u/coffeee_clover

I’m a 30 yo stepmom, to start for context. I’ve raised my two stepsons for six years now alongside my spouse. His 19 yo daughter just moved in with us a couple months ago.

I was so excited to have her here. A few weeks in, resentment began to build. Couldn’t really put a finger on it but noticed it and tried to figure it out.

My spouse and I were just talking and he mentioned I’ve been really cold and jealous about their relationship. And I thought about it for a minute…
And then it hit me like a fucking bus.

She is getting the love and parenting I needed and never got and I’m resenting them both for it.

She doesn’t have a license so he drives her to college. He buys her things. He’s helped her get into college and get student aid and her books, and her bus pass and class schedule sorted out. Helped her open a bank account. And truthfully, with my now opened eyes, doing typical, sweet, loving dad shit.

I got none of that.

I was actively discouraged from going to college. Discouraged from getting a drivers license. My parents also resented having to drive me places. I was perceived and treated as a burden and unwanted and so I kept to myself and minded my own as much as I could. My only expectations were to get good grades as I was sheltered and homeschooled… and to prepare to get married and pop out kids. Oh and also don’t ever be perceived if you don’t want to be criticized and screamed at.

So seeing his daughter get actually loving parent treatment is ripping open a wound I didn’t realize I had until literally 5 minutes ago.

I have been SO angry at my spouse and telling him he’s spoiling her and enabling her and she’s taking advantage of him. And he should stop doing all these things.

I’m jealous of a kid being treated like a kid. I’m jealous of a kid being loved and supported like she’s supposed to be. I’m jealous that she’s being helped to pursue higher education and to better herself.

And now I’m going to have to sit with this pain and grief and continue to watch more of this happen in front of me and try to act cool and not like my heart is being ripped out of me.

Oh my god this hurts

Ugh.

I’m at least 10 days out from bleeding. But I’m starting to break out. I’m exhausted. Hungrier than usual. I can feel that as soon as I’m out of work, I’m going to emotionally collapse.

I guess I’m glad I noticed it so I can track my symptoms. But god I don’t wanna feel like this for the next 10 days… my suicidal thoughts go CRAZY and they’re so hard to deal with.

I wish I didn’t have to deal with this. Not only that but I’m a giant bitch to my sweet man during this time and all he does is show concern.

Shit sucks dudes.

Literally every day I’m googling some medical condition, mental health condition, some weird habit I do… like I have to figure myself out.

If I’m not doing that I’m daydreaming about how to get out of debt, overhaul my closet, deep clean my house, or like fix something about my physical self.

It comes in waves and it’s hitting HARD lately.

I can solve so many problems in my head at work when I’m bored and then I go home and lay in bed bc I’m so fried from my very low stakes job. WTAF. 🫠

Anyone else?

I’m still figuring myself out, I’m not sure where I fall on the spectrum but I do think I do have autism and adhd in some measure.

I’m wondering what it was that made you guys notice you may be ND or what pushed you to go get tested. Was it something someone else said about you? Was it a habit that nobody else has?

I think for me it’s been a while of noticing I have really strong noise sensitivity and I really struggle with change - like work to home, home to errands etc, and sudden changes to routine or schedule are hard for me to cope with.

What was it for you?

Is this a thing?

I swear it’s like all my brain can see is everything bad. Even if it’s the TINIEST little inconvenience, that’s a day ruined for me. I’ll sit and ruminate and bed rot and cry over the smallest things, even if the rest of the day went great!

Most of my days and most of my life I’ve always focused on everything bad and find that looking for/noticing the good is drastically more difficult. It’s like this weird almost obsession with purposefully finding the bad things to focus on to make myself miserable? And it’s intensely worse when I’m in luteal. I’m pretty sure I have PMDD (different story) but this is a month long thing no matter what phase of my cycle I’m in.

Is this a ND thing? Or am I barking up the wrong tree?

I’ve struggled with this as long as I’ve been out of religion.

As much as I hate to admit it, I miss the community aspect. It was easy to make friends, connect and make social plans. We all saw each other at least once a week sometimes more because of services.

What have you guys found to replace that? I am horrifically isolated and have struggled to find friends and community ever since I left. It’s so painful.

This is my new “as frequently as I need it” habit and I hate it. I can’t relax or cry at home I’m afraid someone will hear me and then come check on me or resent me bc I cry when stressed.

I’m a full time stepparent. I’m always fucking stressed.

So now I just drive to my local target, park and sit in my car for hours and talk to myself and cry and scroll my phone bc my home isn’t somewhere I can relax anymore.

