u/ItsAllComingUpRoses

I don’t have my kids this weekend and I’m having a particularly hard time. So I took a spontaneous trip up to my mom and sister’s. Regretted it within 10 minutes of getting here but that’s unrelated.

Now, I’m regretting it tenfold. My sister has a long term live in boyfriend. She has 2 kids around 8-10 from a former relationship and is heavily pregnant with their first child together.

I’ve never been a fan of how they parent but seeing it now through the lens of a separated, single co-parent.. I’m absolutely nauseous. Her boyfriend acts like he’s their dad and she lets him. And not even a good dad.

The kids are wild and defiant and intentionally rude, sure. But they are kids. Tonight one talked back, exhausted, after midnight, with a shaky/crying voice. This grown man got in his face. He sent him to his room and then yelled at him for a solid 2-3 minutes nonstop. And horrible things. My sister sat on the couch while it happened.

Like I said, I’ve always had issues with the way they handle the kids and I’ve said something before about it. Watching it happen tonight.. I got hit with this sudden fear for my kids. If I ever get into another serious relationship, these are behaviors and red flags I have to catch early before my kids ever have a chance to experience this from a step parent. And I have absolutely 0 control of who my ex brings around them either. There is a whole new layer of fear and honestly pure terror of one of us bringing the wrong person into their lives. I know my sister’s boyfriend didn’t show up like this out of the gate and she willfully tolerates a lot more than I ever would. But when did these red flags start? When did this start and what did she do about it then? And god, why does she let him talk to her kids like that??

I think because of the way the end of my marriage unfolded, I am even more nervous about it. I feel like I can’t trust my own instincts. I don’t trust anyone, including myself, at all anymore. It’s like I’ve had this realization that I may never let someone else into my/our lives. And again, I have no control over their other household and have no idea what could or would be happening over there. I’d like to say I trust my ex but I’m not even sure I know him anymore and like I said, I hardly trust anyone now regardless. I know I’m emotional and missing my kids extra hard right now, and that I’m borrowing tomorrow’s problems that may never come.. but I can’t stop thinking about it.

I want to go home. 

But home doesn’t exist anymore. 

I can never go back there. 

No matter how much my heart aches. 

I want to go home. 

But home doesn’t exist anymore. 

I can never go back there. 

No matter how much my heart aches. 

I want to go home. 

But home doesn’t exist anymore. 

I can never go back there. 

No matter how much my heart aches. 

Tomorrow is my first holiday without my kids. Their dad has them this weekend. I won’t see them at all. I had a full on breakdown when they pulled out of my driveway with them this afternoon.

I took a spontaneous trip out of town to my mom’s so I wasn’t totally alone and already regret it.

It’s just 4th of July which has never been a big holiday for me but it’s making me think about the big ones. If I’m this devastated for the 4th, how am I going to handle Thanksgiving or Christmas or their birthdays?

I hate this. I don’t know how to cope with this. When I had them, I thought we’d have a different life than this. I thought motherhood would be full of joy and making memories but now half of it is just emptiness and heartbreak.

Usually exchanges happen at my exes house and I’m the one doing the transporting just because of the way that our schedule is. Today he came and got our toddlers from my house. It’s always hard to leave when I’m the one driving away, but watching them pull out of my driveway broke me worse than it ever has. When did it start to hurt less to see them go? I’m only 2 months in so I know it’s still so fresh for me but god, this is awful right now.

What music are you listening to throughout this? I am the spouse that was left about 8 weeks ago. I am trying to get back into listening music to just feel all of the suck with this situation. Obviously it's a lot of Taylor Swift because she knows how to write heartbreak. What does your playlist look like?

