u/self-made-purgatory

Hello! it is getting colder in the northern hemisphere now, and we happen to be two desert creatures collectively, and the winter seems to be the worst time for us. we do not live in a desert and it gets rather cold and snowy here through like november-march which is a long time. I know it can get cold in deserts (I did actually used to live in one) but yk.

and I am very sensitive to cold. idk fully what is up with me however but when my head gets cold I get this throbbing pain behind my eyes and I get super nauseous and dizzy and blurry vision and need to lie down until it goes away. and that tbf is some sort of medical thing (no one really listens to me about it though so idk what) rather than a non-human thing but it all comes together into one larger thing. yk. and also I feel like the cold makes me a bit sluggish/unmotivated. not depressed, but it is much harder for me to get going.

if you are a warm climate creature living in a cold place how do you manage? I always really struggle to get through the cold months. especially because I don't have very good heating in my house. (i have some heating though dw I won't freeze)

I get a lot of ear phantom shifts so I'll tell you about my ears, and then in the comments pls infodump about your ears (if u have them) or your lack of ears (if u don't) get as long as you want i like reading.

I am a Vulcan and my ears are somewhat what is in canon except they have a much wider range of motion like a cat, and they are a bit bigger. I can swivel them around to hear things or (Surak forbid) express emotions. they are like in canon a little curly in a way that I think is really cute, but they are much more cat-like and less like human ears. they have a better sense of hearing than other ears.

the ears were a huge part of my awakening since I also do cosplay, and I got some pointy ears for cosplay but when I put them on I was just like blown away by how much more myself I felt, like it felt AMAZING to see myself with pointy ears. and I just assumed for a long time that everyone feels like that and like they don't look like themselves unless they have pointy ears. then eventually I was like. wait maybe that's not true. and I thought I was some sort of elf for a long time before I eventually figured it out.

anyways how do your ears work? do you get a lot of ear shifts? is there anything special about them? what do you like about them? how did you figure out what your ears look like?

we are often in some way or in some spaces faking being singlets. there is no pressure societally to be plural. society does not reward one for pretending to be plural. it does reward us for pretending to be singular. we have to do it all the time. at work, at school, with friends even. it is exhausting. it seems to suffocate my soul and the souls I share my body with. there are hundreds of millions of people on this earth who will live their whole lives pretending to be someone else, never getting to be recognized as real people and this really hurts my heart.

it makes fakeclaiming even more infuriating to me, since, yes. every plural I know has been forced to fake something, and it isn't being plural. ignoring all other things, the fact that coming out as plural for us was scarier than coming out as trans was, I'm gonna believe anyone about their plurality just for that. it is not the most difficult experience in the world and I have no interest in the trauma/oppression olympics. plurals don't have it "worse" than anyone else. but it is incredibly difficult in lots of places. so to say someone is going through all that difficultly of openly existing as themselves in public, in places where people harrass you for merely existing, just for fun to fake something for the hell of it is incredibly insulting. you are part of the reason we have to fake anything in the first place! and pretending to be singluar has done so much damage to us over the years.

so if you are reading this and wondering if you are faking I wanna say that it isn't in the way you are worried, almost 100% guarantee, the only thing you are being pressured to fake is singularity, not plurality. even just having the courage to consider your plurality makes you brave people I think and I will always believe you and stand beside you and yell at any fakeclaimers who try to insist on the absurd notion that there is any pressure in society to fake being plural even though we are constantly told (including by the fakeclaimers) to act as singlets when we aren't.

hiii! I am Wisteria, I am a little and I am a cat! I am trying to figure out what music I like.

