u/Overthinks_All

I’m probably a trans man, but I wanted to ask this question to be able to understand myself better and differentiate between regular cisgender woman frustration with my body and dysphoria.

Basically, do you ever:
- Avoid looking at your chest or nether region
- Feel immense frustration that you can’t just walk around shirtless
- Feel immense frustration about the inconvenience of a period and fucking BLEEDING THROUGH SHIT AUGH

Because ngl I feel like the first one is def more gender dysphoria, but the second two I feel like cisgender women would feel, yk? Because it’s literally just inconvenient to be a woman in a lot of ways XD. But if I ain’t one then I can’t really speak on your experiences so that’s why I’m asking

I feel like a lot of the descriptions of dysphoria that I see are describing a deep-seated pain or urge to rip shit off or depersonalization/not recognizing the person in the mirror. Tbh, I haven’t really experienced that I feel. The closest I can think of is this one time when I was a kid, my mom took me to get my nails done, and this was when I first started chronically daydreaming as a dude and basically I was about to get in the shower while daydreaming as a dude but when I saw the nails in the mirror it took me out of it. And I just felt this sorta rage and wrongness so I went ahead and frantically picked all the polish off.

And idk if it’s my coping mechanisms or what but ever since then I feel like I’ve never really felt that. Or at least, not so deeply. Until my egg cracked, didn’t have a problem with my chest at all. It’s about as flat as like a 12 year old girl ngl but still boob shaped, and when I was in middle school I was a little insecure about that (you know how middle school is) but not really after that. But yeah, before I realized I was trans, I would inspect them from the mindset of like “I wonder if someone would find this attractive and if there’s anything I can do to improve that” and now I either feel nothing bout it, try to picture myself with top surgery for the fun of it, or most of the time just avoid looking at em.

That’s the deal with my dysphoria (I think?) post egg-crack: When I look at certain parts of my body or have the option to present femininely, it’s just “Nope.” Like, oh I see my chest in the mirror? Nope, look away. Dressing fem? Nope, why the hell would I do that. But then before I came out to my parents, I would have to wear a dress to church and it was FINE. Like, maybe not what I would choose for myself, but I didn’t feel no typa way about it. But then again, I would introduce myself to other churchgoers as my parents’ “kid” not daughter because I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Or like, telling someone my pronouns. Before I came out but after my egg cracked, it was “nope can’t do it” with that so I just told people they could just call me whatever XDD.

Also, I’m currently bleeding and it’s one of those things where I’m like “Is this dysphoria or is this how cis women feel about it?” cuz who the fuck likes their period anyway? But my feelings basically just amount to immense frustration about the inconvenience of it lmao. Oh yeah, and that reminds me: I spend most of my time in my room shirtless and it annoys the FUCK out of me that I can’t just walk into my living shirtless because we keep the windows open (yay, natural light!) and I have a roommate. But like, I feel like cis women might feel that way too??? Idk, imma go ask the r// women subreddit after this.

And yeah, I know that you don’t need dysphoria to be trans, but it is a required diagnosis to get T and really I just wanna understand myself and my experiences more accurately. Idek if this IS dysphoria honestly.

Because baking is basically chemistry and chemistry is basically sorcery

If this is not a thing, I strongly encourage someone who can actually bake to do this. I burn pop tarts. This is not my circus or monkeys but I would love to attend

EDIT: u/glycophosphate said it should be alchemy and I 100% agree. Huzzah for subfields of wizardry!!

OH WAITTT BUT I CAN’T FORGET

ALL MY SUPPORTIVE FRIENDS ARE ENTERING THE RING, GETTING THEIR ASSES OFF THE BENCH, AND NOW WE ARE WINNING

uh *does math*

11+ to three!! After telling a certain cousin, probably 11+ to four, but ayyy still winninggg

I just got off a call with my parents, and they’re still very much in the grief stage. I mean, obviously, since it’s been like two days haha.

Anywho, my mom said on the call that it’s especially hard because Lee, my chosen name, is the middle name of my dead uncle. He died three years after killing himself. My mom grew up in a really abusive household and basically raised her little brother until he was shipped off to his grandparents, and then he died. So she basically had to lose him twice.

She didn’t ask me to change it, just said that she wanted to tell me to explain why my new name will be especially hard to get used to. My parents haven’t been supportive of this at all, and sometimes they border/cross the line into emotional abuse, but…I feel really bad for this one. I genuinely feel like it wasn’t guilt tripping, just a very vulnerable admission. We were just talking about me changing my social media and also about telling the rest of my family and then she started crying…she said she had been crying all day…and then she told me this.

Should I change my name? I told all my friends and also my coworkers my name is now Lee last week, and the selfish part of me is like “Crap, changing it AGAIN would be so awkward and idek what name i would do” but like, I feel bad for causing my mom unnecessary pain. This is hard enough already for everyone.

But yeah, what’s your opinion as supportive parents?

Frankly, I wouldn’t have been good at sports even if I was socialized as a dude. I’m CRAZY uncoordinated.

But have you guys ever felt like such a fraud doing “guy stuff” with cisgender dudes? Like, we were out here throwing a football around, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m pre-T, skinny, and SHORT (5 ft tall). I just felt so outta my league. And you know, I wish I could be one of the boys. I wish that my dad would’ve taught me how to catch and throw.