exile - Bon Iver/Taylor Swift
I Can Do It With A Broken Heart - Taylor Swift
Cold As You - Taylor Swift
Should've Said No - Taylor Swift
Mr. Perfectly Fine - Taylor Swift
All Too Well - Taylor Swift
Come Back... Be Here - Taylor Swift
Better Man - Taylor Swift
All You Had To Do Was Stay - Taylor Swift
I Wish You Would - Taylor Swift
Is It Over Now? - Taylor Swift
Now That We Don't Talk - Taylor Swift
the 1 - Taylor Swift
champagne problems - Taylor Swift
right where you left me - Taylor Swift
You're On Your Own, Kid - Taylor Swift
You're Losing Me - Taylor Swift
The Black Dog - Taylor Swift
The Prophecy - Taylor Swift
Keep You - Sugarland
Stay - Sugarland
Burning House - Cam
My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys - Taylor Swift
Down Bad - Taylor Swift
loml - Taylor Swift
Somebody That I Used To Know - Gotye
How Do I Breathe - Mario
Love The Way You Lie - Eminem
jar of hearts - Christina Perri
What Hurts The Most - Rascal Flatts
Watching Airplanes - Gary Allan
Because Of You - Kelly Clarkson
Foolish One - Taylor Swift
The Manuscript - Taylor Swift
False God - Taylor Swift
My Immortal - Evanescence
Easy On Me - Adele
Chasing Pavements - Adele
How To Save a Life - Coldplay
Here Without You - 3 Doors Down
In The End - Linkin Park
Hurt - Johnny Cash
Sound of Silence - Disturbed

Ughhhhhhh…

I’ve been doing so well. I’ve had moments still everyday but they are fewer are far between. I’ve done well focusing on myself and my kids. I’ve gotten into yoga and working out. Playing my guitar again. Writing A LOT. Journaling. Going out into the world by myself. Taking the kids places. Cleaning/decluttering my house…

And I get in front of him and just end up fucking word vomiting. Like what is wrong with me?

We met up tonight after the kids went to bed to talk about some things regarding the children (ie potty training, therapy, ordering diapers/pullups, etc.). It went great. Until we were done and then the conversation sort of pivoted and lead to me just mentally unloading my brain to him. All of the trying to move on, I’m not your problem anymore, you don’t want/need to know what’s going on in my life to I’m just trying to live without you, I can’t need you or rely on you to I still love you and want to work on it but I know you don’t, I am trying to live with your choice so we can co-parent together literally forever.

I just.. FUCK. I don’t know how to not fall back into him being my person I expose my soul to anymore. He’s been my person for literally half my life. I know he doesn’t feel the same about me anymore. I know his feelings for me run as deep as “we share kids” now. I know all of this. And yet, my brain just fucking malfunctioned and exposed all of the progress I thought I did to him and unraveled it in the process.

I feel like such a damn idiot.

I posted this a few days ago about my interaction with a neighbor.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Women/s/9c0falV3QS

Well I have an update and it’s not a great one so I’m really looking for advice now.

My neighbor showed up today to start working on the yard work… unannounced. He brought a buddy with him to help out which was fine. Instead of just doing the very specific work I asked for he proceeded to start working on my entire yard like I said was unnecessary. I just sort of let him for an hour until they were finished. He knocked on the door and wanted me to come see what they did. The work they did was basic but helpful though not what I needed. He then said he was coming back tomorrow. I told him not to worry about it and he said he’d come tomorrow and a few nights this week and next weekend until he gets my yard “exactly how I want it”. I told him I really just need those few things done but he just is not listening. I told him my dad was helping with the “big project” I have and he said again to tell my dad not to worry about it. (So first telling me to keep my estranged husband away, and now my dad.) This neighbor is now also exclusively calling me sweetheart. He said he was going to make sure “someone was taking care of me.” He then said I was always like a daughter to him which made it even weirder. Insisted on a hug twice which I was very intentionally awkward about.

At this point when he finally left, I did call my dad. He told me that this neighbor has been fired from SEVERAL jobs for inappropriate behavior with women, including by my dad (that’s how they know each other, they used to work together and eventually my dad become his boss). He has apparently let himself into women’s apartments before and cornered them in their homes. He’s not had any charges brought against him for any of this. I knew he was accused of something by a resident and was fired before but I was told it was a misunderstanding. I didn’t know this history. And now he’s aware that I am in the middle of a separation and living alone and has an excuse to come around. My dad told me that this is typical behavior from him but didn’t really offer any solution which I sort of expected ultimately.

