Please have understanding and give your honest opinions and advice, do I still have any chance? (Very long)
Assalamu alaikum. So this is a long story with someone that I stopped having feelings for and started having them again. This is very complex so this will be a long post, I will try my best to not leave any context remaining. I have been told time and time again by people to move on, but at those times I didn't provide the entire context. I'm a revert (male). I want to talk about my relationship with this girl over time before and after.
My first impressions with this person was in September of 2024 when we both entered the same school, I wasn't Muslim at the time. Our first impressions were awkward as I was around the people from her class but she was very shy, so we would find ourselves in situations where I was next to her but she had no idea who I was. Time moved on until I was always seeing her. Then in December 2024, school had ended for a time and I was stock thinking about her, the day after I realized that I had realized that I started having feelings for her.
At this time I was so ignorant I didn't even know that Muslims couldn't date, so I wanted to try to do something to her and thankfully nothing happened between us in this period that I had such bad intentions.
After some time of acting horribly with her, in early 2025 I finally learned that she couldn't date and that only marriage is permissible, without learning that Muslim women can only marry Muslim men, I would learn that later after I started wanting to revert. The next time I saw her I tried my absolute best to respect her and didn't even dare going next to her.
In the middle of Ramadan 2025, a few weeks after I stopped wanting to be in a haram-relationship with her out of respect. I started learning more about Islam and its proofs, and would consider reverting some time later.
Now between April and May 2025 I had a good interactions with her, without mentioning that I was considering her Religion. I would talk to her and her friend and she would tease me, I had abandoned all intentions of being with her at this time. Then I would revert on May of 2025, a year ago, without telling her and keeping some of the friendly interactions.
But it was in June which I started having problems with her, she had acted a little bit disrespectful to me and I didn't appreciate it, I would like to recall what exactly she did, but it was almost a year ago, so I can't really explain. I would stop liking her in that same month.
Between June and September I would completely forget about her and whenever someone would mention here to me, I would just say no and say that I was not interested in talking about her. I didn't care at all about her at this time and would just focus on my Deen and my personal-life to distract myself from her and the temptation of being in a pre-marital relationship like anyone else in my age.
But in early September when school was almost starting again I had imagined everything that happened between us and how would the next year be with her. Some time later, I had learned that she was entering my class this year. Upon I heard that information I was so scared and I thought that I would fall in love with her again and have to deal with the frustration of liking someone but not being able to be with them (which already happened to me during the summer with some non-Muslim girl which happily was short and nothing really happened), or me going after her to like "be friends" and getting emotionally-attached with her (which as you will see did happen and I was right). After that day in which I heard that information I started making Dua every day for it to be a mistake and not actually true.
When school started and I was in fact in the same class as her I was so nervous about what would happen with her, so I stayed away as much as possible. As soon as the first and second day of school, there was a guy who belonged to her class last year who also entered our class. He had heard that I had feelings for her and would already start joking about it with my classmates. The on those days they would look at me whenever her name was mentioned, I tried my best to have no reaction at all. That was until the second week, which she would already talk to me because of a problem of knowing where was the class. When she spoke to me Wallah I was shocked that she would just interact with me after all that time and ending the last year with a negative view of her and her not respecting me fully, I told her where I thought it was and we found it.
I would also try my best to sit away from her, until late October I would sit away from her or sit in front of her when I needed to sit close to her, so that I wouldn't need to look at her. But some teachers made me sit next to her, I tried my best to pretend that I had no previous history with her. That guy who knew I had feelings for her last year was played in class again when I was sitting next to her. It was also around this time that she found out about my reversion from months ago, thankfully she was very respectable with it. I would actually liked to see how would things be with her rn it just continued this way.
For more than 1 month this was my behavior towards her, no interactions absolute modesty. This was until late October, after I thought about the fact that we aren't that far away from being adults and me actually being able to be with her, I had started having feelings for her again and I was shocked, I actually I couldn't believe it. From that day where I found out how my feelings for her actually came back, I had made a decision. I wanted to grow older to be together with her one day, that was what I wanted.
