u/coffeee_clover

American here.

I just wanna say out loud that I’m pissed off.

For my entire life I’ve had health insurance whether my own or thru my parents. By the kindness of the universe I’ve had good health and very few issues.

HOWEVER

Now that I am a contract employee, with no insurance and no benefits… now is when I start having health issues and could actually benefit from diagnostic bloodwork, mental health care, etc. and now I can’t afford it.

I hate it here. Something is wrong with me and I can’t afford to get it looked at. And I make too much to qualify for Medicaid.

I can’t think about anything else except how bad I wanna be dead. How I could pop to the hardware store for rope.

This is terrifying I want it to stop. I want to either die or make this feeling of wanting to die, stop.

I’ve texted and cancelled my conversation to the crisis text line about 3 times today. Telling them “yeah my period is making me wanna kms” just sounds stupid so I keep cancelling and I’m terrified they’ll send someone to my house.

I need help and I don’t have insurance. This is so fucking unfair that I have to cope with this via Reddit.

I left my previous job a year ago. My last day I was crying and hugging the people I thought I was close to.

Promises of brunch, hanging out, keeping in touch.

Almost none of them have actually followed up. The one coworker who told me through tears we should get brunch has never even attempted to arrange anything and the last time I texted to try to arrange something, she left me on read. But she did text me last night asking for a favor, so of course, priorities are in order.

So, just don’t be like me and remember these people are just being nice bc they’re being paid to be. Do your job and go home. Don’t get attached to people at your job. It will only cause you pain.

At my current job, I’ve made a strong effort to keep myself at a civil arms length from everyone so I don’t get hurt again. I am overly trusting and attach to people far too easily.

I’m a 30 yo stepmom, to start for context. I’ve raised my two stepsons for six years now alongside my spouse. His 19 yo daughter just moved in with us a couple months ago.

I was so excited to have her here. A few weeks in, resentment began to build. Couldn’t really put a finger on it but noticed it and tried to figure it out.

My spouse and I were just talking and he mentioned I’ve been really cold and jealous about their relationship. And I thought about it for a minute…
And then it hit me like a fucking bus.

She is getting the love and parenting I needed and never got and I’m resenting them both for it.

She doesn’t have a license so he drives her to college. He buys her things. He’s helped her get into college and get student aid and her books, and her bus pass and class schedule sorted out. Helped her open a bank account. And truthfully, with my now opened eyes, doing typical, sweet, loving dad shit.

I got none of that.

I was actively discouraged from going to college. Discouraged from getting a drivers license. My parents also resented having to drive me places. I was perceived and treated as a burden and unwanted and so I kept to myself and minded my own as much as I could. My only expectations were to get good grades as I was sheltered and homeschooled… and to prepare to get married and pop out kids. Oh and also don’t ever be perceived if you don’t want to be criticized and screamed at.

So seeing his daughter get actually loving parent treatment is ripping open a wound I didn’t realize I had until literally 5 minutes ago.

I have been SO angry at my spouse and telling him he’s spoiling her and enabling her and she’s taking advantage of him. And he should stop doing all these things.

I’m jealous of a kid being treated like a kid. I’m jealous of a kid being loved and supported like she’s supposed to be. I’m jealous that she’s being helped to pursue higher education and to better herself.

And now I’m going to have to sit with this pain and grief and continue to watch more of this happen in front of me and try to act cool and not like my heart is being ripped out of me.

Oh my god this hurts

Ugh.

I’m at least 10 days out from bleeding. But I’m starting to break out. I’m exhausted. Hungrier than usual. I can feel that as soon as I’m out of work, I’m going to emotionally collapse.

I guess I’m glad I noticed it so I can track my symptoms. But god I don’t wanna feel like this for the next 10 days… my suicidal thoughts go CRAZY and they’re so hard to deal with.

I wish I didn’t have to deal with this. Not only that but I’m a giant bitch to my sweet man during this time and all he does is show concern.

Shit sucks dudes.

Literally every day I’m googling some medical condition, mental health condition, some weird habit I do… like I have to figure myself out.

If I’m not doing that I’m daydreaming about how to get out of debt, overhaul my closet, deep clean my house, or like fix something about my physical self.

It comes in waves and it’s hitting HARD lately.

