u/ThatOneShyAnon2-0

I have never had a bad life, I've never experienced any trauma, and i don't have any actual symptoms. i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, and it's all i can think about day or not. im constantly being so dramatic about everything. i don't have problems in my life. people wish they were me. it's not that im numb or unhappy with my life, i laugh, i laugh all the time. i feel happy all the time. but i never actually feels good. it feels odd to laugh, it feels odd to feel happy, it feels odd to be proud of my accomplishments, and i genuinely don't like feeling happy.

I sh, i have been for a few years now, and it's not really that bad, but it's not that shallow either. i have no idea why i do it. im not addicted like most people are, i can stop at anytime. i have to deliberately convince myself to do it everytime, and yet i keep doing it for some reason. i have attempted before, more than once, but it's never been serious enough to count or get me to a hospital.

i used to have dreams and ambition, atleast that's what i think. i could be remembering it wrong. but now it all feels pointless, for some reason. i keep cheating my way out of things. i don't put effort in anything- not because im tired, or because I can't, but because i just don't. i don't know why i don't. i keep picking this stupid phone up and scrolling for hours and hours on end just so i don't have to think about it. i don't even know what im trying not to think about.

i have so much potential. there's so so much i could be, but im not. i don't know why im not. i don't know anything anymore. i don't know what i want, i don't know what i like, i don't have opinions, i don't know why im like this, and I don't even know what "this" is supposed to be. im just being so dramatic and attention seeking all the time. i keep lying and lying and lying to everyone.

on one hand, i doubt this is normal. on the other hand, I've been reaserching so many different mental illnesses for such a long time now and reading about them over and over until nothing makes sense anymore, because how can i say i have x symptom without knowing that deep down, the only reason i show it is because i have it in the first place, and that my answers are biased because I want to be mentally ill so damn bad.

...it feels so stupid writing all this down, because i know nothing's wrong with me, but something's wrong. i don't know. i know im not making any sense, but I don't know how to put this into words. i just can't tell how i think, feel, or act anymore. not even a little bit.

some people really need to understand that there's more to fear responses than just fight or flight. still, some people are stupid enough to say shit like "they clearly wanted it if they didn't do anything to stop it!". don't even get me started on the fawn fear response, where people(such as myself) act in a way to attempt to appease the person therethening them, or try to negotiate things while going along with it to try and prevent anything worse(this is most common in abusive relationships, where people try to act in a way to keep their partner happy and walk on eggshells to avoid violence)

tl;dr, all fear responses are valid and people need to learn about them. sorry if this is unclear, im pretty sleep deprived lol

i know that this isn't anywhere near that bad when compared, i know it's probably completely different from what people who transition experience, and i know it's completely wrong of me to compare, but, for some reason I've always felt like i relate to people who are trans fem, and how they feel about their body, atleast to a very small level. i hate my body. i hate how masculine i look. i hate how awkward i am. i hate how broad my shoulders are. i hate how small my chest is. i hate how hairy i am. i hate how my body is covered in scars. i hate how hideous i am. i wish i looked like a woman

i feel like im posting too much... idk. am i?

i have researched mental health so much nothing makes sense anymore i shouldn't be mentally ill, i have no reason to, i don't show the proper symptoms, yet i hurt myself. am i just forcing myself to hurt myself so i have an excuse to think "woe is me poor me"? but if that's why im hurting myself then why aren't i doing that? nothing makes sense anymore jjsjfhwibdhfinwjcoebckwjfjowkfkfm

Fwahaha, Kris! I can't believe it! There is a Reddit mod that actually has a life, so they completely forgot about this sub. Wouldn't it be nice if they made a post asking for what else people want in this sub, so they can add it? oh wait

edit: welp now im gonna go flair all of the posts so far one by one

edit 2: i finished flairing every single post in the sub, if you aren't happy with your post flairs you can change them. i tried my best but there were 109 posts for me to read lol