u/taoboo

I'm 20 and I've been suspecting I was trans ever since I was 16. Looking back, there were signs way before that, though. I got along much better with girls, I was afraid/grossed out by the boys, and although I never tried it as a kid, I had an interest in female clothing, makeup, etc. What made it click for me was when I was constantly seeing pretty women in my life and thinking "I want to be her" instead of "I want to make out with her".

However, I'm still really afraid that I'm actually a man who just craves the female figure, just because I happen to be attracted to women. If I was just attracted to men this wouldn't be happening. This is because my very first girlfriend did some insane lovebombing, which kind of "traumatized" my brain into thinking I absolutely need a relationship to be happy. Being single is extremely miserable to me. As is not having a female body (apparently).

I say this because something that I've noticed is that, whenever I hooked up with a girl, or spent time with my ex-girlfriend, my dysphoria was pretty much gone. So this becomes a sort of "which came first, the chicken or the egg" situation. Do I think I want to become a woman because I want a female partner, and since i get extremely sad and lonely when I'm not in a relationship, then "becoming" that partner seems to be the solution, OR, do I initially crave BEING the one in the female body, and when hooking up with a girl, I am so close to the female body I desire that I can practically feel what it's like to be it, so my dysphoria gets subdued? Or both?

It's basically:

I want to be in a relationship with a woman -> I become the woman. (This grosses me out, I'm so afraid of this being the truth)

OR

I want to be a woman -> being intimate with a woman calms down my dysphoria.

I really can't tell which one it is and it makes it really scared. If I go years on HRT and only then realize it's the first one, I'll have irreversible changes to my body that I won't be able to get rid of.

So yeah, has anyone else ever dealt with these feelings? I'm feeling absurdly conflicted.

Sou de maior mas nem ferrando que vou escanear minha cara ou mandar uma foto da minha CNH pra essa empresa privada aleatória.

Vi gente falando que você pode pegar uma CNH aleatoria num site chamado SCRIBD, mas pra baixar documentos precisa criar conta, o que é pago.

Existe algum jeito de passar essa verificação sem ter que me expor?

Mods, eu acho que esse post é permitido pois não estou tirando dúvidas sobre a DIY especificamente (nem tenho, já to com tudo resolvido), ela é simplesmente algo necessário pra contextualização.

Enfim, estou planejando contar pra minha psiquiatra pois acho que isso vai alterar os remédios que ela vai me receitar.

Tenho 20 anos então já usufruo da confidência médico x paciente, mas por DIY ser “”antiético””, por assim dizer, ela pode quebrar o sigilo e contar pros meus pais?

Eu sei que ela poderia quebrar caso eu esteja cometendo um crime, mas DIY não é crime, é só não recomendado por profissionais, então não sei se ela quebraria.

Pergunto pq meus pais são transfóbicos e absolutamente não podem saber disso.

For the longest time I’ve seen people who just started HRT saying they felt super happy to finally start their journey or whatever, but when applying gel on my leg for the first time I literally felt nothing.

On the contrary, I felt completely filthy. I feel like a man who has a fetish. I feel like I’m drugging myself with meth or cocaine to have a temporary high.

I *know* I want to do this, I *know* I want to be a girl. I was super happy when I left the pharmacy after buying the gel, unironically giggling when coming back to the car, but now that I actually got home and applied it, I feel depressed.

I guess it’s just the reality hitting that this is actually real, I’m trans and I’m subjecting myself to a life of prejudice and hate just to *try* to be happy. There’s no going back.

Doesn’t help that a few minutes after I left the bathroom, my mom found the bags full of makeup and compression tops that I bought, and said that “while I’m living under her roof and don’t pay all the bills, I’ll continue living as a man with XY chromosomes”. She’ll probably kick me out if she finds the gel in the spot I hid it at.

Is this normal? I’m so tired of second guessing myself. I just want to be happy and secure about myself and what I want for my life. I want to feel happy that I actually took action but I can’t.

