u/mosthappiest

This is just a rant. I have built up resentment towards my parents. I really think if I was grown in a healthy household, in a good environment, my life would have been different now.

But I am also a terrible person to blame them all the time for how I turned out. Because I am an adult now, 25, in my mid twenties and I still am writing posts blaming my parents.

My mom and dad both wanted us to grow to be a mature, confident adults, I clearly am not.

But my mother used to taunt me, called me with abusive words like 'r@*di' since I was like 11 years. Always remind me how ugly I am, and no guy would wants to marry me. She always taunted me about how my facial features are. But all these was said in anger, but I was a teenager then when all our feelings are on highest, we easily get hurt and take others words to our heart.

My mom few times slapped me infront of realtive not just when I was a kid, but also in front of all the realtives in an function when i was around 19.

My father never build a house, and he takes pride in it that he always wanted his son to make one when he starts earning and he will help him with some money. I mean, this is somewhat okay, but having such expectations and not raising the kids in that way that they become career oriented and mature. My father was an alcoholic in our childhood, i think till I was around 12 years. He used to drink daily in evening outside, and then beat my mother. I used to wakeup at night hearing my father beating my mother and hearing her cries. I used to try to stay awake till my father came, so that I could stop him from hurting my mother. Our childhood was like that, when we wokeup at morning, my mom had bruises and she would be crying.

We grew up in such environment, when a child brain is getting developed, i am sure growing up in abusive house has some effect on brain.

Now my mom acts surprised when I am not able to talk to strangers, when I hesitates a lot, when I am clearly depressed of how I am, because she thinks she got me into college and then a college, I am supposed to be highly confident and able to do anything.

Why Indian parents don't like love marriages, think dating is wrong, and these things are not in our culture but chants radha krishna name, celebrates these gods and mahashivratri. But against love and dating.

From our gods, their stories, they only learnt that parents are god and children are supposed to worship and do everything for their parents. In our socities, it's always children mistakes, because parents can't do anything wrong. They are painted in the way that they are selfless and innocent. What is so their selfless and innocent about them? That they decided to bring a child into the life and not provide them with basics things like good environment, and expects them to take care of them in old ages. They brag about how they are always putting foods onto the table and provided us good education. Those are their responsibilities.

And what innocence?the internet, social media has those viral videos, reels saying that their parents are the last innocent generations. Open your eyes, they are not innocent in any way.

--- I am dumb, stupid and not fluent in english, so apologies for my bad english and I don't have energy to use chatgpt. But I'll use chatgpt later to find out all the mistakes I made in my writing and learn from it.

I can't look beyond my ugliness and live life

I am a very ugly person and so I am insecure as hell and have absolute 0 self esteem and confidence. If someone comes and say somethinf bad about me, I'll let them because I know it's true.

When you're ugly, you miss out on so many stuffs and experiences. Like, you don't get to experience that teenage love or getting aproached by guys. And same thing in college, no relationship, no love.

And Even going out anywhere is hard for me. Because even if I put nice clothes on, I still am ugly. And it makes me depressed before going out. And with anyone around, I am hyper aware of my facial expressions and the way I am. Those who are pretty or average, you don't know how lucky you are. Because ugly people can't be hidden, we can't get mixed in the crowd. And as a girl, it's really hard, people have told me that it will be harder for me to marry so study a lot and have a good career, but this things doesn't motivate me even a bit. It makes me depressed more.

And uggh taking pictures are ao awkward and embarrassing for me.

There hasn't been a single day, I haven't feel miserable about my ugliness

I am a very ugly person and so I am insecure as hell and have absolute 0 self esteem and confidence. If someone comes and say somethinf bad about me, I'll let them because I know it's true.

When you're ugly, you miss out on so many stuffs and experiences. Like, you don't get to experience that teenage love or getting aproached by guys. And same thing in college, no relationship, no love.

And Even going out anywhere is hard for me. Because even if I put nice clothes on, I still am ugly. And it makes me depressed before going out. And with anyone around, I am hyper aware of my facial expressions and the way I am. Those who are pretty or average, you don't know how lucky you are. Because ugly people can't be hidden, we can't get mixed in the crowd. And as a girl, it's really hard, people have told me that it will be harder for me to marry so study a lot and have a good career, but this things doesn't motivate me even a bit. It makes me depressed more.

