u/taoboo

I really need someone to talk to. She specifically came onto a trans sub, and started saying horrible things. The sub can’t be recommended on r/all, so she purposefully sought us just to make us miserable. And being the stupid person I am, thought I could actually change her mind. But no, she really was there just to bully trans people, not to debate. As always.

Any time I made an actual point she couldn’t refute, she just ignored it and started insulting me. And that made me incredibly pissed off, it felt like I was arguing with a toddler. It felt like if I just pushed hard enough, I would get through to her.

And for some reason I kept going. It really feels like this was some form of mental self-harm I did to myself. I ended up blocking her after more than 100 comments of back and fourth but now the damage is already done. It feels like someone shot a shotgun slug through my chest and there’s a gaping hole there.

Literally everyone hates us. She was one of those TERF lesbian “keep males out of my restrooms” types, and it really made me remember that like, wow, even the rest of the LGBT community hates us lol. There really is no one left. We are so few and have no one else. We only have ourselves and the entire world wants us killed.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not going to do anything to myself but I need to study for an exam tomorrow and I just simply cannot bring myself to get out of bed to do anything at all. I just feel like a cadaver, rotting on my bed.

I just wanted to be happy.

CW: >!suicide ideation!<

Not sure if I should put the questioning or vent flair, so imagine the post has both I guess.

Anyway, I had a rebound with my ex yesterday. We went to the movies, then later to my house, basically spent the entire day together. We both cried a lot because we clearly still like each other but broke up because of lots of reasons that didn’t really make us compatible.

Problem is that HRT has obviously been lowering my libido a lot, which is making me realize that maybe what ruined the relationship was my stupid male sex-pest brain. There were other reasons, but maybe we could have handled them if it wasn’t for me wanting to kiss and cuddle over doing anything else all the time.

The problem is that after spending so much time with her, I wasn’t feeling dysphoria for a while. I still don’t like my body, but I don’t hate it. I think I’m probably completely dissociated, I feel like I’m interacting with myself from an outside perspective and I feel neutral about it.

I still would prefer being a woman, if I could’ve chosen at the start of my life, I would have chosen to be a woman. I really wanted to be a woman. But I don’t think I’m going to be able to handle the immense mental toll that transitioning takes. It’s not like I would ever be a pretty woman either way, with my gigantic shoulders and neanderthal skull (please don’t say “there are cis women with big shoulders and big brow bones!!!” I’m so over that). Maybe it’s better to live as a dysphoric but relatively attractive man forever, and then I’d just fulfill my desire for a female figure from a girlfriend. This is probably half cope half serious.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m failing all my classes in university, I’m pathetically still in love with my ex, I’m probably going to get fired from my job and I’m a sobbing mess. I just wanted it all to end but I don’t even have the courage to commit. I wish I at least was 100% sure if I was actually trans or not so I could make a decision instead of staying stuck in this middle ground wanting to kms.

But not because of the reason you think, really.

They support you after you come out, and you start to hang out with them even more while buying makeup and going out, only to realize you’ll never be half as beautiful as any of them.

My closest friend has literally the perfect body and face. She’s disgustingly beautiful, and I don’t even say this in a sexual way, I say it meaning that I want to have that myself, I want to be like her so fucking bad.

But no, I was born a giant ogre with shoulders that span 2 time zones while also having a neanderthal brow bone, while she is tiny, delicate, has soft facial features and everything I have ever wanted to be.

I’m so grateful for all of her support, it couldn’t have been better, but being near her completely destroys me. After we hang out I always arrive home and start crying for at least half an hour.

It’s getting so hard to continue living like this.

(Btw mods I wasn’t able to edit the TW flair, so I put it in the title)

I can debunk pretty much all others, but when transphobes say this about the “definition of a woman”, I get stumped (This is pasted from an argument I was having with one).

“Biological categories are defined by a bodys underlying design, not just how it works at any given moment. When a woman cannot produce eggs or lacks a functioning uterus, her body is still female—it is simply inactive, aged, or affected by a medical condition. A man's body, on the other hand, is built different under the same logic, so delusional man cant use that same logic to explain they can ‘transition’”

This was a response to me saying that not all cis women have uteruses. I don’t know how to rebuke the “but they were supposed to” argument.