Please tell me I’m not the only one that does something like this, I feel actually insane lately

This is my new “as frequently as I need it” habit and I hate it. I can’t relax or cry at home I’m afraid someone will hear me and then come check on me or resent me bc I cry when stressed.

I’m a full time stepparent. I’m always fucking stressed.

So now I just drive to my local target, park and sit in my car for hours and talk to myself and cry and scroll my phone bc my home isn’t somewhere I can relax anymore.

Please tell me I’m not the only one that does something like this, I feel actually insane lately

Hey all,

Surely I’m not the only one who’s dealt with this so here goes.

Been with SO for going on 8 years now. The first 2 years was just us, then SS11 and SS12. Most recently, SD19 moved in. We all collectively get along pretty well, other than your standard fights and drama between two boys that close in age, lol. All three of them are with us full time, other than the boys spending a month at grandmas each summer.

My partner is of the mindset that any time we spend together, while alone just us, or with the kids, is all the same. He considers it to “count” towards time together and has no issue with us not having a whole lot of time alone these days.

For me, it’s different. Unless we are alone alone, no children, it just doesn’t feel the same. I feel like I can’t fully relax and enjoy the time with him when the kids are around. Not in like a bad way, it’s just different vibes. I still really value time alone with just him.

He is always trying to invite and include me on outings, hanging out together at home, etc. I don’t feel excluded except that I’ve convinced myself that I’m not always wanted around them, despite him constantly reassuring me that he wants me to be there for all these things.

I spend most of my time alone in our room to avoid the boys fighting and just generally stay out of the way. He hates that I do this and to an extent so do I, I just can’t cope with the boys fighting so I hide a lot. He tells me a lot that the kids think I don’t want them around because I’m hidden away so much.

I guess I’m just always worried that I’m inserting myself somewhere I’m not wanted… what if the kids don’t want me there and they just aren’t saying anything sort of thoughts. So I just stay away.

How do I break out of this? I realize most of this is my issue for being so convinced I’m not wanted around. But like, do I just need to force myself until it feels normal?

To his point, we do still get time alone together I guess it’s just not as much as I would like… and at this point in life it’s just not realistic that we’ll have much time alone. I guess I’m just looking for advice on the other part. Feeling included and wanted and normal to be part of all the family stuff. How do I make this feel normal for myself. I’m constantly so scared I’m gonna upset somebody or insert myself where I’m not wanted.

I’m rambling at this point but hopefully this sort of makes sense, I’m just struggling to blend I guess is what this boils down to.

I’m like permanently in a daze now…

My stepdaughter moved in with us about a month ago after being alienated from her dad (my partner) her entire life. She has spent her life living with her physically abusive and emotionally neglectful mother and family.

She is genuinely such a sweet kid and I’m glad she’s here. But…

It is like looking in a mirror at my younger self. I literally cannot handle it. She is the exact age I was when I got out of my parents house.

I’m not trying to be all “but my trauma was worse” bc that’s not the case, she’s endured so much worse than I ever did. But her relaying stories to me about how her mother treated her, spoke to her, ignored her. Recounting her experiences with SA and physical abuse…So much of it is terrifyingly similar it’s like every other sentence is triggering the shit out of me.

I feel permanently dissociated right now. I want to be present and help her and also be present for myself. But I cannot emotionally handle this… what the actual crap do I do. I’m like zoned out and teary and anxious all the time now.

Any advice is helpful, I am hanging on by a thread.

TW vague mentions of SA

I have infrequent but extremely vivid dreams involving my perpetrator. I can feel and hear and smell and experience everything. It’s so violating.

It’s not remotely similar to what actually happened either, but it’s SO vivid and I don’t even know if it classifies as a nightmare, bc I don’t wake up out of them. I sleep thru them. Then my alarm goes off and it takes hours to shake off the icky feelings and remind myself that it was a dream and I’m okay.

I wish there was something that could get rid of this. There’s meds for nightmares right but these dreams don’t wake me up… idk if the meds would help.

But it’s so frustrating that I’m trying to sleep and rest and I have to hear his voice and feel him again. It’s so violating and upsetting. I feel gross for the rest of the day after it happens.

I have infrequent but extremely vivid dreams involving my perpetrator. I can feel and hear and smell and experience everything. It’s so violating.

It’s not remotely similar to what actually happened either, but it’s SO vivid and I don’t even know if it classifies as a nightmare, bc I don’t wake up out of them. I sleep thru them. Then my alarm goes off and it takes hours to shake off the icky feelings and remind myself that it was a dream and I’m okay.

I wish there was something that could get rid of this. There’s meds for nightmares right but these dreams don’t wake me up… idk if the meds would help.

