u/Right-Marionberry722

This is something I feel genuinely ashamed and confused about, and I’m wondering whether anyone with childhood trauma and/or autism/cPTSD has experienced anything remotely similar. When I was little, probably under 8 or around that age, I used to collect caterpillars and sometimes kill them, and I also remember killing lizards because I wanted them to suffer like i did. I was raised by my aunt and uncle and I remember them beating me all the time. Writing that out makes me feel horrible because I cannot imagine doing anything like that now. I’m also autistic, so I’ve been wondering whether trauma, emotional development, curiosity, control, dissociation, etc. could have played some role. I’m not trying to excuse what I did. I just genuinely cannot reconcile that child with who I am now.
As an adult I’m almost absurdly sensitive about animals. If there’s a spider in my room I usually just leave it alone because my brain immediately starts imagining that it’s scared, has its own little life, maybe has a spider family somewhere, etc. 😭 I hate seeing animals suffer and I consider myself a very empathic/gentle person generally. But I also think that is due to later traumatic experiences including rape, molestation, and grooming.

That difference is what scares me. Sometimes I start thinking, “What if I was actually a psychopath/narcissist as a child and somehow I’m just pretending to have empathy now?” Even though rationally I know personality disorders and psychopathy don’t work that simply.

How can a child be capable of deliberately hurting animals and then grow into an adult who feels extremely strong empathy toward them? Can trauma, autism, developmental immaturity, morbid curiosity or a need for control explain that kind of change?

I’d especially appreciate hearing from people who have either studied child development/trauma or who did disturbing things as children that feel completely alien to who they became as adults. Please don’t diagnose me from a Reddit post lol - I’m mostly trying to understand the psychology of it.

Hey guys! Please no judgement as I am new to sport, I am an amateur swimmer - did competitive swimming when I was 10-12, but want to get back into sports. I cannot run due to health conditions but swimming is fine, so I want to get back into it. And I want to set myself a goal in the next year to do an open water swim (Im an Aussie) purely for personal challenge and to improve my physical and mental health.

My pace at the moment is 1km at ~23'50". (Im 23F) How can I effectively train, and any advice on starting this journey? (Please don't be mean or laugh at me please). ie. How many days should I train and how many km should I be increasing per week vs training for pace?

Cheers! Very appreciated 💙🥰

EDIT: I am entering my first 2km open swim in November! (as a test run for a larger open swim in December)

Hello everyone!! I'm a 23 year old Chinese-Australian looking to travel to Poland (Or other country in EASTERN EUROPE) in December - no fixed dates yet but I want to be there mid December (before Christmas).

Would anyone also be looking to travel with me? 🥰💙 (Doesn't have to be Poland, I just want a travel buddy anywhere tbh that's not too expensive, ideally Poland!!) Dates is mid December 🙂

A bit about myself/personality:

- I love music! Part of the reason I wanna visit is to see Chopin related stuff in Warsaw
- I love WW2 history, so if anyone is keen on that, please join me
- Love nature and hiking and adventures - would love a fellow adventurer 🥰
- I'm a friendly bubbly person, but also respect personal space and boundaries.
- I love animals, creative and artsy stuff. I love anything Doctor Who!
- Love exploring diff foods too, will eat anything 🥺
- Please DM me on here and we can chat 💬

Hey Dad. I've been trying to quit weed and vaping. But the night sweats and rebound insomnia and anxiety from not having weed is really hard. I quit vaping successfully so far - but not having any drugs in my life is hard. I used alcohol too to help but I can't really have alcohol aa it makes my heart condition worse.

It's not the expense - the weed I get is super cheap (But I'm worried my supplier will want s*xual favours in return because they are so cheap, I'm talking like 50 bucks for 16 edibles, and it has been implied) So I've been trying to cut down and quit. I'm clean right now but the temptation is so strong and time passes so slow without it.

Also I just feel generally lost in life. Ive had three people in my circle pass away from suicide this year, I attempted in Jan and failed, and thr amount of sadness seeing how hurt people are including myself after they died makes me not wanna go ahead with my plans. So i kinda feel lost because it feels like the one alternative option of dying is now out of the picture. I'm also struggling managing my chronic illnesses. I keep getting infections from a bad immune system and I hate how I look so I don't eat or sleep or look after myself properly and then i get sick. Like I skip taking my medications for my arrhythmias because I want a natural way to die. If that makes sense.

I just feel really lost and sad in life. I always look at you and wish you were part of my life, I wish you would remember my birthdays and how old I was. I wish I could tell you about my relationships. I wish you could see me as something rather than a piece of flesh to be given away to a man. I wish you never hurt me. I wish you could laugh with me and at me when I do silly things. I wish you cared enough to get cranky at me when I fuck up. I wish I could randomly text you goodnight and that you'd finally respond to me one day. I wish you never left us and I wish you never cheated on my mum. I still love you because you are meant to be my dad. That's the hardest part.

