u/WhiteDesertCat

I know there are a lot of empaths here who feel everyone and everything around them, and then need to disappear for days just to recover.

Something that took me a long time to realize is that empathy can actually be regulated.

You can open up. You can close down. There’s a slider.

The problem is that a lot of highly empathetic people get stuck with that slider permanently pushed to 100%.

And then everything becomes harder. Getting things done. Moving toward your own goals. Protecting yourself. Not taking on everyone else’s emotions. Sometimes you can barely function because you’re constantly tuned into everyone and everything around you. And honestly, I think society makes this worse.

We’re constantly told to be open, empathetic, helpful, understanding. Feel other people’s feelings. Help everyone. Care about everything.

So we’ll save every puppy we see, cry over every stray kitten, and carefully move every little spider back into the grass.

And yes, empathy is beautiful. But sometimes it turns into what I jokingly call suicidal empathy. You give so much of yourself to everyone and everything that there’s nothing left for you. And then you can’t even do the things that actually matter to your own life.

About six months ago, I decided I needed to learn how to turn my empathy OFF when I needed to.

Not permanently. Not because I wanted to become a cold person.

I just wanted to be able to say, “I actually don’t give a fuck right now,” when I needed to get something done or protect my own energy.

So I started practicing it. Not caring about what everyone might be feeling or thinking about me.

And at first, of course, the guilt came. I’m a bad person. But I think that’s actually an important part of it.

If you learned very early that being a “good” person meant caring about everyone, helping everyone, keeping everyone happy, then putting yourself first can feel almost narcissistic.

You have to learn that you’re allowed to be the “bad girl” sometimes. You’re allowed to be angry. You’re allowed to not help. You’re allowed to put a giant fucking “NOPE” sign on your emotional door. And that doesn’t make you a bad person.

In fact, I don’t think it’s pathological at all if you can turn your empathy back on. That’s the important part.

The goal isn’t to become permanently closed or permanently open. It’s being able to regulate the slider.

If you’re always closed, there may be a survival belief underneath it: “If I open up, I’ll get hurt.”

If you’re always open, it might be: “If I close myself off, I’m a bad person. I’m letting people down. I’m being selfish.”

And that second belief is the one I’ve been working on. Learning to let that “selfish” part exist. Learning to tolerate my own anger.

Learning that sometimes I can just put my face in neutral, walk through an environment that doesn’t feel safe or accepting, and not absorb a single fucking thing from it.

And then I can come home to someone I trust, take the armor off, and open completely.

With my husband, for example, when I feel safe, I can just completely unfold. Like a little bird.

And with people or environments that don’t feel safe for me? Poker face😅 I’m not absorbing you today.

And honestly, learning that I can choose how open I want to be in each situation has been incredibly freeing.

Empathy doesn’t have to be an on/off switch. You can learn to use the slider.

Do you know how to turn your empathy down, or are you still stuck with the slider at 100%?

Autistic helplessness is when, because of the way your brain works, you see a problem that neurotypical people around you simply don’t see. You point it out, you try to help, but they genuinely don’t see it as a problem at all.

Then the situation gets worse, and when everything finally hits the fan, they suddenly see the problem and try to fix it, but by then it’s already too late.

And at that point, there’s not even any point in saying, “I told you so”

Have you ever experienced this kind of helplessness?

They’ll do everything they can to leave you out. They’ll make sure you’re not invited, keep you on the sidelines, and act especially friendly with everyone except you. They’ll make inside jokes around you without explaining the context. They’ll steer conversations toward topics you can’t relate to and make you feel like an outsider.

The problem with this strategy is that it only works on people who aren’t confident in themselves.

When you’re dealing with someone who knows their worth, it falls apart completely. Confident people don’t depend on other people’s approval to feel valuable. They don’t need constant validation to know who they are.

That’s the mindset worth developing.

When someone goes out of their way to make you feel excluded, unwanted, or upset, it shouldn’t make you question yourself. If anything, it tells you how much of a threat they perceive you to be. Think about it: they’re investing a surprising amount of energy just to make you feel small.

In reality, they’re revealing their own insecurity. They’re trying to pull you down to a level where they feel more comfortable.

Once you start seeing it for what it is, everything becomes much easier.

And that’s when their game stops working.

Everyone else seems to know how. Even five-year-olds can do it.

And you’re just sitting there every time like: “Why can’t I figure this out?”

I recently heard about this technique, and honestly, I found it pretty interesting. What do you think?

We all have people like this around us gossipers, jealous people, or someone who just seems to love talking about us behind our backs. Maybe you had a conflict with someone in the past, and the bad feelings are still there on both sides.

So here’s the idea: instead of letting these people annoy you, why not make them useful?

The next time you see them or simply picture them in your mind mentally “assign” them a purpose.

For example: “Every word you say about me increases my income. Everything you say about me turns into profit for me”

You can make up your own version. Maybe their thoughts and words about you bring you money, opportunities, good health, travel, whatever you want.

The interesting part is that it can completely change how you feel about that person. Instead of getting annoyed every time you think about them, you start thinking, “Well… keep talking then”

And even if you don’t believe in the Universe or manifestation, I think there’s something psychologically interesting about it. You’re basically taking someone who used to drain your energy and mentally turning them into someone who works for your benefit.

What do you think? Would you try this?

The most ambitious people aren’t always the nicest, and the kindest people often don’t make it to the top.

But when you have both, you don’t need to step on people to succeed. You compete with the challenge, not with the people around you.

You can be ambitious without treating people like tools. You can be kind without making yourself small.

Honestly, I think that’s one of the best combinations a person can have.

What do you think?

What’s on your list?

Some of you might remember one of the Soft Introverts in our community who used to share little stories from her life with us.

She’s recently published her book on Substack and will be sharing it chapter by chapter.

I really like her writing, so I wanted to share it here in case anyone would enjoy reading it too❤️