u/aryak98

Me and all of my friends are going through terrible breakups and/or bad relationship phases, my god, watched Cocktail 2, I think my brain is officially too evolved and maybe in a sensitive place to not be able to BARE the LAYERS AND LAYERS OF fucked up relationship boundaries breaching in this movie MYY GOODD.

Honestly you don’t even need to know anything to know every single character in that movie is so fucked. They should all breakup and stay single and go for therapy.

Just hit 70kg Bench. I am 71kgs and roughly 171cm. So it’s not super impressive, but I haven’t been gymming for a long time, I used to focus more on functional strength training. Had hit 65kgs a few years ago, rn it’s been a stead journey in the past month going from 50kg to 70kg again.

I’m currently watching Musafir Cafe, which revolves around two love stories of the same person in two different timelines, I don’t know maybe it’s just me relating really hard to it, or maybe it is actually really goood. But the plot is so interesting and the acting as well is sooo good. Vikrant Massey plays the male lead and you can feel that he plays two completely different characters, you can feel his hurt in the person he plays from the second love story, that he has unresolved love from the first one and even though he is happy and in a mature relationship, the regrets, the remorse comes through even when he’s smiling in the second relationship. That is so damn cool. I really think this is the kind of mature content the Indian audience deserves more of, it shows character development, pain, love, relationship dynamics, communication a beautifully made life which has a focus on love and partnerships rather than love story is what I would say it’s more about.

How much she’s able to keep no contact, so strictly, completely by herself, maybe I keep thinking that oh she’s going through a lot and despite all of that she’s so strong that she knows what she wants and only wants to move forward and that’s why she’s maintaining no contact so well, but maybe not, maybe she actually just doesn’t give a fuck about me, maybe she’s really over it, her only struggles are maybe related to her life and her future, not what she lost or anything related to me. That’s not bad, it’s really good for her, because it’s been a long time and she kept saying that to me in the end, it just makes me feel shitty. Good for her.

I’m so fucking tired and depressed, that I’m unable to function, I really cannot work and manage my depression at the same time especially when work is so consuming. I have applied for a sabbatical at work I might get fired for this. Let’s see.

I’m unable to move on. I still love her a lot, to the point that just thinking about the fact that she’s gone forever puts me in the bed for the day. Completely utterly depressed. But it’s time to move on. I think I’ll have to now date other people as a distraction and to pacify myself because I know she’s going to be that soon, when she does, the only way I’ll be able to bare the pain if I can tell myself ofcourse why can’t she, it’s her life, so can you, so go try and love other people. She has made it ABUNDANTLY clear, she doesn’t care, if you date or don’t date or do whatever, she wants a life without me. So what option do I have now apart from moving on? Kind of it feels like a forced moving on but just have to do it because she has told me to.

Man I’m doing so so fucking bad rn, I wish I could speak to her, but it’s never the last time, that is what she kept saying, I keep on asking for a last conversation but it’s never the last time, she’s right, I want her in my life. I can’t even want her as a friend because I’m going to be so scarred when she dates other people or tells me she doesn’t care about me romantically. I think, Only if she knew how bad I was doing rn, she’d want to talk to me. But she knows how bad I’m doing. And doesn’t want to, she wants me to go through this, so that she can be free, she wants me out of her life and wants to be out of my life. I’m so so miserable rn, I wish she just magically felt some love towards me, came back to me, but I know her, her conviction, she has decided that she doesn’t want me that she doesn’t feel emotional safety with me, that I’m not the right partner for her. I’m so fucking stuck in pain. I just wish something flipped the switch back in her brain, just for a bit to give me one tiny chance. I can’t believe she actually was here with me physically just 2 weeks ago and I fucked it up even then. I couldn’t stay composed and make her feel safe, even in that moment why did I feel like I need to convince her, she said she genuinely did reconsider when she was here, I could have been better.

I’m so so convinced atm that there’s this guy she likes now, he looks exactly like her type, is cool, smart, looks kind, I feel so so sure that they’ve become friends and slowly it’ll turn into anything she wants. Fuck i can’t stop thinking about how she could feel for someone else, tell someone else the things she used to tell me, do the things with someone else that she used to do with me. What hurts more is not this anxiety, It’s how I’m nothing now. Just past in her eyes, something she has processed.

This is one of those nights, where I’ve tried everything, and then I call her, saying Hi ****** sorry, emergency, I feel like I’m going to die tonight, she learnt to start with yes I’m here for you, don’t worry, then she would give me a pep talk on how healthy I am and how this is just a panic attack and it’s anxiety, nothing is wrong with my body and then she would tell me how much she loves me I would tell her how much I love her, thank her a lot and then stay on call for a bit more and then sleep and have good dreams about her. Except, I’m alone now, in Panick and definitely am going to have nightmares about her tonight.