u/Particular-Account66

For years I've struggled with my identity when it comes to gender. I think im a trans girl or genderfluid. Ive been talking to my therapist about this. She's really helped. She asked me what pronouns to call me and if I'd prefer a different name. I really didn't know what to say.

I feel really nervous about my gender identity. The current political climate in the US worries me (especially as someone in a red state). The president has essentially said he'll kill trans people. I also worry that my friends and family will see me different. Im also kinda masculine so idk if ill ever pass. That sucks.

How do I find a correct name, pronouns, style, etc? Im really confused. Im young (16) so I guess I have time but I want to get a better understanding of me now.

It was really scarry opening up today. I felt so nervous. My therapist is really supportive but I kinda feel stupid for these thoughts.

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I have a really have been struggling with gender for years. I've kinda told her before but I emailed her about it. She's completely supportive. More so than I am.

Im really thankful!! I hope some day I won't hate being this way.

I usually dress the same way all the time. A t shirt, flannel, and jeans. Sometimes I wear shorts or a button up but thats about it. I have a battle jacket that ive been working on for a while.

Im a huge metalhead and want my fashion to reflect that. I want to dye my hair red and black but idk if i can afford to. Same with like piercings and stuff. I dont have many shirts for my favorite bands (mostly just mainstream bands).

I thought about some form of makeup but i know that's seen as corny and weird and I dont think my mother would let me (im a 16 year old male).

Im just kind of nothing. I am a mostly convient person. In that, I act how others want me to. Someone wants me to be sarcastic and witty? Ok. Someone wants me to be motivational or whatever? I can do that too. I have skills, mostly in the communication arts. Im a very strong writer, at least in a school environment. I can play guitar, not very well, but still technically can.

Other than that im kind of nothing. Like yeah I can write, but im not very well read. I can play guitar, but only a very specific style. I can do stuff but not well. Im very bellow average despite being told how smart and creative I am. I could maybe see myself writing a book or news article, but I just flat out don't want to. It doesnt interest me. There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said before.

I enjoy my writing and music but don't put it out there very much because I know its not the best there ever was. For my stupid hick town I look like Einstein but to the average intelligent person, I look like a stupid hick. There's nothing that I provide to this world.

Im just nothing. It really sucks because im told I have all of this potential but I just never do anything with it. Im too scared to fail so I dont start. I want to be a great artist but do the things that would make me one. Im not disciplined (despite my efforts to be so). I work on my own time and never actually make much progress. For every one good thing about me, there's a million bad things.

I dont have anything to point to as me. But I'm also not a diverse person. Its not like there's so many parts of me that I cant tell who I am or whatever. Im just lame. I listen to metal, but not enough to be a metalhead. I make music, but not well enough to be a musician. This is my biggest struggle. Its like I'm too autistic to be normal but too normal to be autistic. Im both too much and not enough all the time.

Its really painful to accept that I am the most basic, boring, and bland stereotype of someone I could be. Im not interesting or unique or whatever else beyond how snarky and pretentious I am. People aren't surprised by my skills like I want them to be so badly. People exactly what they expect of me. I want to be a savant not just average. I just am not capable of that.

For context I'm 16, so I know I'll hear the "you're so young, you can do anything with your life" bs. But thats simply not true. Even if it were, its not impressive for a 30 year old to be great at something they've spent a lot of time on. But it is impressive for someone my age. Id be interesting if I were good at something.

I want to be proud of some of my accomplishments. I got into a college already, but its a technical community college that anyone can get into. Ive recorded several albums, but they are not at all good. Ive written so much but it says nothing.

I just so desperately want everyone to be gawk at me and be so proud of me because my dad left me when I was little. Now my whole life is a woe is me story of feeling insignificant and trying to get people to love me. Im horribly egotistical because of my hatred for myself, spurred on by my father's abandonment.

Im just kind of nothing. I am a mostly convient person. In that, I act how others want me to. Someone wants me to be sarcastic and witty? Ok. Someone wants me to be motivational or whatever? I can do that too. I have skills, mostly in the communication arts. Im a very strong writer, at least in a school environment. I can play guitar, not very well, but still technically can.

Other than that im kind of nothing. Like yeah I can write, but im not very well read. I can play guitar, but only a very specific style. I can do stuff but not well. Im very bellow average despite being told how smart and creative I am. I could maybe see myself writing a book or news article, but I just flat out don't want to. It doesnt interest me. There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said before.

