u/Regular-Meringue9765

SORRY this is long but I just need any advice at all for my young sister's first baby

* asking for my young first time mother sister. Please let me know if this isn't allowed, I don't want to overstep!!*

* please share any tips or suggestions and advice that could help her avoid difficulties you might have encountered *

I'm very concerned that she is just going along with it without much thought. She is way past the point of having an abortion and didn't want it when I tried to get her to think about it.

Her boyfriend and baby daddy had physically abused her in the past
She still lives with our mum and sisters
She doesn't have GCSEs
She hasn't even started going clubbing or doing any young adult things yet
She hasn't even had a long term job. Currently she's a cleaner but nothing concrete to fall back on at any point
She doesn't really take the care to understand what doctors are saying when they explain a complication she is currently having. No urgency and no keenness to write it down and google later
She has always been pretty naughty and uncontrollable growing up so i wonder how the pressures of motherhood, living away from home for the first time and potentially with an abusive partner will work.
Apart from what she earned from cleaning this last month, she has no income, nevermind steady income
Her boyfriend is a diagnosed psychotic/schizophrenic
She smoked cigarettes at the beginning of the pregnancy and had to be repeatedly reminded to cut it out
She never stopped vaping though
She seems to struggle with possible dyslexia or some other learning or processing issues. I have to really simplify some things I say - doing paperwork is not something she will do on her own as a mother (at least not now, idk if this will change with some effort)

I mention the last point because I'm thinking about how she will support a child through school or any learning, not to mention registering for school and other paperwork

Naturally social services are working with her to ensure safety but I'm so worried that she will not be able to handle it. She made this decision so so young and might get too overwhelmed and slip in to bad habits (she used to have a problem with balloons/laughing gas(?). My mother is claiming she will be there for her and expressed her support to not abort. That is what solidified her decision to keep it up which doesn't feel right. My mum is also someone who parentified me and even still does now despite me being late 20s and living on my own. She is always working too. Idk what support she promised but it will be limited since my mum used to lean on me heavily for these things when she was an unsupported mother with small children.

There is so much meshed in to this that I have a preemptive feeling of what she might be feeling. Her lack of proactive interest in her baby's exact condition struck me. My heart breaks because I'm thinking of the worst.

What would you recommend to someone in her position? She is about 6 weeks away from giving birth if all goes well.

I want to equip her with as many nuggets of advice so that they stick in her mind and give her some guidance. I don't have children but I raised my sisters with my mum so I full well know the toll this can take so I'm just scared she isn't grasping the gravity of having a baby.

You ladies probably have a lot to share I'm sure so please feel free to comment or message me! Hopefully she can avoid some mistakes.
I wonder whether there are any government childcare/parenting classes she could even take just to polish up on her confidence? Honestly anything will help

I'm sorry this is so damn long, thank you for reading ❤️

I really can't afford to lose money and I need a vendor or website for adhd meds that are not cut with anything and will actually arrive. I have a typically long wait before I can get assessed so I need some assistance in the meantime

I was taught obedience, babysitting, calling police and giving statements, doing adult paperwork, attending meetings and appointments as a translator for my parents, anxiously existing in the house as quietly and far away as possible so that I don't set them off for the tiniest reason.

I have turned out to be in my late 20s and unemployed, trying to overcome childhood and now adult trauma too, not sure how to move forward to establish my life.

I find myself feeling so sad, triggered or tearful when a Middle Aged woman is nice to me because I crave that so much.

I've had to figure everything out myself and don't have anyone to fall back on or to help me figure out what I need to do to get back to work and still have the resilience for normal life. Everything is so overwhelming I even stopped going out socially.

Watching parenting videos is really making me see how much I just didn't get and how great it would be to learn a certain way of looking at the world while still developing as a human.

I can't go back so how do I reparent myself? Is it possible? To what extent?

I am going through therapy but I want to do more. There has to be something I can read, watch or attempt to do that will kick things off for me and give me that confidence and understanding to be proud of myself again. I used to be so proud that I went to university but NOW? Now I don't have anything to feel good about in terms of achievements and I'm so fatigued and stuck in my head I need a parent to set me straight tbh

It's different for everyone so I'm wondering how do each of the different adhd medications affect you?