I can solve so many problems in my head at work when I’m bored and then I go home and lay in bed bc I’m so fried from my very low stakes job. WTAF. 🫠

Anyone else?

I’m still figuring myself out, I’m not sure where I fall on the spectrum but I do think I do have autism and adhd in some measure.

I’m wondering what it was that made you guys notice you may be ND or what pushed you to go get tested. Was it something someone else said about you? Was it a habit that nobody else has?

I think for me it’s been a while of noticing I have really strong noise sensitivity and I really struggle with change - like work to home, home to errands etc, and sudden changes to routine or schedule are hard for me to cope with.

What was it for you?

Is this a thing?

I swear it’s like all my brain can see is everything bad. Even if it’s the TINIEST little inconvenience, that’s a day ruined for me. I’ll sit and ruminate and bed rot and cry over the smallest things, even if the rest of the day went great!

Most of my days and most of my life I’ve always focused on everything bad and find that looking for/noticing the good is drastically more difficult. It’s like this weird almost obsession with purposefully finding the bad things to focus on to make myself miserable? And it’s intensely worse when I’m in luteal. I’m pretty sure I have PMDD (different story) but this is a month long thing no matter what phase of my cycle I’m in.

Is this a ND thing? Or am I barking up the wrong tree?

I’ve struggled with this as long as I’ve been out of religion.

As much as I hate to admit it, I miss the community aspect. It was easy to make friends, connect and make social plans. We all saw each other at least once a week sometimes more because of services.

What have you guys found to replace that? I am horrifically isolated and have struggled to find friends and community ever since I left. It’s so painful.

This is my new “as frequently as I need it” habit and I hate it. I can’t relax or cry at home I’m afraid someone will hear me and then come check on me or resent me bc I cry when stressed.

I’m a full time stepparent. I’m always fucking stressed.

So now I just drive to my local target, park and sit in my car for hours and talk to myself and cry and scroll my phone bc my home isn’t somewhere I can relax anymore.

Please tell me I’m not the only one that does something like this, I feel actually insane lately

This is my new “as frequently as I need it” habit and I hate it. I can’t relax or cry at home I’m afraid someone will hear me and then come check on me or resent me bc I cry when stressed.

I’m a full time stepparent. I’m always fucking stressed.

So now I just drive to my local target, park and sit in my car for hours and talk to myself and cry and scroll my phone bc my home isn’t somewhere I can relax anymore.

Please tell me I’m not the only one that does something like this, I feel actually insane lately

Hey all,

Surely I’m not the only one who’s dealt with this so here goes.

Been with SO for going on 8 years now. The first 2 years was just us, then SS11 and SS12. Most recently, SD19 moved in. We all collectively get along pretty well, other than your standard fights and drama between two boys that close in age, lol. All three of them are with us full time, other than the boys spending a month at grandmas each summer.

My partner is of the mindset that any time we spend together, while alone just us, or with the kids, is all the same. He considers it to “count” towards time together and has no issue with us not having a whole lot of time alone these days.

For me, it’s different. Unless we are alone alone, no children, it just doesn’t feel the same. I feel like I can’t fully relax and enjoy the time with him when the kids are around. Not in like a bad way, it’s just different vibes. I still really value time alone with just him.

He is always trying to invite and include me on outings, hanging out together at home, etc. I don’t feel excluded except that I’ve convinced myself that I’m not always wanted around them, despite him constantly reassuring me that he wants me to be there for all these things.

I spend most of my time alone in our room to avoid the boys fighting and just generally stay out of the way. He hates that I do this and to an extent so do I, I just can’t cope with the boys fighting so I hide a lot. He tells me a lot that the kids think I don’t want them around because I’m hidden away so much.

I guess I’m just always worried that I’m inserting myself somewhere I’m not wanted… what if the kids don’t want me there and they just aren’t saying anything sort of thoughts. So I just stay away.

How do I break out of this? I realize most of this is my issue for being so convinced I’m not wanted around. But like, do I just need to force myself until it feels normal?

To his point, we do still get time alone together I guess it’s just not as much as I would like… and at this point in life it’s just not realistic that we’ll have much time alone. I guess I’m just looking for advice on the other part. Feeling included and wanted and normal to be part of all the family stuff. How do I make this feel normal for myself. I’m constantly so scared I’m gonna upset somebody or insert myself where I’m not wanted.

