u/burningshut

TW: SELF HARM, SUICIDE

please I just had to get this off my chest I don't know why I took the steps I did I just can't live my life without it fogging it all over my head and I need help I don't know anything.

We are both 19.The story Is I met is really intelligent, beautiful and a overall awesome girl and we talked alot. But I found our she's suicidal and I tried to help her everyday. We talked about it for hours and hours. One day she was In a really bad state and I found her saying that she will end it all and she loves me alot. she already told me before but I didn't answer it and I felt so conflicted at the moment I don't want her to die man I said I love you back to her and she dropped the knife. I just wanted to help that I never got myself.

The conversations were easier because I've been through depression alot myself and I think I still am. We basically bonded over our similar traumas. I'm really sacred of intimacy or relationships because I always feel like ill ruin something I'm just anxious and insecure and I don't know how to commit.

But know she has planned our marriage? and she's talking about our kid names im only 19 I am so dumb I don't anything. I don't even know what to say if I try to steer the conversation towards us just being friends she says that she's alive only because of me. I don't want her to die man. I feel really trapped my mind always races and I done know how to deal with it.

please I just had to get this off my chest I don't know why I took the steps I did I just can't live my life without it fogging it all over my head and I need help I don't know anything.

The story Is I met is really intelligent, beautiful and a overall awesome girl and we talked alot. But I found our she's suicidal and I tried to help her everyday. We talked about it for hours and hours. One day she was In a really bad state and I found her saying that she will end it all and she loves me alot. she already told me before but I didn't answer it and I felt so conflicted at the moment I don't want her to die man I said I love you back to her and she dropped the knife. I just wanted to help that I never got myself.

The conversations were easier because I've been through depression alot myself and I think I still am. I had a harsh upbringing. I'm really sacred of intimacy or relationships because I always feel like ill ruin something I'm just anxious and insecure and I don't know how to commit.

But know she has planned our marriage? and she's talking about our kid names im only 19 I am so dumb I don't anything. I don't even know what to say if I try to steer the conversation towards us just being friends she says that she's alive only because of me. I don't want her to die man. I feel really trapped my mind always races and I done know how to deal with it.

so I've given NEET three times and I've lost interest more and more each year but I kept pushing myself got really depressed and it took a heavy toll on my mental health and I really started to hate it. my qualifications are 12th PCB.

For now I have two options in my mind Bsc courses or BCA I'm really confused between them.

Bsc would he easy as I'm a science student (PCB) but salaries seem really shitty and I have no clue which Bsc course is even worth it. not much idea regarding the collages in hyderabad about bsc too.

BCA would be different from what I usually used to study for but I think it's alright but with AI and B tech being superior and the colleges I scouted (KLH, ICFAI) seem kinda low quality overall I'm a bit scared persuing this because I feel it's very risky.

I have no clue regarding other courses I'm just very confused. any help, recommendations, guidance will be very grateful 🙏

so yeah I caught cold last night and I woke up superr sick and I've been rolling over my bed for like hours now and all my friends are busy rn so I'd love to answer questions or talk about literally anything I'm super super bored. anyways about me I love anime, movies and emo music :3

I've noticed this server is pretty inactive for most and I feel like I don't even know my fellow indian ex muslims. I'm sure this will give us a chance to make new friends and meet new people similar to us.

I'm going to keep it reserved only for ex-muslims. and no toxic behavior or hate speech of any kind (racism/homophobia/discrimination)

idk how this gonna work out but I'll try. dm me your instagram username (preferably not public or with your information) to be added.

I've learned that I show symptoms of ADHD through a friend who has ADHD and I really dont wanna self diagnose myself but I can't afford the diagnosis or the meds anyways.

it's been about 2 years and I've only felt safe and comfortable all alone in my room devoid of reality I just spend my time daydreaming, sleeping and listening to music. I used to be able to draw and watch movies but I can't even do that know. I don't know what's wrong with me and why this is happening. My brain is under a constant fog and I can't study anything without getting distracted really bad or falling asleep.

I've been so cut of from what's actually happening my rejection sensitivity has increased a ton and I find more ways to distract myself and escape. some days I just spend crawling on the floor I don't know anything I've failed all my exams that I was supposed to give after high school ended.

everyone I used to know is so far off now and I'm stuck, ashamed my family views me as a liability and a disgrace. I wish I could do something about it. It feels so miserable and it's getting worse now with dreams about earthquakes and accidents in which I'm hurt really bad. I don't know if I can escape this or even come forward to people because im so scared of what they'll think of me.

it's been about 2 years and I've only felt safe and comfortable all alone in my room devoid of reality I just spend my time daydreaming, sleeping and listening to music. I used to be able to draw and watch movies but I can't even do that know. I don't know what's wrong with me and why this is happening. I've been so cut of from what's actually happening my rejection sensitivity has increased a ton and I find more ways to distract myself and escape. some days I just spend crawling on the floor I don't know anything I've failed all my exams that I was supposed to give after high school ended. everyone I used to know is so far off now and I'm stuck, ashamed my family views me as a liability and a disgrace. I wish I could do something about it. It feels so miserable and it's getting worse now with dreams about earthquakes and accidents in which I'm hurt really bad. I don't know if I can escape this or even come forward to people because im so scared of what they'll think of me.

I wonder if they influenced alcest

recently I've seen many posts on this sub and many other "ex-muslim" subs portraying Islamophobia which is a product of genuine racism, descrimination and xenophobia is somehow false and doesn't exist and we use it as a some sort of victim card (really disgusting racist dog whistle btw)

We need to understand that no matter how much we denounce Islam our names are forever attached with it and our culture too, I know most of us aren't privileged enough to strip clean of everything. we are forced to live in this way. Islamophobia will effect us as well. I despise Islam will all my heart but there's no excuse for discrimination of any kind.

I know most ex-muslims especially Indian ex-muslims who know the struggle of being closeted understand this and are smart enough to not fall into these traps that people who only use our communities to spread their disgusting filth with.

I'm saying this because there are many new or young and impressionable ex-muslims who are lonely with no community start identifying with these people who are everywhere like parasites to feel belonged.

being a sensible Ex-muslim instead of a bigoted one which will set our community in even back is always better.