u/SpiritNo6626

I'm not suicidal because I can't do it at least for a few decades because I need to wait for my parents to die first so I don't hurt them with my death. So I didn't include the flair because I genuinely am completely safe for at least 20 years (and that estimate is VERY conservative, my parents are very healthy and will probably live for much longer).

In the meantime the wait is agonizing. I'm such a burden and I hate it. I've been trying to do something for the past 3 hours, just staring at the computer blankly like a total idiot. My memory used to be good but it's failing. I can't even remember any of yesterday. I opened a book on my desk to the dog eared page and I can't remember any of what came before, I only barely know that I read to that point. I can't do anything without guidance. In any other situation I believe the advice would be just to get a dumb physical labor job for people whose brains don't work but I am very small and have severe coordination issues so that wouldn't work either. I go to a decent school so everyone believes I'm smart and expects me to be but I got accepted back before my brain got so empty and only keeps getting emptier

What is the best case scenario here? I trick people into hiring me for a job where even if I do exactly as asked to the genuine best of my abilites, I am still a burden that consumes more than I contribute? I luck out into getting money some how and become one of the unethical rich people that sits around doing nothing? I drop out of school and work at Walmart to still be the cashier that makes people really sad and hurts them because he seemed rude because he is too dumb to know how to emote and act in a way that makes people accepted and happy?

And that's just career wise. It is selfish to think about but there is nothing for ME. The best life possible is one where I live away from everyone to avoid the awful anxiety from being near people, and that is not an enjoyable or fulfilling life, only the least painful one. That's not even considering my 20 billion other issues.

But the worst part is that I'll never be a kind person. I want to be someone that makes other people happy more than anything, but I am angry and bitter and impulsively selfish- I am even bothering others with my issues on this site because I could not resist the selfish impulse to write this and probably won't be able to resist the selfish impulse to post. I can't do any good deeds either, I am too scared of people to even get near them to be kind in the first place, when I try to talk outside of somewhere structured where I'm being expressly told to say one specific thing (like classes) my mouth just won't open. I've tried responding to people on here and empathizing with them and showing them care but I get the feeling I am not good enough at it for it to actually help as much as place the burden of thanking me on them so I've stopped doing that. I cannot even be kind to animals, I cannot pet dogs or cats well because of my coordination issues and I'm not someone they like either... My only hope is throwing money at causes but I will not be able to get money without scamming some poor company into thinking I'm a full person in the first place.

I just want to be a kind person so bad. I've started relying on a sick spin off of a 'thought crime' as cope, the idea that just thinking kind thoughts is a good deed or the same as charity. It is the only thing that gives me happiness is thinking about how much I love everyone but never doing anything about it.

Sorry for bothering yall

I'm doing OMAD because I usually only have the energy to remember to eat one meal, but I am trying to gain weight, not lose it. When I search "OMAD weight gain" I only get advice in how to AVOID weight gain, not get it. I'm able to eat enough calories but when I eat enough in one meal it is difficult and my stomach hurts. I've tried peanut butter but if I eat too much ny throat hurts for some reason (not allergic) so that's one calorie dense food I can't do.
Has anyone done OMAD with goal of weight gain and made it work out? Especially without access to fridge or cooking supplies.