I really want to start HRT, but my OCD is killing me, making me think stuff like “what if I regret it” 24/7. I KNOW I won’t regret it, I want it more than anything, but I need to know how reversible the “irreversible” effects, like breast growth, are, just for peace of mind.

I know that if it goes on for long enough, stopping HRT won’t make them totally shrink again, but if I stop it soon enough and experience little growth, can they shrink back to a male shape, like they were never there?

Eu ainda não comecei minha transição (mas planejo em algumas semanas), e um dos meus maiores medos é que minha vida amorosa caia aos pedaços. Especialmente por eu ser lésbica, então depois de transicionar as únicas pessoas compatíveis comigo vão ser mulheres bisexuais (pq ainda não vou ter feito cirurgia), o que já diminui essa quantidade de pessoas compatíveis absurdamente.

Achar uma pessoa que me ame do jeito que eu amo ela, pra dividir o resto da vida comigo, é algo muito importante pra mim, e eu tenho medo de que transicionar torne isso muito mais dificil por causa dos stigmas e preconceito contra pessoas trans.

Pras pessoas que já transicionaram, qual foi a experiência de vocês em relação a isso?

So think I wish I was born a woman. I've tried to talk to some of my friends about this and some of my loved ones. And the response I've gotten when I've shared this has always been disappointing. Typically, the follow up to me telling someone this is, well, “why do you want to be a woman?” And you know, fair question, I used to try to give a real answer, I used to say things like “oh well i like the the idea of this, i like the idea of that” and the general follow-up to that would usually be something that I thought was pretty reductive. They would usually say things like “that’s not what being a woman is all about”, “oh well there's a lot of cons to being a woman” or “you're probably just glamorizing your own idea of womanhood”.

I don't know, maybe they're right, I’m sure I am glamorizing some parts of it. There's a lot of stuff I could say for sure I would not like about being a woman. But the best answer I can give to the “why”, and this is what I usually say these days, is that it's just what feels the most natural to me. I think if there was a character creation screen before being born, or if I was just given the option right before I got plopped here on Earth, that's what I would have chosen. And I would have definitely made this decision without putting too much thought into it.  It's just what feels natural to me. So yeah, that's the best “why” I could give you. 

But even so, I very often feel disconnected to the “standard” ideas of womanhood that almost all cis women have and so many trans women have. For one, as a man, I don’t really hate my body. Do I wish I had a female body? An hourglass figure, less broad shoulders, etc? Yeah, but I’m don’t feel like I’m in constant pain because of it like some other trans people say. Hell I don’t even have bottom dysphoria, and that’s the biggest issue most trans people have with their bodies. I get sad whenever I think about it, but not in incredible distress. I could continue living life as a man. It would be pretty depressing, but I could manage. I have other unrelated reasons to be depressed, so this would only be a drop in the bucket.

What causes the most distress in me is not being able to participate in the social aspects of being a woman. I’ve always tried to, almost all of my friends in middle/high school were girls. They brought me along to do “girly” things and talk about “girly” stuff, and I really liked it. I never got along with most of the boys, they almost scared me to a point. I was a short kid so they all seemed like brutes, in the way they acted and by the things they talked about. I was always more comfortable with girls.

And the problem is that, to me, this feels like an incredibly superficial reason to want to be trans. Isn’t one of the goals of the queer community to get rid of these gender roles and expectations? Why can’t I just be a man that likes doing “girly” things? The body dysphoria is there, as I said, but is it big enough to justify going through such a big change that is social and hormonal transitioning? I don’t know. They say impostor syndrome is a symptom of gender dysphoria, and that you might develop bottom dysphoria as your transition progresses, so who knows.

So think I wish I was born a woman. I've tried to talk to some of my friends about this and some of my loved ones. And the response I've gotten when I've shared this has always been disappointing. Typically, the follow up to me telling someone this is, well, “why do you want to be a woman?” And you know, fair question, I used to try to give a real answer, I used to say things like “oh well i like the the idea of this, i like the idea of that” and the general follow-up to that would usually be something that I thought was pretty reductive. They would usually say things like “that’s not what being a woman is all about”, “oh well there's a lot of cons to being a woman” or “you're probably just glamorizing your own idea of womanhood”.