Later in November she was nervous around her, and because of it she eventually learned that I had feelings for her one day. Her reaction at first was happy, she teased me, she was smiling and looking at me for the rest of that day. But in the second day she was nervous and thought that I would maybe want to be in a haram-relationship with her. So she sit in the opposite side of the class to where I was sitting. Despite me being nervous with her acting this way I now actually applaud her for having acted that way at that time where she didn't know my intentions.
Tensions decreased and she was later more calm towards me. Her opinion of me went up and down. Until there was a yearly school-project in December where the teacher would put write our names in papers, and whoever would get the paper of that person, could give them a gift. And out of pure coincidence I got her. Upon receiving her name I was a little bit more happy, maybe I could improve her opinion of me and she would see me as someone that she could trust. After I searched a bit I came to the conclusion that if I was careful I could give her the gift. After I gave her the gift I was really happy. She had texted me thanking me for it and I felt appreciated by her, I would go on to be very happy for the rest of 2025.
After school had started again she was very happy with me. We would be happy with each other and have no problems at this time. But because of some times that she was uncomfortable with me before I gave her that gift, I was nervous if I was making her feel like that again and therefore nullifying the connection that I grew with her over this time. So I just texted her asking if I was annoying her, she said no and that everything was fine. Later she would tease me about me accidentally annoying her. She would be happy to play with me like that.
But in the next weeks I would see here act as if I didn't matter to her, she had called me a simp just to ridicule the idea of us being together, she annoyed me with something, and then when I tried to do something with her just to interact she would ignore me. At the time this frustrated me. I would go on to be careless on how I would behave myself and talk about her. One day I spoke about her with a non-Muslim friend. After some time where we talked about her, he convinced me to send a haram text to her saying that she's pretty and that I like her clothes. Because at this time I was being very foolish and didn't pay attention at all what I did before Allah and if I displeased Him, and just cared about "strengthening the connection with her before doing something more formal", I went ahead and sent her that. It also didn't help that at the time because of something that was happening between 2 people a boy and a girl where one was throwing paper at her and she actually liked it, I decided to carelessly also try to do this to her as if this was permissible or if she would actually like it. After some time of it and me joking about it with her she eventually blocked me. The day after she told the teacher what I was doing and it was only on that day where I realized that how bad and annoying I was being to her. The day after she would change her seats to sit far away from me, I would regret it so much at the time. And this was what happened in late January.
In February I tried apologizing through her friend saying that I regret it and wouldn't do it again. She didn't take it seriously and would keep not trusting me. It also made it worse that because of extreme situations that were happening with my family later during Ramadan. I would try to approach her requesting help as she is the only Muslim I know about of my school, I tried to explain that this was because of Ramadan because my parents didn't let me fast but she would just run away thinking that I was doing it because I liked her. Anyway that itself is a very long story so I'm not going to talk about it.
After I stopped asking for any help and would just focus on giving her space. After a month it was late March and she was better and "liked me as a friend". After that time passed and there was this one week where she was comfortable with me. She would be absolutely fine with me and unblocked me. Until it would end because she said that she was scared because I looked at her 1 or 2 times.
Fast forward to know she is still uncomfortable with me. It hasn't helped that she only found out about my reversion at the time where she found out that I liked her. To elaborate about it she does takfir of me for liking her and having reverted. She said for example in Ramadan that I fasted because of her.
All of these problems with her ever since late January have been so bad. I have recently found myself infatuated and emotionally-attached with this person as I regularly cry because of her and get jealous when she talks to other people happy while with me she has been uncomfortable with me for so long. Now that I looked back I regret having listened to the Sheikh that said that to "crush the crush". I would have at least not tried to have this "connection" with her and instead tried to approach her Wali in some way.
I wish to continue in her class next year to maybe she goes back to being fine with me.
What are your suggestions for what to do now, should I cut myself completely off from her? Should I give up? Please I ask for understanding and advice.