But it’s so frustrating that I’m trying to sleep and rest and I have to hear his voice and feel him again. It’s so violating and upsetting. I feel gross for the rest of the day after it happens.

I’m sorry but the amount of times I try to start a conversation in my group chats to be met with silence and left on read…

Then someone else says something, and everyone INSTANTLY jumps in to talk to them/keep it going…

Yeah guys, I do notice that actually, and it fucking hurts.

What is it about me that is so annoying to people, is my neurodivergence or whatever the hell is wrong with me so annoying that I can’t be tolerated? Jesus Christ just tell me I suck it would hurt less than being ghosted and ignored like this.

Edit to say, oh my god it’s a relief I’m not the only one experiencing this… but also big hugs to everyone. I know how much this hurts

To be fair - I’m PMSing hard right now. But still.

Any fucking time I’m in emotional pain. I just have to sit with it. I have nobody to talk to.

I’m no contact with my mom.

My dad sends me a meme every couple weeks and we don’t really speak outside of that. No beef, we just aren’t close.

So all the time, but especially this time of the month - when I feel intensely alone, unwanted, friendless, and spilling into very dark places… there is no one to catch me.

I had to text the crisis line the other day, just because I needed someone to talk to. That’s how fucking desperate and sad I am.

So here I am on Reddit dumping my feelings again, bc my life is fucking difficult and I have nobody.

I hope one day that changes, but for now I have to just vent anonymously online.

This hurts way too goddamn much.

I feel another crash out wave coming, it’s either go to bed or put some fluffy show on and distract myself.

What’s your go to? I don’t mind crying over something wholesome, just need lighthearted type stuff haha

Hooray for luteal, I’m just wanting someone to talk to to distract from the horrors of my mind

I cried myself to sleep last night. I’m so exhausted.

Luteal can kiss my ass 😭

My dad and I have a very weird relationship and I don’t see it ever improving

My stepdad alienated him from us when I was 11, and I didn’t reconnect with him until I was 19. Since we got back in touch, it’s really felt more like a friendship than a father daughter relationship. We get along ok, but I don’t trust him with any super personal info, anything I’m struggling with, etc.

He tried to break me and my partner up, demonized him, and still jokes about it.

He has helped me a lot financially but at the same time uses it almost as a carrot on a stick for me to do what he wants.

The only praise I get from him is that he’s happy that I’m doing so well. Which I am. But when I was struggling with depression for almost 5 years, all I heard was “I want old [name] back, you need therapy, etc”. As you can imagine that did a number on me… and it’s why I don’t tell him much of anything anymore, and when I do it’s usually a half truth. Any successes he brags about to his friends, and I don’t really enjoy being a party trick. And anyway, compared to my siblings I haven’t done anything “good” with my life in his eyes.

To his friends he is an extroverted, eccentric, friendly person, to me he is an extremely insecure alcoholic who masks under being a really outgoing person.

I wish we had a different relationship. I texted him today, and I wish him well, but I’ll always kinda ache for what we don’t have.

And I’m starting to realize this wasn’t worth the huge pay bump.

I work indoors in a factory type facility. No windows. The lack of natural light is genuinely affecting me.

My entire department is filled with boomer and Gen X folks who are all angry at each other, backhanded and gossipy, and always telling on each other to our boss.

I am actively being chosen last for things, got skipped over on a recent promotion even though everyone else in my area got it. I don’t know who I pissed off or what I did. People have lied to my boss about me, and I was singled out for being on my phone. Even though, literally everyone is on their phone at my job. I still get my tasks done and then some, and I have a good work ethic… but it’s not enough.

I’m both doing not enough, also being told to be more careful, in the same sentence.

Last Friday I sat at my desk and was trying not to think about how bad I wanted to k*ll myself. I haven’t really ever dealt with those thoughts, until this job. I swear it’s taking a giant toll on my mind.

But like… every job is gonna suck right. Am I just having a grass is greener moment for thinking about finding something else? Like, is it better to stick with the devil I know? I don’t even know anymore. I’m tired of feeling actively hated, avoided, disliked, and shit talked on a daily basis. I’m scared of my own mind. Half my day is sitting at my desk fighting to do my tasks bc I want so badly to not be there.

My coworkers have noticed the light has left my eyes and that I’m not my usual self anymore. I can’t hide my pain and exhaustion.

But this is the best pay rate I’ve ever had. And I know the market sucks right now. I don’t know.

I don’t have a plan but like all I can think about is how bad I don’t want to be here anymore.

Idk how to get out of this headspace. I’m so tired.