u/Kimm_Orwente

Last month I was in such a free fall, it's almost funny. Mostly in bitter, ironic way, but nonetheless. After realizing what will be a topic of this post, decided to bring it here as cautionary tale.

I'm not going to reiterate sob stories of my life. Neither I'm going to describe whatever happened in details, aside from context. Suffice to say, I know enough about how childhood traumas and neglect.

Around 4-5 years ago or so, I managed to turn my inner state around drastically - I found enough peace, and the universe for once started to make sense. Old problems stopped to matter, my mental state improved drastically, and I started to not just notice but also use the joys of life. For the context, it all came along with realization that it's not that I suddenly discovered "new man" in own head, it's just the layers that were there, long buried and neglected to the point of not knowing about them, become accessible.

Most of all, I clinged to that "dad energy" that I found inside - a mentor, a caregiver, an experienced peer, and an older brother, considering I've seen enough through life to tell tales and interpret people's feelings. Caring for people is quite a drug, which allows not just to keep one's self-esteem, but also introduce something that other people lack in their lives. There is no redemption for own wrongdoings, let alone in serving others, so I had my own standards and understanding about "who to care about", which allowed to not spread oneself thin and prioritize things through life. Lastly, caring about problems of others allowed to get pieces and glimpses of understanding - what am I and why am I doing what I'm doing.

Skipping those 4 years to this day, I've realized a funny thing. All the "foster children" of mine drifted away, once they found enough of resolve to live on their own. My parental family always was a trainwreck, with mother inadvertently being a family control demon, my older brother is too apathetic to care about anything outside of his immediate surroundings, and his wife quietly afraid of me for reasons of "being too dark and serious" (or more like seeing through her hypocrisy, so knowing that, she's pushing me away for the sake of safety of her own position in life). No family of my own after a divorce time ago, few of actual friends being busy with their lives, and plentitude of acquaintances who are usually not caring enough to talk in any non-superficial ways.

Took one quite bad month of unrelated events to finally realize the obvious - it's not that I "reinvented" myself. Yes, all those edges and layers of personality were true, but in the end, instead of being something of my own, I just reassembled a caricature of my mother, who exerts control over people under premise of "good intentions", and breaks apart when there's no one around or people push her away. I know her well enough to know the danger of control in this regard, so can behave myself. But well, if one clings to this idea of "care", then it inevitably falls apart once no one is around to care for. I've lost a friend recently to combination of her fears and my stupidity over miscommunication, and getting truly alone made me realize as much.

So, in the end, I thought I invented a way to live a life for myself, away from family traumas. Turns out, I just rediscovered the same family trauma from new angle, almost making it generational. Guess have to thank gods for still not having children.

Frankly, I'm at loss in the moment. Of course, this will pass over time, just as everything else, but.. oh well. Does not feels particularly good, neither as a position of grand circle of life, nor as general realization. Moral of the story - don't keep all your self-esteem eggs in the single basket, even if you think this basket is sturdy enough, as "life will find a way" always works both ways.