u/throwRAsquirrel810

What is it with people who mistreat you or make you feel small, and then they still want to stay in contact “as friends” to have access to you or, rather, to something that you can provide for them? Is it okay to cut off access?

I personally find it incredibly difficult to stay in contact; just staying in contact breeds intense resentment. And I hold onto the resentment/what they said or did, and it colors/shapes future interactions. I’ve had ex-guy friends who talked down to me occasionally/made snide comments that I caught onto, but then would want to stay in contact primarily because I would find resources for them. Is that even a friend? Friendship is supposed to be based on mutual respect/amongst equals.

they neg to create a power imbalance.

the last person I was involved with told me that he was “picky” when we first started talking. he made me feel like I wasn’t ever good enough for him and that I was never truly an equal. he told me that he had a right to take the rug out from under my feet later on and that it was okay to cause insecurity and instability; he made me feel that I did actually have to wait for the other shoe to drop. I had simply asked for care and reassurance. what he did, instead, was slowly tear me down until I started to become a shell of my former self.

my ex (vNPD) also viewed himself as “a prize to be won”. he negged before switching tactics. he always viewed himself as the crown jewel, while putting himself down in front of me whenever he could.

they tell you things like “their heart feels better after talking to you” after the first phone call, to make you feel a sense of artificial closeness/connection. they tell you big things too soon and yank them away from you when they feel like it, “because they changed their minds”.

or they’ll tell you that they’re working on their PD after they hurt you and right after things ended. it’s to rub it in your face while they never tried to work on themselves or to take accountability in a meaningful way while making you change your reactions to their subtly abusive behaviors; they always have the power and control.

or they’ll tell you that they’re not interested in dating anyone and sexualize you and then go on a date a month later and rub it all over your face to take a jab at you and tell you that the girl he was “friends” with for a while (that he wasn’t even aware of the ethnicity of until they went on the date after having been “friends” for a while - bullshit) even met his mom early on.

or they’ll sexualize you and ask you if you “provoked” your guy therapist who tried to turn things sexual/turn predatory towards you.

or they’ll fake health crises or exaggerate them to gain sympathy from you and to regain lost control (insert favorable comparison of you with their “abuser” ex here).

or they’ll offer the “gift” of staying friends/acquaintances post-discard so they can Hoover and toy with you. so they can keep sucking the supply out of you, and keep you around as the “crazy ex or fling who can’t seem to move on from you” (bringing this up to the new supply to make sure that the new supply is aware of how “good” the devalued/discard ex had it and how the ex pines for them now). they idealize you and compare you to the “abuser” ex favorably, until they devalue you and compare you to the “abuser” ex in that you’re now worse than the ex. people deserve to move on and heal from the abuse that was forced onto them; staying in contact does not allow for the victim to move on.

or they’ll offer to “be of help/assistance” post-discard (but the “help/assistance” comes at a very real cost. therefore, it is not wise to accept.)

you find out what they’re doing and confront them with somewhat-near-precision about the things that they’re doing. and they then DARVO and accuse you of flinging “accusations” at them. they accuse you of “abusing” them back (but abuse is not bilateral; it is unilateral and relies on the imbalance of power).

it is best to just close this chapter of your life with them, and to move on. to feel like yourself again, and to be free of misery. to surround yourself with people who truly care and want the best for you. I think it’s important to remember that you deserve to be happy for the rest of your life, and to not settle for less or for anyone who doesn’t augment your life.

Have you ever been talked down to about something that you caught onto that other people haven’t? (Due to pattern recognition, in my case.) And is it okay to feel resentment and anger due to this? (This is more of a half-question / half-rant.)

The last person to do this weaponized the psychiatric-industrial complex against me (insinuating that I’m “delusional”), and it’s kind of rich because they are diagnosed with a condition that causes them to have cognitive rigidity (so despite being presented with evidence, will not be able to comprehend said evidence. They’ve been extremely dismissive towards me, and their behavior has entered emotional-abuse territory at least some of the times; they told me that they didn’t think 99% of what I was saying was correct and have used “cognitive bias” to dismiss me without even looking evidence that had been sent [I confronted, which is when they issued an apology because they were clearly wrong].)

(For some reason, women tend to be more receptive/empathetic, while men have been doing the talking down to me [probably due to seeing me as some object devoid of thought or due to some other reason most likely rooted in misogyny]. Many men have also tried to fetishize/objectify me in the past, which has caused anger issues. I also have intense resentment over having to outsmart/outthink predatory/abusive men who tried to gaslight me [most likely due to trying to reduce me to an object] about various things in the past [I managed to outthink by using OSINT or picking up on strange behavior(s) that stuck out/making mental note of said behavior(s)]). I most likely have [undiagnosed] autism and have been subject to abuse from men in the past due to being gullible.)