u/mmmbopforever

My husband (dx) and I have had a challenging marriage. We're currently trying to figure out what our marriage looks like going forward, and I've asked him if he wants to continue in more of a companionship/roommate type connection (because we're realizing we never really integrated deeply up until this point anyway).

That's not necessarily ideal for me, but I do want to be married to him and would be so willing to try it out that way and see what it's like if I adjust my expectations.

He's adamant that he doesn't want that type of setup.

But then in other conversations about what we need and want from the marriage, he says he's doesn't need deep conversations.

But he also doesn't move toward me to engage me in less deep conversation or even show curiosity about/interest in me when I offer up things (questions are like a foreign language for him).

He also doesn't seem to retain much information about me.

And the thing is, if I'm not expressing that I'm not content, he seems perfectly content.

But again, he's adamant that he doesn't want a companionship/roommate marriage (and it's not because he thinks it would mean lack of sex, if you're wondering that), so I am so confused about what he actually wants from me and from a marriage.

He says he wants us to have shared future goals. That's about the only thing I can name.

I guess my question is, for those of you who have experienced the same thing with your ADHD spouse (lack of expressed curiosity/interest, lack of engagement in intentional conversation, lack of need for deep conversation and an adamant denial of wanting a roommate-like setup), has your spouse been able to name what they do want from your marriage?

I know y'all can't tell me what's in my husband's head and heart. That's not what I'm asking. I'm just curious to hear about similar situations.

Like, how could you possibly understand well enough to know what's supportive and helpful?

I'm telling this therapist there's been a power imbalance in our marriage, in favor of my partner, for our entire marriage (no abuse!). I'm telling the therapist he hasn't treated me with respect or care for the last year, to the point that I haven't even believed he's liked me for at least the last nine months. I'm telling the therapist I don't have emotional safety in our marriage.

She told me to use "I" statements, positive intent, and reflective listening. Valuable tools, for sure, but what? She also told me to write an impact statement.

I have written multiple emails to him over the last year about the impact (we were living separately due to work). She doesn't know that because she just met us.

She told him to write a statement of accountability. After I told her that when we tried to have a conversation about his treatment of me a few days ago, he couldn't even clearly see how the treatment was bad. How is he supposed to take accountability for what he doesn't understand?

Am I just charged, or does this sound like a poor approach? I'm going to give myself time to process and cool off, but I'm seriously considering trying someone else.

Oh, she also said she was going to send him information about how ADHD impacts marriages; he has ADHD, but why the crap would she only sent it to him?

She also suggested empty chair. Again, this was all during the first time we ever met this woman and tried to convey our entire 12-year marriage to her. Help. With feedback, please. (About the therapist's approach, not my situation!)

Please be kind, even if you think I'm super wrong. This shit is hard 💚

Please also ask for clarity if you need it. I'm all over the place.

This seems to be the norm, and it is so dumb. Why did I even show up on time then?

I can't seem to block other people's energy like I usually do, so I'm absorbing it and getting dysregulated and getting judgmental about the way I'm showing up. And it seems so obvious. I should have anticipated this and created time and space for myself to adjust instead of just expecting to be able to function like normal, and now I feel like I'm letting people down. And letting myself down. I'm going to try to allow myself to do bare minimum today, but I also expect some external judgment about that and thus expect to struggle with some guilt or maybe even shame, which I thought I'd left behind. Blegh. This is so dumb.

Full stop.

(Asking about coping, not marriage or relationship advice!)

My marriage might end. I realized that in April of this year and communicated to my husband on May 1st that if nothing changes by May 1st next year, I'm out. (This was not intended as any kind of ultimatum, just that's how long I'm willing to stick around to see if things change, and part of giving it a real chance, for me, was to make sure he was well-informed.)

But now we're in a place where it's very unclear if he wants to stick around. I think I'll be ok with whichever he concludes because, as painful as it might be, it will a certainty I can process, but limbo is fucking awful.

I feel disoriented and lack predictability as well as a sense of comfort. Any tips for continuing to function as opposed to letting this take over and shrink my life?

