u/wontmissme

My wife has passed her number to me through our son. When she stole my phone from me at the start of this year, I lost her mobile number along with all of my other contacts. So I've not been able to message or call her even if I wanted to.

Now I have her number. It's like a red hot coin burning a hole in my pocket.

I can tell you here and now that i am not recovering. Nothing about how i am now is recovery. I am a man standing on the edge of a bottomless void. The sheer black surrounding me now makes every decision seem dangerous to me. One wrong move and i fall forever.

I'm not anywhere near ready to date. I try not to even think about it. But today, in my rented room, I just happened to glance at my double bed and my stomach dropped at the thought of sharing a bed again. It literally lurched.

As things stand, I sleep on one side of the bed, and when I go to bed I pile things up on the "spare" side. Before work this morning I cleared the stuff from the spare side, and when I got home this evening I saw it empty and the thought popped in there and that's my story really.

Thanks for reading.

I started my new job yesterday. Four weeks of garden leave waiting for the big day.

And it was terrible. It has made my urge to just disappear even stronger. What have I done with my life? It seems like maybe 5 or 10 years ago I had it all together, and now I am a man on the edge staring into the abyss.

I'm 45, alone, living in a rented room, a terrible new job, and nothing to show for my efforts.

Started a new job yesterday - I missed sharing the excitement with someone special.

The first day was terrible. I missed being comforted by someone in my corner.

I watch something funny, I miss having nobody to laugh with.

I wake up scared, I miss being comforted.

I miss not being the provider, protector, carer.

My existence is very lonely. It is hard and cold and not very nice.

Thanks for reading.

I met my son yesterday for breakfast. My wife had sent a letter with him. She was also waiting round the corner when we came out. I didn't say anything, except for "There's your mum."

I won't lie, it was hard seeing her again, and brought back so many things. The letter was harder, and made me feel so bad and so guilty. It was meant to.

I wanted to reply, and tried to, but she has closed the only email address I have for her. I wanted to stick up for myself. So she didn't get the email. Since she took my mobile from me at the start of the year, and i don't know her mobile number off the top of my head, I couldn't contact her that way either. I won't use my kids to pass messages either.

She might still be monitoring my old mobile, so I sent the reply email etc to that... nowt back yet.

So, I don't know. Just feels like another step back.

My friend told me today that I've got to start moving in the direction I want my life to go in. He's right of course. He wasn't being mean, it was from a place of love.

It has been a tough few months and years. I've been pushed to the edge of my mental health limit. But now I need to make a choice. Let it consume me, or actually stand up.

So I have decided to be better. I have decided I am going to move in the direction I want my life to take. No more self pitying, no more wallowing, no more "woe is me".

Only I can do this. Nobody is going to rescue me or save me.

So thanks for listening, and erm, watch this space I guess...

Kind regards.

I made the appointment back at the start of July, and the only appointment they had was today, a full month's wait. It timed really well, as I was panicking because my daughter's wedding was at the start of the week, and I was worried that I had nothing left after the wedding, so the appointment timed well.

I've been prescribed anti depressants and the GP has referred me to primary mental health care team, and we will have another meeting in two weeks. Progress? I hope so.

I'm now getting severe anxiety about the pills, because I've never taken anything like it before, and I am panicking about taking them and any possible side effects. But surely it must be better than my current existence. It just feels like defeat.

Yeah so another thing I hate about myself. I can now add weak as sh!t to the list.

I got a free three day pass to a local 24hr gym. I got there at 3am (not so bad when you don't sleep), only one other person there.

It's been a long while since I lifted anything, and I am so weak. As weak as a kitten. I cursed myself out all the way home and I haven't been back.

I've tried so many things to get out of this, and nothing is touching it. Wellness events, AMC, LDVS, church, talking therapies... so much more. And the gym is another one to check off the bingo card.

I don't even know what to write. My head is completely clogged up and I'm struggling. I'm just a dad going through a painful separation, missing my family, and feeling so lost and isolated and alone.

I'm holding on for my daughter's wedding in just over a week, but after that... nothing left.

It's our 17th wedding anniversary today. We've not spoken for nearly two full months.

I have nothing left in this world and I'm struggling.

I almost caved today.

I feel like I have wrecked my life.

Today is our 17th wedding anniversary. It has been nearly two months with no contact. Almost 8 months since we shared a smile. Probably almost 10 years since we were really happy.

I almost broke today.

The only thing I can stomach about myself is the one thing I get the urge to destroy...

As the title says really. At the moment I live in three states. Despair - where I can't see a future. Numbness - i am so flat, and numb, and not bothered about anything. Relentless self doubt - where I feel like a fraud.

When I am spiralling, I can't imagine a future. At the moment the only thing I am holding on to is my daughter's wedding at the start of August. But after that, i have nothing. I can't imagine after the wedding. There is simply nothing left to look forward to.

When I'm flat, nothing touches me. I don't "feel" anything. This usually follows despair, and the longer and harder I have fallen, the longer this numbness lasts. But during this state i can recognise that I need help, and most recently I reached out to the gp. They've not come back to me yet, and that adds fuel to the third state.

The relentless self doubt sabotages any progress I try to make, because it floods me with constant thoughts that I'm a fraud, or exaggerating, or pathetic, or worthless, that I don't deserve help, or happiness, or a future.

It's a loop that never stops. If I'm with people I crumble, if I'm alone I break.

I avoid mirrors. I hate how I look. I hate how I think. I just hate

And I get overwhelmed