I enjoy my writing and music but don't put it out there very much because I know its not the best there ever was. For my stupid hick town I look like Einstein but to the average intelligent person, I look like a stupid hick. There's nothing that I provide to this world.

Im just nothing. It really sucks because im told I have all of this potential but I just never do anything with it. Im too scared to fail so I dont start. I want to be a great artist but do the things that would make me one. Im not disciplined (despite my efforts to be so). I work on my own time and never actually make much progress. For every one good thing about me, there's a million bad things.

I dont have anything to point to as me. But I'm also not a diverse person. Its not like there's so many parts of me that I cant tell who I am or whatever. Im just lame. I listen to metal, but not enough to be a metalhead. I make music, but not well enough to be a musician. This is my biggest struggle. Its like I'm too autistic to be normal but too normal to be autistic. Im both too much and not enough all the time.

Its really painful to accept that I am the most basic, boring, and bland stereotype of someone I could be. Im not interesting or unique or whatever else beyond how snarky and pretentious I am. People aren't surprised by my skills like I want them to be so badly. People exactly what they expect of me. I want to be a savant not just average. I just am not capable of that.

For context I'm 16, so I know I'll hear the "you're so young, you can do anything with your life" bs. But thats simply not true. Even if it were, its not impressive for a 30 year old to be great at something they've spent a lot of time on. But it is impressive for someone my age. Id be interesting if I were good at something.

I want to be proud of some of my accomplishments. I got into a college already, but its a technical community college that anyone can get into. Ive recorded several albums, but they are not at all good. Ive written so much but it says nothing.

I just so desperately want everyone to be gawk at me and be so proud of me because my dad left me when I was little. Now my whole life is a woe is me story of feeling insignificant and trying to get people to love me. Im horribly egotistical because of my hatred for myself, spurred on by my father's abandonment.

I got into a relationship fairly recently with someone I've been friends with for a long time. I obviously trust and love him but I feel so nervous around him. Like I really want to be around him but when i am i feel scared. Everytime we hug or kiss i feel scared. I think this stems from problems in my only previous relationship and also a preexisting fear of abandonment.

I feel so weird when we hang out. It scares me. I want to be affectionate and stuff but I start having anxiety attacks when we cuddle or hug or anything.

Is this normal? Is it something that can be fixed? I really want to be good for him but i feel so scared.

Ive been looking around for shows and other than a suffocation show (which i would love to see but might be too expensive) I haven't found much. I dont know if im not tapped in enough or what.

That one thing is writing. I score incredibly high on English tests, have been told by tons of people that I'm great at writing, so on and so forth. But it bores me. I'm not really creating anything. Sometimes I like writing but I feel very little interest in it.

What am interested in is music and im fucking awful at creating it my project has a few fans (like 4) but according to almost every one, I'm terrible at it. Its the only thing I care about and work on my craft all the time. I'm constantly writing and recording and just playing but I've marginally gotten better. I can play guitar some what well, I can sort of sing. I'm terrible at drums and bass. I cant mix or produce nor do I have the means to.

I've put out an album and a bunch of demos and aside from the guitar, they are shit. I'm shit. Some days I just want to snap my fucking neck.

I try to make music because I love music. Its my favorite thing. I made a cover of Wait and Bleed by Slipknot and I was proud of it. I posted it to YouTube and the only feedback I've gotten is that it's the worst Slipknot cover ever recorded. I've recorded original music and gotten better feedback, however very few people have heard my music.

This leads me to wonder if im even supposed to make music. I feel like the stuff I make is good enough, but no one else does. It feels like I'm just not supposed to create. I rush everything and its never good enough. I can never work consistently on a project, I instead get bursts of energy. For example, my album was written and recorded in about two months (maybe more) but i didn't spend that full time making it. I would record a song or two in a day, not do anything for a week, then record another few songs. Ive never understood how to consistently work towards something.

I dont have what im supposed to as an artist. I have drive and passion, but I just cant work overtime. I have to get an idea done as soon as I get it.

I wonder if I would be happier not making art. Maybe im supposed to just appreciate other people's art at a distance. It makes me sad to think this, but it feels logical.

I try to make music because I love music. Its my favorite thing. I made a cover of Wait and Bleed by Slipknot and I was proud of it. I posted it to YouTube and the only feedback I've gotten is that it's the worst Slipknot cover ever recorded. I've recorded original music and gotten better feedback, however very few people have heard my music.