Heya folks! Im a solo traveller in my early 20s from Australia and got recommended BeWelcome as a free accomodation option from people who are keen to host keen travellers. There is quite a lot of people advertising in the place where I'd like to go, however a lot of them are males so far. Just wondering if anyone has experience staying with males through BeWelcome and whether this site is something that I can trust? (Sorry if this sounds sexist, I do not judge based on gender but I'm a small asian woman and have had bad experiences in the past, and just wanted to make sure BeWelcome isn't full of predators etc)

Thank you sm in advance!! 😊

So Ive been using weed on and off to cope with PTSD symptoms since December last year, and its been intermittent and I quit for like a while. But now I have been using it everyday for like nearly 8 weeks. I tried to do 1 day no weed every week but I just end up with terrible night sweats and feel sick. And moody. I take edibles by the way - make brownies. I've been in intense therapy (for PTSD) but I literally can't stop taking weed because it makes me feel euphoric and relaxed and I feel like it unlocks parts of my brain i can't normally access. I have had psychotic episodes before on weed and the more I use the more paranoid I become so I am realising it's a problem. I just need unhinged ideas to quit weed. How to deal with the withdrawals and stuff like that? I tried taking promethazine and valium to sleep instead of weed (I have bad nightmares lots of the days) but I always accidentally overdose and end up feeling like total shit.
Any ideas would help cheers. x

Hi folks! :) Im an Aussie 23F planning on solo travelling to Poland for the week before Christmas (maybe 14 day trip?). I am a musician and 20th century history nerd so going there to see Chopin stuff and also WW2 stuff. I don't have a huge amount of money at the moment - so was wondering:

1. Is Poland safe for solo female travellers? (I am a Person of Colour too)
2. How much should I be budgetting for 10-14 day trip?
3. How much language do I need to be familiar with before travelling?
4. Any recommendations for places to stay or visit? (I'd like to visit rural/countryside Poland too, as I love nature and am a bit of an adventurer)

😊 Any suggestions or tips or advice would be welcomed! Cheers :)

Ive noticed sometimes sending a text and it never displays as read and then subsequent messages are displaying as read. Why does this happen? Is it a bug?
I doubt these people are crazy enough to literally keep toggling it on and off.

Theres one contact who is really odd. If I unselect my email address for iMessages, I can only SMS them. Whereas for other contacts, I can continue iMessaging them using my phone number. Some time ago I blocked their number, when I deleted their contact (number and email), I got random texts from their email address that they sent me AGES go (but have only arrived the day I deleted their contact). Why?? It is completely confusing me? And why is it that if I unselect my email address I can no longer iMessage them using my phone number? Any trouble shooting appreciated thanks.

I met this older guy who was my ex teacher. Lets say our age gap is more than 40 years. Anyway we've had a relationship in the past where he called himself my dad and he called me his daughter. Anyway its been going on for 3 years and hes paranoid Im gonna get him in trouble because im suicidal and lowkey considering it but hes worried if I kms then investigations will happen and he'll get in trouble. I dont want him to get in trouble which is why I cant kms yet. When he did get in trouble we abandoned all of that but Im still like super dependent and attached to him because ive never been that open with anyone before. But now I cant be open anymore because all he tells me to do is go away. But he hasnt cut me off. Literally the cycles of our relationship is him yelling at me, me feeling shit about myself to the point where I wanna die because he makes my self worth just 0, and then I feel grateful that he treated me like that because if he didnt care, then he wouldnt bother to hurt me like that. I literally have evidence of him saying "I have trained you to cope with abuse" idk if it was a joke.

Long term I cant grow up if I dont leave this relationship because I objectively know the day I will not tolerate this behaviour is the day my self worth will be fine. He said that too, that one day when I realise my worth, I'd forget his name. But so long as I look up to him about everything I can't leave this relationship. I dont know how to as wwll because he knows too much about me, he knows all my traumas and abuse history and my self destructive tendencies and substance use and Im worried if I just stop talking to him, he will tell people about it and ruin my career. Idk. Idk what to do. Im deeply attached and love him a lot as a person, despite how he treats me. I dont know how to leave.

I cant fucking leave this relationship. Its so hard. Do other women also go through this?? I am sooo deeply attached to him and I care about him and genuinely do love him and would hate for anything bad to happen to him. He even told me he trained me to cope with abuse. I just want to chat to women or hear from women who also find it hard maybe we can support each other with no contact. its so fucking hard. I cant do this.

I genuinely want to understand why this keeps happening to me. I'm a 23F, final-year medical student. Assuming I pass this year, I'll graduate as a doctor and also finish a Master's degree.
From the outside, I probably look pretty functional.
I've published research, presented at conferences, worked in remote communities, and generally kept moving forward academically.
But the last few years have been a mess.
I've been sexually assaulted more than once.
Most recently, I was sexually assaulted during an overseas clinical placement by someone in a position of authority over me.
There have been other incidents too.
I have PTSD, ASD and ADHD. I've had mental health admissions. Physical health admissions. I have an unfortunate immune system. So I get sick very often. I've spent years trying to understand why I seem to keep ending up in situations where people take advantage of me.
What confuses me is that I can recognise red flags in other people's situations. If a patient or friend described some of the things that have happened to me, I would immediately see the problem.
Yet when it's me, I seem to repeatedly make decisions that put me at risk. Not just in relationships. In general.

For example, when my licence was suspended, I drove anyway despite knowing it was a bad idea.
I've ignored consequences before.
I've ignored warning signs before.
I've trusted people I shouldn't have trusted.
I've put myself in situations that, looking back, were obviously unsafe.
One of the people closest to me has sometimes told me that I'm an attention seeker.
That I create my own problems.
That I thrive on drama.
Part of me gets angry when I hear that.
But another part of me wonders whether there's something I'm missing.
Why can I successfully complete medical school while simultaneously making decisions that seem so self-destructive? All the senior drs have commented rhat I am an "exceptional doctor" and my patients have always expressed how much they like me. I am clinically competent in my clinical skills.

How can someone be academically high-functioning but repeatedly make poor choices in their personal life?
Is this a trauma thing?
A self-esteem thing?
A PTSD thing?
An attachment thing?
Something else entirely?
I don't want sympathy.
I'm genuinely trying to understand the pattern.
Has anyone else experienced something similar?
How do you stop repeating the same mistakes when you can clearly see them afterwards but not while they're happening?

I should also mention I struggle with weed use, alcohol and I vape. Some of these bad decisions I have made stem from substance use.