Maybe also tips for keeping perspective? Because I'm realizing this just happened today, him deciding to and communicating to me that he is taking some time to really consider what he wants, and it feels like it's been 472 hours since I found out about 8 hours ago.

He told me, via text as he was traveling yesterday, that he didn't want to come home and act like things were normal.

Then, he came home and found me and said hey and asked what I was doing like things were normal.

Then, he got upset that I wouldn't engage like normal, that I told him he needed to acknowledge how badly he'd been treating me, and he said he was going to stay in a hotel.

Then, a bit later, I asked him if he was actually going, and he told me he didn't know and actually told me to just go about my business like I would if he weren't there. (He didn't end up going.)

He actually can't see the difference between my having said a thing he didn't like and his poor treatment of me.

He clearly has no understanding of (or regard for) my autistic needs to be so confusing and unpredictable and "just act like your world isn't upside down and confusing as fuck right now."

I fully understand this is not tenable, and I have plans to leave at a certain point if things don't improve, so I'd really appreciate just commiseration and maybe tips for coping right now as opposed to advice telling me to leave. It's not that that advice isn't valid; it's just not helpful to me in this moment, and as you can see from what's going on, I could really use a space where I feel seen and helped.

(I needed that so much and felt so alone last night that I spilled my guts to his mom - after making sure he was ok with me reaching out to her about it because, even in all this, I offer him respect. What came back from mother-in-law wasn't so specifically helpful, but it was good to not carry this alone, which is, I think, partially why I'm posting here. And because here, y'all will probably get it.)

Thanks 💚

I could really use a smile or a laugh, and I know I can't be the only one who makes up names for things 💚

I'm not moving away from Google Workspace as a whole. It works for most of my other needs.

I just don't like the lack of customization in the calendar reminders. For example, for Google Calendar to be useful to me, I need to list the customer name as the appointment title. This would result in the customer receiving a reminder about an event simply titled their name. It's weird. I guess I could title them "Customer Name's Appointment with My Name" and will if that's the best solution, but I don't really like that either.

Is there any free standalone calendar or email appointment reminder system you can recommend? (I don't expect services to be free! I just don't want to pay only to feel a little bit better about how the reminders work; if paid is my only option, I'll probably just make it work with Google Calendar.)

It needs to be HIPAA-compliant and automated (i.e., if there's an appointment in there, a reminder will go out); I don't want to rely on manually creating and sending reminders, even with things like scheduled sending, both because of the extra work and the high chance of human error.

Thank you!

Um, no. We can be annoyed by things that bring other people joy, and it doesn't make us joyless.

It doesn't even mean we care that much about it. Y'all, it takes one minute to post here, and posting here doesn't indicate we're filled with rage or all-consumed by our pet peeves.

I'll start with these things they call gender reveals. Let's call it what it is; we're talking about biological sex and essentially just telling everyone what genitals the baby is going to have and maybe what gender the parents are planning on trying to socialize them into. It's so weird to me.

Edit: Hoping we can just share stuff we find weird without trying to talk each other out of finding something weird 💚

It's so uncomfortable. I don't - and never have had - any substantial relationships as an adult at all, so I understand discomfort is probably inevitable just from being in any kind of real connection with anyone else. And, it was my first session, but my god, I want to run away. How do you manage this or similar feelings if you ever have them?

Laugh at me if it's warranted, but also, please help me!

I want this stupid rinse aid out of my stupid dishwasher. I've been running the rinse cycle many times/day for the last few days.

When the crap is the "Add Rinse Aid" light going to light up and tell me it's gone or almost gone?

Seriously, I thought rinse aid was supposed to need refilling every month, and I could swear with having filled it a couple weeks ago and having run the damn rinse cycle so many times, it. should. be. empty. by. now.

Help. ☠️

Dinner is my least consistent meal. I find it most difficult. Like, right now, I know I need to eat. I can feel an emptiness in my stomach, and the thought of eating anything is very off-putting. It feels like a 50/50 chance that if I make something, I'll just waste it by not eating much of it at all.

I'm starting to wonder if this is connected to all the buildup of input and all the output of energy throughout the day, not that I can't find energy to cook, but that I can't stomach eating (pun not intended, but taken!).