Are there any surprise benefits?

Are there any uncomfortable side effects?

If you have tried more than just one type of medication then please let me know which one is best for you

Thank you 🙏

I live a couple hours away from my family so phone is the primary way to catch up unless we make plans.

This last month or two I've practically had no contact with my mum apart from one call saying she will call after work, and another where she angrily asked me for advice in a very swift call. Both of us left that call angry when all that happened was I asked if my mum will accompany a family member to the hospital. She took that as me trying to control her and instantly audibly gritted her teeth in frustration as she spoke.

Eventually she did go to the hospital and did not text or call to update me on the person in hospital. Two days later still not even a text.

I feel the internal tug of war between the people pleasing side of me who wants to feel loved by my parent and the side of me who is mature and sees this behaviour for what it is: instability, emotionally immature and inappropriate.

I only hear about adult children cutting off their parents but not the other way round so much so making sense of it is extra difficult and even more isolating that the childhood trauma

By success I mean anything big or miniscule. Success would be gaining some insight, some reassurance, an apology, acknowledgement.

Communication always turns hostile at the touch of a feather if she feels like I am criticizing or 'controlling her' by 'telling her what to do'. It's so deflating

I need to find a way of getting some sort of input from them that acknowledges that this isn't a funny quirky memory for me, these things hurt and it's been getting hard to not think about them and struggle with the two versions of her somehow being the same person.

Have you done this with any success and how? What helped you successfully walk over those eggshells?

I'm thinking about personality hires and wondering what other life successes can be achieved through these traits.

Fake confidence or substance induce charisma counts too, friends and relationships are probably the most common ones.

Getting free or heavily reduced beauty treatments would be one of my favourites from my own experience. Saving 100s just because of how I presented myself is a big win. I won't go in to details but I know that these things happened with great influence from the confidence I decided to really try to exude

Instantly asking for help before even making an attempt themselves.

Learning a term like Executive Dysfunction and using it as an excuse rather than an informative term that can help them understand themselves and find solutions - or at least try

What aspect of financial literacy secured a life of financial freedom for you?

Some people seem to speak in fluent Hustle. They must know some principles, laws or just anything that solidifies their confidence to not be broke and find steams of income anywhere.

This is far from anything I was ever taught but I don't know where to start and it most definitely doesn't make sense in a way that is applicable and replicable

Both saving money, investing money and making money are intimidating. So where do I even start?

TW/ drug abuse, addict partner, physical, financial and mental abuse mentioned. Coercion, infidelity, violence

Dating an addict is like a toxic relationship on steroids. Is there anything that your partner did that despite how degrading, heart breaking or cruel it was, you still couldn't leave.

My partner has done so much it's humiliating thinking back and realising how cruel it all was. Cheating, selling his body, stopped on a highway bend and refused to move the car until I agreed to give him money for drugs, smashed my tv by launching it across the room and down the stairs, invited a dealer to our house after I've been drinking. He wanted the dealer to come so that he can get some free drugs and was so desperate that he was suggesting that I was drunk at the time and that he could get a bj from me. I saw those texts while the dealer was at our home and couldn't believe that this was actually happening. I loudly called him out in-front of the dealer to make it clear that this was not happening and I don't consent to that bs. I haven't been able to talk about it since, nor do I feel comfortable drinking alcohol near him. YET, I didn't leave.!

He's now a year sober but I can't help but remember these things. People in normal relationships have no idea what it's like and I don't feel comfortable sharing with people who don't understand how painful it is when you've been so traumatised yet you still can't leave them.

Looking to find people who can relate to this level of chaos and betrayal. Anyone who has anything similar happen to them, please do leave a comment <3

The more obscure, unique and niche the better

I will start by being hella vulnerable 😬

I didn't know that black people were real.

Living in a small post USSR country, I had never seen a black person irl, only on TV. It never occurred to me that people came in a phenotype that seemed so unique, interesting and out of this world beautiful. I'm not sure why I thought that this is only something that exists on the tv but not irl but I remember being absolutely floored when my mum sat me down to clarify that black people exist.

I remember being so excited when I heard that there was a black person living in our area. This was so incredibly rare in general, Nevermind for me.

