u/forallmyqns

hey all, ik a lot of judgement is going to come from me making this post.

first of all, my belief is that people can change but not without change. im 20, young, dumb and naive. i gave in to temptation and cheated on the man i loved most. my man still loved me deeply at this point but i was abusive and horrible and our relationship started to disintegrate when i found out he had been cheating with my best friend (sexting) and he became resentful and disrespectful towards me.

for context, we are ldr (dating for 1.5 years but only met in real life 2 weeks ago, spending 14 days every moment together) .

this was when i went through the pain (crying everyday and having to take pills) and realised i do not want anyone else in this life but him. i changed 180 completely:

- i could now appreciate attractive people without the initial lust or desire

- completely felt committed in choosing my partner everyday

my anx*ety got even worse when i realised that he could be cheating on me with his girl best friend  (she made heart eyes towards him in every selfie they took and they hung out alone). he always claimed that she was 100% lesbian/

this was the 3rd that gave me the most anx*ety because he still has 2 years in school in a very small class with her and they are driving distance from each other. i checked his location all the time and paid those scam services to try and hack into his icloud etc lol.

the final blow came when i found out from his friends he had this summer bucket list with her including going camping and sharing a tent alone together. he denied all of this even when i had evidence and he got angry at me. 

this was when i discovered about manifestation and neville goddard's teachings (specifically through this channel "missy Renee"). i meditated whenever i could:

- gratefulness meditation in the morning

- SATS before sleep

- revision before sleep

nothing felt very forced for me because i did it mostly to get myself out of my depressive spirals and feel better.

this was when my partner turned a 180 as well when i became more distant (but still loving, just no longer desperately begging) and he apologised for everything (in specifics, which i used to beg him to do instead of vague apologies). he also noted that the summer list he planned for him and his girl best friend was inappropriate and that they never carried through with it and he would never do anything that made me uncomfortable.

it was great initially and i couldnt believe my eyes that neville's teachings worked. until... my anx*ety  came creeping back in again. soon, we were fighting everyday once more as i could not shake the feeling that he was still cheating behind my back.

eventually we hold it out long enough that we met in real life for the first time just 2 weeks ago (although we have been dating for 1.5 years ldr) - it was amazing and we were very loving towards each other.

one night, i caved to my anx*ety and checked his phone while he was asleep. i went through his photo album and text messages and saw their flirting messages from before i found nevilles teachings. she had sent him images of her post shower in a towel as well as in bikinis and selfies which he saved. this broke me and i instantly started screaming and crying at him, packing my things to leave the hotel we shared.

he started sobbing and shaking uncontrollably as well, begging me to stay and telling me he didn't tell me about it when he was apologising for everything because he wanted to move past it and didn't want our relationship that was going so well (after i found nevilles teachings) to be ruined with anx*ety all over again.

he also showed me his messages with her including where she would call him cutie and helping him monitor his blood sugar levels (they're both in nursing and he is disbetic)..

the point in time (after i discovered neville) where he told her they should set boundaries because it was upsetting me and she replies, "im okay if we change our relationship a little bit but i want to stay best friends with you forever".

i kept asking him to choose whoever made him happiest because i love him so much i am willing to let him go if it meant his happiness and he kept sobbing and couldn't even speak without shaking so he kept pointing at me.

this was day 4 of our 15 days trip and we carried on to be loving like nothing ever happened that night.

now as he is back in his country, my anx*ety has been creeping back in again and i know i desperately need to go back to my daily meditation practices ive been doing. he is still so loving to me, even brought my shirt back with him which he suffocates himself with and sleeps with (lol). he introduced me to all of his family and extended family as well as that we have a flight booked for me to see him again this december.

i guess this is a semi inspirational post? but also one where i want to ask those who manifested their partner in perhaps similar situations, what did u guys do when unsurprisingly, u get complacent and the anx*ety  creeps back in? i fear ill manifest my partner and lose them all over again because of this. please. help.

even writing this post felt so awful having to relive everything i saw in his phone and that he's going back to school in a week so he will be seeing her again for his classes.

although i trust him that he loves me again now, i cant help but feel so uneasy and suspicious of this girl. i genuinely dont know how to continue living in this anx*ety anymore.

so our relationship is filled with a lot of resentment and trust has been breached. however, we maintain that we want to work through things together.

my way of figuring something out is by going online, ie. finding research articles , youtube videos or tiktoks by psychologists, relationship coaches etc. that shed light on self awareness, betrayal recovery for both partners, how to navigate conflict and unhealthy communication patterns we should be aware of.

