u/JaggedLittlePiII

He’s Northern European and happily wears regular short sleeves in 17 degrees C. Next week it will be around 30, and he’s miserable and sweaty.

Pre-kids the solution was to stay inside with curtains closed and game. With a toddler to run after, he wants to go outside. What shirts & other clothes can you recommend that help making one feel cooler? There are tons that claim they can, but I would rather hear from lived experience.

My daughter is usually terrified of sound producing devices: vacuums, hair dryers, Vtech toys. But as it is currently nearing 30 degree Celsius in the UK (for local standards: unbearably hot), we need to use big portable AC units to keep this old house a bit cold. I was fearing a huge panic attack, with a wailing toddler screaming:”Turn it off! off! outside, outside!”

So as she approached the Doom Machine, I had a thought, and said:”Look! It is our new friend! Robot pinguïn! Robot pinguïn works very hard to give us cold air. He takes care of us. He is our friend.”, and I approached him to give him a hug.

Then I saw her shaking lower lip turn into a smile, as she said “Robot pinguïn!” She then stood before him; and delighted screamed “cold air! Pinguïn cold air!” And she proceeded to do a happy cold air dance for the next 7 minutes.

And while I did not get much done the rest of the day, this makes me feel that I still won a bit today.

Magick sold off her neck brace as some insurance scam, but I think it’s actually not. It’s a way to avoid the back room, for what man would want to get it on with a girl in a neck brace? Even if it is fake, just looking at it is probably enough of a turn off to pick another girl.

And sure, there might be the odd fetishist but those are rare and for them pretending it was real would be a thing and they hence would be gentle.

A completely sane financial reckoning by a woman who chose to procreate in Surrey

Let me walk you through the numbers and prove, once and for all, that parenthood is basically free.

School: £25,000/year

The average Surrey private school now runs about £8,000 per term — call it £24,000–£25,000 a year, and that’s before Keir Starmer’s exciting new 20% VAT surcharge on the audacity of not wanting your child educated in a Portakabin. If you’ve got Charterhouse ambitions, you’re looking at £36,500 for day fees.

But think of what you’re getting! Latin. A blazer. Looking down on state school educated plebs by age 9.

Nanny: £40,000–£50,000/year

A full-time nanny in Surrey will set you back £30,000–£45,000 gross, to which you then add employer’s National Insurance because HMRC would like its cut of your childcare despair, thank you very much. So call it £40,000–£50,000 all-in, depending on whether your nanny has a Norland degree or just the standard superhuman patience.

Daily Cleaner: £10,500/year

Children generate entropy at a rate that would trouble a physicist. You will need someone in the house seven days a week, two hours a day, at roughly £20/hour

Violin Tutor: £2,080/year

Because what is childhood without the screeching? A decent private violin teacher in Surrey runs about £40 per hour. Weekly lessons, fifty-two weeks a year (your tutor doesn’t get holidays; suffering is year-round), and you’re at £2,080. This buys you approximately eighteen months of sounds indistinguishable from a cat in a tumble dryer, followed by a brief window where they can play “Twinkle Twinkle” recognisably, followed by them announcing they want to play drums instead.

The Pony: £22,000/year

The pièce de résistance of Surrey parenting. The moment your child looks up at you with those enormous eyes and says “I want a pony,” you should hear what they’re actually saying, which is: “I would like you to take out a second mortgage on a creature that bites.”

Here is what a pony costs in Surrey:

•	Purchase price: £3,000–£5,000 (one-off, amortise it however makes you feel less ill)

•	Full livery: £1,200/month → £14,400/year (in Surrey, where even the horses expect heated stabling)

•	Farrier every six weeks: £100 a pop → £870/year (the pony needs new shoes more often than your wife, and yes I see the irony)

•	Vet bills, vaccinations, insurance, teeth, worming: £1,500/year minimum, before anything actually goes wrong

•	Feed supplements: £600/year (the pony has a more carefully curated diet than you do)

•	Riding lessons on top of owning the pony, because apparently owning one isn’t enough, you also need a professional to teach your child to sit on it: private lessons at £55/hour, weekly → £2,860/year

The pony will not love your child back. The pony doesn’t even know your child’s name. The pony knows two things: where the mints are and how to stand on your foot.