I think I like nature sounds and I like fantasy stories? I really like xenofiction. I don't mind things with darker topics. I also really like Emily Dickinson. and the musical Cats? is that useful information?

if you recommend me songs I shall listen to and rate them :3

sometimes my family members will joke around by speaking "as" my plushies. they will give them a little voice and make them say things. I try not to let it bother me very much but they almost always make them say mean things to me. they make the plushies say they hate me, that I am hurting them, that they don't like being around me.

this upsets me more with essa's and ones I am close to. because I have ocd and get intrusive thoughts they they do hate me and im doing something wrong. and because im POSIC+ it feels like it is hurting the plushies to have someone put words in their mouths/puppet them.

i generally have a more tenuous grasp on reality tbh so a lot of jokes can be hurtful to me, like when a teacher made jokes about me secretly being a robot when I was in highschool, stuff like that can throw me off balance a lot.

my family doesn't really understand, they just say im too sensitive and they are just plushies stop over reacting. I also can't tell them too much about this because it makes them think I'm mentally ill and they threaten to try to institutionalize me if I get too upset about things they do like this. they tend to just laugh more if it upsets me.

it is really distressing to me but I feel bad for feeling that way because they are just plushies and I should be too old to care about this. but they are really important to me and they feel really alive and sentient to me and it hurts to hear people make them say mean things to me.

used the Help flair but mostly just want like reasurance/encouragemnet/questioning help rather than advice?

so. we have implemented a new policy where if we think we are "blurry" we see if that blurriness is actually an unnamed headmate who wants to pick a name rather than actually us being blury. this has so far given us four new headmates and us feeling blurry a lot less since that blurriness was actually these guys fronting and just being kinda confused.

anyways we did that with our newest guy (Rhododendron) and it like. did something. we were like Hi we want to talk to you, do you have a name? and that headmate just completely opened up to us and started telling us that our two systems we were aware of are actually a tiny part of a much larger system we had no clue about (which this guy was a part of) that takes the form of a massive cyberpunk-like city in headspace called the Megastructure with hundreds of billions of residents.

we knew we had a lot of members and a complex structure but believed 99% of that head count was less-sentient fragments rather than actual people. the fragments are still there but Rhododendron is saying there's this massive number of full-people headmates too and a whole city in headspace we didn't (or weren't supposed to) know about and its really disorienting plus is also coming with a flood of new people revealing themselves. we were not aware of each other at all (Megastructure residents don't really know about us, we didn't know about them) and our flock of 15 + 5 + rotating fragments and soulbonds now seems so small.

has anyone else experienced something like this? what did you do?

don't think it's like psychosis or anything but almost a similar vibe. like lacroix... like the memes about lacroix.... idk if people still make those memes. things have unhooked themselves a bit and flown around my head like butterflies. I am trying to stay grounded here, I can do that. but I want to explain things in the poetic way they happen in my mind.

I can't talk to people. it is hard to go outside. people's gazes seem to hurt me. I got scared my neighbour was trying to flirt with me so now I changed my schedule completely so we never run into each other and I have been ignoring his texts. other people too. my friends. because I can't talk to people, I feel their eyes all over me and I can't interface with the real world the same way right now. it feels like there are small people or spirits around me who move out of my line of sight when I turn my head. I can't see them because they move out of the way, but I sense them there in some way.

I am so sad and I can't focus. I sleep so much. I am so hungry. I want to hybernate. I can't focus on anything. I am not handing in assignments for my classes and I have an exam tommorow I can't get myself to study for. I'm in this hopeless haze where I think nothing is ever going to change and I'm too tired to do anything about that or anything don't worry I guess. but I'm so tired. and I wish I could even at least relate to or talk to the people around me but that doesn't seem to structure right in my head anymore.

like you just run into them as a person somewhere you normally meet people? I'm curious cause I like a lot of fictional things I wouldn't like at all in real life, and the character I think I ship with would be like soo awful to be in a relationship with IRL. sorta just getting into this tbh, kinda new here... but I'm just sorta curious how common different feelings about this are?

I'm a guy with a lot of kinks that wouldn't be pleasant to actually experience and basically exclusively fictional crushes that I'd be incredibly adverse to IRL, but I assume a lot of people have the opposite experience where their fictional tastes line up with their tastes in real people.

for me I feel like it is a useful way to work through feelings I have/experiences/traumas with this sort of person in the safety of fiction. but also I think it's just kinda normal to be attracted to things you wouldn't want IRL, there's such a fine line between attraction and disgust. Like I have this sort of dubcon fantasy with him where he sorta coerces me into dating him, which is specifically I think part of workin through dealing with coercive people IRL and the trauma from that. it feels really cathartic, like I can take a situation where I felt not in control and take control back over it.

idk curious about ppl's experiences and why if you wanna share regardless of which way you feel about your's