I’m rambling at this point but hopefully this sort of makes sense, I’m just struggling to blend I guess is what this boils down to.

I’m like permanently in a daze now…

My stepdaughter moved in with us about a month ago after being alienated from her dad (my partner) her entire life. She has spent her life living with her physically abusive and emotionally neglectful mother and family.

She is genuinely such a sweet kid and I’m glad she’s here. But…

It is like looking in a mirror at my younger self. I literally cannot handle it. She is the exact age I was when I got out of my parents house.

I’m not trying to be all “but my trauma was worse” bc that’s not the case, she’s endured so much worse than I ever did. But her relaying stories to me about how her mother treated her, spoke to her, ignored her. Recounting her experiences with SA and physical abuse…So much of it is terrifyingly similar it’s like every other sentence is triggering the shit out of me.

I feel permanently dissociated right now. I want to be present and help her and also be present for myself. But I cannot emotionally handle this… what the actual crap do I do. I’m like zoned out and teary and anxious all the time now.

Any advice is helpful, I am hanging on by a thread.

TW vague mentions of SA

I have infrequent but extremely vivid dreams involving my perpetrator. I can feel and hear and smell and experience everything. It’s so violating.

It’s not remotely similar to what actually happened either, but it’s SO vivid and I don’t even know if it classifies as a nightmare, bc I don’t wake up out of them. I sleep thru them. Then my alarm goes off and it takes hours to shake off the icky feelings and remind myself that it was a dream and I’m okay.

I wish there was something that could get rid of this. There’s meds for nightmares right but these dreams don’t wake me up… idk if the meds would help.

But it’s so frustrating that I’m trying to sleep and rest and I have to hear his voice and feel him again. It’s so violating and upsetting. I feel gross for the rest of the day after it happens.

I have infrequent but extremely vivid dreams involving my perpetrator. I can feel and hear and smell and experience everything. It’s so violating.

It’s not remotely similar to what actually happened either, but it’s SO vivid and I don’t even know if it classifies as a nightmare, bc I don’t wake up out of them. I sleep thru them. Then my alarm goes off and it takes hours to shake off the icky feelings and remind myself that it was a dream and I’m okay.

I wish there was something that could get rid of this. There’s meds for nightmares right but these dreams don’t wake me up… idk if the meds would help.

But it’s so frustrating that I’m trying to sleep and rest and I have to hear his voice and feel him again. It’s so violating and upsetting. I feel gross for the rest of the day after it happens.

I’m sorry but the amount of times I try to start a conversation in my group chats to be met with silence and left on read…

Then someone else says something, and everyone INSTANTLY jumps in to talk to them/keep it going…

Yeah guys, I do notice that actually, and it fucking hurts.

What is it about me that is so annoying to people, is my neurodivergence or whatever the hell is wrong with me so annoying that I can’t be tolerated? Jesus Christ just tell me I suck it would hurt less than being ghosted and ignored like this.

Edit to say, oh my god it’s a relief I’m not the only one experiencing this… but also big hugs to everyone. I know how much this hurts

To be fair - I’m PMSing hard right now. But still.

Any fucking time I’m in emotional pain. I just have to sit with it. I have nobody to talk to.

I’m no contact with my mom.

My dad sends me a meme every couple weeks and we don’t really speak outside of that. No beef, we just aren’t close.

So all the time, but especially this time of the month - when I feel intensely alone, unwanted, friendless, and spilling into very dark places… there is no one to catch me.

I had to text the crisis line the other day, just because I needed someone to talk to. That’s how fucking desperate and sad I am.

So here I am on Reddit dumping my feelings again, bc my life is fucking difficult and I have nobody.

I hope one day that changes, but for now I have to just vent anonymously online.

This hurts way too goddamn much.

I feel another crash out wave coming, it’s either go to bed or put some fluffy show on and distract myself.

What’s your go to? I don’t mind crying over something wholesome, just need lighthearted type stuff haha

Hooray for luteal, I’m just wanting someone to talk to to distract from the horrors of my mind

I cried myself to sleep last night. I’m so exhausted.

Luteal can kiss my ass 😭