I don't know, maybe they're right, I’m sure I am glamorizing some parts of it. There's a lot of stuff I could say for sure I would not like about being a woman. But the best answer I can give to the “why”, and this is what I usually say these days, is that it's just what feels the most natural to me. I think if there was a character creation screen before being born, or if I was just given the option right before I got plopped here on Earth, that's what I would have chosen. And I would have definitely made this decision without putting too much thought into it.  It's just what feels natural to me. So yeah, that's the best “why” I could give you. 

But even so, I very often feel disconnected to the “standard” ideas of womanhood that almost all cis women have and so many trans women have. For one, as a man, I don’t really hate my body. Do I wish I had a female body? An hourglass figure, less broad shoulders, etc? Sure, but I’m don’t feel like I’m in constant pain because of it like some other trans people say. Hell I don’t even have bottom dysphoria, and that’s the biggest issue most trans people have with their bodies. I get a bit sad whenever I think about it, but not in incredible distress. I could continue living life as a man. I have other unrelated reasons to be depressed, so this would only be a drop in the bucket.

What causes the most distress in me is not being able to participate in the social aspects of being a woman. I’ve always tried to, almost all of my friends in middle/high school were girls. They brought me along to do “girly” things and talk about “girly” stuff, and I really liked it. I never got along with most of the boys, they almost scared me to a point. I was a short kid so they all seemed like brutes, in the way they acted and by the things they talked about. I was always more comfortable with girls.

And the problem is that, to me, this feels like an incredibly superficial reason to want to be trans. Isn’t one of the goals of the queer community to get rid of these gender roles and expectations? Why can’t I just be a man that likes doing “girly” things? The body dysphoria is there, as I said, but is it big enough to justify going through such a big change that is social and hormonal transitioning? I don’t know. They say impostor syndrome is a symptom of gender dysphoria, and that you might develop bottom dysphoria as your transition progresses, so who knows.

Eu ainda não comecei a terapia hormonal, mas pretendo. O problema é, eu não tenho ideia de como funciona para eu começar em si (além do SUS, óbvio, mas queria conhecer outros jeitos tbm).

Eu ligo para alguma clínica? Marco uma consulta com algum tipo de médico específico? Preencho algum questionário em algum lugar? Desculpa se as perguntas são bobas, eu fiquei tanto tempo pesquisando sobre o tratamento hormonal em si que esqueci de descobrir como se acessa ele 🥲

Moro em Belo Horizonte MG, se isso importar por algum motivo.

I just tried shaving with those epilators that remove the hair by the root, and BY GOD THEY HURT SO MUCH 😭😭😭

I managed to do maybe a few inches of my thigh before deciding it was too much pain, and then switched to a regular electric razor blade that left the little black stubbles, which sucks but didn’t hurt.

And even if I somehow managed to use the one that rips out the roots, hair would still come back, just slower, but it would still come back!!!

Is laser really the only way to permanently get rid of it?

I’m planning on starting HRT soon but I’m afraid of the effects it will create when combined with the meds I already take for depression, anxiety and ADHD.

I know experiences can wildly vary from person to person but is there at least a general idea of what I should expect?

Sometimes I feel a bit detached from mtf communities (or trans communities in general) because one of the main grievances I see people talking about is the fact that they won’t be able to have kids. Obviously I feel for them, it sucks not being able to fulfill one of your dreams, but to me at least, I feel like I got lucky because even before I knew I was trans, I already hated the idea of having kids, and HRT making me sterile would mean even less odds of getting them.

But I can’t help but feeling like I’m not fulfilling the “woman fantasy” of becoming a parent and all that, that so many women want. I guess this is a problem that childfree cis women have as well.

Anyone else feel this way?

I’m 20 and I haven’t started my transition yet, partially because I don’t even know what I am. I do feel like I want to be a woman, I really want to be treated as a woman, look like a woman and perform femininity, I’ve felt gender euphoria when doing typically “girly” things, but I also feel completely detached and dissociated from almost every experience/opinion I see online from other trans people.

