u/arielleromano

I’m 1 year pp with my first child. She is so wonderful and easy to take care of. My partner is a great side kick and a good friend. But I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I recognize that the love I have for myself is hard to find. And seeing a beautiful intelligent baby girl spawn from me, it’s so unthinkably awesome. It made me realize how much I need to love myself to be a better mom.

I’ve been so lost lately because I feel totally unable to provide as much love as I want to. Some days I feel like I want to run away from everything. I feel terrible for feeling this way so it becomes a vicious cycle of shitty feelings. It feels like that episode of SpongeBob where squidward moves to that new neighborhood and everything is perfect every day until he wants to go absolutely insane with reef blower. That’s how I feel.

I’m stuck in a loop and I can’t escape. I feel immensely guilty about my depression. I can’t be the best mom I want to be. My daughter deserves all the love in the universe and I come up so short. Motherhood is so fucking taxing, I wish I could be capable of more. I wish I were stronger. Some days I just want to stay in bed and cry, and it seems so silly because I don’t have anything to cry about except for my own shortcomings. And my daughter doesn’t deserve that, my family doesn’t deserve that. They deserve a mother that can be there for them, and even though I want to be there it feels like I’m a waste of space.

I’ve talked to some of my loved ones about this but they get upset with me when I talk about it. I disappoint them with my thinking I’m not a good mom. I don’t really know how to be honest anymore because I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to stop feeling so overwhelmed and exhausted all the time. I hate depression so much.

I’ve been practicing gratitude every day, praying for the light within me to shine bright. Going on walks, getting time in nature… battling this demon depression any way I can. Mostly I’m just trying to love myself for the first time. Which is stupid painful. Sounds weird but it’s really tough for my gut to untwist itself from the knots it’s created over time. I’m grateful motherhood has given me the opportunity to heal a little bit, but at the same time it’s like ripping off a bandaid. It’s all happening so fast and I’m so unprepared for this. Some days I really don’t want to be a mom.

Life is crazy, it’s stressful, it’s hard. Being a mom takes an extra amount of strength. I’m hoping I develop that strength over time.
Thanks for listening to my sad rant.

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God I love these girls. Teamwork just makes me wanna cry! 🥹 I don’t even like sports or football, but I f-ing love them! DCC girls you are inspirations to us all!

God I love these girls. Teamwork just makes me wanna cry! 🥹 I don’t even like sports or football, but I fucking love them! DCC girls you are inspirations to us all!