i have been sending my boyfriend this alongside voice messages of me apologising if i realised i was doing something toxic and affirming him it's okay for us to make mistakes. i think he is often unable to apologise because he feels a lot of shame (lied and became defensive when confronted about the affair). he always flips things around and ask if i dont trust him, if hes not good enough etc.

i really think the external resources will help us because clearly we are stuck in a pattern of:

1. i want reassurance

2. he defends himself and feels attacked

3. i push for even more reassurance

4. he shuts down completely

he also keeps saying things like this is beyond repair and that he doesnt see a happy future for us. then we will make up and it will be all fine and i love yous again.

today he told me the resources i shared wont help because he wont be able to focus on them. he also added that online advice wont cure us and that we should instead discuss it and figure it out on our own.

i told him ofc we will discuss ourselves but we cant even break out of our current pattern so how can we just discuss. furthermore, i think he is someone who cant take accountability, he isnt very self aware because he doesnt allow himself to process feelings and is also very emotionally immature.

he said: "Then you (who enjoys and is able to watch these) can watch them and we can talk about them together (what I like)"

so hes just going to give his opinion without doing any work to educate himself etc?? also he was the one initially who kept telling me he didn't know what to do and how to fix it, so here i am providing resources and he's saying we should just keep giving our opinions when we both already don't feel heard by the other..

genuinely what do i do and how do i get through to him ?

tldr; we're trying to recover from affair, i sent resources including articles and videos on how to recover but he claims he cant focus on them, they wont help and he rather i listen to these advice while he gives his opinion. i think he lacks the emotional maturity to do so so it seems futile.

so our relationship is filled with a lot of resentment and trust has been breached. however, we maintain that we want to work through things together.

my way of figuring something out is by going online, ie. finding research articles , youtube videos or tiktoks by psychologists, relationship coaches etc. that shed light on self awareness, betrayal recovery for both partners, how to navigate conflict and unhealthy communication patterns we should be aware of.

i have been sending my boyfriend this alongside voice messages of me apologising if i realised i was doing something toxic and affirming him it's okay for us to make mistakes. i think he is often unable to apologise because he feels a lot of shame (lied and became defensive when confronted about the affair). he always flips things around and ask if i dont trust him, if hes not good enough etc.

i really think the external resources will help us because clearly we are stuck in a pattern of:

1. i want reassurance

2. he defends himself and feels attacked

3. i push for even more reassurance

4. he shuts down completely

he also keeps saying things like this is beyond repair and that he doesnt see a happy future for us. then we will make up and it will be all fine and i love yous again.

today he told me the resources i shared wont help because he wont be able to focus on them. he also added that online advice wont cure us and that we should instead discuss it and figure it out on our own.

i told him ofc we will discuss ourselves but we cant even break out of our current pattern so how can we just discuss. furthermore, i think he is someone who cant take accountability, he isnt very self aware because he doesnt allow himself to process feelings and is also very emotionally immature.

he said: "Then you (who enjoys and is able to watch these) can watch them and we can talk about them together (what I like)"

so hes just going to give his opinion without doing any work to educate himself etc?? also he was the one initially who kept telling me he didn't know what to do and how to fix it, so here i am providing resources and he's saying we should just keep giving our opinions when we both already don't feel heard by the other..

genuinely what do i do and how do i get through to him ?

tldr; we're trying to recover from affair, i sent resources including articles and videos on how to recover but he claims he cant focus on them, they wont help and he rather i listen to these advice while he gives his opinion. i think he lacks the emotional maturity to do so so it seems futile.

so our relationship is filled with a lot of resentment and trust has been breached. however, we maintain that we want to work through things together.

my way of figuring something out is by going online, ie. finding research articles , youtube videos or tiktoks by psychologists, relationship coaches etc. that shed light on self awareness, betrayal recovery for both partners, how to navigate conflict and unhealthy communication patterns we should be aware of.

i have been sending my boyfriend this alongside voice messages of me apologising if i realised i was doing something toxic and affirming him it's okay for us to make mistakes. i think he is often unable to apologise because he feels a lot of shame (lied and became defensive when confronted about the affair). he always flips things around and ask if i dont trust him, if hes not good enough etc.

i really think the external resources will help us because clearly we are stuck in a pattern of:

1. i want reassurance

2. he defends himself and feels attacked

3. i push for even more reassurance

4. he shuts down completely

he also keeps saying things like this is beyond repair and that he doesnt see a happy future for us. then we will make up and it will be all fine and i love yous again.

today he told me the resources i shared wont help because he wont be able to focus on them. he also added that online advice wont cure us and that we should instead discuss it and figure it out on our own.