Maybe one day it’ll feel better when I actually look like a guy my age, and I can just chalk it up to clumsiness. I just feel like I missed out on so much and now like, I don’t know how to be a dude. Like, I’m WAY better at being a girl even if it felt like shit because that’s all I ever knew. I just wish I didn’t feel so awkward. Like, isn’t it supposed to be easier to socialize with dudes if you ARE a dude? idk

Have yall felt this way?

And so is his girlfriend!!!

If you’ve seen my post history, you’d know that LITERALLY NO ONE ELSE IN MY FAMILY IS SUPPORTIVE. I have never experienced such joy in my whole life. This is awesome!!!!

I came out to them as ftm and I knew it was gonna be a huge shock for them but they are so, so angry. They’re pissed at me the same way they would be pissed at someone who shot me.

They say, “I don’t know Lee, I raised a Malia”

They’re probably gonna cut me off.

They’re angry that I didn’t tell them earlier, that I dropped this like a bomb. They’re angry that I’m scared to tell them things in general, because it’s up to chance whether they respond supportive or angry. They say I’m making up things in my head to make them seem worse than they are. They have always said I villainize them.

I came out to them and they were angry for what I was doing to their family. They never once empathized with how hard this was for ME. I told them, “I know this is a big shock. I know you feel confused and scared, I did too when I realized. That’s okay, I love you and I don’t want to lose you.” I tried to be empathetic with them and I’m getting nothing back.

Apparently, my message was condescending to them. Apparently, I was being disrespectful. Apparently, I was telling them to get over it when all I said was “I hope you don’t feel like you’re losing a daughter as much as you are learning something important about your son.”

I just don’t know what to do when they feel as if I just shot and killed their daughter. I know they had plans for me, an idea of me, that they have to grieve. I get that. I just don’t know what to do. I’m not a criminal and I didn’t kill anyone and me as a person is not defined by my gender. How am I so defined by girlhood that losing that feels like losing the rest of me to them? How can I reassure them that I’m still here when all they feel is angry, just like the parents of Ted Bundy’s victims were angry with HIM?

I just don’t know what to do

I came out to them as ftm and I knew it was gonna be a huge shock for them but they are so, so angry. They’re pissed at me the same way they would be pissed at someone who shot me.

They say, “I don’t know Lee, I raised a Malia”

They’re probably gonna cut me off.

They’re angry that I didn’t tell them earlier, that I dropped this like a bomb. They’re angry that I’m scared to tell them things in general, because it’s up to chance whether they respond supportive or angry. They say I’m making up things in my head to make them seem worse than they are. They have always said I villainize them.

I came out to them and they were angry for what I was doing to their family. They never once empathized with how hard this was for ME. I told them, “I know this is a big shock. I know you feel confused and scared, I did too when I realized. That’s okay, I love you and I don’t want to lose you.” I tried to be empathetic with them and I’m getting nothing back.

Apparently, my message was condescending to them. Apparently, I was being disrespectful. Apparently, I was telling them to get over it when all I said was “I hope you don’t feel like you’re losing a daughter as much as you are learning something important about your son.”

I just don’t know what to do when they feel as if I just shot and killed their daughter. I know they had plans for me, an idea of me, that they have to grieve. I get that. I just don’t know what to do. I’m not a criminal and I didn’t kill anyone and me as a person is not defined by my gender. How am I so defined by girlhood that losing that feels like losing the rest of me to them? How can I reassure them that I’m still here when all they feel is angry, just like the parents of Ted Bundy’s victims were angry with HIM?

I just don’t know what to do

Sent a long text, my mom said:

“Ok not sure what to say. Disappointed this happened in a text. Guess we can chat later”

In response to my text, which said:

“I love you both so much and I wanted to share something about myself that I feel you ought to know.

I’m transgender. I’m a guy. I know this may come as a surprise, but really, I’m just a good actor. Frankly, I’m barely present most days. I’ve been constantly daydreaming of being a dude since middle school, at the latest. It’s kinda hard to pinpoint exactly when it started. Anywho, that’s how I cope. If you ever overheard me talking to myself, alone in my room, that’s what I was doing.

I really thought that would be enough, you know? I figured I could survive this way for a long time. And I did! 18 years is a pretty long time. But it’s getting harder and harder to keep going this way.

I figure you might feel shocked, scared, confused. I get it. Honestly, that’s how I felt when I was realizing all of this about myself—all the things you are probably feeling right now. I just hope you don’t feel like you’re losing a daughter as much as you are learning something important about your son. This sure is a big change but I just want you to know that I love you so so much and I hope that I don’t have to lose my family over this. That’s my worst fear, honestly.

Mom, I haven’t forgotten what you said to me this morning. Heavenly Father told you I needed to look inward instead of trying to be something I’m not, and this is me looking inward. I thought it was gonna go away, I really thought it would. I spent 18 years trying to be something I’m not, and I know it may not seem like it to you, but this is me being who I am. If God made me this way, born a girl but a boy inside, who am I to say that He made a mistake? After our conversation, I prayed a lot. I wanted to make sure that this was the right thing for me to do, and I truly believe it is.

Anywho, I love you, and if you have any questions at all (and I’m sure you do!) then I am happy to answer them! This will take some time to get used to, I’m sure, but that’s okay :)

❤️ Lee (that’s my new name, I’d appreciate if you could use it but I understand that’s a challenge at first)”

And so in response to THEIR text, the one at the top, I said:

“It’s okay! Yeah I sent this in a text because I feel I can express what I’m trying to say better in writing

When I talk I just freeze up and stumble

For sure we can talk later though!”