This leads me to wonder if im even supposed to make music. I feel like the stuff I make is good enough, but no one else does. It feels like I'm just not supposed to create. I rush everything and its never good enough. I can never work consistently on a project, I instead get bursts of energy. For example, my album was written and recorded in about two months (maybe more) but i didn't spend that full time making it. I would record a song or two in a day, not do anything for a week, then record another few songs. Ive never understood how to consistently work towards something.

I dont have what im supposed to as an artist. I have drive and passion, but I just cant work overtime. I have to get an idea done as soon as I get it.

I wonder if I would be happier not making art. Maybe im supposed to just appreciate other people's art at a distance. It makes me sad to think this, but it feels logical.

This is sort of an update post to me asking if I should listen to the newer albums. I still haven't finished .5 (i really dont care to).

I found We Are Bo Your Kind to be solid, but weaker than most of what I've heard from the band. I dont personally get the hype for it, but it was still cool.

I really enjoyed The End So Far. Songs like The Dying Song, H377, Chapeltown Rag, and Medicine for the Dead were absolute bangers that felt closer to older slipknot. However the first and last song were both really weak.

Overall WANYK was like a 7/10 and TESF was a 7.5-8/10. Im glad I checked them out despite my reservations about the departure of Joey and Chris and Paul (although Paul is a very different case).

I'll start this with what I know of myself. I am bisexual, genderfluid, autistic, metalhead, I play guitar in a one man metal band, I sing, write, and draw, im a strong writer (most of the time), is enjoy comic books, im in a loving relationship, and I have close friends.

Beyond that, I am a mystery. I dont know who I am. I cant tell what I want compared to what others want for me. I've become so good at masking that I no longer know who I am. Ive been masking for about as long as I can remember. Part of me wonders if I ever developed any sense of self ever. I've spent much of my time acting in ways that either make people like me or don't hurt me when others don't like me. For example, I exaggerate my humor which either makes people think im funny, or allows them to write me off without ever hurting the real me. What real me?

I often hide what I really care about as I have no one else who cares about it. I have a friend who likes metal, but hates my favorite bands. The rest of my friends aren't into metal or music. That sucks. Im forced to exclusively talk about what my friends like (we have some common interests which is nice) or general stuff (school, make jokes, etc). Im very thankful that I even have friends, but it does suck that I cant really express my interests to others.

I have put a large amount of my identity into what I like. Im unable to separate who I am from what I am interested in. I see myself as a metalhead which leads me to feel guilty for liking metal bands that metalheads hate like Slipknot, Korn, Metallica, Acid Bath, and Linkin Park. I legitimately cannot think outside of my interests. I have a constant identity crisis because I have nothing that is solid surrounding me. Even my gender is constantly changing. This is difficult as part of being autistic is liking things consistent. At least for me.

When I look in the mirror I just see nothing. Im nobody. I take no pride in my identity as I have no identity. Is there a way to fix this? I've been on anxiety/depression meds for years and im in therapy. I have tried to write down my traits but that does nothing. I don't know who I am but want to be myself.

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I always try to make sure people like me but at best im a joke to most people. I have some people that I trust and that like me. I have a few close friends, some friends who aren't as close, a boyfriend, but most of the people who seem to get me are teachers. I feel more comfortable talking to teachers than peers. They seem to understand that i really am smart and not just weird.

But my peers don't like me. They treat like a freak. Sure I can act kinda weird and make out of pocket jokes but even when I act normal and don't make dumb jokes, people still don't want to be around me.

I joined an honors level English class after years of struggling to get into one. I mostly love it. Its super overwhelming but I knew that going in. My best friend is in that class but he doesn't talk to me much. I talked to his friends for a couple months and I thought they liked me. My teacher and my friend said they did. But for the last month they haven't tried talking to me, deliberately moved seats away from me. I sat at their lunch table for a couple weeks, but they started moving away from that table so I just left. Now they seem happier.

I have never been good at making connections with people. I started resorting to acting dumb to make people laugh, but it also makes it impossible to connect with people. But again, even when I don't do anything weird, I'm still rejected. Rejection and abandonment are my too biggest fear because my dad left when I was young, so I either reject other people or make them reject me before they can hurt me.

I want more than anything to have people love me but they never seem to. What is broken in me and how do I fix it?