i told him ofc we will discuss ourselves but we cant even break out of our current pattern so how can we just discuss. furthermore, i think he is someone who cant take accountability, he isnt very self aware because he doesnt allow himself to process feelings and is also very emotionally immature.

he said: "Then you (who enjoys and is able to watch these) can watch them and we can talk about them together (what I like)"

so hes just going to give his opinion without doing any work to educate himself etc?? also he was the one initially who kept telling me he didn't know what to do and how to fix it, so here i am providing resources and he's saying we should just keep giving our opinions when we both already don't feel heard by the other..

genuinely what do i do and how do i get through to him ?

before anyone talks about how i should leave him, please understand that we have both betrayed each other. we're working on it now and they both blocked each other and expressed remorse for what they did.

notably, my boyfriend said he didnt think he would be this type of person (a cheater ig?) and maybe all the resentment from me first betraying him caused him to do this. however, concerningly, he also said maybe he has been this type of person all along and it's just showing the true colours now. he's also extremely insecure which i fear he might crave female validation more than he lets up.

he has a female friend irl (since we're ldr) and ive expressed my insecurity that she's prettier than me etc. he responded by telling me to "not mess this up for him" since he finally found a group of friends (3 of them, 2 guys and the girl) that they study tgt and such. this girl is also in a relationship it seems.

recently, i found out that they are friends on a game (im not very active on this game so im not sure if they have played together alone, with other friends or often etc.)

would i be too controlling if i told him i didnt want him to hang out with her or talk to her one on one without another friend or me there, for example playing games together?

he also gets quite defensive and may start asking me why i dont trust him or that he feels he isn't good enough to be able to reassure me.

i know it's normal for guys to have female friends but given that he seems to struggle with validation, would i be too much for wanting him to sever their friendship if they are doing anything alone together?

edit: no it wasnt a test, i didnt tell her to send my boyfriend nudes. they have a history of sharing private images together and i was initially ok because they reassured me that it was just for fun but i recently expressed my discomfort about it. she texted me today, " i sent him my nudes but if ure not ok with it, ill delete" and thats when i found out and asked for screenshots of their chat.

so my best friend texted everything that happened and i kept giving my boyfriend hints to own up to me by saying like "oh im the only person she sends such private images to etc.." and probbing him when was the last time they were texting (he told me they wouldn't text unless it was because i was spiralling with my depressive episodes.) yet, he only replied, "yall are besties" etc and thats when i called him to confront him.

he told me he didnt tell me immediately because he didnt want me to lose my friendship with her since she was the only person i have rn besides him.

when i asked him why he still encouraged her although he knows it will hurt me, he got very angry and frustrated with me because i didnt accept his answer of "i dont fucking know". he starts telling me that im acting like a "god figure" because i act like ive not had any situation before where i didnt know my reasons. he said i wont accept the right answer and instead, rather have him make shit up.

i kept asking him if he still cared because if he didn't, why would he do that to me and he said im projecting because maybe i don't love him anymore and that he does so much but i always question if he still loves me and its never good enough for me.

he was on a school lunch break and when i asked him if he thinks his response is okay, he said its how he responds and that not everything has to be a secret test of whether he loves me.

he called me a fucking asshole because i was crying and said my laughing was fake and manipulative. i hung up on him when he said "im skipping my class for this right now, do you think it's easy. can i go to my class?"

was i the asshole for not accepting "i dont know" as a reason to why he encouraged my best friend to send him nudes although he knew i wouldn't be okay with it? also im more upset by how he is reacting to my confrontation, getting so angry with me and even calling me names.

tldr: My boyfriend hid that my best friend sent him a private image and didn’t shut it down even though he knew I wasn’t okay with it. When I confronted him, he said he “didn’t know why” he acted that way, got angry when I didn’t accept that, turned it back on me, and called me names while I was crying. I’m more upset about his reaction and lack of accountability than anything else.

edit: no it wasnt a test, i didnt tell her to send my boyfriend nudes. they have a history of sharing private images together and i was initially ok because they reassured me that it was just for fun but i recently expressed my discomfort about it. she texted me today, " i sent him my nudes but if ure not ok with it, ill delete" and thats when i found out and asked for screenshots of their chat.

so my best friend texted everything that happened and i kept giving my boyfriend hints to own up to me by saying like "oh im the only person she sends such private images to etc.." and probbing him when was the last time they were texting (he told me they wouldn't text unless it was because i was spiralling with my depressive episodes.) yet, he only replied, "yall are besties" etc and thats when i called him to confront him.