I already drink a big protein shake made with two cups of milk and protein powder and fortified chocolate milk powder every day.

I keep Boost Plus on hand but don't want to rely on those regularly.

I got this idea the other day that, well, I'll just make sure my breakfast and lunch are big, but I realized big, for me, at this point in my life, is probably just regular-meal-sized, which means I'm not actually getting at the dinner problem by eating more at breakfast and lunch. I'm increasing intake, sure, but not enough.

Plus, I struggle to eat more in the morning because I typically get some kind of movement in first thing and am not hungry prior, and after, that coffee ritual is so pleasant (and once I eat, I'm much less interested in the coffee - and I don't want to be disinterested in the coffee).

I'm probably trying to solve an unsolvable problem, but do y'all have any tips at all?

I'd love tips specifically around having trouble with dinner, and I am also totally open to any tips about eating enough in general.

Happy to answer any questions for clarity. I'm obviously writing this while needing to take in some energy, and it feels like I'm rambling.

(Also, because I've been on the other side of it as well, I just want to commiserate with anyone who's reading this and going, "I wish I had that problem." I have also had periods of my life where nothing was getting in between me and my food, and I know mmmbopforever, in that period of her life, would have hated a post like this.)

Edit: Literally no idea why I devolved into the third person at the end.

How have you been able to accept that, and how are you coping with going without?

(There's no situation in my mind that prompted me to ask this; I'm not looking for advice. It's just something I've been thinking about lately, this discrepancy that can exist between what we want and what we actually have capacity for - and I do mean internal capacity as opposed to financial resources and the like.)

I'm 39. It's fun.

On a totally unrelated note, do you also ever randomly notice your face muscles are activated for no reason, like, when you're just at home and not masking/intentionally arranging your face? What's that about?

I'm autistic with a tendency toward rigid thinking.

When it comes to physical attraction, I have a pretty specific type, and since I'm primarily looking for sexual connection, I've been a bit hesitant to engage with those for whom I'd potentially have to build physical attraction (because that feels more relegated to the arena of romantic connection).

And, if I'm being really honest with myself, I really would love a partner with whom there is instant physical attraction. However, I understand this is not serving me. Particularly because I do want something casual but ongoing, which means some kind of real connection beyond sexual, if short of romantic.

So, I'd just like to hear from others who have maybe been pleasantly surprised by connections you might have otherwise missed out on if you'd just stuck with your type.

Please feel free to ask questions for clarity. Sometimes the way I post seems not to be received very well, so I'd love curiosity before judgment because my intentions are good.

(It's probably relevant to say that, while I'm on the cusp of getting involved with some in-person kink spaces, I'm currently only using a dating app, so I know I'm just seeing the two-dimensional version of a whole entire human being. In case that changes any feedback - because I am open to feedback, not just personal experiences!)

Thanks 💚

You can get a lifetime license for Adobe Acrobat Pro 2024 for about $16 through a website called key-punch. Not sure if I'm allowed to put links here, but it'll come up in a google search.

I don't have more things to say. I guess it's cool to finally have a PDF editor. I think you might find it cool too. Wow, still more characters needed. I hope you all have a good weekend or something.

I have a garage gym where I primarily work out, but I also joined a gym that's literally two miles away from my home because I'm not super social but sometimes want a place to just go be around other people. For me, this is worth the fairly low cost.

I tried doing my real workouts there, but the lifting setup is trash. So, when I've gone, I've just walked on a treadmill at a leisurely pace. I know I could do the elliptical or a bike at a slow pace as well. I could stretch, but the setup isn't that comfortable for that either.

I think I may be asking a question that doesn't have many good answers, but I figured I'd see if anyone here has any novel ideas about non-strenuous ways to use the gym - that are reasonable and won't have me sticking out like a sore thumb.

(I've considered using the pool for non-swimming workouts, but for some reason, my usually un-self-conscious self feels so weirded out by trying to figure out a pool workout right beneath the lifeguard, which is where that pool section is. Tips for getting over this are cool too.)

Thanks 💚

I didn't sign up for this. Feeding myself multiple times a day. Every day. Forever.

I repeat, I did not sign up for this.

(Of course it's better than the alternative of not existing, but my god.)