My life revolves around a chemical, what do I do?
I think about it all of the time. I daydream about it. I write about it. I talk about it. I'm never really happy when I'm not on it. It's not even illegal, it's caffeine. You probably drink it every day without thinking about it. But for me, it's all I think about.
It started off as a tool for getting through school with ADHD. I used it on a 5/2 schedule. Mon-fri on, sat-sun off. After two years I "needed" it to live. Every Saturday when I was in the deepest withdrawal I'd dream of that sweet Monday dose.
Just before summer break I fell into deep addiction. I started using every day. The dosage climbed. 200mg, 300mg, 400mg, 500mg. At the end of it I was a zombie. had gone weeks without real sleep and every minute I wanted to cry. It was a mental prison.
So I decided to quit, I calculated it would take 9 days to return to baseline but I choose to take 14 days. 14 days in and I was still lethargic. I promised myself to never get back on caffeine (how naive of me). I bought paraxathine (the same thing but a lower half life and less peripheral effects). It didn't hit the spot. 20 days after total caffeine abstinence I caved. I had a Pepsi. It felt like...to keep it PG I'm going to write that it felt euphoric.
It started off as a tool for getting through school with ADHD. I used it on a 5/2 schedule. Mon-fri on, sat-sun off. After two years I "needed" it to live. Every Saturday when I was in the deepest withdrawal I'd dream of that sweet Monday dose.
Just before summer break I fell into deep addiction. I started using every day. The dosage climbed. 200mg, 300mg, 400mg, 500mg. At the end of it I was a zombie. had gone weeks without real sleep and every minute I wanted to cry. It was a mental prison.
So I decided to quit, I calculated it would take 9 days to return to baseline but I choose to take 14 days. 14 days in and I was still lethargic. I promised myself to never get back on caffeine (how naive of me). I bought paraxathine (the same thing but a lower half life and less peripheral effects). It didn't hit the spot. 20 days after total caffeine abstinence I caved. I had a Pepsi. It felt like...to keep it PG I'm going to write that it felt euphoric.
I was happy for the first time in so long. It felt like floating on clouds. Time stopped and everything was perfect.
Then reality hit, but it was still so much fun.
What do I do?
Do I reintroduce caffeine with the risk of losing control.
Do I keep trying to like paraxathine?
I can't keep living with this gray fog of unhappiness. (I just realised that sounded like I was suicidal, not at all but what I meant is that this sucks (littarly))