was postpartum with our youngest. My mental health took a massive hit and I was drowning in my depression. I was so focused on trying to survive another day that I did not see the damage being done to my marriage. Unfortunately, my husband had already made up his mind about leaving me before he ever talked to me. We did couples counseling, made changes to our routine, efforts to reconnect, I got on medication, etc. but he was never interested in fixing anything as much as making me feel ‘better’ about him leaving and the decisions he had already made. (That absolutely did not make me feel any better at all btw.) 

I’ve learned that the term for this kind of breakup is a discard. And that feels accurate. I have also learned a lot about my marriage after the fact that I had no idea about during. Lies, deceit, betrayal, secrecy, disregard… what I thought was a happy and stable marriage all these years I’ve come to realize never was. He and I went through rough times but I always had faith in our relationship. I’ve come to see that I was the only one who did. I’ve realized that I loved him and he let me. With the things he’s said post-separation and thinking back on our entire relationship, I’ve begun to realize that he likely never really loved me. I was never chosen. I struggled a lot this last year and wasn’t able to dedicate myself to him the way I always had. I think my needing support and him not being able to give it is a big part of what led to where we are today. Yes, I did not open up the way I should have when I was in such a dark place mentally. But I trusted he would love me the way I had always loved him and instead had my eyes opened to the fact that he just didn’t. He could not support me like I supported him. Or at least, he didn’t want to. 

Not only did my husband take away my stability and companionship with him but he took my kids from me too. The same kids that my body almost killed me for when I had the first and my mind almost killed me for when I had the second. I did not make this decision, I did not do anything wrong, and yet I am the one discarded and suddenly alone 50% of the time. That has been the hardest part. I struggle being a single mom, especially on the heels of my postpartum depression. The whole thing has been so hard. I’m nervous for their futures. I am nervous for mine. My kids are my entire life, and he is half of theirs. Custody exchanges, milestones, birthdays, holidays, sports games, school plays, parent-teacher conferences, graduations, weddings, grandchildren... He will be there for all of it too. He will be a permanent scar in my story forever. A tattoo I will never be able to remove. I will have to sit in the same rooms as him indefinitely with a smile on my face for my kids while pretending not to remember that horrific pain this man whom I loved so deeply chose to put me through. I love my kids but having to coparent with someone you love who turned around and chose to hurt you is incredibly difficult. And it’s not just with him. He moved into his parents house and so they help coparent too. I’ve gone from part of one cohesive parenting unit to feeling like I only have 1/3 of the influence of raising my own kids. I’ve lost my marriage and I’ve lost a lot of my motherhood too. I’ve been trying to hold onto what I still have for dear life. 

My emotions have been everywhere. I spent the first month crying and pleading and begging. I’m talking about crying so hard that I’m screaming. Shaking all the time because my body can’t regulate. Laying on the floor because I just can’t move anymore. Sitting in the shower until the water runs cold. Anxiety has sat in my chest nonstop since the day he left. I stopped eating and I’ve lost 32 pounds in 8 weeks. Most nights I only sleep from 1am to 3am. Maybe again from 4am to 5am too if I’m lucky. My dreams are nightmares of the situation, twisted memories, and fears for the future. I have a hard time talking to anyone because it takes only a small trigger to derail me for the rest of the day.

The next 2 weeks were numb. I went through the motions more than anything. I began questioning everything about myself. My appearance. My mind. My intuition. My instincts. My self worth. My own memories. My existence. I do not trust anymore, not myself or anyone. I will not rely on anyone again. All I have is me. 

The last 2 have started to feel like maybe there could be a day I can breathe easily again. I still cry every day. Sometimes a lot. Sometimes just once. Money is very, very tight and honestly, I’m scared about my ability to provide for my kids long term. Skipping meals was because of my emotions at first but now it's also about saving us money. I am working on solutions. I am still very lonely. But, I am sitting in it. I am letting myself feel all of the pain and discomfort. I cry when I need to cry. I am yelling at the world when I need to yell. The only way forward is through. So I am going through it. It is completely awful. It is the worst pain I have ever been in in my life but I’m letting myself feel it. I am turning to hobbies. New and old ones. Playing guitar. Lots of writing and journaling. Spending time outside. Driving around (but gas is expensive so giving up this). Going for walks. Working out. So much cleaning. Working on small projects in my house. Photography. Trying to get out and do fun things with my kids or come up with new things to do at home together. Therapy weekly. Doctor monthly. I’ve got my oldest starting therapy now too. 