Several people gave me ideas of saying my husband was coming around more than he is as a deterrent or putting men’s shoes from a thrift store by my door so it looks like there’s a man here. I can absolutely do those and plan to but the problem could be that 1, in order to get to my house, you’d have to pass his. I am at the end of a private dead end road in the cul-de-sac. He would see the comings and goings. 2, I don’t have a garage so it’s obvious to see who is here by the cars in my driveway. And 3, you can’t see my porch from the road anyway if I was to try and say there was a guy coming in and out of here and he wasn’t paying attention to the cars going by.

What I’m looking for now is advice from other divorced/separated women on how to handle the unwanted advances from a guy like this who knows where I live, that I’m alone, and has a “reason” to come around. I already hate living alone as I never have before now. I was paranoid before. Now I’m genuinely freaked out.

My husband left me 6 weeks ago and we have been co-parenting our 3.5 and 1.5 year olds ever since. We have a pretty good co-parenting relationship. There has not been any conflict at all related to the kids. In fact, we've done well at putting aside other conflicts to refocus on them when needed. He moved out of our home and into an in law suite at his parents' house.

I love my in laws. I always have. My mother in law in particular is someone I consider(ed?) a close friend ever since I was still only dating my husband. We have always been incredibly close until this happened. We still have a good relationship but it's obviously taken a massive hit since her son left me, understandably.

When I pick up the kids from there on his days to take them to daycare, I am doing the exchange with his mom because he's already left for work. I volunteered to still do daycare pick up and drop off even during his parenting time because I’m not going to pass up the opportunity to spend a little extra time with my kids. Those exchanges usually go well except for my oldest not wanting to leave most of the time. (Yesterday I had to chase him all around their yard to get him to get in the car because he didn't want to go.)

Today my MIL was updating me on the kids and I got hit with a dose of reality I wasn't expecting. She was telling me about a website/app she purchased for my oldest to help him with his speech and reading skills. She also ordered him a vitamin powder since he hardly eats much (toddlers...) and she wants him to get more nutrients. She was telling me how she and my husband discussed that my youngest will need to transition out of the pack and play he sleeps in over there into a big boy bed soon since he climbs out of that one. And they are going to get them a new riding 4 wheeler thing for playing outside because they are getting too big for the 2 over there already. She was telling me a story about my FIL playing outside with my oldest the other night. I watched her step in to discipline my kids over me for messing with things they aren’t supposed to or talking back to me or not listen to me etc.

And in all of this, I realized that my kids have a whole family unit that I'm not apart of. When they are with their dad, they are apart of a well established home. And when they are with me, it's just us. I realized I'm not co-parenting with just their dad but with his whole family. I love them and I am so glad they love and take care of my kids the way they do but I also feel like decisions and conversations are happening with everyone but me. I don't know that I feel excluded as much as just on the sidelines of my kids lives. I have been wanting to sit down to talk about some things regarding the kids with their dad but we haven't had a chance to do it yet.

When I have them, all they want is dad and to go to grandma's house. My oldest has behavioral issues with me that I have been told they aren't seeing over there nearly as much if at all. He throws massive tantrums when I tell him we are going to mom’s house or that he will see them later. Over there they have a family structure to lean on and I only have me. In the evenings, I am trying to balance making dinner and changing diapers and disciplining and baths all at the same time while they get to play outside and get one on one time over there. I'm jealous. I never wanted to be a single parent and this makes me feel even lonelier. I can't help but feel like my kids have a better life with their dad than they do when they are with me. More support, more structure, more than I can give them on my own.

I have already lost my marriage. Now I feel like I'm losing my motherhood too.

My husband left me 6 weeks ago and we have been co-parenting our 3.5 and 1.5 year olds ever since. We have a pretty good co-parenting relationship. There has no been any conflict at all related to the kids. In fact, we've done well at putting aside other conflicts to refocus on them when needed. He moved out of our home and into an in law suite at his parents' house.

I love my in laws. I always have. My mother in law in particular is someone I consider(ed?) a close friend ever since I was still only dating my husband. We have always been incredibly close until this happened. We still have a good relationship but it's obviously taken a massive hit since her son left me, understandably.

When I pick up the kids from there on his days to take them to daycare, I am doing the exchange with his mom because he's already left for work. I volunteered to still do daycare pick up and drop off even during his parenting time because I’m not going to pass up the opportunity to spend a little extra time with my kids. Those exchanges usually go well except for my oldest not wanting to leave most of the time. (Yesterday I had to chase him all around their yard to get him to get in the car because he didn't want to go.)