he told me he didnt tell me immediately because he didnt want me to lose my friendship with her since she was the only person i have rn besides him.

when i asked him why he still encouraged her although he knows it will hurt me, he got very angry and frustrated with me because i didnt accept his answer of "i dont fucking know". he starts telling me that im acting like a "god figure" because i act like ive not had any situation before where i didnt know my reasons. he said i wont accept the right answer and instead, rather have him make shit up.

i kept asking him if he still cared because if he didn't, why would he do that to me and he said im projecting because maybe i don't love him anymore and that he does so much but i always question if he still loves me and its never good enough for me.

he was on a school lunch break and when i asked him if he thinks his response is okay, he said its how he responds and that not everything has to be a secret test of whether he loves me.

he called me a fucking asshole because i was crying and said my laughing was fake and manipulative. i hung up on him when he said "im skipping my class for this right now, do you think it's easy. can i go to my class?"

was i the asshole for not accepting "i dont know" as a reason to why he encouraged my best friend to send him nudes although he knew i wouldn't be okay with it? also im more upset by how he is reacting to my confrontation, getting so angry with me and even calling me names.

tldr: My boyfriend hid that my best friend sent him a private image and didn’t shut it down even though he knew I wasn’t okay with it. When I confronted him, he said he “didn’t know why” he acted that way, got angry when I didn’t accept that, turned it back on me, and called me names while I was crying. I’m more upset about his reaction and lack of accountability than anything else.

edit: no it wasnt a test, i didnt tell her to send my boyfriend nudes. they have a history of sharing private images together and i was initially ok because they reassured me that it was just for fun but i recently expressed my discomfort about it. she texted me today, " i sent him my nudes but if ure not ok with it, ill delete" and thats when i found out and asked for screenshots of their chat.

so my best friend texted everything that happened and i kept giving my boyfriend hints to own up to me by saying like "oh im the only person she sends such private images to etc.." and probbing him when was the last time they were texting (he told me they wouldn't text unless it was because i was spiralling with my depressive episodes.) yet, he only replied, "yall are besties" etc and thats when i called him to confront him.

he told me he didnt tell me immediately because he didnt want me to lose my friendship with her since she was the only person i have rn besides him.

when i asked him why he still encouraged her although he knows it will hurt me, he got very angry and frustrated with me because i didnt accept his answer of "i dont fucking know". he starts telling me that im acting like a "god figure" because i act like ive not had any situation before where i didnt know my reasons. he said i wont accept the right answer and instead, rather have him make shit up.

i kept asking him if he still cared because if he didn't, why would he do that to me and he said im projecting because maybe i don't love him anymore and that he does so much but i always question if he still loves me and its never good enough for me.

he was on a school lunch break and when i asked him if he thinks his response is okay, he said its how he responds and that not everything has to be a secret test of whether he loves me.

he called me a fucking asshole because i was crying and said my laughing was fake and manipulative. i hung up on him when he said "im skipping my class for this right now, do you think it's easy. can i go to my class?"

was i the asshole for not accepting "i dont know" as a reason to why he encouraged my best friend to send him nudes although he knew i wouldn't be okay with it? also im more upset by how he is reacting to my confrontation, getting so angry with me and even calling me names.

tldr: My boyfriend hid that my best friend sent him a private image and didn’t shut it down even though he knew I wasn’t okay with it. When I confronted him, he said he “didn’t know why” he acted that way, got angry when I didn’t accept that, turned it back on me, and called me names while I was crying. I’m more upset about his reaction and lack of accountability than anything else.

so my best friend texted everything that happened and i kept giving my boyfriend hints to own up to me by saying like "oh im the only person she sends such private images to etc.." and probbing him when was the last time they were texting (he told me they wouldn't text unless it was because i was spiralling with my depressive episodes.) yet, he only replied, "yall are besties" etc and thats when i called him to confront him.

he told me he didnt tell me immediately because he didnt want me to lose my friendship with her since she was the only person i have rn besides him.

when i asked him why he still encouraged her although he knows it will hurt me, he got very angry and frustrated with me because i didnt accept his answer of "i dont fucking know". he starts telling me that im acting like a "god figure" because i act like ive not had any situation before where i didnt know my reasons. he said i wont accept the right answer and instead, rather have him make shit up.

i kept asking him if he still cared because if he didn't, why would he do that to me and he said im projecting because maybe i don't love him anymore and that he does so much but i always question if he still loves me and its never good enough for me.

he was on a school lunch break and when i asked him if he thinks his response is okay, he said its how he responds and that not everything has to be a secret test of whether he loves me.

