I have a picture of what I'm thinking of in my head but can't get it onto paper or anything, so I'd like to have you try at it. Here's some reference photos that are pretty close, especially the second one, but I'm thinking more fleshy and rotten if that makes any sense. Like as if something has crawled it's way inside the skin from many spots and left it all infected and rotten.
I've seen clips of it on TikTok a while (years) back, specially on videos about the animated YouTube series Alfred's Playhouse. It's a woman singing, she mumbles amen amen first kind of like meowing the words if that makes sense and then it turns more screamy and it's about Frankenstein, maybe something like "have you heard about Frankenstein"
I'm not very knowledgeable or aware about my crushes towards people, I'm probably on the aroace spectrum. I've had one crush for sure before, but this isn't like that. I want to get to know this guy better and become close to him, I wouldn't mind if he wanted to be with me in a relationship way. When he messages me it makes me feel happy, same with when he talks to me. We have plans to go out at some point to hangout somewhere and thinking about that makes me happy. Is this just budding friendship or a crush? How can I know? Is it even important to know?
This is pretty much the most masc I am able to look atm. I'd be able to ditch the bag but rn I'm going for a trip to another city so I kinda need it.
I'm pre-t and my hair is very wispy abd light right there. Here's a pic with what I have going on rn (with one bit of hair that has escaped my scissors photo bombing there) and I have marked with a red arrow the direction of the hair
I don't know if it's anticipatory anxiety for school or just that I'm on my period or what is it but for like a week I've constantly has this kind of background anxiety. You know when you're waiting to go to the dentist and when you're in the waiting room you're kinda anxious and your heart's pounding and stuff? It's like that. The type where if I do something I'm really invested in I might even forget abt it for a while but the second that distraction goes away I feel it again. I'd rather just have one proper panic attack or something than feel this for weeks on end.
I don't have a strict diagnosis of any kind that would explain these experiences other than "dissociative experiences". But it was so real. I don't know how to explain this in length without it sounding silly so I'll just give a short explanation. I had another personality inside me a few years back. He was an angel. Sometimes he appeared as a statue, sometimes as just a being of light like looking into the sun. He was mean and cold and sometimes scary but I miss him still. He "took over" whenever I was feeling very emotional and it felt like I'd been sedated. He never took my autonomy from me, just all my thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I felt his anger and disgust but mostly he just took away mine. But he's been gone for years now. I'm only left with one who's me but little. I'd like to know her better and "have a conversation" with her sometimes but every time she comes out it's just not the right spot. Like at school. She just makes me very scared and sad and homesick and I can't take that while studying. So I tell her to go away for now. It sucks that I can't ever get any answer from her unless she's right here, I can't even know if she's in there anymore before she comes back again.
Was just told that I can't wear my.shorts (only clothing that has ever made me feel good or confident in myself save for a singular hoodie) and also my only men's clothing because apparently I have too many bruises on my legs and "should have some modesty". I bruise easily, I always have. Literally if I bump myself anywhere even slightly I get a bruise. I get bruises in my sleep. I don't even have many bruises rn, record low probably. That person would probably think I'm hideous if she saw me with my average amount of bruises.
I know that I will never sound like an actual guy my age without t but how do I at least sound a bit like a guy?? I have only managed to sometimes sound like a 14 year old boy. I have been unable to have any consistency, some days I wake up and my voice is all deep and "right" for the entire day but most days it's just this stupid mousy beeping that my voice is.
Menossa Turkuun ihmettelemään, mukana kaks lasta. Aika nörttejä koko porukka. Mitään tekemistä tai nähtävää?
I have one 0,5cm long hair on my chin watch me I'll update in a month with a full beard manifesting so hard rn
For starters, I don't cut myself. I hit myself to the point of bruises, especially on my legs. Sometimes on my arms. I hit myself with objects or against walls or just with my fists. Usually when I'm angry. I just hit myself multiple times with a hairbrush and the noise must've been loud enough for the ppl in the same apartment to hear, but nobody ever asks me about it. They don't ask about the marks on my arms, not even when I've bit or scratched myself. I wish I had broken that hairbrush so I could tell how much I'm struggling right now but I'd just get told I'm overreacting.
I can't control my anger. I haven't done anything bad to anyone yet save for yell sometimes, I mostly turn it inwards in the form of self harm. But that doesn't help much anymore.. therapy doesn't help, I've been in therapy for 2 years and I just get told to do breathing exercises. Those don't help, I've tried. I hate feeling anger, I hate feeling anything, j wish I was a robot or something so I wouldn't feel anything. I only feel anger and anxiety. I feel like a cornered animal. I'm hopeless. I hate myself and everyone else.
I apologize for this post probably being very convoluted and difficult to read, I am not very good at writing my own thoughts out.
I have depended on my grandma (80) for basically my entire life, so nearly two decades. So has my entire family. I won't go too much into detail because it's a very long story but let's just say there's depression and alcoholism in my family and my parents needed an extra hand with taking care of me and my little sibling.
I was never really allowed to show emotion at home, especially negative emotion. The last few years though I have found myself lashing out at my grandma more and more. It doesn't even have to be a bad situation, just that I get a bit frustrated from something. I find myself getting angry just at her presence, and I try to distance myself from her then but it's difficult when she insists on spending the entire day at my apartment doing my chores. I am so fucking lazy I can't even do those. I don't know why I get so angry, not fully, though partially it's her unwillingness to engage with me in any emotional way or to try and accept when I get angry. All my life I've been vilified whenever I lash out, yet my sibling is treated like a tiny little baby who can do no harm despite being louder and more public in his outbursts.
This was a very bad attempt at explaining anything, so I'll answer questions about my situation. Point still stands, AITA?
EDIT: Adressing some things. I'm not 20, I'm 18. I have just moved out. I have been in therapy for 2 years but it hasn't really helped with my anger, every time I bring it up and try to get help my therapist suggest meditation or breathing exercises or whatever. I have tried them, and they don't help me in that situation. I have told her. She ignores me. My grandma is not a saint either, she practices favouritism on my little sibling in the form of, as previously said, acting like I'm the worst person on earth for getting a bit frustrated while my sibling can scream in public and get comforted after. I've never had that. She also calls me crazy and childish if I cry for any reason at all.