Today my MIL was updating me on the kids and I got hit with a dose of reality I wasn't expecting. She was telling me about a website/app she purchased for my oldest to help him with his speech and reading skills. She also ordered him a vitamin powder since he hardly eats much (toddlers...) and she wants him to get more nutrients. She was telling me how she and my husband discussed that my youngest will need to transition out of the pack and play he sleeps in over there into a big boy bed soon since he climbs out of that one. And they are going to get them a new riding 4 wheeler thing for playing outside because they are getting too big for the 2 over there already. She was telling me a story about my FIL playing outside with my oldest the other night. I watched her step in to discipline my kids over me for messing with things they aren’t supposed to or talking back to me or not listen to me etc.

And in all of this, I realized that my kids have a whole family unit that I'm not apart of. When they are with their dad, they are apart of a well established home. And when they are with me, it's just us. I realized I'm not co-parenting with just their dad but with his whole family. I love them and I am so glad they love and take care of my kids the way they do but I also feel like decisions and conversations are happening with everyone but me. I don't know that I feel excluded as much as just on the sidelines of my kids lives. I have been wanting to sit down to talk about some things regarding the kids with their dad but we haven't had a chance to do it yet.

When I have them, all they want is dad and to go to grandma's house. My oldest has behavioral issues with me that I have been told they aren't seeing over there nearly as much if at all. He throws massive tantrums when I tell him we are going to mom’s house or that he will see them later. Over there they have a family structure to lean on and I only have me. In the evenings, I am trying to balance making dinner and changing diapers and disciplining and baths all at the same time while they get to play outside and get one on one time over there. I'm jealous. I never wanted to be a single parent and this makes me feel even lonelier. I can't help but feel like my kids have a better life with their dad than they do when they are with me. More support, more structure, more than I can give them on my own.

I have already lost my marriage. Now I feel like I'm losing my motherhood too.

My husband left me 6 weeks ago and we have been co-parenting our 3.5 and 1.5 year olds ever since. We have a pretty good co-parenting relationship. There has not been any conflict at all related to the kids. In fact, we've done well at putting aside other conflicts to refocus on them when needed. He moved out of our home and into an in law suite at his parents' house.

I love my in laws. I always have. My mother in law in particular is someone I consider(ed?) a close friend ever since I was still only dating my husband. We have always been incredibly close until this happened. We still have a good relationship but it's obviously taken a massive hit since her son left me, understandably.

When I pick up the kids from there on his days to take them to daycare, I am doing the exchange with his mom because he's already left for work. I volunteered to still do daycare pick up and drop off even during his parenting time because I’m not going to pass up the opportunity to spend a little extra time with my kids. Those exchanges usually go well except for my oldest not wanting to leave most of the time. (Yesterday I had to chase him all around their yard to get him to get in the car because he didn't want to go.)

Today my MIL was updating me on the kids and I got hit with a dose of reality I wasn't expecting. She was telling me about a website/app she purchased for my oldest to help him with his speech and reading skills. She also ordered him a vitamin powder since he hardly eats much (toddlers...) and she wants him to get more nutrients. She was telling me how she and my husband discussed that my youngest will need to transition out of the pack and play he sleeps in over there into a big boy bed soon since he climbs out of that one. And they are going to get them a new riding 4 wheeler thing for playing outside because they are getting too big for the 2 over there already. She was telling me a story about my FIL playing outside with my oldest the other night. I watched her step in to discipline my kids over me for messing with things they aren’t supposed to or talking back to me or not listen to me etc.

And in all of this, I realized that my kids have a whole family unit that I'm not apart of. When they are with their dad, they are apart of a well established home. And when they are with me, it's just us. I realized I'm not co-parenting with just their dad but with his whole family. I love them and I am so glad they love and take care of my kids the way they do but I also feel like decisions and conversations are happening with everyone but me. I don't know that I feel excluded as much as just on the sidelines of my kids lives. I have been wanting to sit down to talk about some things regarding the kids with their dad but we haven't had a chance to do it yet.