Growing up I would always tell my parents that I'm going to 'marry a black man' and couldn't be happier when Bratz released a Sasha doll. I had never come across a black Barbie or black doll of any kind before.

Safe to say I was excited when I was able to meet and make friends with people of all races when I started school here

I'm curious if this is just a tv thing or actually something that happens.

Also it got me wondering whether there are other factors such as personality, that would lead to someone perhaps less qualified, getting hired for a job anyway

What sort of things would you look for in a person like this to agree to hire them?
Is there anything that puts you off of someone like this?
Would you hire someone who is under qualified but strong willed, educated competent?

I'm in this position due to the fact I am a carer for a loved one and suffer with chronic health conditions. I want to try doing something that I can be proud of but I don't know what might be putting me at a disadvantage and what could even set me apart if anything at all.

I've been out of the game for a while so not only do I have a big gap but I also feel unsure how to ensure my cv, interview and skills are up to date with what the market likes nowadays

Thanks!

I guess not just socially but generally.

I want to level up how people see me and ultimately how they respect me. I'm seen as a bit scatter brained, chaotic in an 'I'm trying to hide that I'm actually stressed and anxious' kind of way, I also think it's very clear that I'm really doubtful of myself and fall in to being a people pleaser as well as a push over or someone people can disregard and be rude to with no fear of being reported, called out or threatened by me as a respectable woman who is successful and self assured.

I hope I've explained it well because I do realise that it might sound silly but I feel the social hierarchy constantly and it does exist in adult life too - only now it's more subtle

Anything from learning something, starting a specific habit, speaking a certain way, using a certain way of speaking, wearing a certain type of clothing, anything at all please 🙏

In particular, being out of work due to caregiving and my own chronic illness. I hold so much shame about not working but I'm just not employable unless I want to push until I get fired or leave for reasons related to my illness. I want to not feel so looked down upon by what seems like everyone in the UK. I am educated, well spoken and I'm struggling to juggle everything along with health and also my partner's disability.

I am limited to work from home which is hard enough to find anyway. I've been out of work for 5-6 years so I don't know how to update my cv or explain the gap in employment without potentially being judged. I'd rather not bring up the fact I'm ill since I haven't gotten better and I am worried they will think it's too risky and don't give me a chance.

During my studies I felt like I stepped up in life and this is going to guarantee I have a good and financially stable future, however I now feel very much bottom of the barrel with all of the connotations people have for someone on benefits.

I posted this in an adhd group but wanted to ask the same question to this group too. I'm new to posting on reddit so I hope this is allowed!

This might be unpopular but I think that masking can be beneficial. Feeling scatterbrained, incompetent and just all round different feels degrading sometimes and masking can alleviate the anxiety around feeling so intrinsically different to those around you.

Is there anything that you do that ensures you are perceived as 'normal' as possible?

One thing I do is I try to look as professional and dressed like I'm on my lunch break from a corporate/office job even if I'm just running errands. If I'm feeling particularly sensitive to people's perception of me then this is a sure fire way to ensure I not only feel put together but I'm also treated with so much more respect. Looks, clothes, hair, makeup etc play a big part in how I seem to be treated but there has to be something besides looks that masks whatever it is about me that makes me feel so alien 🫣

I was way too old before I found out that ISAs are a thing so I wonder what other knowledge, hack or strategy like this has helped you get your sh*t together and get the most out of adulthood.

I'm in my late 20s and feel like I missed out on so much valuable information about how to simply be an adult and navigate through life.

There are so many things that seem to be common knowledge but under a 'if you know, you know' basis so please bestow all of your wisdom upon me 🙏

I'm trying to get out of a difficult rut and live life on easy mode for once. I just feel so misguided

Thank you :)

My therapist starts every session by asking me "what do you want for yourself" and I often find myself stumped because I'm not always sure. My answers have been centered around a couple of main themes, however I know there is more that I want for myself but determining what that is is difficult for some reason.

I want to make the most out of every session

I'm looking for some inspiration of what YOU guys want for YOURSELVES because I just know there is a lot that I can't pull together in to a thought that I can verbalise and use for actionable change and healing.

I'm really curious to see where other people's minds go when asked that question

Be as specific and detailed or broad as you like please.
Thanks!