1- Most trans people I’ve seen say they’ve known they were trans (even if not knowing the terminology) as soon as maybe 3 years old, most often between 6 and 12. I’ve only started questioning myself at 16 (I knew what a trans person was before that). Before that I sort of knew something was wrong, because I never really got along that well with other boys, felt much more comfortable around girls and doing things associated with girls, and liked seeing them perform femininity more than I liked seeing any boy perform masculinity. It was a weird curiosity that I didn’t understand why it happened. Only at 16 is that I realized that it might be because I’m trans, because I want to perform that femininity as well. But then, why did I realize that so late? Why not as a kid like many other trans people?

2- I’ve also seen the phrase “you shouldn’t transition to get acceptance from other people, you should transition so you become happy with yourself” (and variations). My problem is that I’m desperate for validation, ever since I was a child. I feel like I’m completely worthless if people around me don’t like me. This is a problem I’ve been discussing in therapy, but it still affects me. It got into my head and now I feel like I’m not a real trans person because I feel like I will only accept myself as a woman if the people around me do too. If people around me keep treating me as man even after transitioning, I’ll feel like a man. If people don’t say I’m pretty, I’ll never feel pretty. I can’t be “happy with myself” if I don’t get the acceptance from others. The question is: do I feel this because I’m not actually trans, or is this an issue not related to me being trans, but just bleeds into it like it does with everything else? It happens with everything in my life, not just things related to me being trans, that’s why I’m doubtful.

All this culminates into worsening my depression and mood in general. I don’t feel like a real person. I feel like a sick experiment made by a higher being to see me suffer. I just wish I was sure I was either cis or trans. But no, I’m stuck being afraid of transitioning (because of some of the irreversible effects), while also feeling miserable because I want to be perceived as a woman by people around me.

I’m 20 and I haven’t started my transition yet, partially because I don’t even know what I am. I do feel like I want to be a woman, I really want to be treated as a woman, look like a woman and perform femininity, I’ve felt gender euphoria when doing typically “girly” things, but I also feel completely detached and dissociated from almost every experience/opinion I see online from other trans people.

1- Most trans people I’ve seen say they’ve known they were trans (even if not knowing the terminology) as soon as maybe 3 years old, most often between 6 and 12. I’ve only started questioning myself at 16 (I knew what a trans person was before that). Before that I sort of knew something was wrong, because I never really got along that well with other boys, felt much more comfortable around girls and doing things associated with girls, and liked seeing them perform femininity more than I liked seeing any boy perform masculinity. It was a weird curiosity that I didn’t understand why it happened. Only at 16 is that I realized that it might be because I’m trans, because I want to perform that femininity as well. But then, why did I realize that so late? Why not as a kid like many other trans people?

2- I’ve also seen the phrase “you shouldn’t transition to get acceptance from other people, you should transition so you become happy with yourself” (and variations). My problem is that I’m desperate for validation, ever since I was a child. I feel like I’m completely worthless if people around me don’t like me. This is a problem I’ve been discussing in therapy, but it still affects me. It got into my head and now I feel like I’m not a real trans person because I feel like I will only accept myself as a woman if the people around me do too. If people around me keep treating me as man even after transitioning, I’ll feel like a man. If people don’t say I’m pretty, I’ll never feel pretty. I can’t be “happy with myself” if I don’t get the acceptance from others. The question is: do I feel this because I’m not actually trans, or is this an issue not related to me being trans, but just bleeds into it like it does with everything else? It happens with everything in my life, not just things related to me being trans, that’s why I’m doubtful.

All this culminates into worsening my depression and mood in general. I don’t feel like a real person. I feel like a sick experiment made by a higher being to see me suffer. I just wish I was sure I was either cis or trans. But no, I’m stuck being afraid of transitioning (because of some of the irreversible effects), while also feeling miserable because I want to be perceived as a woman by people around me.