the past few years have been really tough for me, looking forward to christmas vibes has been the only thing keeping me going
it's funny, christmas used to be a shit time of year for me, but now it's the only thing i look forward to, i want the cozy nostalgic childhood vibe 🎄 it's the closest i get to feeling like a kid again
trying to come up with a name for my oc, she's a tiny snail fairy, very shy and timid, she has pale skin and dark curly hair
i really love the name Libby for her but i already have a character called Sybil nicknamed Sybbie and i don't want them to rhyme haha
i think i prefer short nicknamey names for her but im open to any suggestions
here's some names i think fit the vibe but im not 100% sure on any
Dot
Lou
Winnie
Willow
Lilibet
Ethel
Ettie
im hungry 24/7. my stomach is like a bottomless pit. i could eat a huge meal and my stomach still be rumbling 2 minutes later
in the very beginning of recovery i felt uncomfortably full and sick on small amounts of food, but now my stomach has expanded i literally never feel full no matter what i do
its been 8 months of this, i just want to feel comfortably full, the hunger is so painful :/
I feel so fucking stupid. I did recovery completely backwards. The only reason I ever attempted 'recovery' in the first place was because I was so hungry and was fantasising about all the meals I'd get to eat and eating my fear foods. I never wanted to gain weight.
I thought I could cheat the system and mentally recover and overcome my fear foods without gaining weight, but the exact opposite happened. Extreme hunger got to me, and I was too scared to eat the foods I actually wanted, so I stuck to my safe foods. Now I just gained all the weight back without mentally recovering whatsoever.
I'm almost back at my pre-anorexia weight now, and not once have I eaten any of the foods I wanted to. I didn't overcome a single fear food. I still haven't eaten a real meal. I never stopped counting calories.
I just feel so dumb. The only reason I even considered recovery was because I missed eating my old favourite foods, but I ended up gaining all the weight back while still being too scared to eat a single one. What the fuck did I gain all this weight for to still not be able to eat my favourite foods??
I feel so fucking stupid. I did recovery completely backwards. The only reason I ever attempted 'recovery' in the first place was because I was so hungry and was fantasising about all the meals I'd get to eat and eating my fear foods. I never wanted to gain weight.
I thought I could cheat the system and mentally recover and overcome my fear foods without gaining weight, but the exact opposite happened. Extreme hunger got to me, and I was too scared to eat the foods I actually wanted, so I stuck to my safe foods. Now I just gained all the weight back without mentally recovering whatsoever.
I'm almost back at my pre-anorexia weight now, and not once have I eaten any of the foods I wanted to. I didn't overcome a single fear food. I still haven't eaten a real meal. I never stopped counting calories.
I just feel so dumb. The only reason I even considered recovery was because I missed eating my old favourite foods, but I ended up gaining all the weight back while still being too scared to eat a single one. What the fuck did I gain all this weight for to still not be able to eat my favourite foods??
I feel so fucking stupid. I did recovery completely backwards. The only reason I ever attempted 'recovery' in the first place was because I was so hungry and was fantasising about all the meals I'd get to eat and eating my fear foods. I never wanted to gain weight.
I thought I could cheat the system and mentally recover and overcome my fear foods without gaining weight, but the exact opposite happened. Extreme hunger got to me, and I was too scared to eat the foods I actually wanted, so I stuck to my safe foods. Now I just gained all the weight back without mentally recovering whatsoever.
I'm almost back at my pre-anorexia weight now, and not once have I eaten any of the foods I wanted to. I didn't overcome a single fear food. I still haven't eaten a real meal. I never stopped counting calories.
I just feel so dumb. The only reason I even considered recovery was because I missed eating my old favourite foods, but I ended up gaining all the weight back while still being too scared to eat a single one. What the fuck did I gain all this weight for to still not be able to eat my favourite foods??
im so fascinated by my brain, how it can come up with all these complex characters and storylines without me ever really consciously thinking about it, they just kinda happen on their own
each character seems to represent a different emotional need, (example one really protective character, one character who is a representation of my childhood self during a bad time in my life, one playful sarcastic friendly character, etc) their personalities evolved over the years and new characters formed depending on what i was going through at the time and the kind of person i needed in my life
i wish i could write it all out and have a whole archive of every character and storyline and all the alternate universes and different timelines but its so complicated i dont even know where to start
how can these people that mean so much to me only exist inside my head :( makes me sad no one else will ever know them
i unintentionally gained weight over the past 8 months because i got stuck in a binge restrict cycle, and i have never been able to go back to restricting full time despite trying so hard
i think my body is traumatised by it, when i restrict i get flashbacks to the worst points of my anorexia, and my body refuses to let me go back there no matter how badly i want to restrict and lose weight
i feel like im stuck in hell, mentally im still there, anorexia still is in control of my brain and making me miserable, but my body keeps forcing me to eat, it refuses to let me lose weight
and i don't understand why i still want to go back, being at my lowest weight was the worst time of my life, so miserable, so horrific, i think the restriction gave me brain damage or something. i couldnt think anymore, i was having meltdowns screaming and crying all day, i attempted suicide multiple times, and theres entire chunks of my life missing from my memory during that time. it was fucking awful, yet i would do anything to lose weight again.
i never even recovered, i only gained weight because of extreme hunger. i never stopped restricting, i never stopped counting calories, i never stopped trying to lose weight, im still miserable, i just dont have the body to show for it anymore
i do notice a difference in my brain function now, i can think a lot clearer and generally feel calmer but i miss being sick and i miss not being able to think and i miss feeling small and weak
i feel so ashamed that i gained weight, but the hunger was so bad it was impossible to ignore
I want to change my name to Robin / Robyn but i cant decide on which spelling i prefer, i really like them both
and middle name i cant decide between Jane or Jones
edit: i am female
right now i'm in a chocolate phase where the only thing i want to eat is chocolate, last week it was bread and cheese, before that it was icecream, before that it was meat, before that it was strawberries and pancakes, etc etc
i just get fixated on foods and i can't stomach eating anything else, then i eventually get sick of it and move on to something else
right now i'm in a chocolate phase where the only thing i want to eat is chocolate, last week it was bread and cheese, before that it was icecream, before that it was meat, before that it was strawberries and pancakes, etc etc
i just get fixated on foods and i can't stomach eating anything else, then i eventually get sick of it and move on to something else
bit random but i love writing lists of names in cursive, i wanna find more names that feel satisfying to write, like the letters all flow together nicely
some names i love writing
Catherine / Katherine
Amelia / Emilia
Emily
Ellie
Madeleine
Caitlin / Caitlyn
Marceline
Whats your favourite spelling of this name?
i got so used to feeling hungry that hunger feels like fullness to me, and feeling full feels empty to me and triggers me to eat past fullness to get rid of the empty feeling
it's hard to explain, being hungry feels like it energises me and keeps me full, but when im actually full, the calmness in my stomach feels empty and unsettling, so i end up eating too much to get rid of the feeling, or i impatiently wait until im hungry again so i can feel normal
being full feels so horrible, makes me feel like an empty void and i get so agitated trying to do anything i can to get rid of the feeling
i got so used to feeling hungry that hunger feels like fullness to me, and feeling full feels empty to me and triggers me to eat past fullness to get rid of the empty feeling
it's hard to explain, being hungry feels like it energises me and keeps me full, but when im actually full, the calmness in my stomach feels empty and unsettling, so i end up eating too much to get rid of the feeling, or i impatiently wait until im hungry again so i can feel normal
being full feels so horrible, makes me feel like an empty void and i get so agitated trying to do anything i can to get rid of the feeling