he called me a fucking asshole because i was crying and said my laughing was fake and manipulative. i hung up on him when he said "im skipping my class for this right now, do you think it's easy. can i go to my class?"

was i the asshole for not accepting "i dont know" as a reason to why he encouraged my best friend to send him nudes although he knew i wouldn't be okay with it? also im more upset by how he is reacting to my confrontation, getting so angry with me and even calling me names.

tldr: My boyfriend hid that my best friend sent him a private image and didn’t shut it down even though he knew I wasn’t okay with it. When I confronted him, he said he “didn’t know why” he acted that way, got angry when I didn’t accept that, turned it back on me, and called me names while I was crying. I’m more upset about his reaction and lack of accountability than anything else.

so my best friend texted everything that happened and i kept giving my boyfriend hints to own up to me by saying like "oh im the only person she sends such private images to etc.." and probbing him when was the last time they were texting (he told me they wouldn't text unless it was because i was spiralling with my depressive episodes.) yet, he only replied, "yall are besties" etc and thats when i called him to confront him.

he told me he didnt tell me immediately because he didnt want me to lose my friendship with her since she was the only person i have rn besides him.

when i asked him why he still encouraged her although he knows it will hurt me, he got very angry and frustrated with me because i didnt accept his answer of "i dont fucking know". he starts telling me that im acting like a "god figure" because i act like ive not had any situation before where i didnt know my reasons. he said i wont accept the right answer and instead, rather have him make shit up.

i kept asking him if he still cared because if he didn't, why would he do that to me and he said im projecting because maybe i don't love him anymore and that he does so much but i always question if he still loves me and its never good enough for me.

he was on a school lunch break and when i asked him if he thinks his response is okay, he said its how he responds and that not everything has to be a secret test of whether he loves me.

he called me a fucking asshole because i was crying and said my laughing was fake and manipulative. i hung up on him when he said "im skipping my class for this right now, do you think it's easy. can i go to my class?"

was i the asshole for not accepting "i dont know" as a reason to why he encouraged my best friend to send him nudes although he knew i wouldn't be okay with it? also im more upset by how he is reacting to my confrontation, getting so angry with me and even calling me names.

tldr: My boyfriend hid that my best friend sent him a private image and didn’t shut it down even though he knew I wasn’t okay with it. When I confronted him, he said he “didn’t know why” he acted that way, got angry when I didn’t accept that, turned it back on me, and called me names while I was crying. I’m more upset about his reaction and lack of accountability than anything else.

edit: no it wasnt a test, i didnt tell her to send my boyfriend nudes. they have a history of sharing private images together and i was initially ok because they reassured me that it was just for fun but i recently expressed my discomfort about it. she texted me today, " i sent him my nudes but if ure not ok with it, ill delete" and thats when i found out and asked for screenshots of their chat.

so my best friend texted everything that happened and i kept giving my boyfriend hints to own up to me by saying like "oh im the only person she sends such private images to etc.." and probbing him when was the last time they were texting (he told me they wouldn't text unless it was because i was spiralling with my depressive episodes.) yet, he only replied, "yall are besties" etc and thats when i called him to confront him.

he told me he didnt tell me immediately because he didnt want me to lose my friendship with her since she was the only person i have rn besides him.

when i asked him why he still encouraged her although he knows it will hurt me, he got very angry and frustrated with me because i didnt accept his answer of "i dont fucking know". he starts telling me that im acting like a "god figure" because i act like ive not had any situation before where i didnt know my reasons. he said i wont accept the right answer and instead, rather have him make shit up.

i kept asking him if he still cared because if he didn't, why would he do that to me and he said im projecting because maybe i don't love him anymore and that he does so much but i always question if he still loves me and its never good enough for me.

he was on a school lunch break and when i asked him if he thinks his response is okay, he said its how he responds and that not everything has to be a secret test of whether he loves me.

he called me a fucking asshole because i was crying and said my laughing was fake and manipulative. i hung up on him when he said "im skipping my class for this right now, do you think it's easy. can i go to my class?"

was i the asshole for not accepting "i dont know" as a reason to why he encouraged my best friend to send him nudes although he knew i wouldn't be okay with it? also im more upset by how he is reacting to my confrontation, getting so angry with me and even calling me names.

tldr: My boyfriend hid that my best friend sent him a private image and didn’t shut it down even though he knew I wasn’t okay with it. When I confronted him, he said he “didn’t know why” he acted that way, got angry when I didn’t accept that, turned it back on me, and called me names while I was crying. I’m more upset about his reaction and lack of accountability than anything else.