I'm 20 and I've been suspecting I was trans ever since I was 16. Looking back, there were signs way before that, though. I got along much better with girls, I was afraid/grossed out by the boys, and although I never tried it as a kid, I had an interest in female clothing, makeup, etc. What made it click for me was when I was constantly seeing pretty women in my life and thinking "I want to be her" instead of "I want to make out with her".

However, I'm still really afraid that I'm actually a man who just craves the female figure, just because I happen to be attracted to women. If I was just attracted to men this wouldn't be happening. This is because my very first girlfriend did some insane lovebombing, which kind of "traumatized" my brain into thinking I absolutely need a relationship to be happy. Being single is extremely miserable to me. As is not having a female body (apparently).

I say this because something that I've noticed is that, whenever I hooked up with a girl, or spent time with my ex-girlfriend, my dysphoria was pretty much gone. So this becomes a sort of "which came first, the chicken or the egg" situation. Do I think I want to become a woman because I want a female partner, and since i get extremely sad and lonely when I'm not in a relationship, then "becoming" that partner seems to be the solution, OR, do I initially crave BEING the one in the female body, and when hooking up with a girl, I am so close to the female body I desire that I can practically feel what it's like to be it, so my dysphoria gets subdued? Or both?

It's basically:

I want to be in a relationship with a woman -> I become the woman. (This grosses me out, I'm so afraid of this being the truth)

OR

I want to be a woman -> being intimate with a woman calms down my dysphoria.

I really can't tell which one it is and it makes it really scared. If I go years on HRT and only then realize it's the first one, I'll have irreversible changes to my body that I won't be able to get rid of.

So yeah, has anyone else ever dealt with these feelings? I'm feeling absurdly conflicted.

Sou de maior mas nem ferrando que vou escanear minha cara ou mandar uma foto da minha CNH pra essa empresa privada aleatória.

Vi gente falando que você pode pegar uma CNH aleatoria num site chamado SCRIBD, mas pra baixar documentos precisa criar conta, o que é pago.

Existe algum jeito de passar essa verificação sem ter que me expor?

Mods, eu acho que esse post é permitido pois não estou tirando dúvidas sobre a DIY especificamente (nem tenho, já to com tudo resolvido), ela é simplesmente algo necessário pra contextualização.

Enfim, estou planejando contar pra minha psiquiatra pois acho que isso vai alterar os remédios que ela vai me receitar.

Tenho 20 anos então já usufruo da confidência médico x paciente, mas por DIY ser “”antiético””, por assim dizer, ela pode quebrar o sigilo e contar pros meus pais?

Eu sei que ela poderia quebrar caso eu esteja cometendo um crime, mas DIY não é crime, é só não recomendado por profissionais, então não sei se ela quebraria.

Pergunto pq meus pais são transfóbicos e absolutamente não podem saber disso.

For the longest time I’ve seen people who just started HRT saying they felt super happy to finally start their journey or whatever, but when applying gel on my leg for the first time I literally felt nothing.

On the contrary, I felt completely filthy. I feel like a man who has a fetish. I feel like I’m drugging myself with meth or cocaine to have a temporary high.

I *know* I want to do this, I *know* I want to be a girl. I was super happy when I left the pharmacy after buying the gel, unironically giggling when coming back to the car, but now that I actually got home and applied it, I feel depressed.

I guess it’s just the reality hitting that this is actually real, I’m trans and I’m subjecting myself to a life of prejudice and hate just to *try* to be happy. There’s no going back.

Doesn’t help that a few minutes after I left the bathroom, my mom found the bags full of makeup and compression tops that I bought, and said that “while I’m living under her roof and don’t pay all the bills, I’ll continue living as a man with XY chromosomes”. She’ll probably kick me out if she finds the gel in the spot I hid it at.

Is this normal? I’m so tired of second guessing myself. I just want to be happy and secure about myself and what I want for my life. I want to feel happy that I actually took action but I can’t.

I really want to start HRT, but my OCD is killing me, making me think stuff like “what if I regret it” 24/7. I KNOW I won’t regret it, I want it more than anything, but I need to know how reversible the “irreversible” effects, like breast growth, are, just for peace of mind.

I know that if it goes on for long enough, stopping HRT won’t make them totally shrink again, but if I stop it soon enough and experience little growth, can they shrink back to a male shape, like they were never there?