When I have them, all they want is dad and to go to grandma's house. My oldest has behavioral issues with me that I have been told they aren't seeing over there nearly as much if at all. He throws massive tantrums when I tell him we are going to mom’s house or that he will see them later. Over there they have a family structure to lean on and I only have me. In the evenings, I am trying to balance making dinner and changing diapers and disciplining and baths all at the same time while they get to play outside and get one on one time over there. I'm jealous. I never wanted to be a single parent and this makes me feel even lonelier. I can't help but feel like my kids have a better life with their dad than they do when they are with me. More support, more structure, more than I can give them on my own.

I have already lost my marriage. Now I feel like I'm losing my motherhood too.

I think I screwed up.
And this may not be the right sub for this but I don’t know one better.

I am relatively newly separated. He moved out and I am staying in our formerly shared home. I have been trying to cope with the separation by working a lot on my house. Inside is easy enough but outside, not so much. I have lots of project ideas, things I’ve been wanting to do for a long time, that I’m realizing I don’t have the tools or skills to do on my own.

So I reached out to a neighbor. This neighbor was friends with my dad and used to live right next door when my husband and I moved into this house. I have known him since I was a kid. He’s my dad’s age. He always offered to help us with house/lawn maintenance as that is his day job. He and his wife divorced several years ago and sold their home beside us but he moved just a few houses down into his dad’s house so he is still a neighbor.

Anyway, I texted and asked him yesterday if he could give me a quote on some yard work when he has a chance. He offered to come right then, which worked out so I said sure. He came and I told him what I needed. First issue, I could smell he was drunk. He of course asked where my husband was. I told him we had separated and he had moved out. The conversation sort of turned after that. He was offering divorce advice etc. I kept redirecting to the yard stuff. It’s very specific what I need. He asked about mowing the yard and I told him my husband was still going to do it. He told me to tell him “not to come anymore” and that he would do it. I wasn’t a fan of that at all so I said I have a mower and just need to learn the zero turn and I’ll be able to do it myself so it’s temporary. He said he would teach me and I politely said no thank you. There is some trash around the house that needs to be hauled off that my husband was gonna do now that he has a truck and my neighbor said again my husband “doesn’t need to come out here” he would do it for me. Then he says he is “here for me for whatever I need. Anything at all. Day or night. Just a call away.” I kept swinging back to just this VERY SPECIFIC yard stuff I don’t have the means to do on my own. He agreed to do it totally for free. It was all just odd. Luckily, I had a hard stop at 7 to video chat my kids so I was able to cut the conversation short. He gave me a weird hug when I said I had to go. The whole thing definitely made me uncomfortable. I immediately regretted asking him to help.

Then tonight.. guess who I pass coming down the road from my house back towards his when I get home? We live on a dead in cul-de-sac road. I am in the cul-de-sac and he’s is down the street. So there is no reason to be up here randomly. He hasn’t come back up here luckily but it just makes me feel so weird.

I have no clue how to deal with this now. I’m not really a fan of him now knowing I live alone and has an “excuse” to come by. Has anyone else dealt with this kind of post-separation/divorce situation? Any ideas on how I handle this now?

How long did it take you to feel normal again? I am 6 weeks since he left me and I've been really struggling emotionally. I have always had bad anxiety but this is bumping me to a 10. Lately I had been doing decently starting to get out of the house, spending time with people, etc. But today was my first time since the separation that I ate lunch with my co-workers again (some know, some still don't) and I had to walk out because I started and still am feeling like I'm going to have an anxiety attack. I had a lot in the first few weeks, like several a day, but it's been over a week since my last now. Right now though it's bad. Like shaky, teary eyed, heart pounding ears ringing, bad... NOthing even triggered it. When does this stop?

Name something more embarrassing than your card declining at the register when trying to buy a $3 Red Bull. Thanks Verizon 🙃

This is month 0 of financial separation with my husband. We paid all the bills like normal at the beginning of the month and then split up all the accounts accordingly. Electric bill, internet, car insurance, phone plans.. even the shared streaming service accounts were closed. We took care of everything all at once. I get paid monthly so doing that ate up basically my entire check especially since some bills had to be paid twice to close out the joint and open up an individual account. He pays me weekly for the daycare bill and his health insurance premium that I’m still paying. So I have had to live off of that $120 a week insurance reimbursement until my finances are more stable. I’ve been stretching it the best I possibly can. However, Verizon decided to autopay my bill this morning instead of next week like I had thought we set up. And since I happened to get gas yesterday.. guess who will be trying to survive on -$17 in her bank account until this weekend 🫠 when did I discover this happened? At the register at Food Lion of course. Excuse me while I go call Verizon to figure out what the fuck.