I am working on trying to build a life he is only in the background for and not in the center of. I felt a lot like I built this big beautiful house only to be told the foundation was rotted as the house crumbled. All that’s left is debris to sort through. For weeks I just sat in it and cried about what it was and what it could have been. Now I am sweeping it up and considering what a new blueprint could look like. There is still so much pain in my heart because as pathetic as it is, there is still so much love for him. But there is also reality. Reality that my marriage was one sided. Reality that he would rather hurt me than work with me. Reality that nothing I can say or do will ever change his mind or make him love me. Reality that he did not see me as worth the effort to try. Reality that my marriage and the life I loved is over and gone forever. Reality that he broke my heart, plain and simple.

It’s a hard place to be but it's where I am. And it’s a better place than I was a few weeks ago. I am working on balancing co-parenting for the kids and letting go of the future I imagined for us. We are in this co-parenting relationship, partnership really, indefinitely. I am not chasing him anymore. I am not looking for reassurance or nuggets of hope. I am accepting that he does not love me and he’s not going to love me. I am choosing to focus on me and our children. I am still hurt. I am still grieving us. I am still working through untangling my emotions tied to him but I keep reminding myself that what we are is parents. We have to do and be what’s best for our kids. Anything else with us just is what it is. I think I will always hold a place for him in my heart. He was my first everything and the father of my 2 amazing boys. I fell for him when I was just 16. I can’t deny the chemistry I still feel when I am near him. I can’t say there isn’t still a spark for me. But I am also being realistic. He does not feel the same about me. He does not want me. He does not grieve me the way I grieve him. It does hurt and I can’t say I have fully accepted it, but I think I am getting there. 

This is only 8 weeks in. I think there is a real possibility that week 9 could just as easily be another step forward as it could be 2 steps backwards again. Healing is not linear. I know I still have a lot of hard days in front of me. I know I still have many many more tears to cry over him. I know it's probably going to be years before I fully recover from him, if ever. But today, I think I am mostly okay. Tomorrow? I don’t know. 

Maybe I’ll check in in another month or 2 and see where I am then.

This is my 2 month check in. 

It’s been almost exactly 2 months since my husband’s abrupt end to our marriage and we began our 1 year of separation. We’ve been together 12 years, married for 8, and have 2 kids together. A 1.5 year old and a 3.5 year old. 

We had only just been discussing and working on our issues that started when I was postpartum with our youngest. My mental health took a massive hit and I was drowning in my depression. I was so focused on trying to survive another day that I did not see the damage being done to my marriage. Unfortunately, my husband had already made up his mind about leaving me before he ever talked to me. We did couples counseling, made changes to our routine, efforts to reconnect, I got on medication, etc. but he was never interested in fixing anything as much as making me feel ‘better’ about him leaving and the decisions he had already made. (That absolutely did not make me feel any better at all btw.) 

I’ve learned that the term for this kind of breakup is a discard. And that feels accurate. I have also learned a lot about my marriage after the fact that I had no idea about during. Lies, deceit, betrayal, secrecy, disregard… what I thought was a happy and stable marriage all these years I’ve come to realize never was. He and I went through rough times but I always had faith in our relationship. I’ve come to see that I was the only one who did. I’ve realized that I loved him and he let me. With the things he’s said post-separation and thinking back on our entire relationship, I’ve begun to realize that he likely never really loved me. I was never chosen. I struggled a lot this last year and wasn’t able to dedicate myself to him the way I always had. I think my needing support and him not being able to give it is a big part of what led to where we are today. Yes, I did not open up the way I should have when I was in such a dark place mentally. But I trusted he would love me the way I had always loved him and instead had my eyes opened to the fact that he just didn’t. He could not support me like I supported him. Or at least, he didn’t want to. 

Not only did my husband take away my stability and companionship with him but he took my kids from me too. The same kids that my body almost killed me for when I had the first and my mind almost killed me for when I had the second. I did not make this decision, I did not do anything wrong, and yet I am the one discarded and suddenly alone 50% of the time. That has been the hardest part. I struggle being a single mom, especially on the heels of my postpartum depression. The whole thing has been so hard. I’m nervous for their futures. I am nervous for mine. My kids are my entire life, and he is half of theirs. Custody exchanges, milestones, birthdays, holidays, sports games, school plays, parent-teacher conferences, graduations, weddings, grandchildren... He will be there for all of it too. He will be a permanent scar in my story forever. A tattoo I will never be able to remove. I will have to sit in the same rooms as him indefinitely with a smile on my face for my kids while pretending not to remember that horrific pain this man whom I loved so deeply chose to put me through. I love my kids but having to coparent with someone you love who turned around and chose to hurt you is incredibly difficult. And it’s not just with him. He moved into his parents house and so they help coparent too. I’ve gone from part of one cohesive parenting unit to feeling like I only have 1/3 of the influence of raising my own kids. I’ve lost my marriage and I’ve lost a lot of my motherhood too. I’ve been trying to hold onto what I still have for dear life. 

