u/candlewax-enjoyer

I'm 16 currently and my parents are unsupportive, they would never let me get on T or anything of the sort. My dysphoria is only getting worse and i just feel so lost. I want to do DIY but part of me wonders if that would be stupid when in 2 years I'm going to try and get a prescription anyways (for surgeries and records)

I'm just wondering if it's not a lost cause to do a super low dose of T to stop some feminization, or would that be dumb? It's a lot for me financially as I don't have a job at the moment.​

My family isn't very accepting of any form of lgbtq (mainly my dad). Not in an immediate danger way where I could be hurt or kicked out, but I refuse to come out to my dad until I'm 18 and moved out because I know it would destroy my family dynamic if he found out. He'd hate me forever and I just can't deal with the idea that my dad thinks I'd go to hell for being me.

So, safe to say, I do not out myself to anyone. I don't talk about being queer, I don't explicitly say it unless it is necessary and safe with people I trust. I don't want ANYONE in my family finding out any more beyond those who already know.

My partner and I have been together for three years almost, and it just seems like they don't understand that I do not feel safe enough to be outed as queer in any way at all. Over holiday they went and told my SISTER that we were dating (when I've been keeping it a secret) and it's caused a massive spiral.

My sister was fine with it, but what if she wasn't? Or what if she gets mad and outs me to my dad? My partner didn't ask for any permission before telling my sister that and just acted like it was no big deal when it was so fucking scary for me. My heart still sinks thinking about it.

And I keep thinking back to all the times before when they've talked about it to teachers. At this point, who knows, everyone could know I'm queer! I don't want to admit that, I don't want to talk about that, I don't want to think about that. I don't care if it's my reality, I don't want anyone to know. It doesn't feel safe.

I know I'm overreacting but im just so overwhelmed and upset right now I dont know what to do. ​

I'm heavily questioning my romantic orientation rn and OH MY GOD THIS SUCKS

It's not even just internalized aphobia but it's everything. I somehow ended up with the neurodivergence and childhood trauma and daddy issues that apparently make romance hell.

I think im greyaroace while also being quio/nebularomantic (unable to discern romantic feelings, probably due to neurodivergency) and it SUCKS because my dumbass HAS A PARTNER. FULL ON GF. So now I'm questioning everything and hating myself because I don't know if I like her as a friend, if I feel romantic attraction just not to her, if I just haven't talked to her in too long, WHO KNOWS! NOT ME!

So now I'm trapped in this hell of going "but Im supposed to love her"/"I love her (I think?)"/"if I'm not with her she'll fall apart and hate me"/"I'll be alone forever"/"I hate being in a relationship"

When I'm not experiencing romantic attraction (which is most of the time) being in a relationship sucks, but when I'm not in a relationship and am experiencing attraction it also sucks. Everything sucks!

Per title: this sucks

(Edit: TW for a slight mention/reference to car accidents)

I feel like I never see anybody talk about it but I'm so scared of driving sometimes.

I won't drive when I'm fasting, I won't drive when my brain fog is even slightly bad, I won't drive unless I've eaten something before hand. And even then I'm VERY diligent.

It probably doesn't help that I read Wintergirls as a young teen (the disordered MC got in a car accident after passing out behind the wheel).

It's just a sucky thing to fear because I live in a very car-dependent area and literally could not get to my job if I didn't drive

I still live with family who usually eat dinner together, so a majority of the time I eat one "real" meal that isn't fully processed or a dessert I baked. And honestly, I don't have much of a desire to anymore.

I've been junkorexic for most of my ed. I wouldn't say fully, maybe, but making meals requires so much effort I just don't have anymore. It doesn't help that I have a major sweet tooth.

I just don't really have a desire to eat a meal that'll keep me full, hell, most of the time I prefer the feeling of illness due to not eating enough nutrients (it sucks, don't get me wrong, but it feels... right?)

Does anyone else get this?

I dont know how much longer I can keep going on like this. I hate being a girl, I hate being closeted, I hate knowing that nothing I do will make me a man.

I'm so dysphoric all the time. It sucks. Genuinely it sucks so hard. I only feel good when im too distracted to think, so i lose myself in video games or movies or doomscrolling all day to forget the pain im in.

I can't shower if it's daylight out because I shower in the dark, meaning I don't shower often (it's a celebration to shower more than once a week, call me gross, but I'm just trying to not die), summer sucks because i womt shower until 10pm then.

most days I can't change without crying, it was so bad last month that I had a near daily streak of crying in the morning. Literally every day for a month of crying.

I feel broken down and tired, I don't know what to do anymore. I want to be a man, but only a few people know and fewer people care. I need euphoria like I used to, I need something to latch onto, but i cant. Theres just. Nothing.

Things that used to give me euphoria don't anymore, binders and packers just remind me I'm a delusional girl. I only feel euphoria around things bad for me. Nothing good really sparks it anymore.

My guys friends and I aren't really speaking because I don't reach out because I'm scared due to other reasons with drama and whatnot that happened.

I'm just tired​

I just don't understand how people do it. I've been depressed, anxious, probably undiagnosed neurodivergency of some sort, for many years now. And I'm finally in therapy again, and getting better is just... so much work?

It feels like a sick game to have to fight so hard to get rid of mental illness that sucks the will to fight out of you. I'm tired and I don't want to do all of that to feel NORMAL. Not even great, just normal. It doesn't feel fair.

I just want a magic pill to make me happy so I don't have to deal with it. I don't even know what medication does, I just want it so life doesn't feel so goddamn unbearable anymore.

I originally started therapy 3ish years ago to deal with some regular depression and anxiety. The first therapist that I went to for lack of a better word, sucked. She wasn't experienced in what I was coming for, was extremely religious, and the major problem I had she told me wasn't real (gender dysphoria).

Since her, I've been extremely hesitant to even think of trying therapy again. But recently I had to start for some eating disorder/self harm issues. It was terrifying, but I was able to push through, and I really like the lady I work with now.

The issue is that I'm unable to treat therapy like actual therapy. I struggle with a lot, but trying to put any of it into words that makes sense is such an uphill battle. And the issues I do know I struggle with, I can't even talk about without shutting down into "I don't know" or "Eh kinda it's not that big of a deal".

I don't want to go to therapy anymore, I can't stand it, and I feel bad because I do really enjoy my therapist. I don't know what to do.

Every year I, as a band member in my school's concert band, have to play pomp and circumstance at our senior's graduation. Usually it's pretty okay, boring, maybe. But this year has got me thinking of my own graduation.

It's coming up soon, I'm gonna be graduating and having this ceremony for me and it's gonna fucking suck.

They're never gonna say my real name, they're gonna say my deadname, my diploma will have my deadname, it will all be a celebration of a different person. It kills me.

And I can't even get it changed, I can't get them to call me something different because I'm fuckikg closeted and I can't have anyone call me my real name and no one does anyways. I dread it so much because I won't even be myself until after high-school and it's hell every year I wait

That's it. That's the post. It's so bad I can't stop thinking about it and nothing is helping. All because I saw some stupid photo and went into a spiral

I'll never be a real man and that makes me so sad in ways icant even express through text