I don’t know how to not love him. 

I don’t know how to not think about the blue of his eyes. 
Or the way he isn’t afraid of anything. 

I don’t know how to let go of the memory of how he’d randomly hug me in the kitchen. 
Or the sound of his laugh when he was in a good mood. 

My heart doesn’t know how to let go of it. 
But maybe I don’t have to. 

I can still love the color of his eyes every time our youngest looks at me. 
I can still love his bravery when I watch the kids explore the world. 

I can keep his random hugs when our oldest hugs my legs while I cook. 
And hear his laugh when our boys play together. 

I don’t think I will ever stop loving him. 
I can’t. 

And I won’t. 
Because I will always love him through them. 

I don’t know how to not love him. 

I don’t know how to not think about the blue of his eyes. 
Or the way he isn’t afraid of anything. 

I don’t know how to let go of the memory of how he’d randomly hug me in the kitchen. 
Or the sound of his laugh when he was in a good mood. 

My heart doesn’t know how to let go of it. 
But maybe I don’t have to. 

I can still love the color of his eyes every time our youngest looks at me. 
I can still love his bravery when I watch the kids explore the world. 

I can keep his random hugs when our oldest hugs my legs while I cook. 
And hear his laugh when our boys play together. 

I don’t think I will ever stop loving him. 
I can’t. 

And I won’t. 
Because I will always love him through them. 

My kids’ dad and I have been separated for six weeks now. It was his decision for us to separate despite my begging. The relationship between us has been a bit back-and-forth since he moved out and mostly cordial but I would say that I think we have done a pretty good job at coparenting so far.

We are 50/50 custody on a 2–2-3 schedule for our toddlers. One is almost 1.5 and the other is 3.5. At the beginning of this when we were discussing our custody agreement (which we/I drafted on my own and not through the court system. It is signed and notarized) we discussed, but did not include, having parent meetings about the kids where we touch base about them. He had suggested once a week, but I don’t think that frequently necessary at this age. No parent meeting has happened at all yet.

The problem is that now I think we do need to have one. Before he left me, the plan was to potty train our oldest when we had a long weekend for a Memorial Day. However, because that ended up being his first weekend with them, and with them just starting to transition into a two household life, it didn’t feel like a good time to do it. That has obviously been a month ago now. The kid is beyond ready to potty train. In fact, his daycare keeps getting on me about starting. Since he lives with his dad half the time I don’t think this is something I can just do and decide on my own. He is going to need consistency at both houses and daycare. My issue is that I have told their dad that we need to talk about potty training several times now and he keeps agreeing, but then just never has the time to sit down and discuss it. I feel like I’m stuck. I have been prepping for potty training our son for months now before my marriage ever fell apart. I don’t know what else to do. I brought it up again on Sunday and he said we could sit down soon but that’s still all I get: “soon”. I feel like if I bring it up again now it’s just going to be nagging and not lead to a productive conversation.

Any advice on how to get him to have this conversation with me? Potty training feels like it needs to be a team effort. Alternatively, if we just can’t collaborate and make a plan, any advice on if it’s even possible to start potty training at my house/daycare?

As an aside, I’ve also been asking him about moving out the rest of his things and that hasn’t happened either but at least that’s something where I can just start packing the stuff myself if I have to as frustrated as that makes me. But with this I just need him to find the time for sake of the kids.

He loves me.
He loves me not.

Does he love me?
He loves me not.

Did he ever love me?
He loves me not. 

Was any of it real?
He loves me not.

Is there something wrong with me?
He loves me not. 

Am I not worthy of love?
He loves me not.

Am I even capable of being loved?
He loves me not.

He loves me.
He loves me not.

Does he love me?
He loves me not.

Did he ever love me?
He loves me not. 

Was any of it real?
He loves me not.

Is there something wrong with me?
He loves me not. 

Am I not worthy of love?
He loves me not.

Am I even capable of being loved?
He loves me not.