My emotions have been everywhere. I spent the first month crying and pleading and begging. I’m talking about crying so hard that I’m screaming. Shaking all the time because my body can’t regulate. Laying on the floor because I just can’t move anymore. Sitting in the shower until the water runs cold. Anxiety has sat in my chest nonstop since the day he left. I stopped eating and I’ve lost 32 pounds in 8 weeks. Most nights I only sleep from 1am to 3am. Maybe again from 4am to 5am too if I’m lucky. My dreams are nightmares of the situation, twisted memories, and fears for the future. I have a hard time talking to anyone because it takes only a small trigger to derail me for the rest of the day.

The next 2 weeks were numb. I went through the motions more than anything. I began questioning everything about myself. My appearance. My mind. My intuition. My instincts. My self worth. My own memories. My existence. I do not trust anymore, not myself or anyone. I will not rely on anyone again. All I have is me. 

The last 2 have started to feel like maybe there could be a day I can breathe easily again. I still cry every day. Sometimes a lot. Sometimes just once. Money is very, very tight and honestly, I’m scared about my ability to provide for my kids long term. Skipping meals was because of my emotions at first but now it's also about saving us money. I am working on solutions. I am still very lonely. But, I am sitting in it. I am letting myself feel all of the pain and discomfort. I cry when I need to cry. I am yelling at the world when I need to yell. The only way forward is through. So I am going through it. It is completely awful. It is the worst pain I have ever been in in my life but I’m letting myself feel it. I am turning to hobbies. New and old ones. Playing guitar. Lots of writing and journaling. Spending time outside. Driving around (but gas is expensive so giving up this). Going for walks. Working out. So much cleaning. Working on small projects in my house. Photography. Trying to get out and do fun things with my kids or come up with new things to do at home together. Therapy weekly. Doctor monthly. I’ve got my oldest starting therapy now too. 

I am working on trying to build a life he is only in the background for and not in the center of. I felt a lot like I built this big beautiful house only to be told the foundation was rotted as the house crumbled. All that’s left is debris to sort through. For weeks I just sat in it and cried about what it was and what it could have been. Now I am sweeping it up and considering what a new blueprint could look like. There is still so much pain in my heart because as pathetic as it is, there is still so much love for him. But there is also reality. Reality that my marriage was one sided. Reality that he would rather hurt me than work with me. Reality that nothing I can say or do will ever change his mind or make him love me. Reality that he did not see me as worth the effort to try. Reality that my marriage and the life I loved is over and gone forever. Reality that he broke my heart, plain and simple.

It’s a hard place to be but it's where I am. And it’s a better place than I was a few weeks ago. I am working on balancing co-parenting for the kids and letting go of the future I imagined for us. We are in this co-parenting relationship, partnership really, indefinitely. I am not chasing him anymore. I am not looking for reassurance or nuggets of hope. I am accepting that he does not love me and he’s not going to love me. I am choosing to focus on me and our children. I am still hurt. I am still grieving us. I am still working through untangling my emotions tied to him but I keep reminding myself that what we are is parents. We have to do and be what’s best for our kids. Anything else with us just is what it is. I think I will always hold a place for him in my heart. He was my first everything and the father of my 2 amazing boys. I fell for him when I was just 16. I can’t deny the chemistry I still feel when I am near him. I can’t say there isn’t still a spark for me. But I am also being realistic. He does not feel the same about me. He does not want me. He does not grieve me the way I grieve him. It does hurt and I can’t say I have fully accepted it, but I think I am getting there. 

This is only 8 weeks in. I think there is a real possibility that week 9 could just as easily be another step forward as it could be 2 steps backwards again. Healing is not linear. I know I still have a lot of hard days in front of me. I know I still have many many more tears to cry over him. I know it's probably going to be years before I fully recover from him, if ever. But today, I think I am mostly okay. Tomorrow? I don’t know. 

Maybe I’ll check in in another month or 2 and see where I am then.

I miss him most when it rains.

The sound of droplets tapping against the window. 
Water pattering on the roof. 

Sitting on the couch cuddled up. 
Or curled up in the bed together 

The world outside being pelted. 
Drowning against itself. 

But us inside. 
Listening to the thunder roll. 
No care in the world about what’s going on outside of these four walls. 

The sunshine is my kids… Full of life and energy. 
A night sky decorated with stars is me… Vast, unknown, and full of untapped potential. 

But the rain? The rain will always be him.

I miss him most when it rains.

The sound of droplets tapping against the window. 
Water pattering on the roof. 

Sitting on the couch cuddled up. 
Or curled up in the bed together 

The world outside being pelted. 
Drowning against itself. 

But us inside. 
Listening to the thunder roll. 
No care in the world about what’s going on outside of these four walls. 

The sunshine is my kids… Full of life and energy. 
A night sky decorated with stars is me… Vast, unknown, and full of untapped potential. 

But the rain? The rain will always be him.