And uggh taking pictures are ao awkward and embarrassing for me.

There hasn't been a single day, I haven't feel miserable about my ugliness

Why do I want to cut my wrist open, swallow pills but not exactly die

Why do I want to cut my wrist open, swallow pills but not exactly die

Maybe because my mind is empty like seriously I am dumb and stupid. Below below average at studies, can't even comprehend things easily. Takes me much time than others to do anything or understand. I am very incompetent. I can't even understand bookish english, I have nevr ever spoken a single swntence of English, my English is poor. My brother juat died of suicide a years ago. We don't have a house of our own, we are not financially good.

And I am super ugly, giys never approacjed me nothing. I have no self esteem nor any confidence. No hobbies or nothing I do. My mind is slow and dumb as fuck

I made a list:

1. I'm 24

2. No social skills

3. Sucks at communicating

4. Weak english

5. Too much Ugly

6. Abnormal teeth

7. Social anxiety

8. Not good at studies, knows nothing about tech

9. No self esteem

10. No confidence

11. Unlikable, unlovable

12. No hobbies, not a thing I'm good at

13. Awkward and shy

14. 0 friends, acquaintances

15. Poor

16. We don't have our own house

17. Loans and loans

18. Not financial secure, 0 saving

19. My brother was an addict, died by suicide

20. Everyone's depressed in family

Why do I want to cut my wrist open, swallow pills but not exactly die

Why do I want to cut my wrist open, swallow pills but not exactly die

Maybe because my mind is empty like seriously I am dumb and stupid. Below below average at studies, can't even comprehend things easily. Takes me much time than others to do anything or understand. I am very incompetent. I can't even understand bookish english, I have nevr ever spoken a single swntence of English, my English is poor. My brother juat died of suicide a years ago. We don't have a house of our own, we are not financially good.

And I am super ugly, giys never approacjed me nothing. I have no self esteem nor any confidence. No hobbies or nothing I do. My mind is slow and dumb as fuck

I made a list:

1. I'm 24

2. No social skills

3. Sucks at communicating

4. Weak english

5. Too much Ugly

6. Abnormal teeth

7. Social anxiety

8. Not good at studies, knows nothing about tech

9. No self esteem

10. No confidence

11. Unlikable, unlovable

12. No hobbies, not a thing I'm good at

13. Awkward and shy

14. 0 friends, acquaintances

15. Poor

16. We don't have our own house

17. Loans and loans

18. Not financial secure, 0 saving

19. My brother was an addict, died by suicide

20. Everyone's depressed in family

I don't have social skills, personality, can't even speak english, and I am ugly and so insecure

I have very big buck teeth, its my biggest insecurity, to the extent where I am depressed about it. I have always been told since I was a child to not laugh when getting my picture clicked. I always overthink about what the other person gonna think when I open my mouth for the first time in front of them they see my giant elephant teeth. This feature of mine has ruined my self esteem, confidence. I am 24 and still ruins my day completely to the point where I feel like doing nothing.

It's just not the teeth, I am overall ugly. And please for the love of the god, don't come in the comment section with the bs that no one is ugly, beauty lies in the eyes of beholder, and that I have just seen pretty girls on insta and I think that's the reality. Please no.

So, Growing up, I went to good school, home tuition everything but never ever participated in any thing other like going out to play, having hobbies. I just used to go to school, didn't talk to anybody, come home, repeat nothing else.

And then college time came, and I was exactly the same but with more aware of my looks, insecurities, fear of judgement, and that I have non existent social and communication skills. I never even talked to anybody in college in english.

Now I graduated, I have no friends. No skills whatsoever.

I feel awkward even around my relatives, feels like alien around people. It feels weird when I say anything loud, because apparently my cousins said the way I speak is weird

I have a huge social and performance anxiety, has anybody benfitted from ssri?

I have experience with escitalopram but it made me sort of numb. I wasn't able to cry and it felt awful.

Has anyone experienced with other ssris, like sertraline?